preparation

as i struggle through a difficult week or two...

that is,
difficult in many ways:
school, work, God, life in general...
you get the idea.

as i struggle through a difficult week, i cannot help but think over and over about the future.
about my wife and my children especially.
(both of which i at least imagine having one day)

and i cannot help but think about how
good
i want to be for them.

about how i want to be a good leader, and a good lover, and a good example, and so on...

and as i struggle through a difficult week...
i see how i am not this man.

it drives me nuts.
it has been driving me nuts for the last many months really, but its times like this that it really comes out.

and don't misunderstand me...
i don't expect myself to be the perfect man.
well... at least i try not to expect that. :)

i realize that i need to focus on being faithful to God.
and faithful to them.
and that he will take care of the rest...

but
i desire to be as good as i can for them.
God will use me, no matter whether i am weak or strong.
but for his sake and theirs...
i want to be stronger.

not a man barely clinging to God, and holding them back.
but a man boldly leading them and loving them as best as God makes it possible.

see?

and as i struggle through a difficult week,
i cannot help but be frustrated by how
weak
and unprepared
i am.

how will i ever become that?


...i also know i should not dwell on the future.
two things are important:
now.
and eternity.

as i struggle through a difficult week,
like this,
how do i love and lead the people who are around me
now?

this is what is important...

i'm sorry i'm not doing a good job of this folks.
most of you don't even know it.
i apologize anyways.

i'm...
trying to try harder...

...well...
i'm in the middle of a lab report and it's already 3:30 in the morning. so i'm going to go back to it now.

i think that's all...
my head has been a mess..
so while this little glob of thoughts made sense for a few moments i had to get it out.
:)