hidden

presently, i'm awfully emotional.

i haven't figured out why yet.
heck, there might not even be a reason.

i think maybe i hide it.
but then again, maybe i'm not so transparent as i think.

i like to think i'm a person with nothing to hide.
but i'm reminded that's far from true.

which is sad.

i wish it were true.

though...
maybe i'm not hiding because i'm afraid...

maybe it's just because i don't know what i'm hiding.

or maybe it's just because it's not fair for other people to deal with it.

i think i want pity.
though i frown at myself for that.
why so selfish?

how can i know this or that SO well,
and not feel it in my heart?


i want to be completely open
for every part of me to be seen.
every secret.
every feeling.

though...
maybe i want it for a good reason for a second or two...
but then suddenly it's just because i want attention.


then...
i want to hide.
everything.
who i am, what i've done, how i feel.
all of it.

because...
if i'm going to be so selfish,
i'll just starve myself from attention.

but this doesn't work well,
and the desire to be cracked open doesn't leave.
i'm hungry for encouragement.

truth is, i think i don't have the slightest idea how to deal with a lot of things.
all i know how to do is bury them.

until i explode
and look for comfort in a thousand things
then find God when they fail me
then forget it all.

forget it.

i'm so good at forgetting.
especially the things that shouldn't be forgotten.


i am lonely.
but i won't let myself be held.

i want to cry to someone.
but nobody will come to me.

and i have a feeling that's not what i need anyways.

it's like starving yourself because all you have is junk food.


if any of that made sense to you, then i'm impressed. :)
if you think you put all the puzzle pieces together and it made something...
then you're either crazy. because that was straight out of an ADD heart.
or else you're a genious. you should grow up and be a psychologist and help me make sense of myself.

basically what all of this says is...
what in the world is going on?

broke

"Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer."
why's that so hard?

it's so difficult to have a soft heart
and be tough
at the same time.

stupid, silly things make me crumble inside and out.
but then i have to fight hard to crack open the door just a little bit to let in the things that are truly incredible.

i want to be a hero, and a warrior, and a friend, and a brother, and a man.
but i can't imagine how to get there.
and with every attempt i just get pushed back harder.

and every time i try to just
be.
and to allow God to make me become...
i end up thinking about myself and waiting for him to do everything.
forgetting the gift's price.


what do i do?
and where do i find comfort?

...questions i've always known the answer to.
yet still can't seem to answer.

because i'm too scared
and too tired
to attempt the swim
from my little, bobbing wooden plank
to that ship
again.


in the meantime,
i just feel like a soldier without a gun.
a beast without a beauty.
a farmer in a drought.
an athlete with a sprained ankle.

and a simple scream for help doesn't fix it.

hilltop

hey guys

things have been pretty nuts lately

i moved back to school on sunday, august 3rd if you didn't hear.

i'm now a georgia tech peer leader (PL for short)
basically an RA
except exclusively for freshmen. and therefore our aim is not at all just to be the hall police, but rather to build a community. the main objective of the job is to help freshmen adjust to college and feel at home here.

we had training all last week. which was basically 12 hours a day minus meals and occasional down time between sessions. sometimes boring, sometimes exciting, sometimes useful. but anyways, its over now.
then on sunday we had a free/fun day.

of course up to this point, most free time has gone to preparing the hall and doing paperwork.

but it has been excellent!
PLs are generally pretty fun people i think. which makes sense because otherwise we would be less likely to be hired for the job.
and so becoming friends with these people i'll be working with has been an absolute joy.

there are 20 of us under our hall director, and most of them i can now call "friend."
they're all such beautiful people.
i just can't express how wonderful the time with them has been. :)

so that's exciting.

today was the first day that i could sleep in and do more rest/personal stuff than work in quite a while i feel.

it will be interesting to see how things balance out as the year starts.
this job that i have now is a big one. not in a bad way... it's perfect and i love it.
but it is big. between Navs, PLing, and school i think my plate will be very full...

i'll be learning a lot about managing time and priorities.
i'll be learning a lot about myself.
i'll be learning a lot about working with people.
i'll be learning how to come out of my introvert shell like never before.
i'll be learning how to show people love.
i'll have to learn how to depend on God more.

tomorrow the first small wave of freshmen move in. (a very small handful of band kids moved in today) and then starting thursday they'll be coming in droves. and of course that shoots right into school.

so this moment
now
is like being at the top of a hill in a wagon and getting ready for that one
tiny
push that will inch the wheels into motion.
into one crazy
scary
and exciting ride...

fear

been rereading The Silence of Adam.

the gist...

"He's been building that boat for seven years that I know of. The blocks rotted out and he made concrete blocks. Every time he gets it nearly finished he changes it and starts over again. I think he's nuts. Seven years on a boat."

Doc was sitting on the ground pulling off his rubber boots. "You don't understand," he said gently. "Henri loves boats but he's afraid of the ocean."

"What's he want a boat for then?" Hazel demanded.

