parallel

broken open
humbled

in a hole
not at the bottom, but falling

i don't grab for anything
because there's nothing to grab

i'm trying
i'm trying
but trying is never good enough
and i don't know how to stop trying

inherent flaw
i don't know where from
it always has been
gnawing flaw

flaw leading to humility
only shameful humility

do i not know how to love?
or am i just a poor lover?
or do i just make mistakes

wall between us

if you forgive
i cannot accept
because trying isn't good enough

if you don't
i wither and toss and turn

stormy waves inside me
and i'm seasick

love

i know i need you
i need to love you, lord
i love to see you, but it's been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?

now you've pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still i'm afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
lord, i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?

i hear you say:
my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you question 'is this for real?'
the times you're broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
i'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
i'm there through your heartache
i'm there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i don't care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends,
it never ends

(times by tenth avenue north)

preparation

as i struggle through a difficult week or two...

that is,
difficult in many ways:
school, work, God, life in general...
you get the idea.

as i struggle through a difficult week, i cannot help but think over and over about the future.
about my wife and my children especially.
(both of which i at least imagine having one day)

and i cannot help but think about how
good
i want to be for them.

about how i want to be a good leader, and a good lover, and a good example, and so on...

and as i struggle through a difficult week...
i see how i am not this man.

it drives me nuts.
it has been driving me nuts for the last many months really, but its times like this that it really comes out.

and don't misunderstand me...
i don't expect myself to be the perfect man.
well... at least i try not to expect that. :)

i realize that i need to focus on being faithful to God.
and faithful to them.
and that he will take care of the rest...

but
i desire to be as good as i can for them.
God will use me, no matter whether i am weak or strong.
but for his sake and theirs...
i want to be stronger.

not a man barely clinging to God, and holding them back.
but a man boldly leading them and loving them as best as God makes it possible.

see?

and as i struggle through a difficult week,
i cannot help but be frustrated by how
weak
and unprepared
i am.

how will i ever become that?


...i also know i should not dwell on the future.
two things are important:
now.
and eternity.

as i struggle through a difficult week,
like this,
how do i love and lead the people who are around me
now?

this is what is important...

i'm sorry i'm not doing a good job of this folks.
most of you don't even know it.
i apologize anyways.

i'm...
trying to try harder...

...well...
i'm in the middle of a lab report and it's already 3:30 in the morning. so i'm going to go back to it now.

i think that's all...
my head has been a mess..
so while this little glob of thoughts made sense for a few moments i had to get it out.
:)

hidden

presently, i'm awfully emotional.

i haven't figured out why yet.
heck, there might not even be a reason.

i think maybe i hide it.
but then again, maybe i'm not so transparent as i think.

i like to think i'm a person with nothing to hide.
but i'm reminded that's far from true.

which is sad.

i wish it were true.

though...
maybe i'm not hiding because i'm afraid...

maybe it's just because i don't know what i'm hiding.

or maybe it's just because it's not fair for other people to deal with it.

i think i want pity.
though i frown at myself for that.
why so selfish?

how can i know this or that SO well,
and not feel it in my heart?


i want to be completely open
for every part of me to be seen.
every secret.
every feeling.

though...
maybe i want it for a good reason for a second or two...
but then suddenly it's just because i want attention.


then...
i want to hide.
everything.
who i am, what i've done, how i feel.
all of it.

because...
if i'm going to be so selfish,
i'll just starve myself from attention.

but this doesn't work well,
and the desire to be cracked open doesn't leave.
i'm hungry for encouragement.

truth is, i think i don't have the slightest idea how to deal with a lot of things.
all i know how to do is bury them.

until i explode
and look for comfort in a thousand things
then find God when they fail me
then forget it all.

forget it.

i'm so good at forgetting.
especially the things that shouldn't be forgotten.


i am lonely.
but i won't let myself be held.

i want to cry to someone.
but nobody will come to me.

and i have a feeling that's not what i need anyways.

it's like starving yourself because all you have is junk food.


if any of that made sense to you, then i'm impressed. :)
if you think you put all the puzzle pieces together and it made something...
then you're either crazy. because that was straight out of an ADD heart.
or else you're a genious. you should grow up and be a psychologist and help me make sense of myself.

basically what all of this says is...
what in the world is going on?

time

i don't understand...
how are some people so good at it?

i have too many priorities
and not enough time.


and why the heck don't i know how to let myself rest and be comforted?


i'm always either completely selfish
or completely selfless.

