girl power

sorry for the dry spell.
november was a busy month.
in rough ways.
and good ones. :)

its obnoxious being too busy to write.
though... sometimes it's because i choose to be i suppose.

and i did do plenty of thinking...
just never had the time to write it down.
or didn't feel like it at least.


a lot has changed...
i have a big thing or two to write about probably.


in the meantime i've thought of something i wanted to share...

this is mostly directed to the ladies.

god made you to be very powerful i think.
do you realize what you can do to a guy?

don't get me wrong...
men ought to be strong.
not swayed by a woman who leads him astray...

like adam for example.

and yet... look at him.
the serpent didn't go for him.
maybe the fruit looked good...
but he spent plenty of time in the garden without touching it before.

he listened to eve though.
she could convince him to take it.

that's a lot of power.

eve is a bad example of how to use it...
:)


but i DO think that it can be flipped around!

encourage us.
us men that is.

imagine if...
the serpent went for adam.
but eve showed up and turned his head. :)

i heard a funny term in a book i read about a year ago...
it described what it means to be a "godly flirt".
sounds ridiculous right? :)

because the way the world is, flirting is a pretty selfish thing.
it's... just for fun really.

but if you think about it...
there's nothing inherently wrong with it.

imagine using your femininity (that's a silly word)
to bring attention to God.
(rather than to yourself)

it looks very different than worldly flirting from some angles.
but it's the same basic idea.


guys:

this is the kind of girl you want.

when you're down, she cheers you up.
when you're tired, she encourages you to push on.
when you're being selfish, she snaps you out of it.
etc.

why?
because she loves God and you
and wants this for his sake and yours.

how does she do it?
in some sense, the same way a guy friend is there for you.
but if you look at it another way...
she's being the peaceful, beautiful, soft, loving, cute woman that God made her to be.


women:

will you hand us the fruit and say nice things about it?

or will you use everything God put in you to turn our focus and dependence where it ought to be?

you can really catch our attention sometimes.
and there's a lot of potential to use that to display godliness
and to encourage the same in us.


guys:

look for the kind of girl who uses everything in herself to [intentionally] help you keep your gaze where you want it to be.


does this make sense?
thoughts?
i feel like this is tough to explain,
[and maybe dangerous if taken the wrong way :(]
so tell me if you have comments or questions. :)

preparation

as i struggle through a difficult week or two...

that is,
difficult in many ways:
school, work, God, life in general...
you get the idea.

as i struggle through a difficult week, i cannot help but think over and over about the future.
about my wife and my children especially.
(both of which i at least imagine having one day)

and i cannot help but think about how
good
i want to be for them.

about how i want to be a good leader, and a good lover, and a good example, and so on...

and as i struggle through a difficult week...
i see how i am not this man.

it drives me nuts.
it has been driving me nuts for the last many months really, but its times like this that it really comes out.

and don't misunderstand me...
i don't expect myself to be the perfect man.
well... at least i try not to expect that. :)

i realize that i need to focus on being faithful to God.
and faithful to them.
and that he will take care of the rest...

but
i desire to be as good as i can for them.
God will use me, no matter whether i am weak or strong.
but for his sake and theirs...
i want to be stronger.

not a man barely clinging to God, and holding them back.
but a man boldly leading them and loving them as best as God makes it possible.

see?

and as i struggle through a difficult week,
i cannot help but be frustrated by how
weak
and unprepared
i am.

how will i ever become that?


...i also know i should not dwell on the future.
two things are important:
now.
and eternity.

as i struggle through a difficult week,
like this,
how do i love and lead the people who are around me
now?

this is what is important...

i'm sorry i'm not doing a good job of this folks.
most of you don't even know it.
i apologize anyways.

i'm...
trying to try harder...

...well...
i'm in the middle of a lab report and it's already 3:30 in the morning. so i'm going to go back to it now.

i think that's all...
my head has been a mess..
so while this little glob of thoughts made sense for a few moments i had to get it out.
:)

best friend

i wish my best friend were here...

hidden

presently, i'm awfully emotional.

i haven't figured out why yet.
heck, there might not even be a reason.

i think maybe i hide it.
but then again, maybe i'm not so transparent as i think.

i like to think i'm a person with nothing to hide.
but i'm reminded that's far from true.

which is sad.

i wish it were true.

though...
maybe i'm not hiding because i'm afraid...

maybe it's just because i don't know what i'm hiding.

or maybe it's just because it's not fair for other people to deal with it.

i think i want pity.
though i frown at myself for that.
why so selfish?

how can i know this or that SO well,
and not feel it in my heart?


i want to be completely open
for every part of me to be seen.
every secret.
every feeling.

though...
maybe i want it for a good reason for a second or two...
but then suddenly it's just because i want attention.


then...
i want to hide.
everything.
who i am, what i've done, how i feel.
all of it.

because...
if i'm going to be so selfish,
i'll just starve myself from attention.

but this doesn't work well,
and the desire to be cracked open doesn't leave.
i'm hungry for encouragement.

truth is, i think i don't have the slightest idea how to deal with a lot of things.
all i know how to do is bury them.

until i explode
and look for comfort in a thousand things
then find God when they fail me
then forget it all.

forget it.

i'm so good at forgetting.
especially the things that shouldn't be forgotten.


i am lonely.
but i won't let myself be held.

i want to cry to someone.
but nobody will come to me.

and i have a feeling that's not what i need anyways.

it's like starving yourself because all you have is junk food.


if any of that made sense to you, then i'm impressed. :)
if you think you put all the puzzle pieces together and it made something...
then you're either crazy. because that was straight out of an ADD heart.
or else you're a genious. you should grow up and be a psychologist and help me make sense of myself.

basically what all of this says is...
what in the world is going on?

time

i don't understand...
how are some people so good at it?

i have too many priorities
and not enough time.


and why the heck don't i know how to let myself rest and be comforted?


i'm always either completely selfish
or completely selfless.

:(
gag
sorry,
i'm tired :)

valley of the shadow

i need a quick break.

is this... the first all-nighter i've done in college?
really?

surely not... but i don't remember actually staying up ALL night before, and into the next day.
maybe i've just forgotten?

seems like i normally give myself at least an hour of sleep even at the worst...
what's going on with me?
(insert smile mixed with curious and serious, but not overly so, expression here)

anyways...
maybe i will get a bit of shuteye before it's over... still 3 hours before my test.

i'm not terribly efficient anymore.
the sad thing is i'm more efficient than i am in the middle of the day.

i think it's the pressure.
i need pressure to motivate me.

i think i'm not very self-motivated.
sure i am with some things...
but not most. not many.


erin bought c.s. lewis' space trilogy.
for some unknown reason it's a very unknown set of books he wrote.

i got to read the first one.
it was brilliant.

i can't say much about what it was about and what it meant on here in the event that erin or chelsea or someone else who will be made to read it sees this and i spoil the book.

i love the way he can detach you from religion,
and then challenge you to think about the way you think.

i wish i could always see myself,
and the world,
and God
from such a... pure point of view.
the way He sees it.
the way he created us to see it, i think.


hm...
i guess i'm not so much on the dark side of titan...
but more...
in a shadowed valley with the slow-rising sun blocked, just behind the mountains.


part of "only a shadow" by misty edwards

i know where i came from.
i know where i am going.

my Father, He is God,
and my Maker.
He is my Husband.
eternity is my home.

His name is written on my forehead
and my name is written on the palm of His hand.

