preparation

as i struggle through a difficult week or two...

that is,
difficult in many ways:
school, work, God, life in general...
you get the idea.

as i struggle through a difficult week, i cannot help but think over and over about the future.
about my wife and my children especially.
(both of which i at least imagine having one day)

and i cannot help but think about how
good
i want to be for them.

about how i want to be a good leader, and a good lover, and a good example, and so on...

and as i struggle through a difficult week...
i see how i am not this man.

it drives me nuts.
it has been driving me nuts for the last many months really, but its times like this that it really comes out.

and don't misunderstand me...
i don't expect myself to be the perfect man.
well... at least i try not to expect that. :)

i realize that i need to focus on being faithful to God.
and faithful to them.
and that he will take care of the rest...

but
i desire to be as good as i can for them.
God will use me, no matter whether i am weak or strong.
but for his sake and theirs...
i want to be stronger.

not a man barely clinging to God, and holding them back.
but a man boldly leading them and loving them as best as God makes it possible.

see?

and as i struggle through a difficult week,
i cannot help but be frustrated by how
weak
and unprepared
i am.

how will i ever become that?


...i also know i should not dwell on the future.
two things are important:
now.
and eternity.

as i struggle through a difficult week,
like this,
how do i love and lead the people who are around me
now?

this is what is important...

i'm sorry i'm not doing a good job of this folks.
most of you don't even know it.
i apologize anyways.

i'm...
trying to try harder...

...well...
i'm in the middle of a lab report and it's already 3:30 in the morning. so i'm going to go back to it now.

i think that's all...
my head has been a mess..
so while this little glob of thoughts made sense for a few moments i had to get it out.
:)

best friend

i wish my best friend were here...

hidden

presently, i'm awfully emotional.

i haven't figured out why yet.
heck, there might not even be a reason.

i think maybe i hide it.
but then again, maybe i'm not so transparent as i think.

i like to think i'm a person with nothing to hide.
but i'm reminded that's far from true.

which is sad.

i wish it were true.

though...
maybe i'm not hiding because i'm afraid...

maybe it's just because i don't know what i'm hiding.

or maybe it's just because it's not fair for other people to deal with it.

i think i want pity.
though i frown at myself for that.
why so selfish?

how can i know this or that SO well,
and not feel it in my heart?


i want to be completely open
for every part of me to be seen.
every secret.
every feeling.

though...
maybe i want it for a good reason for a second or two...
but then suddenly it's just because i want attention.


then...
i want to hide.
everything.
who i am, what i've done, how i feel.
all of it.

because...
if i'm going to be so selfish,
i'll just starve myself from attention.

but this doesn't work well,
and the desire to be cracked open doesn't leave.
i'm hungry for encouragement.

truth is, i think i don't have the slightest idea how to deal with a lot of things.
all i know how to do is bury them.

until i explode
and look for comfort in a thousand things
then find God when they fail me
then forget it all.

forget it.

i'm so good at forgetting.
especially the things that shouldn't be forgotten.


i am lonely.
but i won't let myself be held.

i want to cry to someone.
but nobody will come to me.

and i have a feeling that's not what i need anyways.

it's like starving yourself because all you have is junk food.


if any of that made sense to you, then i'm impressed. :)
if you think you put all the puzzle pieces together and it made something...
then you're either crazy. because that was straight out of an ADD heart.
or else you're a genious. you should grow up and be a psychologist and help me make sense of myself.

basically what all of this says is...
what in the world is going on?

time

i don't understand...
how are some people so good at it?

i have too many priorities
and not enough time.


and why the heck don't i know how to let myself rest and be comforted?


i'm always either completely selfish
or completely selfless.