:(
gag
sorry,
i'm tired :)

broke

"Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer."
why's that so hard?

it's so difficult to have a soft heart
and be tough
at the same time.

stupid, silly things make me crumble inside and out.
but then i have to fight hard to crack open the door just a little bit to let in the things that are truly incredible.

i want to be a hero, and a warrior, and a friend, and a brother, and a man.
but i can't imagine how to get there.
and with every attempt i just get pushed back harder.

and every time i try to just
be.
and to allow God to make me become...
i end up thinking about myself and waiting for him to do everything.
forgetting the gift's price.


what do i do?
and where do i find comfort?

...questions i've always known the answer to.
yet still can't seem to answer.

because i'm too scared
and too tired
to attempt the swim
from my little, bobbing wooden plank
to that ship
again.


in the meantime,
i just feel like a soldier without a gun.
a beast without a beauty.
a farmer in a drought.
an athlete with a sprained ankle.

and a simple scream for help doesn't fix it.

singleness anniversary

ha
of course.

i'd completely forgotten

how strange...
what is it about this day that he enjoys attacking me so much?

grr

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(romans 8:26)

dry

honestly...
things have been pretty dry lately.

i dunno why

i wonder if it appears that way?

other people can bring me to life.
encourage me.
comfort me.
spur me on.

but alone...
alone i can look so dead sometimes,
from the way i see it.

i can feel so...
lazy.
things can seem so pointless.

and God feels like more of...
a thought,
a memory even.

i'm starving
but i have no appetite.

i hate it.

desperation

I'm Not Alright
Sanctus Real
If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of,
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune-I only wanna be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
and when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
Because honestly, I'm not that strong

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all i go through - it leads me to you, it leads me to you

(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved)

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all I go through leads me to you, leads me to you

I'm not alright - I'm not alright - I'm not alright
Thats why I need you

Captain I'm Fine And Thanks For Everything
Right Away, Great Captain
(I've added some punctuation though.)
captains glory-
the trumpets will sound.
I'm unfamiliar;
you're under the ground.
and i tried crying...
but strength was unveiled.
you left us you bastard...
you left us to sail.

and i won't, let you down.
no i won't, let you down.

and in the winters
i need you around.
i still feel sorrow
and i still write it down.
and my children there's just fine;
they'd of loved you, you know.
there fathers a captain
with a beard just like you.

and i won't, let you down
no i won't, let you down

Don't Kid Yourself, You Need a Physician
Anathalo
"In my room, in my room,
In this gospel I have made,
Salvation is a broken cistern in a handmade frame."

Some stuff from Band of Brothers...
2nd Lt. George Rice: Looks like you guys are going to be surrounded.
Richard Winters: We're paratroopers, Lieutenant, we're supposed to be surrounded.

Ronald Spiers: We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead.

Some good quotes to think about...
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dirty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
T.E. Lawrence

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

after waking

so i got Braveheart for Christmas and finally got around to watching it tonight.

and like every time i watch it
i see something new or fresh

earlier this month (while i was supposed to be studying for finals) i wrote a bit about my favorite scene
"he wakes" was the name of it i believe

...that really did mean a lot to me
the first time i noticed it was...
last november I think
maybe october
not long after Megan and i split up

i was rereading Wild at Heart around then too

see i realized the trap that i had been in
it took me a bit longer than Wallace to realize i was dreaming
caught up with wanting something that i couldn't have

we all have those things
we all dream something up
something we think will satisfy
whether we realize it or not

well God pointed it out to me.
pointed out the way i was depending
on a girl in this case.
i place this dependence in many things besides him
(for me i suppose girls are just one of the easier to do that with)

so then what?
i fought to wake up
as i was saying in that earlier post

and i've done it i'd say
so far as the girl mess is concerned

ha
and i've been so impressed with myself much of the time...
and so pleased...

that i forgot about the real fighting that needs to be done now

poems

one of my poems i reread tonight and wanted to share.
i didn't name at the time.
it's sad
awful really
but separated from the second half of the story...
it is very very true
and real

They are...
tired.
Tired of thee apparent machine
that chews them up
crunches every resolve
chains their hearts.
And tired of failing to unlock them.

