victories

again, sorry for the dry spell...
though i won't say anymore, because it's just lame if i start every post groveling :)

if you know me really well, then you probably know a bit about the way i've struggled with porn and whatnot during my life thus far.

and i have to admit, having my own room this year has made it difficult.

but God is reminding me over and over to have hope for the day when he makes all things new. he is reminding me that my spirit is a new creation already! and he is reminding me that because of this we can know each other, be with each other, interact with each other- be friends, father/son, king/servant, shepherd/sheep, lover/bride, etc. (and that is what he desires more than anything)

so for now... i'm not perfect.
my "flesh" (as the bible calls it) is not perfect.
but God is renewing me each day on the inside.
and it will creep its way out fully one day...

and it's not something i have to sit and wait for...
it's starting to happen already!
even as i type this, the new creation is spreading outward from my spirit.

God's reminders and encouragement has pushed me a bit...
urged me to not just sit by and wait.
he has given me hope for what i will be. for what we will be and what we are becoming.

and he is renewing my faith.
more times than i can count i have promised God to make changes and promised God i'll have faith that he can help me make those changes.
and i have failed God more times than i can count (particularly sexually, like i was saying...)
such promises and failure can crush faith...
but God is renewing it.

and it's great :)


anyways, all of that is pretty.... internal. sounds like a bunch of... theory. spiritual talk.
but... it's also real.

for the first time, i feel like i have finally learned how to be held accountable to a brother. it's so hard. and so good. that's a wall God has been trying to tear down for years... i don't know why i have been so hesitant to trust in such a way... but anyways... i'm finally truly learning how to do it fully i feel. and it's magnificent!

also, (again, particularly in regards to sexual sin) i have decided to make a more drastic step than i have ever made and use an internet filter.
it's... humbling for one. it's not easy to admit that it just might possibly be a good idea.
it's frustrating too... it won't even let me do a freaking normal google image search. sooo inconvenient...
it costs money.
but it's all worth it i think. it's what God was calling me to anyways.

guys,
i'm not perfect.
most of the time i feel like i'm juggling everything in my life.
and dropping most of it.

but God calls me his son. his beloved. his servant. his friend.
he calls me new. he calls me "mighty warrior."

though i am not, he calls me as though i were.
and therefore, i am.

even when i don't feel like it...
i lack nothing.
life is good :)
(even when i don't feel it!)


i've discovered something awesome.
i'm calling it bro time with Jesus, unless a better name comes to mind.
it basically consists of...
first getting away from other people, somewhere quiet and mostly dark. (like in my room at night, with a lamp on)
then obtaining an ibc rootbeer.
then getting comfortable, drinking the rootbeer, and spending time with Jesus (mainly talking and listening).

it's awesome.
and i'm gonna go have one before i go to sleep...

scars

so if you read this, then you probably already know about my recent injury

we were over at the wcf cookout the other night. then i was walking back to west campus with molly, chelsea, erin, and a new friend, colleen.
molly wanted to visit some other new friends who had pledged to a fraternity nearby. after circling around looking for the place we were finally on the right path...

sadly for me, that path led right to a pole. i guess i wasn't paying attention, because i never saw it coming. i was just turning and looking up to make a comment when
BOOM.

pole

there was a short moment of "ouch."
and a bit of dizzy.

and then lots of laughing.

then blood.

the girls were concerned.
with good reason perhaps.
[from this point until the "but seriously" i had a pair of guest authors: chelsea and erin. i made a few edits, and left some comments in brackets... but it's mostly their work.]

it was actually pretty bad...
i'm just being modest.
there was blood all over the side of my face and in my hair...
apparently i looked pretty awful.

i was still laughing like i was the coolest person ever [because i have the best embarrasing story ever] when in reality i was standing on the sidewalk outside of a bunch of frat houses with blood plastered [good word choice..] to my face.
needless to say i have some pretty cool friends and they (very wisely) went straight to one of the frat houses to get me some water and band aids and cleaning swabs.

they're so sweet. [:)]

anyways this part is actually kind of funny because all the frat boys were outside dressed up with flowers ready to serenade the sororities, so i had a bit of an audience while i was wiping my face off.

so we headed home instead of to a hospital (very stupid idea) [uh... too bad there's not a hospital to go to....]

