release

is it not beautifully ironic that
a christian is someone who simply
realizes
that he doesn't
know God
at all?

we're so tied to ourselves.


what i want to do i do not do,
but what i hate i do.
i tear myself to pieces,
and really, i don't like it.

but then i won't even let myself be forgiven.

last night i went to write in my journal
i think i was just headed for another prayer about being sorry and frustrated with myself.
and i realized it was the same condemning part of me, which had lead me to make mistakes in the first place, who was making me feel that way now!

silly me

it's serious really,
but i think he'd also love if i made a big deal about it
(the part of joshua who tore himself up in the first place and then wouldn't let him fix himself, that is),
because his goal is just to keep me away from God.

he did it by separating me from God,
but Jesus came to fix that.

then he did it by separating me from Jesus,
but i suppose the Spirit made me realize it.

he could also do it again by getting me to spend so much time thinking about... for example, how dumb I was (in both ways now), that, once again, i get distracted from the point.

like getting stuck for a long time studying some math problem, which isn't going to be on the test.
or thinking so much about how to be a good football player that you never take time to play.


so
let's just forget about ourselves, shall we?
let's just stop trying to figure out and understand things.
let's stop feeling like we have to
accept,
and simply receive.

let's stop stopping ourselves from being blessed by God,
and let's stop stopping ourselves from letting God by too BIG to understand.
so that we can stop stopping ourselves from praising him.

hopefully that was coherent. :)