myers-briggs

my my... it has been quite a while.

erin posted the other day about her myers-briggs personality type, and for some reason i was in the mood to do the same.

generally i'm skeptical of personality evaluations. i feel like most of the time they tell you exactly what you tell them. then again, i suppose it's not uncommon for us to see small truths about ourselves but not how they all fit together?

anyways, i went to the link she posted and checked it out.

after a little bit of reflection and listening to what others think...
i have decided that i am an INTP- the "thinker".

i definitely agree that i am introverted.

after rob's explanation i can see my intuitive side. things usually either make sense to me or they don't. when they don't, no amount of teaching changes that... until it just... clicks.

and now that i understand the 4th letter, i'm definitely a perceiver. while i do enjoy the peace when things go according to a plan or system, i'm usually quite content to go with the flow- often getting things done last minute.

i had the hardest time with the thinker/feeler bit (which is super ironic, because my personality type is "thinker"). in the end i have decided that i am primarily a thinker. even when i take feelings into account i don't completely disregard logic... i just include them in my reasoning. feelings do carry some weight i think. but... i suppose the "i think" right there reveals the truth :) however, i also think that i have a bigger feeling side than the average thinker.

erin and i were talking... i definitely think some of the things i disagree with are because Jesus has a sway on those points of my personality, which makes them different from the norm.

so anyways, here's what the website had to say about my personality type. i put the parts i disagreed with in blue and the parts i particularly agreed with in orange.


the thinker (INTP)

As an INTP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations. They seek clarity in everything, and are therefore driven to build knowledge. They are the "absent-minded professors", who highly value intelligence and the ability to apply logic to theories to find solutions. They typically are so strongly driven to turn problems into logical explanations, that they live much of their lives within their own heads, and may not place as much importance or value on the external world. Their natural drive to turn theories into concrete understanding may turn into a feeling of personal responsibility to solve theoretical problems, and help society move towards a higher understanding.

INTPs value knowledge above all else. Their minds are constantly working to generate new theories, or to prove or disprove existing theories. They approach problems and theories with enthusiasm and skepticism, ignoring existing rules and opinions and defining their own approach to the resolution. They seek patterns and logical explanations for anything that interests them. They're usually extremely bright, and able to be objectively critical in their analysis. They love new ideas, and become very excited over abstractions and theories. They love to discuss these concepts with others. They may seem "dreamy" and distant to others, because they spend a lot of time inside their minds musing over theories. They hate to work on routine things - they would much prefer to build complex theoretical solutions, and leave the implementation of the system to others. They are intensely interested in theory, and will put forth tremendous amounts of time and energy into finding a solution to a problem with has piqued their interest.

INTPs do not like to lead or control people. They're very tolerant and flexible in most situations, unless one of their firmly held beliefs has been violated or challenged, in which case they may take a very rigid stance. The INTP is likely to be very shy when it comes to meeting new people. On the other hand, the INTP is very self-confident and gregarious around people they know well, or when discussing theories which they fully understand.

The INTP has no understanding or value for decisions made on the basis of personal subjectivity or feelings. They strive constantly to achieve logical conclusions to problems, and don't understand the importance or relevance of applying subjective emotional considerations to decisions. For this reason, INTPs are usually not in-tune with how people are feeling, and are not naturally well-equiped to meet the emotional needs of others.

The INTP may have a problem with self-aggrandizement and social rebellion, which will interfere with their creative potential. Since their Feeling side is their least developed trait, the INTP may have difficulty giving the warmth and support that is sometimes necessary in intimate relationships. If the INTP doesn't realize the value of attending to other people's feelings, he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others. If the INTP is not able to find a place for themself which supports the use of their strongest abilities, they may become generally negative and cynical. If the INTP has not developed their Sensing side sufficiently, they may become unaware of their environment, and exhibit weakness in performing maintenance-type tasks, such as bill-paying and dressing appropriately.

For the INTP, it is extremely important that ideas and facts are expressed correctly and succinctly. They are likely to express themselves in what they believe to be absolute truths. Sometimes, their well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others, but the INTP is not naturally likely to tailor the truth so as to explain it in an understandable way to others. The INTP may be prone to abandoning a project once they have figured it out, moving on to the next thing. It's important that the INTP place importance on expressing their developed theories in understandable ways. In the end, an amazing discovery means nothing if you are the only person who understands it.