They are...
scary.
Each a portfolio of child-drawn
monsters and aliens:
A new hideous sketch every time,
to highlight every disgusting characteristic.

They are...
plural.
Everywhere you look, surrounding you,
In plain sight,
And in the smallest of dark corners.
Filling oceans with tears, because.....

They are...
alone.
Every single one cut off.
From each other. From every other.
From hope.
Every whispered plea either
fearfully ignored or faithlessly forgotten.


and just for your enjoyment
a poem i wrote about two years ago, in the style of William Carlos Williams
only the artistic types such as myself seem to understand and enjoy it.

the
green
pencil sharpener

meaning of life

well, there's a lot that i could say now
maybe i can tie it up into one thing
warning, it may be long

first a song by classic crime

who needs air

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.
{if only we desired to dance on the ashes of our plans more often}

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don't need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me. {that hurts usually...}
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don't need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild. {oh yes God, please}
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise. {...who am i then?}

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you've got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

[I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life
and give up the air that you breathe.
You don't need anything.]
{He means besides what he's got. Besides the Air of Life.}


That makes me excited.
Things like that tend to.
I read The Vision the other day and it made me cry.

Maybe you're a girl or something and you do that too often. and that's a bad thing to you.
But for me it's a good thing. it doesn't happen enough.

Anyways

But then I have to go and discourage myself.

I guess the biggest thing that discourages me is when I start trying to breathe air again. Instead of God.

But I just never see it coming until it's happened!

or maybe that's just an excuse...
i dunno

Will we ever get things right?

I mean, you're supposed to give yourself to God right?
And he works on you, making you better

But I'll never be perfect!
It seems idiotic.

It's like God's trying so hard to do something that will never happen.

It's not all God though.
My effort goes in here somewhere... right?

Again, I get discouraged
because most of the time as soon as I try harder
and put effort into doing things right
i fail

I suppose that's because... I can't do things right without God

But then we're back where we started!!

argh...

But then I realize...

i guess...
that...

That's the idea.

I never will deserve God's love.
He doesn't ask that I reach some level.
And then it's all good.

Nonono

I am eternally screwed.

And yet...
eternally loved away from death by God.
he loves me... anyways

Do you see how deep our debt is?
It's infinite.

Oh no! more discouragement
i'm so in debt!

but... he doesn't ask that we pay it back...?
(thats good, i can't...)

He just wants us to receive it.
it is... a gift i suppose

Imagine your parents gave you something that incredible for Christmas.

And now good ol' five iron
this is the thought process i've been through in all this.
my thought process every time I have to teach myself what life is.

every new day

When I was young, the smallest trick of light, Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day, I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for, And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar, {i used to be that way... But wait... maybe I still am, and I just can't see it.... read my xanga for today}

I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears, Watered Heaven with their tears,
{oh God help me}

Before words were spoken, Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you, Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher, Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach, reach, was not so high,
then, I thought the world was so much smaller, feeling I, could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies, behind infinity,
below the face of Heaven, he stoops to create me. {again, praise God}

{discouraged. again.}
Man versus himself. Man versus machine. Man versus the world. mankind versus me.
The struggles go on, the wisdom I lack,
the burdens keep piling up on my back.
So hard to breathe, to take the next step.
The mountains is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace, and hoping for peace.
Dear God... increase.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here’s my heart, let it be forever Your’s,
only you can make every new day seem so new.
{that means more than... when i wake up in the morning God makes me happy}

only you can make every new day seem so new.

(EVIL GRIN)
I leave you with an absolutely horrible
and absolutely beautiful thing I just thought of.

here is the Matlab code of God (sorry i go to Tech)
______________________
your_glory=false %I suck
your_worth=0 %therefore I'm worth nothing

Gods_love=true %but God loves me?

while Gods_love==true
your_worth= your_worth +1 %he gives me worth?
end
______________________

(by the way that just means we have no worth
but then God loves us
and gives us worth.
But there's a mistake in the code. [there must be!, we shout]
at some point after "while" Gods_love should =false.
Or else the code loops forever...)

This would give your computer an error.
It can't handle the numbers. They're too big.

Apparently God can do it.

Crazy.

So

Go
and live like God makes you worth something.
Because is trying so hard to.