He is mine, and i am His.
He is mine, and i am His.

so take my body if you please,
and try,
try and take all of me.

but my soul He keeps.
my soul He keeps.

though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
the Lord,

He is my Shepherd.
He is my Shepherd.

i am my Beloved's and He is mine.
rightly do i love Him, though i walk through the valley of the shadow.

happenings

hmm
haven't written much in a while.
and the last (two) were really just for fun.

on friday...

david, erin, chelsea, and i won a lottery thing and got cheap tickets to Wicked.
it was great. :)
i haven't been to anything theatrical in a while. it was nice.
and a very entertaining play. i like how it fits into Wizard of Oz.
and i like how friendship is the main theme. there aren't enough stories about friendship.

then i put in braveheart at 1am, planning on watching just the beginning.
but i guess i was too tired to get up and turn it off, because we watched the whole thing...

on saturday...

i went with athelia and adell to a park downtown. my church was doing this... homeless outreach thing of sorts. and stephanie was part of it- a bunch of artists were drawing in the sidewalks. i hadn't seen her in too long. it was nice. especially to hear about what she did this summer... i helped support her, but hadn't really heard any details about how it went yet. it makes me so happy to see how God used a bit of my money.

i so look forward to having a job which gives me plenty of money, so that i can do neat things with it.

since we were late getting out to/back from the park, i missed the first half of our football game. when we returned i took a little nap and watched the end of the game. we didn't win well... but we won. and now tech is (a) ranked! and (b) the highest ranked team in the acc! :) that's exciting.

then i reminisced over five iron frenzy for a while.
and had a grilled cheese for lunch. i love having my own frying pan. it makes such yummy grilled cheese sandwiches.

in the evening was a swing dance, which was wonderful!
i haven't been swing dancing in months now.
and there were a bunch of girls there that i knew.
i've decided it's more fun for me to dance with people i know. i'm comfortable with grabbing any random girl and dancing. but i thoroughly enjoy being ridiculous, and trying to figure out old moves, and making up silly new ones, and laughing a lot. and this is simply more doable with friends. dancing with the girls who had never been before was nice, because (a) i felt free to keep it simple if i wanted and (b) dancing with an unconfident person makes you feel more confident. :) and carol (a nearby PL) was a lot of fun to dance with too- our skill level was well matched.

demyan, carol, erin, and chelsea came over afterward and watched... some old black and white movie from the 30s. one of those... dancing guy loves a girl, singing in the rain type movies. not braveheart. but i was very pleased with a lot of the humor. :)

on sunday...

i did almost nothing except... take a shower, eat, journal, eat, and go to church.

today...

i am happy and satisfied.

a song we sang at church meant a lot to me. particularly the chorus (which i put at the end). i remember loving it, but haven't heard it in a while.

Satisfied

All my life long, I had thirsted
For a drink from some cool spring,
That I hoped would quench the burning
Of the thirst I felt within.

Feeding on the filth around me,
Till my strength was almost gone,
Longed my soul for something better,
Only still to hunger on.

Poor I was, and sought for riches,
Something that would satisfy,
But the dust I gathered round me
Only mocked my soul's sad cry.

Well of water, ever springing,
Bread of life so rich and free,
Untold wealth that never faileth,
My Redeemer is to me.

Hallelujah! He has found me
The One my soul so long has craved!
Jesus satisfies all my longings
Through His blood I now am saved.

my good friend erin

this is erin defending her honor

Athelia had stolen Joshua's glasses because they are arch-nemeses

and he turned to Rachel last night and asked her to sneak into the girls house and to retrieve his glasses back from Athelia's room. Rachel didn't seem very thrilled about this and asked Joshua why Chelsea and I couldn't get it for him.

Joshua paused for a moment...looked around at Chelsea and I (we were having a discussion with Kyle), and then whispered to Rachel that she was the only one capable.

Thinking nobody had heard his doubts about Chelsea and I, he went on like he hadn't said anything so cruel at all.


Well,
I had heard

and I felt stabbed at his lack of trust.
I mean, hadn't we been there for him?
Hadn't we taken his side over Athelia's?
Hadn't we proved ourselves?

apparently not.


So tonight at house dinner I saw Athelia. And still feeling incredibly hurt by Joshua I was now suddenly feeling a lot more loyal to Athelia, who trusted me. So I decided to warn her to be wary of spies to rescue her hostage.

When Joshua found out about what I had said I felt no remorse because he had already turned his back on me. and then he found grounds to blame ME for what had happened. And I admit I did behave a little bit childish but I was so hurt by his lack of turst.


....



So I left hurt and proud for bible study.

but the more I thought about it, I decided that I really must have hurt Joshua and even though he had hurt me. and I really didn't want him to be hurt. And so I decided our friendship was more important that this silly argument. So i asked Athelia for his glasses and I returned them very humbly and apologized.


For a while he was suspicious, and unmoving...but after a while he saw I was sincere and decided to accpet my peace offer.



I still have yet to receive an apology for the hurt he caused me

betrayal

tonight i was betrayed by erin.

it reminded me of a movie scene...

here's some pictures to jog your memory:































athelia is holding my glasses hostage.

i thought i could get them back...
but erin burned that bridge.

alas.

i was left with two options:
meet athelia's demands
or keep my honor.

it was tough...
but like william wallace,
i chose the second.

now i will go and mourn my loss...

broke

"Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer."
why's that so hard?

it's so difficult to have a soft heart
and be tough
at the same time.

stupid, silly things make me crumble inside and out.
but then i have to fight hard to crack open the door just a little bit to let in the things that are truly incredible.

i want to be a hero, and a warrior, and a friend, and a brother, and a man.
but i can't imagine how to get there.
and with every attempt i just get pushed back harder.

and every time i try to just
be.
and to allow God to make me become...
i end up thinking about myself and waiting for him to do everything.
forgetting the gift's price.


what do i do?
and where do i find comfort?

...questions i've always known the answer to.
yet still can't seem to answer.

because i'm too scared
and too tired
to attempt the swim
from my little, bobbing wooden plank
to that ship
again.


in the meantime,
i just feel like a soldier without a gun.
a beast without a beauty.
a farmer in a drought.
an athlete with a sprained ankle.

and a simple scream for help doesn't fix it.

Free

I am free to love.
Free
to be
and to become.
Though I may reach for the stars,
You have placed them at my elbows and feet.

Take joy my Father
in what you see.
Me!
Beauty.
Bravery. Boldness.
Because I'm not just anyone,
but I'm Your son!

You give me peace and rest when I have none.
Wonderful Peace.

Free.
So that You might be glorified in me.

light

and we will burn, the starless night,
the truth will ring through depths of twilight.
Liberty, our hearts ignite,
let hope still ring through depths of twilight.

through the dark our hearts will scream,
for a world we’ve only dreamed.
and the past, it will decay,
so sing goodbye to yesterday.

i refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight... i believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.
-MLK Jr.

internet

for the last couple days i wrote down everything i did.
and without continuing i can already see where my time goes...

besides things like sleeping and eating,
and besides classes and homework,
most of my time is split between doing things with people and wasting time on the computer.

in an effort to have more time for homework and people and sleep i'm going to internet fast again.

usually i get on rather innocently to check messages or blogs or something. i don't normally intend to waste time.
but looking at the last couple days... if i touch my computer i'll be on it for at least half an hour. checking a few quick things shouldn't take that long.

basically for this week i'm strictly touching my computer for email and homework purposes only.

i feel like this is going to stress me out... but last time i did it, i felt great afterwards.
so i think it will be good. :)

i've just seen a face

i've just seen a face,
i can't forget the time or place
where we just met.
you are just the one for me
and i want all the world to see
we've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm.

had it been another day
i might have looked the other way
and i'd have never been aware.
but as it is i'll dream of you
tonight, di-di-di-di'n'di.

falling, yes i am falling,
and you keep calling
me back again.

i have never known
the like of this, i've been alone.
and I have missed things
and kept out of sight
but no one else was never quite
like this, mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm.

falling, yes i am falling,
and you keep calling
me back again.

i've just seen a face,
i can't forget the time or place
where we just met.
you're just the one for me
and i want all the world to see
we've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-di'n'di.

oh, falling, yes i am falling,
and you keep calling
me back again.

questions

i really love friends.
especially the kind you can really talk to. and share secrets with. and laugh with. and depend on. and be encouraged by. and so on.


i saw someone else do this, and want to copy him...

ask me a question.
any question at all.
whether it's "what's your favorite color" or "what's your worst memory."
preferably not a yes/no question.
preferably one with a why or a how.
you're allowed more than one if you want.

