goodness
long week
just been living it a day at a time
a few random things
i've been told something like this by two different people in the last... 2 months, i guess
"You're safe to be around because you don't demand much. People around you can often expect to be challenged, since you're willing to hold them to high standards, but you're sensitive to their weak spots and you'll support them when they're broken."
interesting
i wonder if people who don't know me well feel that way around/about me?
(whether they realize it or not)
finding a balance of challenging and understanding is tough
at the beginning of Thanksgiving break I went to a concert with my brother
mewithoutYou, Thrice, and Brand New
goodness
people worship their bands
or their music
or their lifestyle associated with their music
or just going to such concerts
it made me sad that they value something so... shallow?
something so...
lame, to be honest
compared to God :)
and on the other side it made me excited about my God
how big he is
and i don't mean in size really
when you see people absolutely adoring a man on a stage
and think of a moment that you were absolutely worshiping God
...
that man sure does seem very... human
weak, small, insignificant
yes that's the word
God is significant
"significant" doesn't begin to describe the significance, of course
but trying any harder...
maybe writing it in all caps, bold, italics, the biggest font
maybe adding some adverbs like really or super
would just be foolish
i'm just going to call him significant
and leave it at that
the slightly larger font is just to make it grab your attention, by the way
if i mess with the size or font of a word then pay attention
there's generally something important about it
(not to say the others aren't)
Friday, November 30, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
thanksgiving
Hope you all have as much to be thankful for as i do
blessed to the point where no amount of giving back would repay it
all you can do is express thankfulness
have a good Thanksgiving :)
(rest for goodness sake!)
You are more beautiful
Than anyone ever
Everyday You're the same
You never change, no never
And how could I ever deny
The love of my Savior
You are to me everything
All I need forever
How could You be so good to me?
There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You
Everywhere, You are there
Earth or air, surrounding
I'm not alone, the heavens sing along
My God You're so astounding
How could You be so good to me
Eternally I believe that
There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You
You, You, You, You, You, You
How could You be so good to me?
How could You be so good to me?
We're not alone, so sing along
We're not alone, so sing along, sing along, sing along
There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There his no one like our God, yeah
blessed to the point where no amount of giving back would repay it
all you can do is express thankfulness
have a good Thanksgiving :)
(rest for goodness sake!)
You are more beautiful
Than anyone ever
Everyday You're the same
You never change, no never
And how could I ever deny
The love of my Savior
You are to me everything
All I need forever
How could You be so good to me?
There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You
Everywhere, You are there
Earth or air, surrounding
I'm not alone, the heavens sing along
My God You're so astounding
How could You be so good to me
Eternally I believe that
There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You
You, You, You, You, You, You
How could You be so good to me?
How could You be so good to me?
We're not alone, so sing along
We're not alone, so sing along, sing along, sing along
There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There his no one like our God, yeah
Friday, November 16, 2007
flaw
i think this is more...
me trying to talk/think through this than it is me trying to explain it to you
it's fresh stuff
new ideas and thoughts
hopefully it makes a bit of sense
i learned something about myself yesterday.
perhaps i just finally got old enough to see it, i dunno.
i discovered a place that my parents made a mistake.
they never really put much responsibility on us.
never made us very disciplined.
like...
we never really had chores for example.
it's not like i was entirely spoiled or something,
i just never had much to be responsible about.
as a result i grew up with a poor... ability (?) to do things that i don't want to do.
there's more to it though...
they would give us jobs to do now and then
like bring in/out the trash or do the dishes
and we would put it off until we felt like it
often forgetting about it.
which always resulted in one of two things:
either they they handled it themselves and told me about it,
or reminded me and told me to "do it this second"
usually
it was either their threat or guilt remembered from last time that drove me to DO things.
to be responsible
to be disciplined
don't get me wrong
it wasn't exactly the threat or the guilt that got me off my butt.
but it often took those to remind me that i genuinely wanted to be a help to my parents.