chelsea [thinks she] saved erin from walking into another pole [except not].
then as we were passing another frat house, chelsea's nose spontaneously began to bleed, and the familiar sight of blood returned. she was clearly being repaid for saving erin from certain blood [what?]. again we ran to a frat house to get napkins. chelsea then joined me in the very distinguished blood crew.

anyways
i got back and paraded around my dorm sharing my story with residents.
it's a good conversation starter.

i should run into things more often...

so yeah

i figured it was just a little cut...
it wasn't until later in molly/colleen/erin's dorm (to get a brownie that my awesome friend erin saved for me) that we pulled back the band aid to have a better look at the cut. it was WAY deep and STILL bleeding hours later (by now we really should have gone the hospital) [that still doesn't exist] but we settled on fixing it with hydrogen peroxide/neosporin/another band-aid/water/bed.

except...
i actually stayed up til like 1...
because it's fun to tell people that you might have to get stitches for walking into a pole.

i finally got to the doctor the next day after my classes and he told me that in order to sew it up he would have to rip the cut back open first.
and i decided that sounded stupid.
basically i would be paying them to make me bleed more, take up my free time, and remove my awesome scar.

it's pretty neat actually, it's sort of in the shape of a Y over my eyebrow. i'm practically harry potter. i bet i'll be able to sense the pole's presence next time i walk by it.

by now it's not so bad, but I managed to get a sweet picture of my face covered in blood.


but seriously

i decided things in life go this way a lot.
for me at least.

it's easy to just laugh it off when you run into a pole.
to pretend like you're fine.
to get too busy to take care of the problem.

and then it turns out it's worse than you thought.
and covering it up with a band-aid,
and wiping off the blood,
and getting busy with other "more important" things
doesn't help.

it's kind of lame when you finally realize it's a problem.
but you can't do anything.

and the worst part is when you
FINALLY
get to the doctor...
but now the scar is already part of you.
and he has to open it again to fix it.

but you won't let him.

if you had gone at first,
he could have fixed it right up.
and you'd have been fine with that!

but now you waited to long.

you're okay with him helping you when you're hurt.
but not okay with him hurting you to help.

if only, if only...

dancing on ashes

bah
i still haven't caught up on rest.
how come i always seem to get more energy and stay up later when i plan a specific bedtime?!

i was at sharptop cove doing work crew this weekend, as you most likely know.
and it was a blast.
it was nice to be with my dear friends.
nice to encourage and laugh with and laugh at them. :)
nice to smile and laugh about memories.

and also nice to make new ones.
i think there are some great new memories to laugh and smile about now. :)

wonderful


anyways,
the main point of me writing this is to share with you something that God reminded me of on saturday...

this weekend i spent some of my free time walking around the camp with Josh and Jason, and at one point we ended up watching a young boy do the quantum leap.
i think the quantum leap is one of the coolest things they have there. :)
it's basically a quiet spot back in the woods where they've got a wooden pole sticking out of the ground. a telephone pole basically. with metal rungs on the sides spaced out about every 4 feet so that you can climb up. you try to climb to the top (where there is a little one square foot platform) and stand up. hanging from a tree a little ways out is a bell, which you try to jump off and ring.
of course you're harnessed in, so that it's safe and you don't fall to your death after ringing the bell. :) there's a trained person on the ground who has you by a rope that goes through a number of pulleys. they could probably pull most people to the top if they wanted to.

so
like i said, we got there just as a young elementary school aged boy was harnessed in. we were pretty surprised when he made it all the way to the top! the rope guy had to help him out some because he was almost too short to even reach the next rung sometimes, but he made it and was sitting down on top.
i guess he didn't realize how high he was until he got there, because he suddenly froze up. his father and everyone watching was trying to encourage him to turn to face the bell and stand up. but he was too afraid of falling.

after about 5 or 10 minutes he decided that he wanted to come down, which there's no shame in doing. especially at this kids age. a lot of kids freak out at the top, and understandably so. standing on top of a telephone pole doesn't feel like a very secure place, even if you're being held up by a rope. it's a healthy fear.

but
the way to get down
is to jump off.
to let go.
and the rope dude slowly lowers you to the ground.
this is how the quantum leap is designed to work.

