hidden

presently, i'm awfully emotional.

i haven't figured out why yet.
heck, there might not even be a reason.

i think maybe i hide it.
but then again, maybe i'm not so transparent as i think.

i like to think i'm a person with nothing to hide.
but i'm reminded that's far from true.

which is sad.

i wish it were true.

though...
maybe i'm not hiding because i'm afraid...

maybe it's just because i don't know what i'm hiding.

or maybe it's just because it's not fair for other people to deal with it.

i think i want pity.
though i frown at myself for that.
why so selfish?

how can i know this or that SO well,
and not feel it in my heart?


i want to be completely open
for every part of me to be seen.
every secret.
every feeling.

though...
maybe i want it for a good reason for a second or two...
but then suddenly it's just because i want attention.


then...
i want to hide.
everything.
who i am, what i've done, how i feel.
all of it.

because...
if i'm going to be so selfish,
i'll just starve myself from attention.

but this doesn't work well,
and the desire to be cracked open doesn't leave.
i'm hungry for encouragement.

truth is, i think i don't have the slightest idea how to deal with a lot of things.
all i know how to do is bury them.

until i explode
and look for comfort in a thousand things
then find God when they fail me
then forget it all.

forget it.

i'm so good at forgetting.
especially the things that shouldn't be forgotten.


i am lonely.
but i won't let myself be held.

i want to cry to someone.
but nobody will come to me.

and i have a feeling that's not what i need anyways.

it's like starving yourself because all you have is junk food.


if any of that made sense to you, then i'm impressed. :)
if you think you put all the puzzle pieces together and it made something...
then you're either crazy. because that was straight out of an ADD heart.
or else you're a genious. you should grow up and be a psychologist and help me make sense of myself.

basically what all of this says is...
what in the world is going on?