and i'll answer it.
or try at least.
as long as i'm not breaking someone else's trust, basically.

hopefully it will be fun. :)

singleness anniversary

ha
of course.

i'd completely forgotten

how strange...
what is it about this day that he enjoys attacking me so much?

grr

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(romans 8:26)

sigh

today i was truly resting in god.
it was wondrous.
i was just walking back from class smiling.
people were probably wondering what i thought was so funny...

and then he showed me a glimpse of my future, i think.
the brief version of the story...

i've been thinking about spending a few months with this awesome ministry called eMi.
i found it one day in high school, when we were in the library doing research for something or other. and i've thought about it randomly from time to time since. a few weeks ago i sent an email asking for more information, and i've been waiting for them to get back to me...

then this morning i went to a lecture by the guy who founded engineers without borders, another awesome organization. it reminded me/got me pretty excited about how i can use my education in really cool ways.

then i got back to my room,
and while i was gone eMi responded to me.

i definitely plan on working with them.
the only question is when...


and i let that question bother me.
started worrying about it.

then i did some homework.
and got frustrated and stressed by tricky homework problems.

and forgot that god gives me peace.
forgot how he's taking care of me...
right
in front
of my eyes!
yet i still struggled to trust him instead of myself.


this isn't utter sadness. :)
i have hope.
it's not that big a deal.

i just couldn't help but let out a sigh at how ridiculous i can be.


he made the world a grassy road before our bare, wandering feet,
and crushed the stones into the softest sand between our toes.

but we're wondering where to sleep.

come quick, you light that knows no evening
come, alone to the alone!

rejoice, the cleansing of my lips
Rejoice, salvation of my soul!

but I still have a thousand half-loves well worth leaving for to take your madness home.

conundrum

this tags right along with what i was saying yesterday i suppose.

this one question has been eating at me for the last year i think...

see, so often i feel incapable of doing anything without passion.
because i have no reason to do it!
maybe that's a big exaggerated...
but how do you get yourself to do something without motivation?
that's what it boils down to.

on the other hand,
sometimes i think that passion comes after the fact.
how can you be passionate about something if you haven't tried it?

it's quite a problem
a riddle.
like a key locked in a safe.
cache 22.

faith and deeds
is what this comes down to i guess.

for it is by faith that i am saved, through grace.
and yet faith without works is dead.

peter walked on water by faith.

but if faith is by grace
we must accept grace before faith comes.
in a sense, grace is accepted before faith was there to spur on the accepting.

it's a conundrum.

really i think they come together.
in the same instance.
separate things.
but they come and exist and happen simultaneously.

but that's just theological jumble or something.
it doesn't mean much to me.

all i know
is that i wish i loved Jesus more.
but half the time i just don't really care enough to do something about it.

so do i just sit here and wait for faith? for my heart to be in it?
surely not...

so do i fight for it? try to follow, seek, obey before the faith, the passion comes?
how?!

that's the predicament i find myself in way too often...


Say the words and make them count,
Say them loud without a doubt.
Give us truth and nothing more,
Leave us wanting more and more.

waiting

bah
i'm tired of waiting...

waiting for passion
for heart

i feel like i've been that way forever
always at the mercy of my mood, my excitement
or lack thereof.

i can just never seem to follow through with something unless my heart is in it
and until it is...
i just have to
wait.

it's a rather frustrating spot to be in
because when a flicker of passion is there
you just come to see how helpless you are.
and otherwise...
things might not seem so bad
but it's only because you're numb.

i wish my heart broke more
i wish i could love more.

i wish i could wake up every day
and remember what it felt like to walk out of that cave.

i wish energy was never in short supply
never the limiting factor.

i wish i could be as selfless as want to be.

i wish i could still remember how to give my heart away.

waiting for an answer to a feeble, whispered, faithless prayer is hard.

soldier

...great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble...
"i wait for your salvation, o Lord, and i follow your commands..."

dry

honestly...
things have been pretty dry lately.

i dunno why

i wonder if it appears that way?

other people can bring me to life.
encourage me.
comfort me.
spur me on.

but alone...
alone i can look so dead sometimes,
from the way i see it.

i can feel so...
lazy.
things can seem so pointless.

and God feels like more of...
a thought,
a memory even.

i'm starving
but i have no appetite.

i hate it.

scars

so if you read this, then you probably already know about my recent injury

we were over at the wcf cookout the other night. then i was walking back to west campus with molly, chelsea, erin, and a new friend, colleen.
molly wanted to visit some other new friends who had pledged to a fraternity nearby. after circling around looking for the place we were finally on the right path...

sadly for me, that path led right to a pole. i guess i wasn't paying attention, because i never saw it coming. i was just turning and looking up to make a comment when
BOOM.

pole

there was a short moment of "ouch."
and a bit of dizzy.

and then lots of laughing.

then blood.

the girls were concerned.
with good reason perhaps.
[from this point until the "but seriously" i had a pair of guest authors: chelsea and erin. i made a few edits, and left some comments in brackets... but it's mostly their work.]

it was actually pretty bad...
i'm just being modest.
there was blood all over the side of my face and in my hair...
apparently i looked pretty awful.

i was still laughing like i was the coolest person ever [because i have the best embarrasing story ever] when in reality i was standing on the sidewalk outside of a bunch of frat houses with blood plastered [good word choice..] to my face.
needless to say i have some pretty cool friends and they (very wisely) went straight to one of the frat houses to get me some water and band aids and cleaning swabs.

they're so sweet. [:)]

anyways this part is actually kind of funny because all the frat boys were outside dressed up with flowers ready to serenade the sororities, so i had a bit of an audience while i was wiping my face off.

so we headed home instead of to a hospital (very stupid idea) [uh... too bad there's not a hospital to go to....]

chelsea [thinks she] saved erin from walking into another pole [except not].
then as we were passing another frat house, chelsea's nose spontaneously began to bleed, and the familiar sight of blood returned. she was clearly being repaid for saving erin from certain blood [what?]. again we ran to a frat house to get napkins. chelsea then joined me in the very distinguished blood crew.

anyways
i got back and paraded around my dorm sharing my story with residents.
it's a good conversation starter.

i should run into things more often...

so yeah

i figured it was just a little cut...
it wasn't until later in molly/colleen/erin's dorm (to get a brownie that my awesome friend erin saved for me) that we pulled back the band aid to have a better look at the cut. it was WAY deep and STILL bleeding hours later (by now we really should have gone the hospital) [that still doesn't exist] but we settled on fixing it with hydrogen peroxide/neosporin/another band-aid/water/bed.

except...
i actually stayed up til like 1...
because it's fun to tell people that you might have to get stitches for walking into a pole.

i finally got to the doctor the next day after my classes and he told me that in order to sew it up he would have to rip the cut back open first.
and i decided that sounded stupid.
basically i would be paying them to make me bleed more, take up my free time, and remove my awesome scar.

it's pretty neat actually, it's sort of in the shape of a Y over my eyebrow. i'm practically harry potter. i bet i'll be able to sense the pole's presence next time i walk by it.

by now it's not so bad, but I managed to get a sweet picture of my face covered in blood.


but seriously

i decided things in life go this way a lot.
for me at least.

it's easy to just laugh it off when you run into a pole.
to pretend like you're fine.
to get too busy to take care of the problem.

and then it turns out it's worse than you thought.
and covering it up with a band-aid,
and wiping off the blood,
and getting busy with other "more important" things
doesn't help.

it's kind of lame when you finally realize it's a problem.
but you can't do anything.

and the worst part is when you
FINALLY
get to the doctor...
but now the scar is already part of you.
and he has to open it again to fix it.

but you won't let him.

if you had gone at first,
he could have fixed it right up.
and you'd have been fine with that!

but now you waited to long.

you're okay with him helping you when you're hurt.
but not okay with him hurting you to help.

if only, if only...

dying

you're dying to live,
you're dying to know what love is.

and I'm dying to show you something more.