little kid had a different plan though.
he didn't feel safe doing that.
part of the time he just wanted to hang tight and not move...

and he wanted to climb down.
which he could do i suppose.
but it wouldn't be easy.
it would probably hurt a little.
it would take a lot longer.
he could end up getting hurt a little, because it's hard to keep tension in the rope if the person's headed down.
and he would miss the fun of slowly swinging to the ground!

at first, everyone was encouraging him to do it the right way. the good way. the easy way.
they told him why his way wasn't good.
but he refused to listen.
he was a child.
he couldn't understand that their plan was better and safer than his in every way.
he needed to put faith in what his father was saying to him.
but he wouldn't.

they realized that he couldn't be reasoned with before long, and let him try to do things his way. i guess the most important thing was that he got down safely, and if he wouldn't do it the right way, they didn't have another option.

well
after quite some time
after a lot of effort and little improvement
after a lot of crying and fear
he eventually decided to
let go.

you should have seen the smile on his face when he 'danced upon the ashes of his burned up little plans.'
when he realized
how easy it's supposed to be.
how fun it's supposed to be.


well,
it could have been better,
but at least he realized it eventually, right? :)

made me think of how we're like this with God sometimes.
if only we'd give up our plans for his...
particularly at the times when it seems impossible to.

well
"something to think about later" i figured.


then i went and did my bible reading for the day,
which included 1 Samuel 8.
this is where the Israelites asked for a king...

now,
Samuel had acted as a leader for them. if you read the previous chapter or two, it tells about how he protected Israel and held it together, like the judges before him (he's named one in chapter 7 actually).
if you read about his miraculous birth and calling in the first few chapters of the book, you can see how the man is truly part of God's plan.
God chose Samuel to lead his people.
Like a shepherd finds a good sheep dog i guess. :)

in chapter 8 Samuel is getting old, and the Israelites want Samuel to pick a king to lead them before he's gone.
this is not purely bad in itself i think.
we read that Samuel's sons were not great people, and so it is good that the people desired to have a wise and just man of God leading them.

but
then we see that they are actually rejecting God as their king.
they think their security will come from a king.
they don't trust God for security.
they don't trust him to bring another man like Samuel (if that's what they need).
they don't trust God's plan. God's way.

God tells them their idea is bad, and gives them a pretty comprehensive list of reasons to prove it.
he encourages them to make him their king.
he gives them another chance to decide what they want...
but they still won't listen.

and he ended up giving them what they wanted!
he lets them do it their way, and even helps with it!

fools!
while God pursued the hearts of kings and did great things with those who loved him...
how much more if they had just accepted God as their king?!


but... what about me?
what about you?

for God's sake and yours,
the question
to which you ought to give serious thought :)
is this:

which plans of yours need to be burned to ashes?

all in all

do you see the church as the fullness of an infinite God?


you are my strength when i am weak, you are the treasure that i seek,
you are my all in all.
seeking you as a precious jewel, Lord to give up I'd be a fool,
you are my all in all.

Jesus, lamb of God worthy is your name.
Jesus, lamb of God worthy is your name.

taking my sin, my cross, my shame. rising again, i praise your name,
you are my all in all.
when i fall down you pick me up. when I am dry you fill my cup,
you are my all in all.

Jesus, lamb of God worthy is your name.
Jesus, lamb of God worthy is your name.


ever sing this song?
it's a good one :)
we should sing old school songs like this more often

but anyways...

i always found the phrase "all in all" to be sort of funny.
what do you think?

well
i came upon it the other day
in Ephesians 1:23
and found that NIV had a great translation...
"everything in every way"

so that's what it means...
"you are my all in all"
"God is my everything
in every way."

that sounds about right...


well, in this verse it was talking about something a bit different though.

it says that the church, the body, is "the fullness of Him of fills all in all."

so there's a God who fills EVERYTHING in EVERY way,
and the church
is
this FULLNESS.

that's crazy. :)

do you see the church as the fullness of an infinite God?
refresh yourself now...
when i say church i'm talking about the people
not the institution.

think about it
like right now, for just a minute...


if you don't think it is,
you probably looked at the ways the church fails to represent God.

now, let's not jump the gun.
let's not even think about who, why, or what the problem is...

let's just ask ourselves...
in what ways am i not letting God fill all of
me.

a prayer: Qanna + hebrews 2:18

i wrote this in my journal recently.
this is one of those particularly personal ones that i just felt like sharing...

