mountains

gasp
i'm writing again!

i dunno if i will suddenly jump right back into the 3-4 per month average... heck, it may be another few months before i write another. in fact, honestly there's no guarantee i will finish this one and actually post it i suppose... ^_^

life has just been so busy
busier than ever i think

between school, navs, and pl-ing i just don't have a lot of time
even my actual journal has been dry when it comes to my own thoughts and prayers

but even with the busyness
i'm sure there's an element of laziness
or wasting time elsewhere

and at least a little bit of writing out my thoughts can be good for me
and hopefully for you too :)


basically i was home for the month of may- just being with my family. i had no job or responsibilities. a once in a lifetime chance perhaps, but it was so good. :)

for june and july i was at stp
summer training program
it's a navs thing
hopefully i'll get around to writing about it sometime or another...

but for now i have other things on my mind

and i had to come straight back to school in august for fall ra training
which went straight in to this crazy school year

this last weekend we had our navs fall conference
it was so good to see stp friends from other schools who were there :)
and the conference itself was pretty good

it was also our fall break
so after the conference i went off on my own to asheville...
it was such a remarkable day!
when i got there i sent a text to google and got directions to the nearest state park
and i ended up on the blue ridge parkway- a state park/road that runs from northern virginia to western north carolina (maybe east tennessee?)
i drove along for a ways, stopping at each overlook (there was probably one every mile or so)
like this:
















eventually the road went over this ridge where you could see off both sides. there was a little ranger station and a few trails. i took a quick hike to the top of "crabby pinnacle" which was the highest peak in the area. and oh my goodness... the pictures can't compare to being there. it was breathtaking. it made me want to giggle and smile.
















i spent some time up top praying and reading my bible. and wrote a note on the back of a postcard for erin.

then i looked at a map and realized that there was a place called mount mitchel just 10 more miles down the road. i looked closer and realized that it was the highest peak in north america on this side of the mississippi river! so i ended up there as well :)

































it was such an incredible experience! the temperature got down to the high 30s and the wind was about like you'd imagine it would be at the highest point for thousands of miles. so i didn't spend terribly too much time up there. :)

afterwards i went back to asheville to visit megan. we had a great time talking and catching up on life. it was so nice to finally get a glimpse of her world.

but anyways, back to the mountains...
it was like a special gift. :)
i had asked God to allow us to have a great afternoon together. but i was expecting i would spend time alone with him in a local park in Asheville. or something simple like that.
i had no idea that he would lead me on such an adventure!
i really had no clue where i would end up.
and the end was so marvelous!

when i was up there, i just couldn't get enough of the mountains. it didn't get boring looking at them.
they were so grand and majestic.
they were big and powerful.
they were colorful and lively.
they were so green, which i have decided is my favorite color.
and you can't really tell from the pictures i put up i guess, but with the beginning of fall there were perfect splotches of yellows and reds and browns.

the way they changed on the way up was so beautiful.
at first all of the trees were green and "normal"
the higher i got the more scraggly they looked. and the more multi-colored they were.
and as i got even higher there were more and more evergreens.

you could look out and see row after row.
and when you looked to the southeast, way in the distance you could see a flat horizon and even make out the curve of the earth.

God did such a tremendous job making them.
He must be so absolutely proud of them. :)

but then i was floored
because His word tells me that He is even more proud of me!
He thinks that you and i are even more beautiful.
He took me all the way up there, not just because they are great.
but because He wanted me to experience their greatness with him.
He wanted to share them with me
to see my joy
to be with me up there.
to Him,
I was the whole point of that adventure!

oh how special we are to God :)

commitment

hey
this is my 100th post on blogspot.
cool :)

this morning i went to ihop
(international house of prayer, that is)
and it was fantastic.

it's great how God meets you when you come to him.

i feel like i've been avoiding him some.
i'm glad to have this month of freedom to correct that
though i was starting to get worried i would waste the opportunity
because i'm stupid.
i've been so selfish
and have had a hard time seeing past it even when i want to.
i was literally shouting to God in the car the other day that i'm tired of being selfish.

but i just have to remember
when i take one step toward God
he will come the rest of the way.

if i can be committed to taking a step each day
he will come to me.

summer

what wonderful weather :)

i love the warmth

its just nice to be outside and comfortable at the same time
nice to feel wind and not shiver
nice to go barefoot

i'm so ready for the month of may...

mewithoutYou

an oversized list of some of my favorite lyrics on their new cd:

every thought a thought of You.
every look in search of You.
our darkest nights are days to You.
the trees raise branches high
like arms in church to grateful sky.
every song in praise of You.
no one here to believe but You.
everyone else is bound to leave but You.
when they swear their love is real,
they mean "i like the way you make me feel."
there's no one here to believe but you.

when letting all attachments go,
is the only prayer we know,
may it be so,
may it be so,
may it be so...