The INTP is usually very independent, unconventional, and original. They are not likely to place much value on traditional goals such as popularity and security. They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental. They are strongly ingenious, and have unconventional thought patterns which allows them to analyze ideas in new ways. Consequently, a lot of scientific breakthroughs in the world have been made by the INTP.

The INTP is at his best when he can work on his theories independently. When given an environment which supports his creative genius and possible eccentricity, the INTP can accomplish truly remarkable things. These are the pioneers of new thoughts in our society.

strengths:
-They feel love and affection for those close to them which is almost childlike in its purity
-Generally laid-back and easy-going, willing to defer to their mates
-Approach things which interest them very enthusiastically
-Richly imaginative and creative
-Do not feel personally threatened by conflict or criticism
-Usually are not demanding, with simple daily needs


so that's that.
well... then i started looking through the INFP personality... "the idealist", and found some things in there which i felt really applied to me. (not a lot... but some) so i wanted to mention those as well...


-INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always (i would say "often" for me) approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong.

-Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people.

-INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause.

best friend

i wish my best friend were here...

happenings

hmm
haven't written much in a while.
and the last (two) were really just for fun.

on friday...

david, erin, chelsea, and i won a lottery thing and got cheap tickets to Wicked.
it was great. :)
i haven't been to anything theatrical in a while. it was nice.
and a very entertaining play. i like how it fits into Wizard of Oz.
and i like how friendship is the main theme. there aren't enough stories about friendship.

then i put in braveheart at 1am, planning on watching just the beginning.
but i guess i was too tired to get up and turn it off, because we watched the whole thing...

on saturday...

i went with athelia and adell to a park downtown. my church was doing this... homeless outreach thing of sorts. and stephanie was part of it- a bunch of artists were drawing in the sidewalks. i hadn't seen her in too long. it was nice. especially to hear about what she did this summer... i helped support her, but hadn't really heard any details about how it went yet. it makes me so happy to see how God used a bit of my money.

i so look forward to having a job which gives me plenty of money, so that i can do neat things with it.

since we were late getting out to/back from the park, i missed the first half of our football game. when we returned i took a little nap and watched the end of the game. we didn't win well... but we won. and now tech is (a) ranked! and (b) the highest ranked team in the acc! :) that's exciting.

then i reminisced over five iron frenzy for a while.
and had a grilled cheese for lunch. i love having my own frying pan. it makes such yummy grilled cheese sandwiches.

in the evening was a swing dance, which was wonderful!
i haven't been swing dancing in months now.
and there were a bunch of girls there that i knew.
i've decided it's more fun for me to dance with people i know. i'm comfortable with grabbing any random girl and dancing. but i thoroughly enjoy being ridiculous, and trying to figure out old moves, and making up silly new ones, and laughing a lot. and this is simply more doable with friends. dancing with the girls who had never been before was nice, because (a) i felt free to keep it simple if i wanted and (b) dancing with an unconfident person makes you feel more confident. :) and carol (a nearby PL) was a lot of fun to dance with too- our skill level was well matched.

demyan, carol, erin, and chelsea came over afterward and watched... some old black and white movie from the 30s. one of those... dancing guy loves a girl, singing in the rain type movies. not braveheart. but i was very pleased with a lot of the humor. :)

on sunday...

i did almost nothing except... take a shower, eat, journal, eat, and go to church.

today...

i am happy and satisfied.

a song we sang at church meant a lot to me. particularly the chorus (which i put at the end). i remember loving it, but haven't heard it in a while.

Satisfied

All my life long, I had thirsted
For a drink from some cool spring,
That I hoped would quench the burning
Of the thirst I felt within.

Feeding on the filth around me,
Till my strength was almost gone,
Longed my soul for something better,
Only still to hunger on.

Poor I was, and sought for riches,
Something that would satisfy,
But the dust I gathered round me
Only mocked my soul's sad cry.

Well of water, ever springing,
Bread of life so rich and free,
Untold wealth that never faileth,
My Redeemer is to me.

