a prayer: Qanna + hebrews 2:18

i wrote this in my journal recently.
this is one of those particularly personal ones that i just felt like sharing...

God, why do I feel like you can't satisfy me?
Just yesterday I asked for just a little taste. Surely that should be enough?
But where are you then? Because right now I don't want you.
Save me!
I know that it is temptation I fight. But I feel like a starving man rejecting bread.
It's torture. It's hard. And I don't believe I can stand it forever.
God, I fall far short of you. I confess that I do not truly acknowledge your love. Your greatness. Your glory. Your perfection.
You are life. You are joy. And while I know this, I can hardly believe or accept it, right now.
That is sin.
And even more... I also doubt your power. A piece of me says it acknowledges that you made the world and everything in it. That you weigh the islands as though they were fine dust. That you could destroy everything with one word from your mouth.
But once again, my heart doubts. Because if I truly understood and believed then I would know and see that your strength is enough to deliver me. I would trust that, because Jesus himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those, like me, who are being tempted.
I am broken, messy, needy. And I want to let other gods fix it.
I am ashamed God, but honest.
This is exactly how we're supposed to come to you, right?
Why is the darkness so much more comfortable?
Why is building my own fire so much easier? And why am I so convinced that last time I made one it was warmer than yours?

I don't understand it.
We never do, do we? When we are being attacked I mean.
Do we need to?
I guess not. I just figured it would be easier if we knew where we belonged. But we do! I do. I know it when I choose to leave you.
It's the "why" that doesn't make sense.
But I don't think we need to know this. Who questions where they belong if they know they belong there?!
I belong to you.
I belong with you.
Please make me confident of this. Mark me.
Hold me.
I know you love me.
You make me whole.
You will protect me.

You just did.