hilltop

hey guys

things have been pretty nuts lately

i moved back to school on sunday, august 3rd if you didn't hear.

i'm now a georgia tech peer leader (PL for short)
basically an RA
except exclusively for freshmen. and therefore our aim is not at all just to be the hall police, but rather to build a community. the main objective of the job is to help freshmen adjust to college and feel at home here.

we had training all last week. which was basically 12 hours a day minus meals and occasional down time between sessions. sometimes boring, sometimes exciting, sometimes useful. but anyways, its over now.
then on sunday we had a free/fun day.

of course up to this point, most free time has gone to preparing the hall and doing paperwork.

but it has been excellent!
PLs are generally pretty fun people i think. which makes sense because otherwise we would be less likely to be hired for the job.
and so becoming friends with these people i'll be working with has been an absolute joy.

there are 20 of us under our hall director, and most of them i can now call "friend."
they're all such beautiful people.
i just can't express how wonderful the time with them has been. :)

so that's exciting.

today was the first day that i could sleep in and do more rest/personal stuff than work in quite a while i feel.

it will be interesting to see how things balance out as the year starts.
this job that i have now is a big one. not in a bad way... it's perfect and i love it.
but it is big. between Navs, PLing, and school i think my plate will be very full...

i'll be learning a lot about managing time and priorities.
i'll be learning a lot about myself.
i'll be learning a lot about working with people.
i'll be learning how to come out of my introvert shell like never before.
i'll be learning how to show people love.
i'll have to learn how to depend on God more.

tomorrow the first small wave of freshmen move in. (a very small handful of band kids moved in today) and then starting thursday they'll be coming in droves. and of course that shoots right into school.

so this moment
now
is like being at the top of a hill in a wagon and getting ready for that one
tiny
push that will inch the wheels into motion.
into one crazy
scary
and exciting ride...

caving

last week i got to jump in as a leader on altaer's wilderness retreat. it was quite an opportunity i think. :)
certainly a lot of fun. and a perfect way to spend time with a few people i wanted to spend time with.
i actually didn't have to do very many official leader-like things. but over and over again i was reminded how most leading is done through the tiniest of actions and words.

anyways
we got to do some neat things. namely rappelling, rock climbing, hiking, swimming (in a random lake deep in the woods), caving, and rafting.


caving is by far one of the coolest things i've ever done.
i tried to describe it in my journal, but it was too hard.

it was the most foreign place i've ever been.
and you feel like an explorer. (even though we had a group of 20 and a guide)
because darkness is everywhere and with every step you were going further into this dark, hidden, mysterious place.
it was mysterious.

Bible verses about light (i.e. "you are the light of the world") really start to mean something...

maybe that paints a bit of a picture.
caving was very fun and very exciting. :)


however
my favorite part
was coming out of the cave. :)


























seems silly maybe. but you just can't understand unless you've done it. and understood it the way i did. trust me... this picture is just a visual aid. it doesn't begin to do the experience justice.

after 3 hours in a cave, you're quite used to the world of the cave.
your eyes are used to darkness- to little light.
and the grays and browns of rock begin to feel like the only colors you've ever seen.
the noise of other people and occasional rushing water start to seem like the only sounds you've ever heard.
the damp, dirt smell is the only thing you've ever smelled.
the cold air starts to feel normal.
big rocks and the cave wall are the only thing you touch.
uneven rocky ground or dirt is the only thing you walk over.

this is a bit exaggerated perhaps.
but you get the idea.
for the time we were in there, my mind was fixed on where i was. the cave was the only world i could see. it was the reality we found ourselves in. anything else was just a memory or a thought.

"They were a mass of bruises, and the wet sticky stuff on her face appeared to be blood. And such a mass of loose earth, shingle, and larger stones was piled up round her (and partly over her) that she couldn't get up. The darkness was so complete that it made no difference at all whether you had your eyes open or shut. There was no noise. And that was the very worst moment Jill had ever known in her life."

"Presently they were given food - flat, flabby cakes of some sort which had hardly any taste. And after that, they gradually fell asleep. But when they woke, everything was just the same; the gnomes still rowing, the ship still gliding on, still dead blackness ahead. How often they woke and slept and ate and slept again, none of them could ever remember. And the worst thing about it was that you began to feel as if you had always lived on that ship, in that darkness, and to wonder whether sun and blue skies and wind and birds had not been only a dream."

(both of those from Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis)

now,
as if that isn't hard enough to picture.
imagine coming out of it.

actually, on our way out, we stopped at the last point where no sunlight reaches and our guide told us to just stare down at our feet for the rest of the way out. and as we made it to the mouth of the cave he had us look up.

you just... can't imagine.

the world outside of the cave was overwhelming.
it was beautiful.

just one tree
was enough to blow your mind.

colors were more colorful.
green was more green than it had ever been.
the sky was bluer...

and bigger.
the sky was HUGE.
just the thought that you could see so far blew my mind.

and the realization that you're not... buried...
it reminds me of what one of the gnomes (who live underground) in Silver Chair... :)
"That was the worst thing the Witch did to us. We were going to be led out into the open - on to the outside of the world. They say there's no roof at all there; only a horrible great emptiness called the sky. And the diggings have gone so far that a few strokes of the pick would bring you out to it. I wouldn't dare go near them... You can't really like it - crawling about like flies on the top of the world!"
it was terrifying! but magnificent as well. (because i'm human and not a gnome i suppose)

and the smells!
i could smell plants.
the flowers especially. i could smell them before i even saw them. and when i did it was like the most marvelous, pleasant thing i'd ever smelled.

and we could see the sun up in the sky.
beautiful.
and perfectly made.
not so bright that it hurt your eyes...
but big enough, and bright enough, and powerful enough that EVERYTHING outside was lit up and visible.
the thought that this one light illuminated everything around me (and for thousands of miles around!) was just bizarre.

and that was the greatest mystery.
being able to SEE.
to just... look wherever you wanted and see something there.

for a while i just sat there on a rock and took it all in.


a stream sort of ran into the mouth of the cave, and eventually our guide started walking up it. and we followed him to another beautiful scene...

after a minute we came to an opening...
there was a beautiful waterfall pouring down from the top of a little cliff
and the rest of our group was there waiting for us.

i wish someone had taken a picture of us when we came out. :)
because we must have looked like a mess.
most of us were covered in mud from playing around in the cave.
we were like an awkward, raggedy, tired, slightly disoriented group of gnomes. :)
strangers in the outside word.
we must have looked unfit to be where we were- surrounded by trees and sky and light.

and if there wasn't enough beauty in creation itself...
how much more that the first thing we did upon coming into it, was to head straight for this magnificent waterfall and pool to wash ourselves clean!
and on top of this, to join our friends! our brothers and sisters.

people were running around, laughing, smiling, jumping in the water.
and washing themselves off. cleaning the mud off of themselves and out of clothes. changing into new clothes.


can you see it?

we wandered around for a while in a black cave. in darkness. while inside we even talked about how screwed we'd be if our batteries all died suddenly.

but thank God, we did have lights (if only small ones). and we had a guide leading us through.

it was exciting in the cave. it was a great experience. hard for some and easy for others.

but i think all would agree, it's good that in the end we were lead out. back home. the cave was cool, but the outside is just... crazy.
if you can stop taking it for granted.

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." (Colossians 1:13-14)


the sweet thing is that some of us have "left the cave."

of course, our part-time job for now is to go back in...
"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?" (Matthew 18:12)





























"If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our bodies. If they will perish let them perish with our arms about their knees. Let no one GO there unwarned and unprayed for."
Charles Spurgeon

(note: the pictures aren't mine, i just found them online)

the dark knight

holy COW

the new batman movie is incredible!
it's one of the best movies i've ever seen...