Hallelujah! He has found me
The One my soul so long has craved!
Jesus satisfies all my longings
Through His blood I now am saved.

internet

for the last couple days i wrote down everything i did.
and without continuing i can already see where my time goes...

besides things like sleeping and eating,
and besides classes and homework,
most of my time is split between doing things with people and wasting time on the computer.

in an effort to have more time for homework and people and sleep i'm going to internet fast again.

usually i get on rather innocently to check messages or blogs or something. i don't normally intend to waste time.
but looking at the last couple days... if i touch my computer i'll be on it for at least half an hour. checking a few quick things shouldn't take that long.

basically for this week i'm strictly touching my computer for email and homework purposes only.

i feel like this is going to stress me out... but last time i did it, i felt great afterwards.
so i think it will be good. :)

questions

i really love friends.
especially the kind you can really talk to. and share secrets with. and laugh with. and depend on. and be encouraged by. and so on.


i saw someone else do this, and want to copy him...

ask me a question.
any question at all.
whether it's "what's your favorite color" or "what's your worst memory."
preferably not a yes/no question.
preferably one with a why or a how.
you're allowed more than one if you want.

and i'll answer it.
or try at least.
as long as i'm not breaking someone else's trust, basically.

hopefully it will be fun. :)

hilltop

hey guys

things have been pretty nuts lately

i moved back to school on sunday, august 3rd if you didn't hear.

i'm now a georgia tech peer leader (PL for short)
basically an RA
except exclusively for freshmen. and therefore our aim is not at all just to be the hall police, but rather to build a community. the main objective of the job is to help freshmen adjust to college and feel at home here.

we had training all last week. which was basically 12 hours a day minus meals and occasional down time between sessions. sometimes boring, sometimes exciting, sometimes useful. but anyways, its over now.
then on sunday we had a free/fun day.

of course up to this point, most free time has gone to preparing the hall and doing paperwork.

but it has been excellent!
PLs are generally pretty fun people i think. which makes sense because otherwise we would be less likely to be hired for the job.
and so becoming friends with these people i'll be working with has been an absolute joy.

there are 20 of us under our hall director, and most of them i can now call "friend."
they're all such beautiful people.
i just can't express how wonderful the time with them has been. :)

so that's exciting.

today was the first day that i could sleep in and do more rest/personal stuff than work in quite a while i feel.

it will be interesting to see how things balance out as the year starts.
this job that i have now is a big one. not in a bad way... it's perfect and i love it.
but it is big. between Navs, PLing, and school i think my plate will be very full...

i'll be learning a lot about managing time and priorities.
i'll be learning a lot about myself.
i'll be learning a lot about working with people.
i'll be learning how to come out of my introvert shell like never before.
i'll be learning how to show people love.
i'll have to learn how to depend on God more.

tomorrow the first small wave of freshmen move in. (a very small handful of band kids moved in today) and then starting thursday they'll be coming in droves. and of course that shoots right into school.

so this moment
now
is like being at the top of a hill in a wagon and getting ready for that one
tiny
push that will inch the wheels into motion.
into one crazy
scary
and exciting ride...

talking

i was just thinking about hanging out with people...

it's so troublesome!

i mean... you always have to DO things.
like eat
watch a movie
shop
get coffee
go to sport events
play a video game

you know what i mean?

am i the only one who gets tired of this?

don't get me wrong...
tonight i'm hopefully going to watch Narnia with people,
and i'm looking forward to it.

(anyone want to come over one afternoon/evening a week or two from now and watch Hook?!)

but to me
DOING things
gets pretty old pretty quickly.

it's the people that i'm interested in
not the things i do with them.

and often the DOING
distracts you from the person.


the reason all this was on my mind is because i started thinking about car rides.
i suppose because of riding to sharptop last weekend. and because my family's driving down to florida this weekend. but anyways

car rides are fantastic.
i decided they're probably one of the best ways to get to know a person.
the place where some of the best conversations happen.

you're just sitting there
strapped in
facing the same direction.

now sometimes you're worn out and need to sleep.
sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts.
and sometimes you really just want to listen to your own music.

but if you're going to interact with each other
basically all you can do is talk or listen to music together.
both of which are great.

you get to know them,
get to know yourself,
make the time memorable.

maybe you feel the same way :)


only problem
is that it's rather expensive to spend hours driving just as an excuse to hang out. :)

so
here's what it boils down to...

whoever you are,
if you ever want to...
go walking...
or even just come over to my house
and stare at the wall while we talk...
then please let me know.

there's possibly nothing i'd like more to do.

self-centeredness

so
i'm back to the working life now.

you know, it sure is easy to complain about it
just like complaining about school.

turns out complaining is just something we do or don't do.
it's not so much based on the circumstances.
you could be in one of the best situations ever sometimes and still find things to complain about because that's just what you're in the habit of doing.

i'm trying not to complain so much.
this summer, for starters.

trying not to have so many excuses.

i would come home last summer after a long day and tell myself i needed a break...
and i feel like i wasted so much time that could have been spent with my family or others.
or at least doing something meaningful or productive.

time to fix that

there's always so much to fix.
which is...
exciting :)

if only God was really always right in front of my eyes...