God, why do I feel like you can't satisfy me?
Just yesterday I asked for just a little taste. Surely that should be enough?
But where are you then? Because right now I don't want you.
Save me!
I know that it is temptation I fight. But I feel like a starving man rejecting bread.
It's torture. It's hard. And I don't believe I can stand it forever.
God, I fall far short of you. I confess that I do not truly acknowledge your love. Your greatness. Your glory. Your perfection.
You are life. You are joy. And while I know this, I can hardly believe or accept it, right now.
That is sin.
And even more... I also doubt your power. A piece of me says it acknowledges that you made the world and everything in it. That you weigh the islands as though they were fine dust. That you could destroy everything with one word from your mouth.
But once again, my heart doubts. Because if I truly understood and believed then I would know and see that your strength is enough to deliver me. I would trust that, because Jesus himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those, like me, who are being tempted.
I am broken, messy, needy. And I want to let other gods fix it.
I am ashamed God, but honest.
This is exactly how we're supposed to come to you, right?
Why is the darkness so much more comfortable?
Why is building my own fire so much easier? And why am I so convinced that last time I made one it was warmer than yours?

I don't understand it.
We never do, do we? When we are being attacked I mean.
Do we need to?
I guess not. I just figured it would be easier if we knew where we belonged. But we do! I do. I know it when I choose to leave you.
It's the "why" that doesn't make sense.
But I don't think we need to know this. Who questions where they belong if they know they belong there?!
I belong to you.
I belong with you.
Please make me confident of this. Mark me.
Hold me.
I know you love me.
You make me whole.
You will protect me.

You just did.

attitude

i took this from something written in The Vision & the Vow (which of course was inspired by Philippians 2). made some changes though...

Your attitude should be the same as the Church:

Who, being in very nature Christ's beloved,
did not consider her beauty & glory
something to be grasped,
but made herself nothing
a servant
utterly human
nothing special.

And being found in appearance as a nobody
she humbled herself further
and became obedient
through success, failure, persecution, temptation,
and ultimately death- death on a cross.

Until
God swapped her torn, bloody, grimy overalls
for the most beautiful bridal gown of all time.
He placed a ring upon her calloused finger
and gave her His name- the one above all others-
that when she walks down the aisle
her bridal procession should number thousands upon thousands
from every tribe and tongue
their hearts overflowing with joy
as the trumpet sounds
and the wedding feast begins
forever.

dance

expanding some thoughts from a few months ago...

so as Christians we're often quick to throw out the phrase "walk with God."
it's a cool metaphor.
walking implies you're going about it slowly. your life with him is long but steady. not a race, but a journey.
and so on

but that's just one way to look at it

i know a girl who once asked "why don't we dance with God?"

good question

what does that metaphor mean?
i'll let you think about that and figure it out for yourself.

the point of this isn't to tell you what that means exactly, or how to do it.
i will go so far as to propose that God is the lead.
and so from there... i haven't a clue what his dance with you would look like.

i simply hope to encourage you, and hopefully myself as well, to dance

one of my brother's favorite quotes:
"Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

i feel like we're always so busy trying to get on top of everything.
we want to be... ready, prepared, perfect before we start.

but things like music and dancing don't work that way.
you can't think it through all the way. can't make sense of everything.
you just have to do it. or else you'll never get around to it.

i heard this song when somebody was listening to the radio.
i think i've heard it before. i think it might be one of those songs that most people are annoyed with. but oh well :)
look at the words, cause they're excellent in my opinion. if you consider how God is involved throughout them.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone)

the vision

never lose sight of the vision you God gave you.
Nehemiah 6:3

So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers

choose to loose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mold them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

inside.

On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,

they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centers.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

father love

read these lyrics, it's the end of the song.
as you do picture a child and a father.
(real ones mind you. i don't mean that in some religious metaphoric whatever kind of way)

"The Stand"-by Hillsong United

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory

so this week was excellent. especially tuesday. I started volunteering at Sheltering Arms. a day care/preschool for less wealthy people's children basically. i'll let you look that up on your own if you're confused. basically i spent 3 hours playing with 4/5 year olds.

it was wonderful :)
It made my entire day perfect.
It definitely helped me be focused on God.
And definitely made me more in love with him.