...for lots of reasons
though for now i'd like to talk about the depth and meaning and symbolism that i saw in it.
some at least... it was impossible to soak it all in.
(i'm pretty sure i wrote this in a way that doesn't spoil anything, so no worries)


a major theme is chaos

what do you do when the plan falls apart?
when nothing makes sense?
when you're lost?
when you're hopeless or afraid or desperate?
when you're being attacked or hurt or threatened?

the 'good guys' have a hope
they believe dawn is coming.
and this is what they cling to.

but they definitely find out that the night is darkest before dawn.
and that enduring through the chaos isn't easy.
especially when they realize that enduring sometimes means letting go of the things most precious to them.

the truth is...
chaos will take from you.

and we are all left with a choice.
you can either remember the hope you had in the beginning
and endure.
or you can let it take you as well.

you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. for you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. when Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. (Colossians 3:2-4)

"all along-
thought I was learning how to take
how to bend not how to break
how to live not how to cry
but really
i've been learning how to die"


metaphorically speaking:
gothams will always need batmen:
heros who die [to self].

if you go too long without dieing...
your second face will show.

the blogger's prayer

wow
this is wonderfully hilarious :)

The Blogger's Prayer

Our Father
who lives above and beyond the blogosphere

Give us this day a life worth blogging,
The access to words and images that express our journey with passion and integrity,
And a secure connection to publish your daily mercies.

Your Kingdom come into new spaces today,
As we make known your mysteries,
Posting by posting,
Blog by blog.

Give this day,
The same ability to those less privileged,
Whose lives speak louder than ours,
Whose sacrifice is greater,
Whose stories will last longer.

Forgive us our sins,
For blog-rolling strangers and pretending they are friends,
For counting unique visitors but not noticing unique people,
For delighting in the thousands of hits but ignoring the one who returns,
For luring viewers but sending them away empty handed,
For updating daily but repenting weekly.

As we forgive those who trespass on our sites to appropriate our thoughts without reference,
Our images without approval,
Our ideas without linking back to us.

Lead us not into the temptation to sell out our readership,
To see people as links and not as lives,
To make our blogs look better than our actual story.

But deliver us from the evil of pimping ourselves instead of pointing to you,
From turning our guests into consumers of someone else’s products,
From infatuation over the toys of technology,
From fame before our time is right.

For Yours is the power to guide the destinies behind the web logs,
To bring hurting people into the sanctuaries of our sites,
To give us the stickiness to follow you, no matter who is watching or reading.

Yours is the glory that makes people second look our sites and our lives,
Yours is the authority above all authorities
Yours is the ranking above all rankings

For ever and ever,

Amen

thanks to this dude:
http://marcsmessages.typepad.com/

refreshment

some part of me has been rather dry lately...
uninspired

why?

who knows.

i'm slowly feeling more refreshed i think
and confident that the work here will be carried on to completion.

anyways
i adore Jon Foreman songs right now.

it's interesting how songs taken straight from the bible are particularly meaningful to me.

some of my favorite bits...


both of our hands
are equally skilled
at doing evil
equally skilled
at bribing the judges
equally skilled
at perverting justice
both of our hands

and both of his hands
are equally skilled
at ruining evil
equally skilled
at judging the judges
equally skilled
administring justice
both of his hands


would you create in me a clean heart, oh God
restore in me the joy of my salvation
wash me white as snow
and i will be made whole


this cross, my love, is mine, my love
to bear, my love, to die, my love
this cup, my love, this bread, my love
my life, my love, is yours, my love
come drink, my love, my blood, my love
my life, my love, in death, my love
my God, my love, my life, my love
is yours, my love, my bride, my love


all along-
thought I was learning how to take
how to bend not how to break
how to live not how to cry
but really
i've been learning how to die


baptize my mind
baptize my eyes
baptize my mind
for a seed to give birth to life
first it must die


i look at the meadow
and stare at the flowers
better dressed than any girl
on her wedding day

the kingdom of the heavens
is buried treasure.
will you sell yourself
to buy the one you've found?

two things you told me
that you are strong
and you love me

(that whole song- you're love is strong- is entirely superb)

30 hour days

xkcd's comic for the day
it made me think of myself

it doesn't matter what time i have to wake up- every day i feel like going to bed at a later time than the day before.
this goes on until the weekend where i can compensate by just waking up later. then i gather my resolve to go to bed on time and start the next week...

too bad days aren't 30 hours long... i think that would work well for me :)

Gott tut's!

do you like the header i made?
(you can only see it in blogspot of course)
cause i think it's rather spiffy :)

anyways, down to business...
this'll be long...

so i'm back from germany now
though i think it'll take a while before i'm completely back.
there's a lot of unpacking and organizing to do still
and people to see
and people to call
and things to take care of that popped up while i was gone
and letters to write to supporters
and lots of thoughts and memories to digest
and so on...
which all has to fit inside of day to day life. :)

but for now i'm at work with not much to do...
so i'll summarize the trip for now
and hopefully get to things learned and whatnot by the end.


the plane ride there was an adventure...
(i flew to Paris and then to Hamburg)
for one, because i was alone. never traveled alone very far before. never on a plane. and never to foreign countries!
also, in Atlanta they only gave me one boarding pass and said it would work for both planes, which makes no sense... but i just accepted it.
well when i landed in Paris (disappointed that none of its famous landmarks were visible from the plane window) i had to move as fast as possible to get to my connecting flight. it felt like the Atlanta airport, but with no effective transit between concourses.
and then there was also a bit of trouble with no boarding pass of course, but it worked out.

to no surprise, when i got to hamburg i learned that my bag had been left in Paris. as fast as i had to move to get to my 2nd plane, i would have been blown away if it had made it as well. :)

and then there was a few minutes of panic as i went outside and there was nobody there to pick me up...
they were just running a bit late thankfully. :)

after a few hours in a bus...
Kiel!


Kiel has a population of about 250,000 and is on the baltic sea about 50 miles from denmark.
in the next week or so about 3.5 million people came through the city for the annual "Kieler Woche" (Kiel week)
Kieler Woche is part sailing competition and part summer festival.
we never actually got around to seeing any of the competition; it took place a few miles north, up the coast.

the first two days we pretty much spent getting to know each other, preparing for the next week, and learning.

our team was awesome!
all different ages... mostly college students and adults.
there was a church group from ohio (whose pastor was english),
a few other random folks from arizona, florida, and atlanta,
two guys from northern ireland,
a finnish couple,
a handful from brazil,
a south african,
and germans from all over their country.
about 40 in all- half americans.

i love my new friends. :)


the training was incredibly helpful...
they did a great job teaching us about german culture...
about the general view of religion, the way people would react to us, and so on.

i had thought most germans considered themselves christians (even if they weren't really)
but if that's true... then these cultural christians avoided us at all costs.
i met very few people who called themselves christians. and of those maybe just 1 or 2 weren't legit.
they're becoming less and less afraid to come outright and say what they believe- that they don't buy into Jesus- i think.

most were either atheist or... postmodern (all religions are the same)

poor germans :(
i think they're rather decieved by their culture.
because they so rarely had a thought out reason to believe what they did.
culture says there is no God- and you could they ate it up without questioning.

then there's the primary rule of german culture- beliefs/religion are a personal matter.
they don't like to talk about beliefs- it's none of your business.

and i felt like that reinforces the postmodern culture...
if they refuse to believe there is no God, this one tries to catch them saying... okay, there is a God, but getting to him is a personal thing for you to do your own way.

of the 250,000 people who live in Kiel, the christians estimate (optimistically) that perhaps around 2000 go to a church once a week where they can hear the gospel.
less than 1%.
:(
(thankfully the good churches do a good job working together i think)

the thing is, germany is a lot like the states.
except worse. (perhaps like the north...)
they're very friendly people... :)
but you can't preach to them.
it's not like most countries we've been to on mission trips, where you can gather a bunch of people around, perform a drama, and talk about God.
people won't give you the time.
and [they think] they've heard it all before.

we described it this way...
you can't be a paperboy- zooming past people, throwing the news onto their doorstep.
you have to be bridge builders, connection makers, conversation starters, listeners.


so our mission was...
first to trigger conversations. simply by being present, and sometimes putting a question out there- something to make people think and perhaps react.