the horse's hay beneath his head
our Lord was born to a manger bed
that all whose wells run dry
could drink of his supply.
the donkey whispered in his ear
"child, in 30-some-odd years
you'll ride someone who looks like me-
untriumphantly."
the cardinals warbled a joyful song:
"he'll make right what man made wrong,
bringing low the hills
that the valleys might be filled."
when the rain picks up
and the sun goes down
sinners, come inside
with no money, come and buy.
no clever talk, nor a gift to bring
requires our lowly, lovely king.
come now empty handed, you don't need anything.

and the night was cool
and clear as glass
with the sneaking snake in the garden grass.
deep cried out to deep;
the disciples fast asleep.
and the snake perked up
when he heard You ask,
"if you're willing that
this cup might pass
we could find our way back home
maybe start a family all our own."
"but does not the Father guide the Son?
not my will, but yours be done.
what else here to do?
what else me, but You?"
and the snake who'd held the world
a stick, a carrot and a string,
was crushed beneath the foot
of your not wanting anything.

we all well know
we're gonna reap what we sow.
but grace, we all know
can take the place of all we owe.
so why not, let's forgive everyone everywhere everything...
all the time everyone everywhere everything.

we get split to pieces like an apple core husk to reveal the tree that's been hidden inside.
what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d there must be!
what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d You must be!

and the father [beetle king] explained, "you've been somewhat deceived,
we've all called me your dad, but your true dad's not me.
i laid next to your mom and your forms were conceived;
your Father's the light within all that you see.
He fills up the ponds as He empties the clouds,
holds without hands, and He speaks without sounds.
provides us with the cow's waste and coconuts to eat
giving one that nice salt taste, and the other is sweet.
sends the black carriage the day death shows its face;
thinning our numbers with kindness and grace.
and just as a flower and its fragrance are one,
so must each of you and your Father become.
now distribute my scepter, my crown, and my throne
and all we've known as wealth to the poor and alone.
without further hesitation, without looking back home,
the king flew headlong into the blazing unknown.
and as the smoke king curled higher and higher
the troops flying loops round the telephone wires
they said, "our beloved's not dead, but his highness instead,
has been utterly changed into fire."
why not be utterly changed into fire?

in everywhere we look
in everywhere we look
Allah, Allah, Allah
in everyone we meet
in everyone we meet
Allah, Allah, Allah
in every blade of grass
in every blade of grass
Allah, Allah, Allah
it doesn't matter what you done-
what effect is without a cause?
it doesn't matter what you done,
now lay your faithless head down.
in necessities cotton hand
there's a love that never changes
no matter what you done.
if you care to sing forgiveness songs
come down and join our band.
we'll cut you like a sword
and sing forgiveness songs.

hosanna

it's been a while :)

i finally learned a good definition of the word hosanna!
it's one of those troublesome "church words" that pops up in the bible and in sermons and in songs... and you just don't ever know exactly what it means without context clues...

apparently even in Jesus' time it had become an expression of praise and the true meaning was lost. so i think our confusion is definitely justified here... :) that's about the way it's used in songs right? it's just this vague sort of expression of praise...

but i was delighted to learn that it does in fact have deeper meaning!

it's a hebrew phrase made of two words
ישע = to save, deliver, give victory to
נא = an expression of earnest request or incitement, such as "please!", "i pray", or in a more desperate/demanding sense "now!"

matthew 21:9
"the crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted, "Save now!..."

and he responded to that more powerfully than they could have imagined!
certainly beyond what they expected...

i feel so privileged to be able to shout hosanna and mean it.
and besides praying it for myself, i can pray it for the world around me!

let's be outwardly focused as we consider the sacrifice and victory of our Savior this year :)


I see the king of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

the first step

	بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ
	الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ
	الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ
	مَالِكِ يَوْمِ الدِّينِ
	إِيَّاكَ نَعْبُدُ وَإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِينُ
	اهْدِنَا الصِّرَاطَ الْمُسْتَقِيمَ
	صِرَاطَ الَّذِينَ أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيْهِمْ غَيْرِ الْمَغْضُوبِ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا الضَّالِّينَ

In the name of God,
the Compassionate, the Merciful.

Praise be to God, Lord of the Universe,
The Compassionate, the Merciful,
Sovereign of the Day of Judgment.

You alone we worship,
and to You alone we turn for help.

Guide us to the straight path,
The path of those whom You have favored,
Not of those who have incurred Your wrath,
Nor of those who have gone astray.

callouses

goodness me
haven't posted this month still...
once again, sorry for the dry spell.

just got through reading some old blog posts...
remembering.

