Wednesday, October 8, 2008

broke

"Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer."
why's that so hard?

it's so difficult to have a soft heart
and be tough
at the same time.

stupid, silly things make me crumble inside and out.
but then i have to fight hard to crack open the door just a little bit to let in the things that are truly incredible.

i want to be a hero, and a warrior, and a friend, and a brother, and a man.
but i can't imagine how to get there.
and with every attempt i just get pushed back harder.

and every time i try to just
be.
and to allow God to make me become...
i end up thinking about myself and waiting for him to do everything.
forgetting the gift's price.


what do i do?
and where do i find comfort?

...questions i've always known the answer to.
yet still can't seem to answer.

because i'm too scared
and too tired
to attempt the swim
from my little, bobbing wooden plank
to that ship
again.


in the meantime,
i just feel like a soldier without a gun.
a beast without a beauty.
a farmer in a drought.
an athlete with a sprained ankle.

and a simple scream for help doesn't fix it.

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