i simply grew up with this... selfish, lazy immaturity
that never really learned how to
stop
and recognize that
there's something I need to get done
and if i really think about it... it is my desire to get it done
i learned to complain about it
or to downplay the importance of getting it done
or to push it off until i'm in the mood
truth is
there are things in life that we have to do
even when we're not in the mood
i also picked up the habit of not acting until after i feel bad about it
i really do care!
honest.
i'm not saying that guilt drives me
it's just that
usually something outside of myself has to remind me that i DO care
if that makes sense
anyways
i actually already realized some of this...
what i didn't see until yesterday
is that it affected my relationship with God
when trial and temptation comes...
it's hard to choose God when you're used to doing what YOU want
it's not an impossible task,
to choose God i mean
but against logic and discipline...
i disobey
because (in addition to my human nature in the first place)
i still have that heightened piece of selfish immaturity.
and of course i feel bad afterwards!
i genuinely do. just like i felt bad after ignoring and forgetting to take out the trash or mow the yard or clean my room
i regret it
but...
i'm still stuck with this... whatever
that makes the same choices next time...
i need to learn how to do his will even when i don't want to
i flop back and forth:
i fight to see God's beauty and let that determine my actions...
but i'm human
there are times i have to do his will when i don't want to
so i fail
and then i fight to be disciplined
but i fail there too
it has to become part of me
a soldier doesn't question his officer.
somewhere along the road he learned that obedience was good
and now he does it without thinking.
i never really learned that.
one thing is for sure...
only God can break it...
I am selfish.
I am wrong.
I am right,
I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along...
And I am flawed!
but [we are] cleaning up so well.
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...
*smile*
me trying to talk/think through this than it is me trying to explain it to you
it's fresh stuff
new ideas and thoughts
hopefully it makes a bit of sense
i learned something about myself yesterday.
perhaps i just finally got old enough to see it, i dunno.
i discovered a place that my parents made a mistake.
they never really put much responsibility on us.
never made us very disciplined.
like...
we never really had chores for example.
it's not like i was entirely spoiled or something,
i just never had much to be responsible about.
as a result i grew up with a poor... ability (?) to do things that i don't want to do.
there's more to it though...
they would give us jobs to do now and then
like bring in/out the trash or do the dishes
and we would put it off until we felt like it
often forgetting about it.
which always resulted in one of two things:
either they they handled it themselves and told me about it,
or reminded me and told me to "do it this second"
usually
it was either their threat or guilt remembered from last time that drove me to DO things.
to be responsible
to be disciplined
don't get me wrong
it wasn't exactly the threat or the guilt that got me off my butt.
but it often took those to remind me that i genuinely wanted to be a help to my parents.
i simply grew up with this... selfish, lazy immaturity
that never really learned how to
stop
and recognize that
there's something I need to get done
and if i really think about it... it is my desire to get it done
i learned to complain about it
or to downplay the importance of getting it done
or to push it off until i'm in the mood
truth is
there are things in life that we have to do
even when we're not in the mood
i also picked up the habit of not acting until after i feel bad about it
i really do care!
honest.
i'm not saying that guilt drives me
it's just that
usually something outside of myself has to remind me that i DO care
if that makes sense
anyways
i actually already realized some of this...
what i didn't see until yesterday
is that it affected my relationship with God
when trial and temptation comes...
it's hard to choose God when you're used to doing what YOU want
it's not an impossible task,
to choose God i mean
but against logic and discipline...
i disobey
because (in addition to my human nature in the first place)
i still have that heightened piece of selfish immaturity.
and of course i feel bad afterwards!
i genuinely do. just like i felt bad after ignoring and forgetting to take out the trash or mow the yard or clean my room
i regret it
but...
i'm still stuck with this... whatever
that makes the same choices next time...
i need to learn how to do his will even when i don't want to
i flop back and forth:
i fight to see God's beauty and let that determine my actions...
but i'm human
there are times i have to do his will when i don't want to
so i fail
and then i fight to be disciplined
but i fail there too
it has to become part of me
a soldier doesn't question his officer.
somewhere along the road he learned that obedience was good
and now he does it without thinking.
i never really learned that.
one thing is for sure...
only God can break it...