"I'm Not Ready" by Cool Hand Luke

Every time I read that story again
I wanna run and take the nails out
You remind me that those nails are mine
Once and for all to the end (Hebrews 9:26)

You were speaking to a group last night
You asked someone to lay their pride out
I turned to see who it could be
You were looking me dead in the eye

I’m not ready for this
I’m not ready yet
I’m not ready
For this ending
But it’s not over yet
I’ve been fighting against myself
And I’ve torn myself to pieces
I hear You calling, God, I hear You calling
“Stand up, stand up
And spend yourself for Jesus”

Too long have I been chained
I’m ready Jesus—set me free


"Things Like You" by Sanctus Real

Loving things like you has wrecked my life, made me cry
Loving things like you has made me lose my mind
And I can't figure out why I've been hanging on
To all these things I've tried to leave behind me for so long

And I think it's time to find a better way to live my life
Than loving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight

Everyone wants everyone else's everything
Some time's the more we have the less we really gain
I'm tired of life and all that money has to buy
Get out of my heart, out of my mind, leaving you behind

Loving things like you has left me bruised, black and blue
Loving things like you has made me so confused
And I can't figure out what I've been waiting on
God I can't be living for things I know are wrong

Now I think it's time to write a better chapter in my life
Leaving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight

Why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth?
Go and take a look at the flowers and the birds
God is always taking care of nature's every need
And how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
I said, how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
He sees everything

humility

in some ways i can be humble...
really.

but i realize more and more, especially lately, that i am incredibly proud.

i want to be humble like Jesus.

i want to be so humble that i don't have secrets.
so humble that i'm excited to proclaim every embarrassing fact about myself,
every stupid thing i do.
so humble that i don't get embarrassed.

i want to be so humble that i never think of myself as the best at anything.
and so humble that i would never take the time to pity myself for being bad at anything.

i want to be so humble that i can truly love other people.

i want to be so humble that i don't have to argue.
so humble that other people aren't able to upset me.

i want to be so humble that i never complain.
so humble that i never gripe about Georgia Tech.

i want to be so humble that i rejoice at the opportunity to let others help me in my weaknesses.

i want to be so humble that i truly acknowledge only God satisfies.
only God is worthy.

i want to be so humble that i would be a servant.
so humble that getting out of bed in the morning isn't a fight.

i want to be so humble that i always use my time for others before i take time for myself.

i want to be so humble that other people notice when they first meet me...
and so humble that i don't ever think that.

this week

hope your week was as great as mine!

i ate a red pickle
turns out that's a pickled plum

went swing dancing last night
by the end i was doing a decent job i think
even made up a thing or two of my own :)

today i went to Cody's
first we played a war game that i sucked at :)
then we played some cheap yet incredible awesome arcade-type game where you basically flew around in space above a planet and shot asteroids and aliens. A simple, old school game. Turns out those are still some of the best.

took some nice pictures

and got a job as a Peer Leader for next year. :)
(if you don't go to Tech, that's an RA for freshmen basically)
i'm quite excited about this.
i'll be somewhere in Freeman/Fitten/Montag. i'd originally hoped to be on east campus... but i've decided i'm quite okay with this now.
and I think my hall director is a Christian. which... will make it even better in many ways i think.


pray that I figure out what to do this summer in the next week...