we all got shirts to wear throughout the week...
they're bright blue and say "Gott tut's!" on the front and back. It's tough to translate, but it literally means "God does it!" or "God is doing it!"
it's not a typical religious phrase in german, and it doesn't really make complete sense out of context.
our team and lots of the christians in the city wore them all week, and so many conversations were started just because people wanted to know what we were there for, or what the shirt meant.

another tactic was to do nice things for people
like offer to walk umbrella-less people around when it rained. :)

and yet another was to go into the middle of the festivities with signs...
like we had one hanging from a ladder that said "how do you get to heaven?"
and another which said "i only believe what my right neighbor believes"- a number of people would all stand in a line and each hold one (basically to show how silly it is to not think for yourself)
we made all sorts of signs...
we made heads turn like crazy
and we got every sort of reaction... laughs, frowns, smiles...
and sometimes a conversation. :)

also, some of us tried out using a survey- asking a few friendly questions about the festival and finally asking what they thought about "Gott tut's!"
it was tough to get people to do it i think, but it helped to play the american card- they're a bit more open to talk about beliefs with foreigners.

anyways,
that's what we were up against.
and that's what we did.


on a typical day i got up around 9, had a shower and quick breakfast, and then walked 10-15 minutes to the church we were using as home base.
we started off each day with some songs, a devotion/teaching time, prayer, and storytelling about the day before.
after lunch we grabbed got into groups, grabbed some signs/bibles/materials, and went down to the festival.
we'd come back for dinner at 6 and then go out once more for a few hours.
then went home and spent a bit of time with my host.
it was usually midnight by the time i made it to bed each night.

we all had hosts to stay with...
i was in a little apartment with a 30something single guy, Torsten, who was pretty cool.
he was incredibly hospitable...
bought me different yummy german breads for breakfast each day, let me use his computer whenever i wanted, and other nice things. :)


one morning we got up and he took me an hour south to an old city named Lübeck. it's on an island in the middle of the river and was a major trading city back in the middle ages. there were only 4 big bridges/gates into the city, which you can still see (one had a museum in it), and beautiful old churches and buildings. on the way back we drove past the sea and he treated me to a crazy awesome fish feast. i think that one meal doubled how many different kinds of fish i've eaten before. and possibly the amount as well... it was crazy delicious. :)

other out of the ordinary things...

the soccer games. :)
germany played in the quarterfinals and semifinals of the eurocup while i was there.
goodness gosh...
they get excited about soccer. particularly when they win.
seriously
think of the biggest sporting event you've ever been to, and imagine the home team won. think of all the people outside the stadium.
imagine that most of them don't really have somewhere to be- they're not rushing to get to their car to beat the traffic. they're pretty patient and relaxed. waving flags, honking car horns, cheering...
now imagine it's like that throughout the city, not just next to the stadium.
and now imagine that the stadium is actually hundreds of miles away in another country. but even still, this city is going crazy. along with every other city in the country!
it was nuts.

there was a little sailing boat at the festival named Elida that was working with the churches. each night one of the churches' band would play on the ship.
so we joined them there on two evenings. the church group from ohio had come prepared to perform the lifehouse skit! how cool is that? :) (this should be it, if you haven't seen)
so they did they would do that along the walkway and otherwise we'd talk to people that stopped by the boat/to see the drama.

on the first sunday we were there, the "evangelic alliance" (all the legit churches) had a big service planned. it was supposed to be in a park, but the threat of rain pushed it inside. basically it was about pushing the "Gott tut's!" action among the people there. we let them know about what we're doing, and how they can join. and a few of their pastors preached and told them to help us!
it was also fun because we got to sing worship songs in german. :)

one night i and the finns went to this one guy's bible study.
more singing in german.
and he asked us to talk to the guys there about what we were doing in germany. and we shared with them our testimonies. and i got to encourage them a little bit i think, from a few thoughts and an old sermon i heard.
that was a neat time.


this brings me to another huge goal of ours-
to encourage the church in Kiel.

i had thought about this before going a little, but after being there for a few days i realized that this is the biggest reason that we were there.
and it was probably my favorite part too...
i loved spending time with them, hearing their stories, and encouraging them.

we were only there for 2 weeks.
and while we might have played a huge role in the lives of some random people,
it's the home church that will bring about change in the long term.
especially in a society where time and relationships are particularly vital for real change.

so it really was a blessing to see them encouraged by us.
for them to see people give up a lot and come from around the world to help them for 2 short weeks.
hopefully for them (just as for us back home!) evangelism will become each day more of a lifestyle than an event.


so i guess that pretty much covers what happened...
now for the things i learned...

i learned a lot about germany...
what the culture is like- particularly in the north- and how to bring the gospel to it.
that a 16 year old drinking age is the dumbest idea ever. (alcohol was quite a problem)
that it's nice to walk and bike places instead of having to drive.
that eating different kinds of bread from a real bakery is nice.
and so on.

i learned that i can have a conversation in german. :)
it takes me a bit to get warmed up i think. and at this point talking too much german wears me out.
but i know i can use it, and i don't doubt that i'm capable of getting better!
most germans can speak english...
but they're not all exactly experts at it. they're german. they speak german with each other.
a few times, in the bible study for example, i was around all german speakers. so it was nice for them that they didn't to translate for me. :)
i got pretty good at understanding... mostly need to work on speaking.
(though i think i'm bad enough at forming sentences in english :))

i believe God will send me back.
for a longer period of time.
though i'm not sure how long. or when. or where...
but i don't need to know these things yet. :)
i was pretty surprised when he answered this question very clearly in the first couple days there.
i just kept getting the feeling the whole time that i was learning and practicing. that the things we were doing were incredibly important of course...
but also that, personally, i was being prepared for something bigger.

and i learned that spiritual warfare is going on even here at home like crazy!
i feel that, on previous mission trips, satan's opposition has always been at least a little bit more evident and visible than at home.
well... i guess i expected germany to be that way too... but it wasn't.
on the contrary... it was just like home!
when my alarm went off in the mornings i wanted to keep sleeping. i would get tired in the middle of the day and feel like sleeping instead of praying. i would get impatient with people. and so on.
like i said... on the trips i've done before it was like i was ready for these, and could see them coming and happening.
but in germany it took me a while ever time to realize what was happening!
... just like home....
i guess i've decided that satan's biggest tactic here in the states (and similar places) is to make us ignorant of his existence and activity.


those are the biggest things...

if you've read this whole thing, then congratulations. :)
please ask me about it still if you see me... there's plenty of details and stories to tell!
Perhaps when you do, you could ask a more detailed question to help me out. :)

anyways
make sure you see the pictures on facebook :)

Auf Wiedersehen!

deutschland

i´m in germany!!!
like... i´m typing this on a german computer!

i´ll talk about it all when i get back of course, so nothing for now...
just wanted to let you know i´m alive and well and happy. :)

well okay...
the main reason was that i wanted to be able to say i´ve blogged from germany.

crap...
silly me.
now i´ve been thinking in english and have to switch back...

apollo 8

i'm leaving for germany tomorrow.
i'm not prepared, but i've never been more ready.
see you when i get back.

i need to watch "planet earth."

the last two nights my dad and i have been watching a discovery channel series called "when we left earth."
it's awesome.

you can't really convey with words how crazy it is that we sent people up there.

and beyond that,
how astonishing the universe is.

maybe it's just me...
but i have to say the best part
wasn't the first spaceship sent up
or the first man on the moon
or anything like that.

the most captivating moment
was this picture (or what the picture is of rather)
and the response of the men who saw it.

















listen to what they had to say about this...