I am selfish.
I am wrong.
I am right,
I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along...
And I am flawed!
but [we are] cleaning up so well.
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...
*smile*
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
poems
one of my poems i reread tonight and wanted to share.
i didn't name at the time.
it's sad
awful really
but separated from the second half of the story...
it is very very true
and real
They are...
tired.
Tired of thee apparent machine
that chews them up
crunches every resolve
chains their hearts.
And tired of failing to unlock them.
They are...
scary.
Each a portfolio of child-drawn
monsters and aliens:
A new hideous sketch every time,
to highlight every disgusting characteristic.
They are...
plural.
Everywhere you look, surrounding you,
In plain sight,
And in the smallest of dark corners.
Filling oceans with tears, because.....
They are...
alone.
Every single one cut off.
From each other. From every other.
From hope.
Every whispered plea either
fearfully ignored or faithlessly forgotten.
and just for your enjoyment
a poem i wrote about two years ago, in the style of William Carlos Williams
only the artistic types such as myself seem to understand and enjoy it.
the
green
pencil sharpener
i didn't name at the time.
it's sad
awful really
but separated from the second half of the story...
it is very very true
and real
They are...
tired.
Tired of thee apparent machine
that chews them up
crunches every resolve
chains their hearts.
And tired of failing to unlock them.
They are...
scary.
Each a portfolio of child-drawn
monsters and aliens:
A new hideous sketch every time,
to highlight every disgusting characteristic.
They are...
plural.
Everywhere you look, surrounding you,
In plain sight,
And in the smallest of dark corners.
Filling oceans with tears, because.....
They are...
alone.
Every single one cut off.
From each other. From every other.
From hope.
Every whispered plea either
fearfully ignored or faithlessly forgotten.
and just for your enjoyment
a poem i wrote about two years ago, in the style of William Carlos Williams
only the artistic types such as myself seem to understand and enjoy it.
the
green
pencil sharpener
Sunday, November 11, 2007
it is finished
does anybody else feel worn out trying to get everything done?
if i sit down and write out a simple list of the most important things in my life
trying to do everything i feel like i need to do for those priorities in a day seems impossible!
we're never really done
and then God tells us things like...
be still
and know that I am God
he tell us to rest
slow down
he tells us sitting at his feet is better than preparing him a meal
how can he expect this?
i mean... honestly i feel like my priorities are God's heart most of the time!
i feel like God wants me to make some person a priority
i feel like he wants me to be part of this or that
how can he tell me to slow down and give it a rest if these things are his ideas!?
check this out
Jesus did the whole ministry thing for 3 years
he had just...
3 years to teach people what God's heart is
3 years to convince people of who he was
3 years to make a difference in people's lives
3 years to train a handful of disciples to the point that they were capable of changing the world
okay really now
3 years?
some of you reading this are in college or older
i know
that you realize how short 3 years is.
if you're in my class, we're a few short weeks from being halfway through that.
double the time you've been in college. that's how long Jesus had to make a complete and permanent impact on the entire world.
even if you're younger i'm sure you can understand this
3 years
is not a long time
at all.
what did he say after 3 years?
John 17:4
"I have brought you glory on earth by...
completing
the work you gave me to do"
does that even make sense?
how could he say that?
surely there's something else he could do!
there's always another person to be healed.
there's always another lesson to be taught.
but no
his work was completed
interesting
how is this?
i think it lies in our priorities
even if they're not excellent ones
we weren't created to be so task oriented
Jesus knew who he was
who he belonged to
that's the first step
to BE
then what did he do?
look at Mark 1:35-39
he sought out God
God's will
each day
and the strength to carry it out
he didn't have a list of priorities and a long to-do list of ways to meet those
it was so simple to him
and at the end of the day
he could say "everything i came to do is finished"
just think about it yourself
and seek to live in a way
that when you go to bed each night
you are at peace as you say "the work God has given me to day is complete"
if i sit down and write out a simple list of the most important things in my life
trying to do everything i feel like i need to do for those priorities in a day seems impossible!
we're never really done
and then God tells us things like...
be still
and know that I am God
he tell us to rest
slow down
he tells us sitting at his feet is better than preparing him a meal
how can he expect this?
i mean... honestly i feel like my priorities are God's heart most of the time!
i feel like God wants me to make some person a priority
i feel like he wants me to be part of this or that
how can he tell me to slow down and give it a rest if these things are his ideas!?
check this out
Jesus did the whole ministry thing for 3 years
he had just...