I'm Not Running- Cool Hand Luke

For the message
Of the cross is
Foolishness
To those who are perishing
But to us
Being saved
It’s the power
Of God (I Corinthians 1:18)

There’s no turning back
Unless we’re turning back to you

I’m not running away from this
I’m not falling asleep
I’m not taking a bribe from anyone for anything
I’m not running away from this
I’m not falling asleep
I’m not turning back on the one thing that I know

We’re the foolish
We’re the weak ones
We’re the lowly
And despised things that are not
God will take us
He will shape us
He will make us
Nullify the things that are (I Corinthians 1:27-28)
There’s no turning back
Unless we’re turning back to you

I have given up on breathing and all I need is You
I am never going down for air again

people and christmas and reading

sorry i haven't written in a while dear Readers :)

i wanted to write many times during finals week so badly
but i was as studious as possible

and Christmas break, while full of "free time," has been slowly eaten away. between spending time with people, reading, and sleeping, i've had little other time

"spending time with people" is my favorite thing to do
Jon got Rock Band for Christmas. my brothers and I made a band. pretty much we're pretty big on the music scene these days. that was fun.
Reece, Nathan, and Jason came over last week. watched a sweet movie (Pan's Labyrinth) and talked a lot. and played with Nathan's iPhone. ^_^ we didn't fall asleep until like 6:30 the next morning. haven't done that in too long.
went and had coffee with Kate. just talking about all sorts of things. that's fun.
stayed up last night a little bit. had a sleepover in Jake's room. playing Oblivion.
hopefully going to Digger's tomorrow night for trivia?
and so on
it's the perfect way to spend time

Christmas
my favorite Christmas present was encouragement from God.

i was reminded how much he loves me.
he told me over and over again.

and he asked me to respond to this...
you can look on your own at what he said: John 21:15-19

And he also reminded me of these things...

2 Samuel 22, especially:

33 It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

34 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.

35 He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

along with Judges 6:12...

"The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

other Christmas presents include...
new bike
german bible
airsoft pistol
new Falling Up cd
4x4x4 rubik's cube
a cool necklace
journal
Braveheart
a book- The Cost of Discipleship

i've been reading that book already actually. i'm about halfway through. borrowed it from Sterling. but i wanted my own copy.
i'll talk about it when i'm done reading it. it's good.

i also started reading a book called unChristian. about the way our culture/generation views Christianity. very interesting.

i read Prince Caspian on the way up to north carolina. i love Narnia. :)

i also read Redeeming Love. an incredible book. more on this later too i suppose.

for now i'm busy spending time with people
and this is distracting :)
and i'm sleepy :)

patience

God grant me peace...

i've had so much studying and german essay writing to do this weekend...

i'm not in the mood
but "do everything without arguing or complaining," right? :)

oh wow
this font's parenthesis are perfect for smilies
anyways

what i have been in the mood to do is be with people
talk to people
love people
teach people

people at school who i don't have much time left to be with for a full month
and people at home who i'm overjoyed to spend time with soon now

i'm looking forward to the break so very much

and yet
i'm stuck
here

studying for exams
and writing this darn essay

i'm doing a rather awful job of it too

there are more productive forms of procrastination :)
like spending time with God randomly
or walking back all the way to campus after church to spend time with people
or reading the Bible in german

and less productive forms
like facebook
or wookiepedia (probably my favorite website by the way, you can go there when you're done reading this)
...I was about to model a 3D lightsaber on the computer...

but I'm always drawn back to the fact that...
I do indeed need to be studying

i'm tired of it
i'm ready for the semester to be over

however
this
is where God has me.
this is where i need to be now

we need to learn how to do what he says when he says it
we christians want him to be in control
and yet when he tells us what to do so plainly but we don't like it... we're quick to forget that we asked this upon ourselves :)

i for one need patience
to keep my head in the game.
to keep my priorities in line with God's desires
and not my own.

okay so...
time to stop procrastinating again ;)

discipleship

i think the world has a serious lack of people for us to look up to and be encouraged by.
not enough real fathers (mothers) and brothers (sisters) and teachers.
the kind whose wisdom and confidence you respect and admire.

there's a beautiful story (in Wild at Heart I think. if you know tell me, i've been wondering about it) about a group of men during World War 2. paratroopers on D-day I believe. they come up to a house occupied by germans.
and they don't know what to do!
they went through basic training, they could fire their guns, they knew how to fight.
but when they were thrown into the reality of it, knowledge, and even ability, didn't help so much.
they were scared. they had never been in such a situation before.
like coming up to a math problem that... you have the ability to do. but you just don't know how to put your knowledge together to work out this particular one.

well, then another group of men come up, led by a veteran.
he asks why they aren't attacking. and then understands.

he doesn't get mad or discourage them. they've never done this before.
but it's a war. they can't be "children" forever...