God made us to remember.
though i don't do a terribly good job at it.
i'm quick to forget the things he has done in my life.
quick to forget the things he has taught me.

it's frustrating when you read an old journal and find that the thing you are currently "learning" you supposedly had learned 2 years ago. :)

... i need to go back and reread my journals. particularly the non-sermon/bible study notes.
i need to be reminded of what God has done.
i need to see how much he loves me.


in the last couple weeks i have come to realize that i don't know God's love and grace very well.

i feel that so many people, particularly those who didn't grow up in a christian family, know God's grace. and they know his love. (maybe this is you)

many people are like this.
erin is like this.
she actually began to follow Christ when she was about the same age as me. but she went through... a change. it took many years of following Christ for her to see the change completely i think...
but her life then was very different than it is now.
back then, she saw so clearly the difference between the world she was part of and God's kingdom.
and now it's even experiential... she is part of God's kingdom and she knows it and sees it. she can see how far God had to bring her to remove her from the world.

me?
i never saw much of a change. at least not one that i remember.
i was not always part of God's kingdom i guess... but you could say i lived near the border, rather than in the heart of "the world".

don't misunderstand...
i need grace just as much as anyone else. if sin were something you could tally up, it wouldn't look pretty.

but the way i grew up...
i don't know what it's like to be without God's forgiveness and love and mercy. i have always been told about them.

so even at my very worst (which is just as bad as anyone else's worst) i knew about God's love in my head.

it's a good thing to always know God's love.

but i feel like it all got mixed up in my head.
cycles of rejecting god then running back to him have always happened so... quickly.
my heart has hardly (if ever) understood how far God has to bring me.

my heart is calloused.
the pain that sin should bring... usually feels more like a tingle.
the soft, healing touch that god brings,... i am numb to as well.

grace and love (or whatever downplayed versions that i usually accept) seem more like over-the-counter medicines.
God's grace and love should be more like surgery.

God doesn't walk next door to be with us.
he comes all the way from the heavens.

God didn't stub his toe to forgive us.
he suffered and died.

crossing from death to life isn't like crossing from america to canada.
it's like escaping from communist russia.

moving from the world to God's kindom isn't like swimming across a pool.
it's like swimming across the pacific ocean.


but my heart...
doesn't begin to grasp how tremendous this is.

i'm begging God to really help me see, know, and appreciate his Grace and Love.

death

oh dear :(
it's like being told your mother has terminal cancer...
(just not quite actually that bad)
or like the day you realize your favorite childhood toy is getting worn out...

this popped up tonight:

victories

again, sorry for the dry spell...
though i won't say anymore, because it's just lame if i start every post groveling :)

if you know me really well, then you probably know a bit about the way i've struggled with porn and whatnot during my life thus far.

and i have to admit, having my own room this year has made it difficult.

but God is reminding me over and over to have hope for the day when he makes all things new. he is reminding me that my spirit is a new creation already! and he is reminding me that because of this we can know each other, be with each other, interact with each other- be friends, father/son, king/servant, shepherd/sheep, lover/bride, etc. (and that is what he desires more than anything)

so for now... i'm not perfect.
my "flesh" (as the bible calls it) is not perfect.
but God is renewing me each day on the inside.
and it will creep its way out fully one day...

and it's not something i have to sit and wait for...
it's starting to happen already!
even as i type this, the new creation is spreading outward from my spirit.

God's reminders and encouragement has pushed me a bit...
urged me to not just sit by and wait.
he has given me hope for what i will be. for what we will be and what we are becoming.

and he is renewing my faith.
more times than i can count i have promised God to make changes and promised God i'll have faith that he can help me make those changes.
and i have failed God more times than i can count (particularly sexually, like i was saying...)
such promises and failure can crush faith...
but God is renewing it.

and it's great :)


anyways, all of that is pretty.... internal. sounds like a bunch of... theory. spiritual talk.
but... it's also real.

for the first time, i feel like i have finally learned how to be held accountable to a brother. it's so hard. and so good. that's a wall God has been trying to tear down for years... i don't know why i have been so hesitant to trust in such a way... but anyways... i'm finally truly learning how to do it fully i feel. and it's magnificent!

also, (again, particularly in regards to sexual sin) i have decided to make a more drastic step than i have ever made and use an internet filter.
it's... humbling for one. it's not easy to admit that it just might possibly be a good idea.
it's frustrating too... it won't even let me do a freaking normal google image search. sooo inconvenient...
it costs money.
but it's all worth it i think. it's what God was calling me to anyways.

guys,
i'm not perfect.
most of the time i feel like i'm juggling everything in my life.
and dropping most of it.

but God calls me his son. his beloved. his servant. his friend.
he calls me new. he calls me "mighty warrior."

though i am not, he calls me as though i were.
and therefore, i am.

even when i don't feel like it...
i lack nothing.
life is good :)
(even when i don't feel it!)


i've discovered something awesome.
i'm calling it bro time with Jesus, unless a better name comes to mind.
it basically consists of...
first getting away from other people, somewhere quiet and mostly dark. (like in my room at night, with a lamp on)
then obtaining an ibc rootbeer.
then getting comfortable, drinking the rootbeer, and spending time with Jesus (mainly talking and listening).

it's awesome.
and i'm gonna go have one before i go to sleep...