"He likes boats," said Doc. "But suppose he finishes his boat. Once it's finished people will say, 'Why don't you put it in the water?' Then if he puts it in the water, he'll have to go out in it, and he hates the water. So you see, he never finishes the boat--so he doesn't ever have to launch it."

Cannery Row
John Steinbeck

dancing on ashes

bah
i still haven't caught up on rest.
how come i always seem to get more energy and stay up later when i plan a specific bedtime?!

i was at sharptop cove doing work crew this weekend, as you most likely know.
and it was a blast.
it was nice to be with my dear friends.
nice to encourage and laugh with and laugh at them. :)
nice to smile and laugh about memories.

and also nice to make new ones.
i think there are some great new memories to laugh and smile about now. :)

wonderful


anyways,
the main point of me writing this is to share with you something that God reminded me of on saturday...

this weekend i spent some of my free time walking around the camp with Josh and Jason, and at one point we ended up watching a young boy do the quantum leap.
i think the quantum leap is one of the coolest things they have there. :)
it's basically a quiet spot back in the woods where they've got a wooden pole sticking out of the ground. a telephone pole basically. with metal rungs on the sides spaced out about every 4 feet so that you can climb up. you try to climb to the top (where there is a little one square foot platform) and stand up. hanging from a tree a little ways out is a bell, which you try to jump off and ring.
of course you're harnessed in, so that it's safe and you don't fall to your death after ringing the bell. :) there's a trained person on the ground who has you by a rope that goes through a number of pulleys. they could probably pull most people to the top if they wanted to.

so
like i said, we got there just as a young elementary school aged boy was harnessed in. we were pretty surprised when he made it all the way to the top! the rope guy had to help him out some because he was almost too short to even reach the next rung sometimes, but he made it and was sitting down on top.
i guess he didn't realize how high he was until he got there, because he suddenly froze up. his father and everyone watching was trying to encourage him to turn to face the bell and stand up. but he was too afraid of falling.

after about 5 or 10 minutes he decided that he wanted to come down, which there's no shame in doing. especially at this kids age. a lot of kids freak out at the top, and understandably so. standing on top of a telephone pole doesn't feel like a very secure place, even if you're being held up by a rope. it's a healthy fear.

but
the way to get down
is to jump off.
to let go.
and the rope dude slowly lowers you to the ground.
this is how the quantum leap is designed to work.

little kid had a different plan though.
he didn't feel safe doing that.
part of the time he just wanted to hang tight and not move...

and he wanted to climb down.
which he could do i suppose.
but it wouldn't be easy.
it would probably hurt a little.
it would take a lot longer.
he could end up getting hurt a little, because it's hard to keep tension in the rope if the person's headed down.
and he would miss the fun of slowly swinging to the ground!

at first, everyone was encouraging him to do it the right way. the good way. the easy way.
they told him why his way wasn't good.
but he refused to listen.
he was a child.
he couldn't understand that their plan was better and safer than his in every way.
he needed to put faith in what his father was saying to him.
but he wouldn't.

they realized that he couldn't be reasoned with before long, and let him try to do things his way. i guess the most important thing was that he got down safely, and if he wouldn't do it the right way, they didn't have another option.

well
after quite some time
after a lot of effort and little improvement
after a lot of crying and fear
he eventually decided to
let go.

you should have seen the smile on his face when he 'danced upon the ashes of his burned up little plans.'
when he realized
how easy it's supposed to be.
how fun it's supposed to be.


well,
it could have been better,
but at least he realized it eventually, right? :)

made me think of how we're like this with God sometimes.
if only we'd give up our plans for his...
particularly at the times when it seems impossible to.

well
"something to think about later" i figured.


then i went and did my bible reading for the day,
which included 1 Samuel 8.
this is where the Israelites asked for a king...

now,
Samuel had acted as a leader for them. if you read the previous chapter or two, it tells about how he protected Israel and held it together, like the judges before him (he's named one in chapter 7 actually).
if you read about his miraculous birth and calling in the first few chapters of the book, you can see how the man is truly part of God's plan.
God chose Samuel to lead his people.
Like a shepherd finds a good sheep dog i guess. :)

in chapter 8 Samuel is getting old, and the Israelites want Samuel to pick a king to lead them before he's gone.
this is not purely bad in itself i think.
we read that Samuel's sons were not great people, and so it is good that the people desired to have a wise and just man of God leading them.

but
then we see that they are actually rejecting God as their king.
they think their security will come from a king.
they don't trust God for security.
they don't trust him to bring another man like Samuel (if that's what they need).
they don't trust God's plan. God's way.

God tells them their idea is bad, and gives them a pretty comprehensive list of reasons to prove it.
he encourages them to make him their king.
he gives them another chance to decide what they want...
but they still won't listen.

and he ended up giving them what they wanted!
he lets them do it their way, and even helps with it!

fools!
while God pursued the hearts of kings and did great things with those who loved him...
how much more if they had just accepted God as their king?!


but... what about me?
what about you?

for God's sake and yours,
the question
to which you ought to give serious thought :)
is this:

which plans of yours need to be burned to ashes?

a prayer: Qanna + hebrews 2:18

i wrote this in my journal recently.
this is one of those particularly personal ones that i just felt like sharing...