3 years to teach people what God's heart is
3 years to convince people of who he was
3 years to make a difference in people's lives
3 years to train a handful of disciples to the point that they were capable of changing the world
okay really now
3 years?
some of you reading this are in college or older
i know
that you realize how short 3 years is.
if you're in my class, we're a few short weeks from being halfway through that.
double the time you've been in college. that's how long Jesus had to make a complete and permanent impact on the entire world.
even if you're younger i'm sure you can understand this
3 years
is not a long time
at all.
what did he say after 3 years?
John 17:4
"I have brought you glory on earth by...
completing
the work you gave me to do"
does that even make sense?
how could he say that?
surely there's something else he could do!
there's always another person to be healed.
there's always another lesson to be taught.
but no
his work was completed
interesting
how is this?
i think it lies in our priorities
even if they're not excellent ones
we weren't created to be so task oriented
Jesus knew who he was
who he belonged to
that's the first step
to BE
then what did he do?
look at Mark 1:35-39
he sought out God
God's will
each day
and the strength to carry it out
he didn't have a list of priorities and a long to-do list of ways to meet those
it was so simple to him
and at the end of the day
he could say "everything i came to do is finished"
just think about it yourself
and seek to live in a way
that when you go to bed each night
you are at peace as you say "the work God has given me to day is complete"
Friday, November 9, 2007
meaningful
wow
so you know that thing i posted the other day? (via xanga)
poem i guess you could call it
well maybe it was a week now
i was looking through the stuff i wrote that month
after megan and i broke up
it's beautiful
often very depressing and sad at times
but straight from the heart
and beautiful language
my heart was in it
it was passionate
i wish i could always write that way...
i think i'll probably stop writing so much just about "how my day went"
and more on my thoughts
the meaningful ones
here's a good rule of thumb maybe...
if there's a good title for the post, then it's meaningful
i think that pretty much holds true
the title should be the heart behind it
if it has no such point... then it was point-less
okay, that was on the verge of pointless
sadly, i must write a bit about this
because
i decided to write on blogspot
and all firsts have to have stuff like this discussed
for now i'll copy them to xanga
but if it gets annoying i'll have to stop
i've been thinking about many things lately
God's been teaching me about how my identity comes from him, and how to him I'm something to be loved.
more specifically... how i am his bride
i'm not just loved
i'm loved
like that
but that's not why i'm writing now
(it's also not... entirely... because i'm supposed to be studying now...)
People have also been on my heart
relationships with them
close ones
meaningful ones
one thing
is how precious my time at home is
the people there...
i hope that our relationships are meaningful to as many as possible
what does that mean?
i hope they learn from me
i hope they listen
i hope they know that i listen
and care
i hope they feel loved
because they are
seems like i've read on both Keith and Brother's blogs about depth in relationships
meaning
how... so often
especially between guys
it's just...
not
i'm still trying to learn how to do this
i'm thinking this year will help a lot
even my friendships here at college don't go to deep
i like talking to girls
that usually causes problems i've seen
not that talking to girls isn't good
it's just...
that thing i wrote last week
"guys: learn to share your heart with each other before sharing it with a girl"
same goes for girls
i want to share my heart with men
i don't entirely understand why it works that way... and that's getting off topic
but it's truth
i want to come home
and share my heart with people there
i hope they see how beautiful it is
and how beautiful theirs is
men:
i hope they figure out that it's not weird to share your heart
it's rather manly actually
i hope i can be a bit of a father
so they can figure out how to be a father
our world needs fathers more than anything else besides God
so they can receive the wisdom that i've been given
i hope i can be a brother
to encourage
not in sports, or school,
or any kind of encouragement that is intended to make them feel better inside
to encourage towards Christ
i want to experience the thrill of men opening they hearts to each other and God
women:
i want you to know from me that you are beautiful and loved
by God
i want you to see it and feel it and know it through our relationship
i want you to understand that my eyes are on God
not you
and i want your eyes to be on him
not a guy
i want to be an inspiration and leader to you
back to everyone...