he says two things
first: "watch."

he then signals for his men to surround the house.
a few grenades and gunshots later...
they have taken the house.

then he returns to the first group...
second: "you can do that. now go do it."

i love this story.
we need people in our lives to
teach us how to "take houses."
men who convince us we can do it too.
men who encourage and inspire us to go do it.
and i'll add one more...
men who enable us to teach others how.

i'm thankful that I have a few of those.
i think most people don't.

i want to be that for people. i hope God teaches me how to be a leader like that. one who is looked up to, who is an inspiration, who is a teacher.
goodness, only he can do that with me.

random things

goodness
long week
just been living it a day at a time

a few random things


i've been told something like this by two different people in the last... 2 months, i guess

"You're safe to be around because you don't demand much. People around you can often expect to be challenged, since you're willing to hold them to high standards, but you're sensitive to their weak spots and you'll support them when they're broken."

interesting

i wonder if people who don't know me well feel that way around/about me?
(whether they realize it or not)

finding a balance of challenging and understanding is tough


at the beginning of Thanksgiving break I went to a concert with my brother
mewithoutYou, Thrice, and Brand New

goodness
people worship their bands
or their music
or their lifestyle associated with their music
or just going to such concerts

it made me sad that they value something so... shallow?
something so...
lame, to be honest
compared to God :)

and on the other side it made me excited about my God
how big he is
and i don't mean in size really
when you see people absolutely adoring a man on a stage
and think of a moment that you were absolutely worshiping God
...
that man sure does seem very... human
weak, small, insignificant

yes that's the word
God is significant

"significant" doesn't begin to describe the significance, of course
but trying any harder...
maybe writing it in all caps, bold, italics, the biggest font
maybe adding some adverbs like really or super
would just be foolish
i'm just going to call him significant
and leave it at that

the slightly larger font is just to make it grab your attention, by the way
if i mess with the size or font of a word then pay attention
there's generally something important about it
(not to say the others aren't)

meaningful

wow
so you know that thing i posted the other day? (via xanga)
poem i guess you could call it
well maybe it was a week now

i was looking through the stuff i wrote that month
after megan and i broke up
it's beautiful
often very depressing and sad at times
but straight from the heart
and beautiful language
my heart was in it
it was passionate

i wish i could always write that way...

i think i'll probably stop writing so much just about "how my day went"
and more on my thoughts
the meaningful ones

here's a good rule of thumb maybe...
if there's a good title for the post, then it's meaningful
i think that pretty much holds true
the title should be the heart behind it
if it has no such point... then it was point-less

okay, that was on the verge of pointless

sadly, i must write a bit about this
because
i decided to write on blogspot
and all firsts have to have stuff like this discussed

for now i'll copy them to xanga
but if it gets annoying i'll have to stop

i've been thinking about many things lately
God's been teaching me about how my identity comes from him, and how to him I'm something to be loved.
more specifically... how i am his bride
i'm not just loved
i'm loved
like that

but that's not why i'm writing now
(it's also not... entirely... because i'm supposed to be studying now...)

People have also been on my heart
relationships with them
close ones
meaningful ones

one thing
is how precious my time at home is
the people there...
i hope that our relationships are meaningful to as many as possible

what does that mean?

i hope they learn from me
i hope they listen
i hope they know that i listen
and care
i hope they feel loved
because they are

seems like i've read on both Keith and Brother's blogs about depth in relationships
meaning
how... so often
especially between guys
it's just...
not

i'm still trying to learn how to do this
i'm thinking this year will help a lot

even my friendships here at college don't go to deep

i like talking to girls
that usually causes problems i've seen
not that talking to girls isn't good
it's just...
that thing i wrote last week
"guys: learn to share your heart with each other before sharing it with a girl"
same goes for girls

i want to share my heart with men
i don't entirely understand why it works that way... and that's getting off topic
but it's truth

i want to come home
and share my heart with people there

i hope they see how beautiful it is
and how beautiful theirs is

men:
i hope they figure out that it's not weird to share your heart
it's rather manly actually

i hope i can be a bit of a father
so they can figure out how to be a father
our world needs fathers more than anything else besides God
so they can receive the wisdom that i've been given

i hope i can be a brother
to encourage
not in sports, or school,
or any kind of encouragement that is intended to make them feel better inside

to encourage towards Christ

i want to experience the thrill of men opening they hearts to each other and God

women:
i want you to know from me that you are beautiful and loved
by God
i want you to see it and feel it and know it through our relationship

i want you to understand that my eyes are on God
not you
and i want your eyes to be on him
not a guy

i want to be an inspiration and leader to you

back to everyone...
i'm sick of being the guy who lets people come to me
who waits from somebody to ask
before i tell who i am

it's just like me/us to write about this isn't it?
to blog about how we wish our relationships were closer and more real

you know?
i think maybe i'm gonna do something about it

(some mewithoutYou to dwell on, with emphasis)
find a friend
and stay
close.

