commitment

hey
this is my 100th post on blogspot.
cool :)

this morning i went to ihop
(international house of prayer, that is)
and it was fantastic.

it's great how God meets you when you come to him.

i feel like i've been avoiding him some.
i'm glad to have this month of freedom to correct that
though i was starting to get worried i would waste the opportunity
because i'm stupid.
i've been so selfish
and have had a hard time seeing past it even when i want to.
i was literally shouting to God in the car the other day that i'm tired of being selfish.

but i just have to remember
when i take one step toward God
he will come the rest of the way.

if i can be committed to taking a step each day
he will come to me.

victories

again, sorry for the dry spell...
though i won't say anymore, because it's just lame if i start every post groveling :)

if you know me really well, then you probably know a bit about the way i've struggled with porn and whatnot during my life thus far.

and i have to admit, having my own room this year has made it difficult.

but God is reminding me over and over to have hope for the day when he makes all things new. he is reminding me that my spirit is a new creation already! and he is reminding me that because of this we can know each other, be with each other, interact with each other- be friends, father/son, king/servant, shepherd/sheep, lover/bride, etc. (and that is what he desires more than anything)

so for now... i'm not perfect.
my "flesh" (as the bible calls it) is not perfect.
but God is renewing me each day on the inside.
and it will creep its way out fully one day...

and it's not something i have to sit and wait for...
it's starting to happen already!
even as i type this, the new creation is spreading outward from my spirit.

God's reminders and encouragement has pushed me a bit...
urged me to not just sit by and wait.
he has given me hope for what i will be. for what we will be and what we are becoming.

and he is renewing my faith.
more times than i can count i have promised God to make changes and promised God i'll have faith that he can help me make those changes.
and i have failed God more times than i can count (particularly sexually, like i was saying...)
such promises and failure can crush faith...
but God is renewing it.

and it's great :)


anyways, all of that is pretty.... internal. sounds like a bunch of... theory. spiritual talk.
but... it's also real.

for the first time, i feel like i have finally learned how to be held accountable to a brother. it's so hard. and so good. that's a wall God has been trying to tear down for years... i don't know why i have been so hesitant to trust in such a way... but anyways... i'm finally truly learning how to do it fully i feel. and it's magnificent!

also, (again, particularly in regards to sexual sin) i have decided to make a more drastic step than i have ever made and use an internet filter.
it's... humbling for one. it's not easy to admit that it just might possibly be a good idea.
it's frustrating too... it won't even let me do a freaking normal google image search. sooo inconvenient...
it costs money.
but it's all worth it i think. it's what God was calling me to anyways.

guys,
i'm not perfect.
most of the time i feel like i'm juggling everything in my life.
and dropping most of it.

but God calls me his son. his beloved. his servant. his friend.
he calls me new. he calls me "mighty warrior."

though i am not, he calls me as though i were.
and therefore, i am.

even when i don't feel like it...
i lack nothing.
life is good :)
(even when i don't feel it!)


i've discovered something awesome.
i'm calling it bro time with Jesus, unless a better name comes to mind.
it basically consists of...
first getting away from other people, somewhere quiet and mostly dark. (like in my room at night, with a lamp on)
then obtaining an ibc rootbeer.
then getting comfortable, drinking the rootbeer, and spending time with Jesus (mainly talking and listening).

it's awesome.
and i'm gonna go have one before i go to sleep...

soldier

...great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble...
"i wait for your salvation, o Lord, and i follow your commands..."

the dark knight

holy COW

the new batman movie is incredible!
it's one of the best movies i've ever seen...