(how frustrating! that it usually takes something like going to the moon and seeing this for the first time to stun us and draw out this response...)

narwhal

NO FREAKING WAY!!
why have i never been told about this??!?!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narwhal

(anyone else thinking this...?)

random things

i haven't gotten enough sleep lately.
i never feel like going to bed before midnight. i have to force myself to. even when i wake up as gosh darn early as i have to. :)
and being sleepy when you need to be working is wretched.

i was at the hove's on saturday night. played monopoly and ocarina of time.
watched the end of x-men 2 on sunday night.
and watched gladiator last night.

gladiator is a good one.

for one, it's a good ending to silence of adam.
though i guess i'm a bit funny right now, because it didn't have the emotional effect i would normally expect.

it's a movie with lots of action
but also wonderful depth and meaning.

and no sex!
not one scene
how incredible is that?!


on the topic of sex...
i've been listening to old xxxchurch podcasts the last two days while working.
they're rather entertaining.
often very interesting as well.
hmm... and a number of other good things.

i heard about this guy named...
jason harwell.
he has a song called "flowers" that's absolutely beautiful...
(xxxchurch plays the whole thing at 10:30 into podcast #63 [hahaha... of all the podcasts... if you listen to the whole thing and it's your first picture of xxxchurch prepare to be... a little weirded out? {in fact prepare to feel uncomfortable even if you do know what Craig and JR are about- for a minute or two at least}])

woohoo!
i got promoted
sort of...
i think.
my boss came and said he wanted to kick things up a bit.
most of what i do is make corrections and revisions on drawings. they give me a drawing with things that need to be changed marked in red, and i change it the way they want on the computer.
i'm not sure exactly what he's thinking... but it sounds like i'll get to do stuff that involves more thinking.
which is a good thing. :)

a good thing to do is write prayers down in journals, but instead of just using all the space for yourself... just write... a little bit. one thought, instead of a whole page long string of them. and then pause. and listen. and use a different color to write down what you think God has to say back. and have a conversation.

this has been one of those weird posts that i've been slowly adding to all day long.
the timestamp says 9 o'clock, but it's 3:30 now.
and i suppose there's not anything particularly meaningful.
but maybe you enjoyed it. :)

anyways
i need to finish drawing a concrete foundation before i leave

auf wiedersehen

fear

been rereading The Silence of Adam.

the gist...

"He's been building that boat for seven years that I know of. The blocks rotted out and he made concrete blocks. Every time he gets it nearly finished he changes it and starts over again. I think he's nuts. Seven years on a boat."

Doc was sitting on the ground pulling off his rubber boots. "You don't understand," he said gently. "Henri loves boats but he's afraid of the ocean."

"What's he want a boat for then?" Hazel demanded.

"He likes boats," said Doc. "But suppose he finishes his boat. Once it's finished people will say, 'Why don't you put it in the water?' Then if he puts it in the water, he'll have to go out in it, and he hates the water. So you see, he never finishes the boat--so he doesn't ever have to launch it."

Cannery Row
John Steinbeck

a link to the office - part 3

so
i had just gone into the restroom the other day when the lights flickered and went out.
it's a good thing i had my cell phone... it was pretty dark.
turns out it wasn't just the bathroom lights.
a few of the hallway lights and desk lamps worked.
but most lights, the computers, the AC were gone. for about 10 minutes most people were just sitting around talking because there's not terribly much engineering work to be done without computers nowadays.
then the fire alarm went off. so everyone in the 9 story office had to pour outside through the stairs, which of course didn't have emergency lights in them... (none that worked at least.)

it was hot. and we didn't know if it would even be fixed. and we only had about another hour left for the day anyways. so we left and went home.

didn't come in yesterday either. turns out they didn't get the power fixed until 1 something in the afternoon.

the day off was nice. got a bunch of random stuff done that i've been pushing off. and beat x-men legends with Jake and Reece. and read part of one of my favorite books, the Silence of Adam, which i've been rereading this week. (more on that tomorrow perhaps, when i finish it)

but back now. :)
sounds ridiculous, right?

okay okay...
i'll tell you what really happened...


so i found a new guy here on the 8th level of the dungeon who gave me a special sheet of paper and told me to give it to someone else on the 7th floor. and when i did, he told me to return to the 8th floor, where i would find a switch. stepped on it [doo daa doo doo dee dee doo!] and enemies began to pour out! of course because i was unarmed all i could do was flee...

i accidentally ended up missing the correct passageway and ended up on the 6th floor. but to my good fortune, there turned out to be some sort of armory there! there were 3 different colored weapons: black, blue, and red. i could only assume black is normal (but stronger), while the other two have ice and fire properties. so i took them all [da dee daa dee daaaaaaa!].

anyways, i returned and began to fight the monsters that had appeared. at first there were literally hundreds of them! however they were quite easy to defeat. it was simply a matter of attacking them all with my... ice rod first. this froze them and enabled me to handle them one at a time. i then would slash a few times with the sword and use my fire rod to destroy each of them.

as their numbers thinned i figured it would become easier. but i soon discovered that the last of the beasts were usually much more difficult. some of them could camouflage themselves to blend into the background until i froze them. they took more strikes with the sword than the first ones and often a little bit of magic.

the battle was moving along fine, but i decided to retreat and stock up in case a mini-boss should pop up after i eliminated the monsters. i had just stumbled into a room that appeared to be a fairy fountain... but suddenly the lights in the room died. it was fortunate i had purchased a candle recently, as i needed it to navigate out of the cave. when i emerged, i decided the only thing to do was first finish defeating the monsters from before. however, the entire dungeon was darker than before and the temperature seemed to be quickly rising as well...

but before i could continue my battle, there was a sudden loud noise. the natives of this dungeon (who seem to be cousins of the gorons, judging by the way they yawn,... though with an exceptionally higher intelligence.) were all suddenly hurrying to leave. i learned that this had happened before. from the darkening of the lights, rising heat level, and loud screaming noises i can only guess that some great evil lurks inside this place (a dragon perhaps?).
but of course there is. who's ever heard of a dungeon with no boss???

but where is he? and the key to his lair?
i need to find that compass...

after exiting, i decided to leave once again to reengerize and restock. (i was particularly low on magic) and now, after hearing from the natives that the dungeon had returned to normal, i have returned...

response to failure

i've never paid much attention to the end of the Bathsheba ordeal. (2 Samuel 12)
you hear about the big time David screwed up,
and how Nathan came and pointed it out,
and perhaps how it caused a lot of problems.

but it sort of has a good ending.
certainly one to learn from.

first he confesses his sin.
brings it out. admits guilt.
this is where we have to start.

then spends time grieving the outcome.
taking it in, and asking for mercy and forgiveness.
we have to understand the weight of what we've done, i think.

and once that's over
it's over
David surprises his servants by suddenly acting normal again out of nowhere.
when God has made up his mind, when the punishment is set and when his love is poured out...
that's it.
it's finished.

time to move on.
how does he do this?
he got up from the ground.
he washed off and changed clothes.
he went to the house of the Lord (into God's presence) and worshipped.
then he went home and ate.

first he stopped asking for mercy and apologizing.
then took off his old self, got himself clean, and put on something new.
then went back to God... to worship! (that is the hardest part for me i think)

first he dealt with God.
then, he does a few more things....

like i said before,
he went home and ate.
he jumped right back into every day life.

also, it says that he comforted Bathsheba (now his wife).
his sin had seriously affected her.
he couldn't do things over. he couldn't bring back her husband or her son.
but
he could appologize and comfort her and love her.

finally, he went off to war.
remember that this is where he was supposed to be in the first place.
God had given him a mission, a purpose.
he had screwed this up before.
i think he sinned before he ever set eyes on Bathsheba! simply because he failed to make his God-given vision the highest priority.
he wasn't going to make that mistake again.
he marched back out to the battle.

and he was victorious.

proverbs 30:4

last weekend our family went to florida.
we spent a day at universal studios and two days at the main disney parks.
on the last day before coming home we dropped by downtown disney for a bit and made a side trip to st. augustine.

when we first got to the beach i read one of my bible passages for the day.
i realized i was reading through it without really taking in what it was saying, so i had to go back and start over.

i was reminded how slow and feebleminded i can be. :)
sometimes it takes a minute to realize you're being spoken to.

a link to the office - part 2

i am now back from my sidequest to florida...
(i'll say more about that in the next day or two i think)

and have once again returned to conquer this dungeon.

i was able to purchase a sword in florida,
but the evil magic of this place prevents me from equipping it here.

i spend most of my time on the 8th floor.
it's accessible, unlike the others.
however the only door that gets you anywhere of importance has a special lock.
5 switches must be pressed in the proper order to open it.
thankfully i learned the correct sequence from a man on the 7th floor of the dungeon.

i finally obtained a dungeon map.
however there's no sign of a compass. or a boss key. and the symmetry of this dungeon makes it difficult to even guess where the boss may be.

i'll have to keep exploring.

though i believe i'll have to briefly return to the overworld before long to restock on potions and the like.

i played my windows media player today and found that a number of songs seem to speed up time.
i wish one would teleport me to other floors... it gets rather tedious walking back and forth.

i did hear from an old man today, that a new room will be opened tomorrow, providing that i collect a number of "drawings."
but it's rather complicated. a number of switches on the 8th floor have to be pressed for them to appear on the 7th (and a few on the 6th i suspect), and then of course i have to find, obtain, and bring them back here.

oh
and i think i will be able to obtain a ton of rupees tomorrow!
that will be helpful

at least there is still no sign of monsters...
(though the guy who looks like he came straight out of the 70s is a little suspicious...)

