light

and we will burn, the starless night,
the truth will ring through depths of twilight.
Liberty, our hearts ignite,
let hope still ring through depths of twilight.

through the dark our hearts will scream,
for a world we’ve only dreamed.
and the past, it will decay,
so sing goodbye to yesterday.

i refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight... i believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.
-MLK Jr.

internet

for the last couple days i wrote down everything i did.
and without continuing i can already see where my time goes...

besides things like sleeping and eating,
and besides classes and homework,
most of my time is split between doing things with people and wasting time on the computer.

in an effort to have more time for homework and people and sleep i'm going to internet fast again.

usually i get on rather innocently to check messages or blogs or something. i don't normally intend to waste time.
but looking at the last couple days... if i touch my computer i'll be on it for at least half an hour. checking a few quick things shouldn't take that long.

basically for this week i'm strictly touching my computer for email and homework purposes only.

i feel like this is going to stress me out... but last time i did it, i felt great afterwards.
so i think it will be good. :)

i've just seen a face

i've just seen a face,
i can't forget the time or place
where we just met.
you are just the one for me
and i want all the world to see
we've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm.

had it been another day
i might have looked the other way
and i'd have never been aware.
but as it is i'll dream of you
tonight, di-di-di-di'n'di.

falling, yes i am falling,
and you keep calling
me back again.

i have never known
the like of this, i've been alone.
and I have missed things
and kept out of sight
but no one else was never quite
like this, mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm.

falling, yes i am falling,
and you keep calling
me back again.

i've just seen a face,
i can't forget the time or place
where we just met.
you're just the one for me
and i want all the world to see
we've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-di'n'di.

oh, falling, yes i am falling,
and you keep calling
me back again.

questions

i really love friends.
especially the kind you can really talk to. and share secrets with. and laugh with. and depend on. and be encouraged by. and so on.


i saw someone else do this, and want to copy him...

ask me a question.
any question at all.
whether it's "what's your favorite color" or "what's your worst memory."
preferably not a yes/no question.
preferably one with a why or a how.
you're allowed more than one if you want.

and i'll answer it.
or try at least.
as long as i'm not breaking someone else's trust, basically.

hopefully it will be fun. :)

singleness anniversary

ha
of course.

i'd completely forgotten

how strange...
what is it about this day that he enjoys attacking me so much?

grr

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(romans 8:26)

sigh

today i was truly resting in god.
it was wondrous.
i was just walking back from class smiling.
people were probably wondering what i thought was so funny...

and then he showed me a glimpse of my future, i think.
the brief version of the story...

i've been thinking about spending a few months with this awesome ministry called eMi.
i found it one day in high school, when we were in the library doing research for something or other. and i've thought about it randomly from time to time since. a few weeks ago i sent an email asking for more information, and i've been waiting for them to get back to me...

then this morning i went to a lecture by the guy who founded engineers without borders, another awesome organization. it reminded me/got me pretty excited about how i can use my education in really cool ways.

then i got back to my room,
and while i was gone eMi responded to me.

i definitely plan on working with them.
the only question is when...


and i let that question bother me.
started worrying about it.

then i did some homework.
and got frustrated and stressed by tricky homework problems.

and forgot that god gives me peace.
forgot how he's taking care of me...
right
in front
of my eyes!
yet i still struggled to trust him instead of myself.


this isn't utter sadness. :)
i have hope.
it's not that big a deal.

i just couldn't help but let out a sigh at how ridiculous i can be.


he made the world a grassy road before our bare, wandering feet,
and crushed the stones into the softest sand between our toes.

but we're wondering where to sleep.

come quick, you light that knows no evening
come, alone to the alone!

rejoice, the cleansing of my lips
Rejoice, salvation of my soul!

but I still have a thousand half-loves well worth leaving for to take your madness home.

conundrum

this tags right along with what i was saying yesterday i suppose.

this one question has been eating at me for the last year i think...

see, so often i feel incapable of doing anything without passion.
because i have no reason to do it!
maybe that's a big exaggerated...
but how do you get yourself to do something without motivation?
that's what it boils down to.

on the other hand,
sometimes i think that passion comes after the fact.
how can you be passionate about something if you haven't tried it?

it's quite a problem
a riddle.
like a key locked in a safe.
cache 22.

faith and deeds
is what this comes down to i guess.

for it is by faith that i am saved, through grace.
and yet faith without works is dead.

peter walked on water by faith.

but if faith is by grace
we must accept grace before faith comes.
in a sense, grace is accepted before faith was there to spur on the accepting.

it's a conundrum.

really i think they come together.
in the same instance.
separate things.
but they come and exist and happen simultaneously.

but that's just theological jumble or something.
it doesn't mean much to me.

all i know
is that i wish i loved Jesus more.
but half the time i just don't really care enough to do something about it.

so do i just sit here and wait for faith? for my heart to be in it?
surely not...

so do i fight for it? try to follow, seek, obey before the faith, the passion comes?
how?!

that's the predicament i find myself in way too often...


Say the words and make them count,
Say them loud without a doubt.
Give us truth and nothing more,
Leave us wanting more and more.

waiting

bah
i'm tired of waiting...

waiting for passion
for heart

i feel like i've been that way forever
always at the mercy of my mood, my excitement
or lack thereof.

i can just never seem to follow through with something unless my heart is in it
and until it is...
i just have to
wait.

it's a rather frustrating spot to be in
because when a flicker of passion is there
you just come to see how helpless you are.
and otherwise...
things might not seem so bad
but it's only because you're numb.

i wish my heart broke more
i wish i could love more.

i wish i could wake up every day
and remember what it felt like to walk out of that cave.

i wish energy was never in short supply
never the limiting factor.

i wish i could be as selfless as want to be.

i wish i could still remember how to give my heart away.

waiting for an answer to a feeble, whispered, faithless prayer is hard.