...for lots of reasons
though for now i'd like to talk about the depth and meaning and symbolism that i saw in it.
some at least... it was impossible to soak it all in.
(i'm pretty sure i wrote this in a way that doesn't spoil anything, so no worries)


a major theme is chaos

what do you do when the plan falls apart?
when nothing makes sense?
when you're lost?
when you're hopeless or afraid or desperate?
when you're being attacked or hurt or threatened?

the 'good guys' have a hope
they believe dawn is coming.
and this is what they cling to.

but they definitely find out that the night is darkest before dawn.
and that enduring through the chaos isn't easy.
especially when they realize that enduring sometimes means letting go of the things most precious to them.

the truth is...
chaos will take from you.

and we are all left with a choice.
you can either remember the hope you had in the beginning
and endure.
or you can let it take you as well.

you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. for you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. when Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. (Colossians 3:2-4)

"all along-
thought I was learning how to take
how to bend not how to break
how to live not how to cry
but really
i've been learning how to die"


metaphorically speaking:
gothams will always need batmen:
heros who die [to self].

if you go too long without dieing...
your second face will show.

response to failure

i've never paid much attention to the end of the Bathsheba ordeal. (2 Samuel 12)
you hear about the big time David screwed up,
and how Nathan came and pointed it out,
and perhaps how it caused a lot of problems.

but it sort of has a good ending.
certainly one to learn from.

first he confesses his sin.
brings it out. admits guilt.
this is where we have to start.

then spends time grieving the outcome.
taking it in, and asking for mercy and forgiveness.
we have to understand the weight of what we've done, i think.

and once that's over
it's over
David surprises his servants by suddenly acting normal again out of nowhere.
when God has made up his mind, when the punishment is set and when his love is poured out...
that's it.
it's finished.

time to move on.
how does he do this?
he got up from the ground.
he washed off and changed clothes.
he went to the house of the Lord (into God's presence) and worshipped.
then he went home and ate.

first he stopped asking for mercy and apologizing.
then took off his old self, got himself clean, and put on something new.
then went back to God... to worship! (that is the hardest part for me i think)

first he dealt with God.
then, he does a few more things....

like i said before,
he went home and ate.
he jumped right back into every day life.

also, it says that he comforted Bathsheba (now his wife).
his sin had seriously affected her.
he couldn't do things over. he couldn't bring back her husband or her son.
but
he could appologize and comfort her and love her.

finally, he went off to war.
remember that this is where he was supposed to be in the first place.
God had given him a mission, a purpose.
he had screwed this up before.
i think he sinned before he ever set eyes on Bathsheba! simply because he failed to make his God-given vision the highest priority.
he wasn't going to make that mistake again.
he marched back out to the battle.

and he was victorious.

desperation

I'm Not Alright
Sanctus Real
If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of,
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune-I only wanna be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
and when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
Because honestly, I'm not that strong

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all i go through - it leads me to you, it leads me to you

(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved)

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all I go through leads me to you, leads me to you

I'm not alright - I'm not alright - I'm not alright
Thats why I need you

Captain I'm Fine And Thanks For Everything
Right Away, Great Captain
(I've added some punctuation though.)
captains glory-
the trumpets will sound.
I'm unfamiliar;
you're under the ground.
and i tried crying...
but strength was unveiled.
you left us you bastard...
you left us to sail.

and i won't, let you down.
no i won't, let you down.

and in the winters
i need you around.
i still feel sorrow
and i still write it down.
and my children there's just fine;
they'd of loved you, you know.
there fathers a captain
with a beard just like you.

and i won't, let you down
no i won't, let you down

Don't Kid Yourself, You Need a Physician
Anathalo
"In my room, in my room,
In this gospel I have made,
Salvation is a broken cistern in a handmade frame."

Some stuff from Band of Brothers...
2nd Lt. George Rice: Looks like you guys are going to be surrounded.
Richard Winters: We're paratroopers, Lieutenant, we're supposed to be surrounded.

Ronald Spiers: We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead.