God, why do I feel like you can't satisfy me?
Just yesterday I asked for just a little taste. Surely that should be enough?
But where are you then? Because right now I don't want you.
Save me!
I know that it is temptation I fight. But I feel like a starving man rejecting bread.
It's torture. It's hard. And I don't believe I can stand it forever.
God, I fall far short of you. I confess that I do not truly acknowledge your love. Your greatness. Your glory. Your perfection.
You are life. You are joy. And while I know this, I can hardly believe or accept it, right now.
That is sin.
And even more... I also doubt your power. A piece of me says it acknowledges that you made the world and everything in it. That you weigh the islands as though they were fine dust. That you could destroy everything with one word from your mouth.
But once again, my heart doubts. Because if I truly understood and believed then I would know and see that your strength is enough to deliver me. I would trust that, because Jesus himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those, like me, who are being tempted.
I am broken, messy, needy. And I want to let other gods fix it.
I am ashamed God, but honest.
This is exactly how we're supposed to come to you, right?
Why is the darkness so much more comfortable?
Why is building my own fire so much easier? And why am I so convinced that last time I made one it was warmer than yours?

I don't understand it.
We never do, do we? When we are being attacked I mean.
Do we need to?
I guess not. I just figured it would be easier if we knew where we belonged. But we do! I do. I know it when I choose to leave you.
It's the "why" that doesn't make sense.
But I don't think we need to know this. Who questions where they belong if they know they belong there?!
I belong to you.
I belong with you.
Please make me confident of this. Mark me.
Hold me.
I know you love me.
You make me whole.
You will protect me.

You just did.

dance

expanding some thoughts from a few months ago...

so as Christians we're often quick to throw out the phrase "walk with God."
it's a cool metaphor.
walking implies you're going about it slowly. your life with him is long but steady. not a race, but a journey.
and so on

but that's just one way to look at it

i know a girl who once asked "why don't we dance with God?"

good question

what does that metaphor mean?
i'll let you think about that and figure it out for yourself.

the point of this isn't to tell you what that means exactly, or how to do it.
i will go so far as to propose that God is the lead.
and so from there... i haven't a clue what his dance with you would look like.

i simply hope to encourage you, and hopefully myself as well, to dance

one of my brother's favorite quotes:
"Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

i feel like we're always so busy trying to get on top of everything.
we want to be... ready, prepared, perfect before we start.

but things like music and dancing don't work that way.
you can't think it through all the way. can't make sense of everything.
you just have to do it. or else you'll never get around to it.

i heard this song when somebody was listening to the radio.
i think i've heard it before. i think it might be one of those songs that most people are annoyed with. but oh well :)
look at the words, cause they're excellent in my opinion. if you consider how God is involved throughout them.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone)

desperation

I'm Not Alright
Sanctus Real
If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of,
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune-I only wanna be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
and when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
Because honestly, I'm not that strong

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all i go through - it leads me to you, it leads me to you

(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved)

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all I go through leads me to you, leads me to you

I'm not alright - I'm not alright - I'm not alright
Thats why I need you

Captain I'm Fine And Thanks For Everything
Right Away, Great Captain
(I've added some punctuation though.)
captains glory-
the trumpets will sound.
I'm unfamiliar;
you're under the ground.
and i tried crying...
but strength was unveiled.
you left us you bastard...
you left us to sail.

and i won't, let you down.
no i won't, let you down.

and in the winters
i need you around.
i still feel sorrow
and i still write it down.
and my children there's just fine;
they'd of loved you, you know.
there fathers a captain
with a beard just like you.

and i won't, let you down
no i won't, let you down

Don't Kid Yourself, You Need a Physician
Anathalo
"In my room, in my room,
In this gospel I have made,
Salvation is a broken cistern in a handmade frame."

Some stuff from Band of Brothers...
2nd Lt. George Rice: Looks like you guys are going to be surrounded.
Richard Winters: We're paratroopers, Lieutenant, we're supposed to be surrounded.

Ronald Spiers: We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead.

Some good quotes to think about...
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dirty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
T.E. Lawrence

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

poems

one of my poems i reread tonight and wanted to share.
i didn't name at the time.
it's sad
awful really
but separated from the second half of the story...
it is very very true
and real

They are...
tired.
Tired of thee apparent machine
that chews them up
crunches every resolve
chains their hearts.
And tired of failing to unlock them.

They are...
scary.
Each a portfolio of child-drawn
monsters and aliens:
A new hideous sketch every time,
to highlight every disgusting characteristic.

They are...
plural.
Everywhere you look, surrounding you,
In plain sight,
And in the smallest of dark corners.
Filling oceans with tears, because.....

They are...
alone.
Every single one cut off.
From each other. From every other.
From hope.
Every whispered plea either
fearfully ignored or faithlessly forgotten.


and just for your enjoyment
a poem i wrote about two years ago, in the style of William Carlos Williams
only the artistic types such as myself seem to understand and enjoy it.

the
green
pencil sharpener