prayer

how to pray?

this is as much or more for me as anyone else

praying should be more than talking
sitting still
saying words

that's almost not real

don't get me wrong, it certainly can be

but i think it can be bigger than that
better than that

Sometimes i get off track
worried about...
trying to use the right words
or focused on listening for God
or a billion different things

But it's not supposed to be like that

because really praying
is free
i think

just sitting saying words in your head isn't always free
and at the same time
putting effort into making it different isn't free either
because it's like you're trying to make it into something you want it to be like

i tend to face two big walls when i pray
i think everybody has something or other that they have to get around

for me, first is not feeling...
close enough to God

it's proposterous I know
considering prayer is how you truly get closer to him
bible study's, church, or memorizing verses about God, doesn't bring you closer
the only thing that does that is praying to him
talking to him
being with him

thats why prayer is so important

sometimes I feel like i'm too imperfect to be with God though
i have a voice in my head that tells me i can't be as close to him as I want to
not yet at least

I used to be so much better at praying
closer to God even, i think

i lost it somewhere along the way
and now that i want it back satan keeps telling me that i can't have it
he tells me to put praying off for later
tomorrow
because maybe then i'll be more... worthy to talk to God i guess
like maybe i'll be good until then,
so then God will allow me in his presence

but that's so wrong because God says that he makes us holy
nobody is righteous but God
but
now
he makes us righteous if we come to him

The point is
it's important to know that nothing holds you back from praying

Perhaps...
You don't feel close to God.
you can still talk to him
it's just going to take effort!
do you really want to or not?

we're so lazy
we don't like doing anything that takes effort

It's not always easy to pray
but it's always possible

The other thing, for me, is not listening.
Praying doesn't have to involve listening every single time.
But I think it should some of the time

if God is real, and you're talking to him, and he loves you
i should think he wants to talk back

but i'm bad at being impatient with him
or getting distracted
or being so focused on hearing what I want
that i don't hear anything when it comes

You've got to be patient
quiet

and persistent

read Daniel 10

have patience with God
he hears your prayers
sometimes it just takes a while to get a response.
for who knows what reason

be persistent
i think God tests us that way sometimes
if we really care we keep at it
if we give up... then did it really matter to us?

And you have to have your ears wide open
apparently God can answer you audibly
i've never heard him
sometimes he just gives you a strong feeling
sometimes he puts thoughts or pictures in your head
sometimes, after you pray, he sends a person to answer you

you have to keep your ears open because you don't know how he'll answer

I love when God responds.
Because it shows how much he loves us.

I can read that he loves me in the Bible.

But when he
talks to
me
i can see the stuff that i read or heard
coming true

what an honor it is to talk to God
to pray to God

it reminds you why you are still alive
and it reminds you why you are still living

meaning of life

well, there's a lot that i could say now
maybe i can tie it up into one thing
warning, it may be long

first a song by classic crime

who needs air

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.
{if only we desired to dance on the ashes of our plans more often}

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don't need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me. {that hurts usually...}
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don't need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild. {oh yes God, please}
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise. {...who am i then?}

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you've got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

[I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life
and give up the air that you breathe.
You don't need anything.]
{He means besides what he's got. Besides the Air of Life.}


That makes me excited.
Things like that tend to.
I read The Vision the other day and it made me cry.

Maybe you're a girl or something and you do that too often. and that's a bad thing to you.
But for me it's a good thing. it doesn't happen enough.

Anyways

But then I have to go and discourage myself.

I guess the biggest thing that discourages me is when I start trying to breathe air again. Instead of God.

But I just never see it coming until it's happened!

or maybe that's just an excuse...
i dunno

Will we ever get things right?

I mean, you're supposed to give yourself to God right?
And he works on you, making you better

But I'll never be perfect!
It seems idiotic.

It's like God's trying so hard to do something that will never happen.

It's not all God though.
My effort goes in here somewhere... right?

Again, I get discouraged
because most of the time as soon as I try harder
and put effort into doing things right
i fail

I suppose that's because... I can't do things right without God

But then we're back where we started!!

argh...

But then I realize...

i guess...
that...

That's the idea.

I never will deserve God's love.
He doesn't ask that I reach some level.
And then it's all good.

Nonono

I am eternally screwed.

And yet...
eternally loved away from death by God.
he loves me... anyways

Do you see how deep our debt is?
It's infinite.

Oh no! more discouragement
i'm so in debt!

but... he doesn't ask that we pay it back...?
(thats good, i can't...)

He just wants us to receive it.
it is... a gift i suppose

Imagine your parents gave you something that incredible for Christmas.