Some good quotes to think about...
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dirty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
T.E. Lawrence

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

after waking

so i got Braveheart for Christmas and finally got around to watching it tonight.

and like every time i watch it
i see something new or fresh

earlier this month (while i was supposed to be studying for finals) i wrote a bit about my favorite scene
"he wakes" was the name of it i believe

...that really did mean a lot to me
the first time i noticed it was...
last november I think
maybe october
not long after Megan and i split up

i was rereading Wild at Heart around then too

see i realized the trap that i had been in
it took me a bit longer than Wallace to realize i was dreaming
caught up with wanting something that i couldn't have

we all have those things
we all dream something up
something we think will satisfy
whether we realize it or not

well God pointed it out to me.
pointed out the way i was depending
on a girl in this case.
i place this dependence in many things besides him
(for me i suppose girls are just one of the easier to do that with)

so then what?
i fought to wake up
as i was saying in that earlier post

and i've done it i'd say
so far as the girl mess is concerned

ha
and i've been so impressed with myself much of the time...
and so pleased...

that i forgot about the real fighting that needs to be done now

it is finished

does anybody else feel worn out trying to get everything done?

if i sit down and write out a simple list of the most important things in my life
trying to do everything i feel like i need to do for those priorities in a day seems impossible!

we're never really done

and then God tells us things like...

be still
and know that I am God

he tell us to rest
slow down

he tells us sitting at his feet is better than preparing him a meal

how can he expect this?
i mean... honestly i feel like my priorities are God's heart most of the time!
i feel like God wants me to make some person a priority
i feel like he wants me to be part of this or that
how can he tell me to slow down and give it a rest if these things are his ideas!?






check this out
Jesus did the whole ministry thing for 3 years
he had just...
3 years to teach people what God's heart is
3 years to convince people of who he was
3 years to make a difference in people's lives
3 years to train a handful of disciples to the point that they were capable of changing the world

okay really now
3 years?

some of you reading this are in college or older
i know
that you realize how short 3 years is.
if you're in my class, we're a few short weeks from being halfway through that.
double the time you've been in college. that's how long Jesus had to make a complete and permanent impact on the entire world.

even if you're younger i'm sure you can understand this
3 years
is not a long time

at all.






what did he say after 3 years?
John 17:4
"I have brought you glory on earth by...
completing
the work you gave me to do"


does that even make sense?
how could he say that?

surely there's something else he could do!
there's always another person to be healed.
there's always another lesson to be taught.

but no

his work was completed

interesting
how is this?

i think it lies in our priorities
even if they're not excellent ones

we weren't created to be so task oriented

Jesus knew who he was
who he belonged to

that's the first step
to BE

then what did he do?
look at Mark 1:35-39

he sought out God
God's will
each day
and the strength to carry it out

he didn't have a list of priorities and a long to-do list of ways to meet those

it was so simple to him

and at the end of the day
he could say "everything i came to do is finished"

just think about it yourself

and seek to live in a way
that when you go to bed each night
you are at peace as you say "the work God has given me to day is complete"

patience

more about friends...

how awful it is when a friend just
isn't being a friend to you

how tragic it is to lose a friend

i fear that in my life i've lost two best friends
and many other friends
in my life

whether it was because we just went different ways
or we were part of different groups
or whatever

the worst however
is when a friend changes.
and just... isn't
a friend anymore

i don't understand it

see one person in particular is on my heart
i love this person to death

but it feels like a lost cause!

like falling in love with a girl you know will never return the love

it's just friendship instead of romance

it hurts

oh yes it hurts
and it's half driving me crazy

i've no clue what insanity it would lead me to if God didn't keep my eyes on himself

how does this happen?
it doesn't make sense
why have you shut yourself off from me?
what did I do?


how can i be a friend back?
friendships take effort from both sides

i suppose it's not a friendship anymore?

maybe i'm just overdramatic

the thing is
this person needs my friend-love
so badly

i am humbled

because you see
i nearly don't want to give it

i want to say
fine.
goodbye.
see how you do without me.


but God says not to do that?

it's easy to love those who love you
and actually
i think it's not too hard to love those who hate you, much of the time

but how hard it is to love the people in between
who just don't get it

i'm nearly sick of the burden
and sick of praying for somebody who doesn't want it

but if i give that up
i am nothing