and with
a melting
heart

tell them whatever you're
most
ashamed of.

our parents have made
so many
mistakes...

but may we forgive them

and forgive ourselves

patience

more about friends...

how awful it is when a friend just
isn't being a friend to you

how tragic it is to lose a friend

i fear that in my life i've lost two best friends
and many other friends
in my life

whether it was because we just went different ways
or we were part of different groups
or whatever

the worst however
is when a friend changes.
and just... isn't
a friend anymore

i don't understand it

see one person in particular is on my heart
i love this person to death

but it feels like a lost cause!

like falling in love with a girl you know will never return the love

it's just friendship instead of romance

it hurts

oh yes it hurts
and it's half driving me crazy

i've no clue what insanity it would lead me to if God didn't keep my eyes on himself

how does this happen?
it doesn't make sense
why have you shut yourself off from me?
what did I do?


how can i be a friend back?
friendships take effort from both sides

i suppose it's not a friendship anymore?

maybe i'm just overdramatic

the thing is
this person needs my friend-love
so badly

i am humbled

because you see
i nearly don't want to give it

i want to say
fine.
goodbye.
see how you do without me.


but God says not to do that?

it's easy to love those who love you
and actually
i think it's not too hard to love those who hate you, much of the time

but how hard it is to love the people in between
who just don't get it

i'm nearly sick of the burden
and sick of praying for somebody who doesn't want it

but if i give that up
i am nothing

precious time

don't waste one minute
when you are around people

one day they probably won't be there anymore
one day all the influence you had on them will prove itself
one day they will be too far away to hear your words

and then...
then everything hangs upon what you did
while you were still together

see this weekend i got to spend time with people back home
i was so busy!
because there was always somebody to be doing something with

certainly i had to make time to be alone
to be by myself

but this past week i realized that...
i have been friends with (and even simply known)
so many people.

what did that matter?

it's interesting to see who i've had an impact on and who i haven't

i've been thinking about how...
there were all those people
and now they're out there on their own
like i was their parent, and now they're grown up
only... not a parent
but a friend

i'm not there anymore to tell them if something's wrong.
the thing that kills me most i think
is how i'm not there to encourage them

i can go home for the weekend
and talk to people there
but now i'm back at school

clearly this is where God wants me at
and i'm okay with that
but i still love the people i've...
left behind or parted from

and i miss them
(or depending on who you are)
i miss you

i wanted to go to the student leadership meeting
to tell them the things i think should be fixed
to laugh with them
to encourage them

but it's not...
my youth group anymore

it's hard to let go of

same thing with single friends

i got to spend some time with...
my brother, for example
and i can love him
and have fun with him
and encourage him

but now...
i'm not there with him anymore

when i go to.. church for example
i feel like I'm on a mission
to find certain people that i know
and talk to them
see what's going on with them

i spent some time with one person in particular
and it was nice
i hope it helped
But...

here i am
at school

then there are my friends who have also left home
who have dispersed across the state and country
i love them
but i hardly get to see them now

ANYWAYS

what i'm getting at
is...

what did i mean to those people?

because...
now the influence i have on them is so limited
i'm not there every day, every week

and it's not that at some point i controlled their lives
like some overprotective parent

but God used me to do something in those people

did i use my time wisely?

how much more could God have done with me if i realized how precious my time with them was?

people and friends aren't just problems to solve
"things" to "work on"

don't get the wrong idea

it's just that...
i sort of realized what it's like to be... a parent
what it's like to see the people that you invested so much in...
on their own

they have to make their own mistakes
figure things out without me there

everyone is quite capable of that ^_^
i don't claim to be mr. fix-it

but i wish i could be there to help everybody along

and i can't be

time is up

Do I,
Do you
love people
like time is running out?