And of course that night at Navs before getting to his message, Donnie pointed out some lyrics in the song we finished with...
the one I just showed you
he emphasized:
"So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all"

He pointed out the way that paints a picture of a little child reaching up then being held close by their parent. How their heart is abandoned to their dad/mom.
He said he loves being a father because it's the best way ever to understand God's love for us. He tried to describe what it's like to have your daughter or son in your arms. Their heart abandoned, surrendered.

And I thought... wow. That sounds just like this morning. Sounds like the same feeling when you simply make a kid smile or laugh. Or when they hold your hand.
So... how much more if it's your own child!
And if they're completely abandoned to you, in your arms.

And apparently that's just a reflection of God's love.
What's the real thing like!?
...

(I'm glad our emotions are so limited. Otherwise we would surely explode.)

the zombie song

We’re like zombies
Like the walking dead
With X’s (excess) in our eyes
And music in our heads
We’ve forgotten
Our first love
And made it pictures
Of crosses and doves

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

We all follow
But we’re standing still
Reciting dead words
With hopeless zeal
We’re all preachers
With our mouths closed
Clothing messages
In sugar coats

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

I wanna hide beneath the pretty paint
I wanna be okay with everything
I wanna be transformed and stay the same
I wanna be dry in the rain

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

Running in this stupid circle
Running in the stupid circle
Our souvenirs won’t be worth a single thing
And Truth will never be “in”

by Cool Hand Luke

my week

woohoo
hi there

i decided to fast from the internet for the week. at least besides using it for communication and school work.
to get priorities down. and spend time with people. and focus on God.
it was a good idea.
i'll probably do it again every once in a while.
you should too.

and it was a good week. :)
filled with adventures

I've done a lot of bike riding. Just going back and forth all over the place for random stuff. One big trip into the city to the Police Department for a background check. :)
I got a TB test.
Got to hang out a few random times with Cody, Nathan, and Stephen.
Had dinner with most of the bible study guys.
Rode Marta up to visit Megan and have lunch between classes on Wednesday. :)
Learned how to make gravy.
Had a sweet time in a prayer room from 2-4 am.
Watched 6 Band of Brothers episodes with guys at the house.

And more...

And I'm not behind on homework yet. :)

book update...
Still working on Cost of Discipleship... getting there though. It was put to the side over the break to read other stuff.

I mentioned Redeeming Love. It's basically Hosea turned into a fiction book that takes place during the 1800s.
You should read it.
It was simply a neat picture of what God's persistent unconditional love looks like.

And I read Prince Caspian. Not the best of them, but it's good.

And I read Starving Jesus. By the xxxchurch guys.
Very similar to Cost of Discipleship actually. The gist of the message: if you have faith then get off your butt and act on it.

Well
I'm hungry and I've other things to do
later

after waking

so i got Braveheart for Christmas and finally got around to watching it tonight.

and like every time i watch it
i see something new or fresh

earlier this month (while i was supposed to be studying for finals) i wrote a bit about my favorite scene
"he wakes" was the name of it i believe

...that really did mean a lot to me
the first time i noticed it was...
last november I think
maybe october
not long after Megan and i split up

i was rereading Wild at Heart around then too

see i realized the trap that i had been in
it took me a bit longer than Wallace to realize i was dreaming
caught up with wanting something that i couldn't have

we all have those things
we all dream something up
something we think will satisfy
whether we realize it or not

well God pointed it out to me.
pointed out the way i was depending
on a girl in this case.
i place this dependence in many things besides him
(for me i suppose girls are just one of the easier to do that with)

so then what?
i fought to wake up
as i was saying in that earlier post

and i've done it i'd say
so far as the girl mess is concerned

ha
and i've been so impressed with myself much of the time...
and so pleased...

that i forgot about the real fighting that needs to be done now

he wakes

this is probably in my top five favorite movie moments. funny, perhaps, because most people don't seem to notice it I think. in fact, if you look on movie quote websites they never have the 4th line, which changes the whole point of this scene. it's from Braveheart.

William Wallace dreams that he sees his wife, Murron. (who is dead)

William: I'm dreaming.