:(
gag
sorry,
i'm tired :)

valley of the shadow

i need a quick break.

is this... the first all-nighter i've done in college?
really?

surely not... but i don't remember actually staying up ALL night before, and into the next day.
maybe i've just forgotten?

seems like i normally give myself at least an hour of sleep even at the worst...
what's going on with me?
(insert smile mixed with curious and serious, but not overly so, expression here)

anyways...
maybe i will get a bit of shuteye before it's over... still 3 hours before my test.

i'm not terribly efficient anymore.
the sad thing is i'm more efficient than i am in the middle of the day.

i think it's the pressure.
i need pressure to motivate me.

i think i'm not very self-motivated.
sure i am with some things...
but not most. not many.


erin bought c.s. lewis' space trilogy.
for some unknown reason it's a very unknown set of books he wrote.

i got to read the first one.
it was brilliant.

i can't say much about what it was about and what it meant on here in the event that erin or chelsea or someone else who will be made to read it sees this and i spoil the book.

i love the way he can detach you from religion,
and then challenge you to think about the way you think.

i wish i could always see myself,
and the world,
and God
from such a... pure point of view.
the way He sees it.
the way he created us to see it, i think.


hm...
i guess i'm not so much on the dark side of titan...
but more...
in a shadowed valley with the slow-rising sun blocked, just behind the mountains.


part of "only a shadow" by misty edwards

i know where i came from.
i know where i am going.

my Father, He is God,
and my Maker.
He is my Husband.
eternity is my home.

His name is written on my forehead
and my name is written on the palm of His hand.

He is mine, and i am His.
He is mine, and i am His.

so take my body if you please,
and try,
try and take all of me.

but my soul He keeps.
my soul He keeps.

though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
the Lord,

He is my Shepherd.
He is my Shepherd.

i am my Beloved's and He is mine.
rightly do i love Him, though i walk through the valley of the shadow.

happenings

hmm
haven't written much in a while.
and the last (two) were really just for fun.

on friday...

david, erin, chelsea, and i won a lottery thing and got cheap tickets to Wicked.
it was great. :)
i haven't been to anything theatrical in a while. it was nice.
and a very entertaining play. i like how it fits into Wizard of Oz.
and i like how friendship is the main theme. there aren't enough stories about friendship.

then i put in braveheart at 1am, planning on watching just the beginning.
but i guess i was too tired to get up and turn it off, because we watched the whole thing...

on saturday...

i went with athelia and adell to a park downtown. my church was doing this... homeless outreach thing of sorts. and stephanie was part of it- a bunch of artists were drawing in the sidewalks. i hadn't seen her in too long. it was nice. especially to hear about what she did this summer... i helped support her, but hadn't really heard any details about how it went yet. it makes me so happy to see how God used a bit of my money.

i so look forward to having a job which gives me plenty of money, so that i can do neat things with it.

since we were late getting out to/back from the park, i missed the first half of our football game. when we returned i took a little nap and watched the end of the game. we didn't win well... but we won. and now tech is (a) ranked! and (b) the highest ranked team in the acc! :) that's exciting.

then i reminisced over five iron frenzy for a while.
and had a grilled cheese for lunch. i love having my own frying pan. it makes such yummy grilled cheese sandwiches.

in the evening was a swing dance, which was wonderful!
i haven't been swing dancing in months now.
and there were a bunch of girls there that i knew.
i've decided it's more fun for me to dance with people i know. i'm comfortable with grabbing any random girl and dancing. but i thoroughly enjoy being ridiculous, and trying to figure out old moves, and making up silly new ones, and laughing a lot. and this is simply more doable with friends. dancing with the girls who had never been before was nice, because (a) i felt free to keep it simple if i wanted and (b) dancing with an unconfident person makes you feel more confident. :) and carol (a nearby PL) was a lot of fun to dance with too- our skill level was well matched.

demyan, carol, erin, and chelsea came over afterward and watched... some old black and white movie from the 30s. one of those... dancing guy loves a girl, singing in the rain type movies. not braveheart. but i was very pleased with a lot of the humor. :)

on sunday...

i did almost nothing except... take a shower, eat, journal, eat, and go to church.

today...

i am happy and satisfied.

a song we sang at church meant a lot to me. particularly the chorus (which i put at the end). i remember loving it, but haven't heard it in a while.