And now good ol' five iron
this is the thought process i've been through in all this.
my thought process every time I have to teach myself what life is.

every new day

When I was young, the smallest trick of light, Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day, I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for, And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar, {i used to be that way... But wait... maybe I still am, and I just can't see it.... read my xanga for today}

I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears, Watered Heaven with their tears,
{oh God help me}

Before words were spoken, Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you, Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher, Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach, reach, was not so high,
then, I thought the world was so much smaller, feeling I, could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies, behind infinity,
below the face of Heaven, he stoops to create me. {again, praise God}

{discouraged. again.}
Man versus himself. Man versus machine. Man versus the world. mankind versus me.
The struggles go on, the wisdom I lack,
the burdens keep piling up on my back.
So hard to breathe, to take the next step.
The mountains is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace, and hoping for peace.
Dear God... increase.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here’s my heart, let it be forever Your’s,
only you can make every new day seem so new.
{that means more than... when i wake up in the morning God makes me happy}

only you can make every new day seem so new.

(EVIL GRIN)
I leave you with an absolutely horrible
and absolutely beautiful thing I just thought of.

here is the Matlab code of God (sorry i go to Tech)
______________________
your_glory=false %I suck
your_worth=0 %therefore I'm worth nothing

Gods_love=true %but God loves me?

while Gods_love==true
your_worth= your_worth +1 %he gives me worth?
end
______________________

(by the way that just means we have no worth
but then God loves us
and gives us worth.
But there's a mistake in the code. [there must be!, we shout]
at some point after "while" Gods_love should =false.
Or else the code loops forever...)

This would give your computer an error.
It can't handle the numbers. They're too big.

Apparently God can do it.

Crazy.

So

Go
and live like God makes you worth something.
Because is trying so hard to.

patience

more about friends...

how awful it is when a friend just
isn't being a friend to you

how tragic it is to lose a friend

i fear that in my life i've lost two best friends
and many other friends
in my life

whether it was because we just went different ways
or we were part of different groups
or whatever

the worst however
is when a friend changes.
and just... isn't
a friend anymore

i don't understand it

see one person in particular is on my heart
i love this person to death

but it feels like a lost cause!

like falling in love with a girl you know will never return the love

it's just friendship instead of romance

it hurts

oh yes it hurts
and it's half driving me crazy

i've no clue what insanity it would lead me to if God didn't keep my eyes on himself

how does this happen?
it doesn't make sense
why have you shut yourself off from me?
what did I do?


how can i be a friend back?
friendships take effort from both sides

i suppose it's not a friendship anymore?

maybe i'm just overdramatic

the thing is
this person needs my friend-love
so badly

i am humbled

because you see
i nearly don't want to give it

i want to say
fine.
goodbye.
see how you do without me.


but God says not to do that?

it's easy to love those who love you
and actually
i think it's not too hard to love those who hate you, much of the time

but how hard it is to love the people in between
who just don't get it

i'm nearly sick of the burden
and sick of praying for somebody who doesn't want it

but if i give that up
i am nothing

precious time

don't waste one minute
when you are around people

one day they probably won't be there anymore
one day all the influence you had on them will prove itself
one day they will be too far away to hear your words

and then...
then everything hangs upon what you did
while you were still together

see this weekend i got to spend time with people back home
i was so busy!
because there was always somebody to be doing something with

certainly i had to make time to be alone
to be by myself

but this past week i realized that...
i have been friends with (and even simply known)
so many people.

what did that matter?

it's interesting to see who i've had an impact on and who i haven't

i've been thinking about how...
there were all those people
and now they're out there on their own
like i was their parent, and now they're grown up
only... not a parent
but a friend

i'm not there anymore to tell them if something's wrong.
the thing that kills me most i think
is how i'm not there to encourage them

i can go home for the weekend
and talk to people there
but now i'm back at school

clearly this is where God wants me at
and i'm okay with that
but i still love the people i've...
left behind or parted from

and i miss them
(or depending on who you are)
i miss you

i wanted to go to the student leadership meeting
to tell them the things i think should be fixed
to laugh with them
to encourage them

but it's not...
my youth group anymore

it's hard to let go of

same thing with single friends

i got to spend some time with...
my brother, for example
and i can love him
and have fun with him
and encourage him

but now...
i'm not there with him anymore

when i go to.. church for example
i feel like I'm on a mission
to find certain people that i know
and talk to them
see what's going on with them

i spent some time with one person in particular
and it was nice
i hope it helped
But...

here i am
at school

then there are my friends who have also left home
who have dispersed across the state and country
i love them
but i hardly get to see them now

ANYWAYS

what i'm getting at
is...

what did i mean to those people?

because...
now the influence i have on them is so limited
i'm not there every day, every week

and it's not that at some point i controlled their lives
like some overprotective parent

but God used me to do something in those people

did i use my time wisely?

how much more could God have done with me if i realized how precious my time with them was?

people and friends aren't just problems to solve
"things" to "work on"

don't get the wrong idea

it's just that...
i sort of realized what it's like to be... a parent
what it's like to see the people that you invested so much in...
on their own

they have to make their own mistakes
figure things out without me there

everyone is quite capable of that ^_^
i don't claim to be mr. fix-it

but i wish i could be there to help everybody along

and i can't be

time is up

Do I,
Do you
love people
like time is running out?