Murron: Yes you are, and you must wake.

William: I don't want to wake. I want to stay here with you.

Murron: And I with you. But you must wake now. Wake up, William.
Wake up. William, wake up.

(He wakes)

do you ever find yourself in places like this? caught in a dream, not wanting wake up to the "real world."

in this case it's a woman. I can identify with that sometimes.
it can be all sorts of things.
it's the peace and love and comfort that we desire in the end I suppose.

there's nothing wrong with those things.

yet she tells him to wake up.
and he does.
as we all must do.

why?
because we are called to live life. to live now.
Christ calls us to be laborers. ambassadors. heros. warriors.
these people don't lay around dreaming
they act. now.

so
despite our love of the dream
we hear the alarm clock
groan
roll out of bed
and mindlessly start living

wrong
so wrong

what is william wallace doing?!
fighting a war.
he has a mission...
and a vision,
a purpose,
a passion

and his wife?
yes, he loves her

if you recall,
it was Murron who inspired him to fight in the first place!
you see,
he doesn't choose between her and his war.

they're both part of this

just remember
that your life
your fight
your mission
should be your passion

you can have others
but let them be fuel for the race set out before you

rather than be absorbed with other desires
let them strengthen you

and then wake

perhaps that dream will be part of life one day
Wallace found love again, for example

but now...
remember
you have a mission
a vision
a passion

pursue it
run that race
fight the good fight

meaning of life

well, there's a lot that i could say now
maybe i can tie it up into one thing
warning, it may be long

first a song by classic crime

who needs air

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.
{if only we desired to dance on the ashes of our plans more often}

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don't need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me. {that hurts usually...}
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don't need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild. {oh yes God, please}
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise. {...who am i then?}

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you've got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

[I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life
and give up the air that you breathe.
You don't need anything.]
{He means besides what he's got. Besides the Air of Life.}


That makes me excited.
Things like that tend to.
I read The Vision the other day and it made me cry.

Maybe you're a girl or something and you do that too often. and that's a bad thing to you.
But for me it's a good thing. it doesn't happen enough.

Anyways

But then I have to go and discourage myself.

I guess the biggest thing that discourages me is when I start trying to breathe air again. Instead of God.

But I just never see it coming until it's happened!

or maybe that's just an excuse...
i dunno

Will we ever get things right?

I mean, you're supposed to give yourself to God right?
And he works on you, making you better

But I'll never be perfect!
It seems idiotic.

It's like God's trying so hard to do something that will never happen.

It's not all God though.
My effort goes in here somewhere... right?

Again, I get discouraged
because most of the time as soon as I try harder
and put effort into doing things right
i fail

I suppose that's because... I can't do things right without God

But then we're back where we started!!

argh...

But then I realize...

i guess...
that...

That's the idea.

I never will deserve God's love.
He doesn't ask that I reach some level.
And then it's all good.

Nonono

I am eternally screwed.

And yet...
eternally loved away from death by God.
he loves me... anyways

Do you see how deep our debt is?
It's infinite.

Oh no! more discouragement
i'm so in debt!

but... he doesn't ask that we pay it back...?
(thats good, i can't...)

He just wants us to receive it.
it is... a gift i suppose

Imagine your parents gave you something that incredible for Christmas.

And now good ol' five iron
this is the thought process i've been through in all this.
my thought process every time I have to teach myself what life is.

every new day

When I was young, the smallest trick of light, Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day, I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for, And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar, {i used to be that way... But wait... maybe I still am, and I just can't see it.... read my xanga for today}

I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears, Watered Heaven with their tears,
{oh God help me}

Before words were spoken, Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you, Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher, Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach, reach, was not so high,
then, I thought the world was so much smaller, feeling I, could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies, behind infinity,
below the face of Heaven, he stoops to create me. {again, praise God}

{discouraged. again.}
Man versus himself. Man versus machine. Man versus the world. mankind versus me.
The struggles go on, the wisdom I lack,
the burdens keep piling up on my back.
So hard to breathe, to take the next step.
The mountains is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace, and hoping for peace.
Dear God... increase.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here’s my heart, let it be forever Your’s,
only you can make every new day seem so new.
{that means more than... when i wake up in the morning God makes me happy}

only you can make every new day seem so new.