Satisfied

All my life long, I had thirsted
For a drink from some cool spring,
That I hoped would quench the burning
Of the thirst I felt within.

Feeding on the filth around me,
Till my strength was almost gone,
Longed my soul for something better,
Only still to hunger on.

Poor I was, and sought for riches,
Something that would satisfy,
But the dust I gathered round me
Only mocked my soul's sad cry.

Well of water, ever springing,
Bread of life so rich and free,
Untold wealth that never faileth,
My Redeemer is to me.

Hallelujah! He has found me
The One my soul so long has craved!
Jesus satisfies all my longings
Through His blood I now am saved.

my good friend erin

this is erin defending her honor

Athelia had stolen Joshua's glasses because they are arch-nemeses

and he turned to Rachel last night and asked her to sneak into the girls house and to retrieve his glasses back from Athelia's room. Rachel didn't seem very thrilled about this and asked Joshua why Chelsea and I couldn't get it for him.

Joshua paused for a moment...looked around at Chelsea and I (we were having a discussion with Kyle), and then whispered to Rachel that she was the only one capable.

Thinking nobody had heard his doubts about Chelsea and I, he went on like he hadn't said anything so cruel at all.


Well,
I had heard

and I felt stabbed at his lack of trust.
I mean, hadn't we been there for him?
Hadn't we taken his side over Athelia's?
Hadn't we proved ourselves?

apparently not.


So tonight at house dinner I saw Athelia. And still feeling incredibly hurt by Joshua I was now suddenly feeling a lot more loyal to Athelia, who trusted me. So I decided to warn her to be wary of spies to rescue her hostage.

When Joshua found out about what I had said I felt no remorse because he had already turned his back on me. and then he found grounds to blame ME for what had happened. And I admit I did behave a little bit childish but I was so hurt by his lack of turst.


....



So I left hurt and proud for bible study.

but the more I thought about it, I decided that I really must have hurt Joshua and even though he had hurt me. and I really didn't want him to be hurt. And so I decided our friendship was more important that this silly argument. So i asked Athelia for his glasses and I returned them very humbly and apologized.


For a while he was suspicious, and unmoving...but after a while he saw I was sincere and decided to accpet my peace offer.



I still have yet to receive an apology for the hurt he caused me

betrayal

tonight i was betrayed by erin.

it reminded me of a movie scene...

here's some pictures to jog your memory:































athelia is holding my glasses hostage.

i thought i could get them back...
but erin burned that bridge.

alas.

i was left with two options:
meet athelia's demands
or keep my honor.

it was tough...
but like william wallace,
i chose the second.

now i will go and mourn my loss...

broke

"Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer."
why's that so hard?

it's so difficult to have a soft heart
and be tough
at the same time.

stupid, silly things make me crumble inside and out.
but then i have to fight hard to crack open the door just a little bit to let in the things that are truly incredible.

i want to be a hero, and a warrior, and a friend, and a brother, and a man.
but i can't imagine how to get there.
and with every attempt i just get pushed back harder.

and every time i try to just
be.
and to allow God to make me become...
i end up thinking about myself and waiting for him to do everything.
forgetting the gift's price.


what do i do?
and where do i find comfort?

...questions i've always known the answer to.
yet still can't seem to answer.

because i'm too scared
and too tired
to attempt the swim
from my little, bobbing wooden plank
to that ship
again.


in the meantime,
i just feel like a soldier without a gun.
a beast without a beauty.
a farmer in a drought.
an athlete with a sprained ankle.

and a simple scream for help doesn't fix it.

Free

I am free to love.
Free
to be
and to become.
Though I may reach for the stars,
You have placed them at my elbows and feet.

Take joy my Father
in what you see.
Me!
Beauty.
Bravery. Boldness.
Because I'm not just anyone,
but I'm Your son!

You give me peace and rest when I have none.
Wonderful Peace.

Free.
So that You might be glorified in me.