:)

a link to the office

to get on some floors of our office you need a badge to unlock the door

the lock next to the door has a little red light on it, and when you hold up your badge it turns green and unlocks.
then about 10 seconds later it turns red again and makes a loud locking noise.

it reminds me very much of zelda, when you step on a switch and get through the door before it locks back. too bad there's no ticking noise.

to make it better, when i go through this particular door, i'm generally headed for the plotter room. to pick up a drawing.
which can look very much like a map.

too bad i don't have a sword
and there's no moblins.

then again... maybe that's my fault
because i haven't found it yet...
and i bet when i do, enemies will suddenly appear on all sides.

maybe i need to start kicking these filing cabinets open...

talking

i was just thinking about hanging out with people...

it's so troublesome!

i mean... you always have to DO things.
like eat
watch a movie
shop
get coffee
go to sport events
play a video game

you know what i mean?

am i the only one who gets tired of this?

don't get me wrong...
tonight i'm hopefully going to watch Narnia with people,
and i'm looking forward to it.

(anyone want to come over one afternoon/evening a week or two from now and watch Hook?!)

but to me
DOING things
gets pretty old pretty quickly.

it's the people that i'm interested in
not the things i do with them.

and often the DOING
distracts you from the person.


the reason all this was on my mind is because i started thinking about car rides.
i suppose because of riding to sharptop last weekend. and because my family's driving down to florida this weekend. but anyways

car rides are fantastic.
i decided they're probably one of the best ways to get to know a person.
the place where some of the best conversations happen.

you're just sitting there
strapped in
facing the same direction.

now sometimes you're worn out and need to sleep.
sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts.
and sometimes you really just want to listen to your own music.

but if you're going to interact with each other
basically all you can do is talk or listen to music together.
both of which are great.

you get to know them,
get to know yourself,
make the time memorable.

maybe you feel the same way :)


only problem
is that it's rather expensive to spend hours driving just as an excuse to hang out. :)

so
here's what it boils down to...

whoever you are,
if you ever want to...
go walking...
or even just come over to my house
and stare at the wall while we talk...
then please let me know.

there's possibly nothing i'd like more to do.

dancing on ashes

bah
i still haven't caught up on rest.
how come i always seem to get more energy and stay up later when i plan a specific bedtime?!

i was at sharptop cove doing work crew this weekend, as you most likely know.
and it was a blast.
it was nice to be with my dear friends.
nice to encourage and laugh with and laugh at them. :)
nice to smile and laugh about memories.

and also nice to make new ones.
i think there are some great new memories to laugh and smile about now. :)

wonderful


anyways,
the main point of me writing this is to share with you something that God reminded me of on saturday...

this weekend i spent some of my free time walking around the camp with Josh and Jason, and at one point we ended up watching a young boy do the quantum leap.
i think the quantum leap is one of the coolest things they have there. :)
it's basically a quiet spot back in the woods where they've got a wooden pole sticking out of the ground. a telephone pole basically. with metal rungs on the sides spaced out about every 4 feet so that you can climb up. you try to climb to the top (where there is a little one square foot platform) and stand up. hanging from a tree a little ways out is a bell, which you try to jump off and ring.
of course you're harnessed in, so that it's safe and you don't fall to your death after ringing the bell. :) there's a trained person on the ground who has you by a rope that goes through a number of pulleys. they could probably pull most people to the top if they wanted to.

so
like i said, we got there just as a young elementary school aged boy was harnessed in. we were pretty surprised when he made it all the way to the top! the rope guy had to help him out some because he was almost too short to even reach the next rung sometimes, but he made it and was sitting down on top.
i guess he didn't realize how high he was until he got there, because he suddenly froze up. his father and everyone watching was trying to encourage him to turn to face the bell and stand up. but he was too afraid of falling.

after about 5 or 10 minutes he decided that he wanted to come down, which there's no shame in doing. especially at this kids age. a lot of kids freak out at the top, and understandably so. standing on top of a telephone pole doesn't feel like a very secure place, even if you're being held up by a rope. it's a healthy fear.

but
the way to get down
is to jump off.
to let go.
and the rope dude slowly lowers you to the ground.
this is how the quantum leap is designed to work.

little kid had a different plan though.
he didn't feel safe doing that.
part of the time he just wanted to hang tight and not move...

and he wanted to climb down.
which he could do i suppose.
but it wouldn't be easy.
it would probably hurt a little.
it would take a lot longer.
he could end up getting hurt a little, because it's hard to keep tension in the rope if the person's headed down.
and he would miss the fun of slowly swinging to the ground!

at first, everyone was encouraging him to do it the right way. the good way. the easy way.
they told him why his way wasn't good.
but he refused to listen.
he was a child.
he couldn't understand that their plan was better and safer than his in every way.
he needed to put faith in what his father was saying to him.
but he wouldn't.

they realized that he couldn't be reasoned with before long, and let him try to do things his way. i guess the most important thing was that he got down safely, and if he wouldn't do it the right way, they didn't have another option.

well
after quite some time
after a lot of effort and little improvement
after a lot of crying and fear
he eventually decided to
let go.

you should have seen the smile on his face when he 'danced upon the ashes of his burned up little plans.'
when he realized
how easy it's supposed to be.
how fun it's supposed to be.


well,
it could have been better,
but at least he realized it eventually, right? :)

made me think of how we're like this with God sometimes.
if only we'd give up our plans for his...
particularly at the times when it seems impossible to.

well
"something to think about later" i figured.


then i went and did my bible reading for the day,
which included 1 Samuel 8.
this is where the Israelites asked for a king...

now,
Samuel had acted as a leader for them. if you read the previous chapter or two, it tells about how he protected Israel and held it together, like the judges before him (he's named one in chapter 7 actually).
if you read about his miraculous birth and calling in the first few chapters of the book, you can see how the man is truly part of God's plan.
God chose Samuel to lead his people.
Like a shepherd finds a good sheep dog i guess. :)

in chapter 8 Samuel is getting old, and the Israelites want Samuel to pick a king to lead them before he's gone.
this is not purely bad in itself i think.
we read that Samuel's sons were not great people, and so it is good that the people desired to have a wise and just man of God leading them.

but
then we see that they are actually rejecting God as their king.
they think their security will come from a king.
they don't trust God for security.
they don't trust him to bring another man like Samuel (if that's what they need).
they don't trust God's plan. God's way.

God tells them their idea is bad, and gives them a pretty comprehensive list of reasons to prove it.
he encourages them to make him their king.
he gives them another chance to decide what they want...
but they still won't listen.

and he ended up giving them what they wanted!
he lets them do it their way, and even helps with it!

fools!
while God pursued the hearts of kings and did great things with those who loved him...
how much more if they had just accepted God as their king?!


but... what about me?
what about you?

for God's sake and yours,
the question
to which you ought to give serious thought :)
is this:

which plans of yours need to be burned to ashes?