(EVIL GRIN)
I leave you with an absolutely horrible
and absolutely beautiful thing I just thought of.

here is the Matlab code of God (sorry i go to Tech)
______________________
your_glory=false %I suck
your_worth=0 %therefore I'm worth nothing

Gods_love=true %but God loves me?

while Gods_love==true
your_worth= your_worth +1 %he gives me worth?
end
______________________

(by the way that just means we have no worth
but then God loves us
and gives us worth.
But there's a mistake in the code. [there must be!, we shout]
at some point after "while" Gods_love should =false.
Or else the code loops forever...)

This would give your computer an error.
It can't handle the numbers. They're too big.

Apparently God can do it.

Crazy.

So

Go
and live like God makes you worth something.
Because is trying so hard to.

church bells

song lyrics....
they're incredibly perfect
sorry i put up song lyrics so often
God just really speaks to me a lot through things i read. whether that's books, poems, songs, whatever.
i'll try to be better at commenting on them myself...

' asleep in the chapel'
by thursday

three chalk outlines sleep in the dirty street
and in our beds, under the sheets
they're the halo of guilt hanging around your neck
next to the rosary you count, falling asleep

and we're praying
these are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope

since we can't compete with martyred saints
we'll douse ourselves in gasoline
and hang our bodies from the lampposts
so that our shadows turn into bright lights

'white light, white heat' we'll make
as we're blacking out in the center lane
(we swerve) to the beat, (spill) all the ink
(no revisions) do you hear the church bells ringing?

wake up!! wake up in an outline and try to speak
with the shattered voice of the lives we lead...
have we slept too long
between the bullet holes in a stained-glass window state?

and we're praying
these are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope
(when we repent)
and we're praying
(we fall on the page, read in the margins)
we are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope

someday we'll be complete like modern saints
baptize our kids in gasoline
and hang our doubts up in cathedrals
so that they turn to faith in the colored sunlight

'red rain, red rain' we'll make
as we're blacking out in the center lane
(we swerve) to the beat, (spill) all the ink
(no revisions) do you hear the church bells ringing?

they ring for you.

we woke up this morning to a sky with no air in it
and all the streets are filled with a thousand burning crosses
and what we thought was the sunrise, just passing headlights
still the choir girls sing, 'oh lord, can you save us? oh lord, sing hallelujah'

they are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope...
we're falling asleep with open eyes
falling asleep inside the chapel
falling asleep in chalk outlines
falling asleep as the headlights pass us by...


there are a few things to notice
things i like

first is the gasoline baptism
what a beautiful picture
John baptized with water
what does that mean? my understanding has always been like a washing off of sin
you confess your dirtiness to God and he forgives you
the baptism is symbolic of what's going on
is that what baptism is today?

God changed things a bit
he baptizes us with the Holy Spirit it says
with himself
in Acts he came into our hearts
we use that phrase a lot
i like the way it says it in 'The Vision': we've had a blood transfusion with Jesus
that's what it means

he came upon them like fire!
why do we have cuddly happy baptisms
let us stop baptizing with water
and smiling at our friends about how happy it is
let us come to God ready for him to ignite us on fire
and let us spread this idea
to our friends
and one day to our children
why must we be "Christians"
why can't we be modern saints
modern Stephens
modern Peters
modern Pauls

see
so many are asleep
i would drop the word Christian if it was possible
Christians, as defined by the world today, are asleep
maybe in church, but very asleep
they disagree over every other thing
many go to church just once or twice a year
heck, many go to church every week
and are still asleep

wake up!! wake up!
the church bells ring for you
church bells were created to let the people around know that they needed to stop what they were doing
and come to church
come to God
can you hear them ringing for you?

or are you so distracted by school,
your girlfriend,
a cute boy,
your weight,
your friends,
your problems (as real as they may be),
video games,
sports,
marching band,
that you don't even realize that they are ringing?

and
when you do hear
and you are stunned
and you vow to not go back to sleep...
do you lay in bed just one more minute
and fall back asleep in its warmth and comfort?

i see that happening all around me
i do it too i know
how sad

just because you're eyes are open and you're alive
doesn't mean you are awake
are you falling asleep, in a chalk outline?
are you in the church, but still sleeping?

wake up