i'm sick of being the guy who lets people come to me
who waits from somebody to ask
before i tell who i am
it's just like me/us to write about this isn't it?
to blog about how we wish our relationships were closer and more real
you know?
i think maybe i'm gonna do something about it
(some mewithoutYou to dwell on, with emphasis)
find a friend
and stay
close.
and with
a melting
heart
tell them whatever you're
most
ashamed of.
our parents have made
so many
mistakes...
but may we forgive them
and forgive ourselves
so you know that thing i posted the other day? (via xanga)
poem i guess you could call it
well maybe it was a week now
i was looking through the stuff i wrote that month
after megan and i broke up
it's beautiful
often very depressing and sad at times
but straight from the heart
and beautiful language
my heart was in it
it was passionate
i wish i could always write that way...
i think i'll probably stop writing so much just about "how my day went"
and more on my thoughts
the meaningful ones
here's a good rule of thumb maybe...
if there's a good title for the post, then it's meaningful
i think that pretty much holds true
the title should be the heart behind it
if it has no such point... then it was point-less
okay, that was on the verge of pointless
sadly, i must write a bit about this
because
i decided to write on blogspot
and all firsts have to have stuff like this discussed
for now i'll copy them to xanga
but if it gets annoying i'll have to stop
i've been thinking about many things lately
God's been teaching me about how my identity comes from him, and how to him I'm something to be loved.
more specifically... how i am his bride
i'm not just loved
i'm loved
like that
but that's not why i'm writing now
(it's also not... entirely... because i'm supposed to be studying now...)
People have also been on my heart
relationships with them
close ones
meaningful ones
one thing
is how precious my time at home is
the people there...
i hope that our relationships are meaningful to as many as possible
what does that mean?
i hope they learn from me
i hope they listen
i hope they know that i listen
and care
i hope they feel loved
because they are
seems like i've read on both Keith and Brother's blogs about depth in relationships
meaning
how... so often
especially between guys
it's just...
not
i'm still trying to learn how to do this
i'm thinking this year will help a lot
even my friendships here at college don't go to deep
i like talking to girls
that usually causes problems i've seen
not that talking to girls isn't good
it's just...
that thing i wrote last week
"guys: learn to share your heart with each other before sharing it with a girl"
same goes for girls
i want to share my heart with men
i don't entirely understand why it works that way... and that's getting off topic
but it's truth
i want to come home
and share my heart with people there
i hope they see how beautiful it is
and how beautiful theirs is
men:
i hope they figure out that it's not weird to share your heart
it's rather manly actually
i hope i can be a bit of a father
so they can figure out how to be a father
our world needs fathers more than anything else besides God
so they can receive the wisdom that i've been given
i hope i can be a brother
to encourage
not in sports, or school,
or any kind of encouragement that is intended to make them feel better inside
to encourage towards Christ
i want to experience the thrill of men opening they hearts to each other and God
women:
i want you to know from me that you are beautiful and loved
by God
i want you to see it and feel it and know it through our relationship
i want you to understand that my eyes are on God
not you
and i want your eyes to be on him
not a guy
i want to be an inspiration and leader to you
back to everyone...
i'm sick of being the guy who lets people come to me
who waits from somebody to ask
before i tell who i am
it's just like me/us to write about this isn't it?
to blog about how we wish our relationships were closer and more real
you know?
i think maybe i'm gonna do something about it
(some mewithoutYou to dwell on, with emphasis)
find a friend
and stay
close.
and with
a melting
heart
tell them whatever you're
most
ashamed of.
our parents have made
so many
mistakes...
but may we forgive them
and forgive ourselves
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