when grace grows up

i promised myself i'd be in bed on time, so i'll crank through as much of this as i can...

the relationship of grace and discipline has been on my mind a lot lately.

my youngest brother and some of his friends decided to gather high schoolers from church and have a good friday service at our house this year. and i guess they liked it a lot so they decided to have a "good friday" every month. he asked me to talk at it this time around and this is the topic i ended up talking about...

i was trying to think what to talk about a few days before... and these thoughts about grace and discipline all just sort of came together... things i've been learning, old ideas, new ones...

i've also been reading through this book called "the vision and the vow" by pete greig. this guy is one of my heroes. he started "24-7 prayer international" and (to my knowledge) has written two books. the guy is incredible... so wise and yet so ordinary. real. i wish i could meet him in person. or even hear him speak, if he does that sort of thing...

anyways, i'm re-reading his book, and he starts talking about the same thing! last time i read all the way through this book was at the end of high school... before my encounter with navigators, before my discovery of the true meaning of discipleship.

so... all this to say, i want to share a few things that are on my mind...

discipline isn't a fun word. nor is work. particularly hard work. and it can also be a sticky word. wouldn't want to be too legalistic right?

legalism.

something i've always struggled with. both being legalistic and trying to figure out what that really means. can you be a christian and not do anything? for the sake of time i won't elaborate... hopefully you're tracking here. maybe you experience this as well? clearly the bible insists that we are saved by grace alone. but there's something else there... something clearly missing if we stop there.

james said that faith without works is dead- it's not real faith at all. paul says to 'put on' the new self- it doesn't just happen automatically. Jesus said that those who truly love Him will take up their cross and follow Him.

i think i've found answers for these questions over the years. but never have i understood so clearly as i do now.

it's tempting to think of it as a balance. on one end it's possible to rely completely on "faith" (the supposedly dead kind). to focus so much of my heart on God's grace... and forget the rest. on the other hand, it's possible to treat grace as a wage that must be worked for. repaid. so maybe the answer lies in finding the right balance?

that's how i've always been tempted to think. and i finally see how wrong that is.


another of my heroes, dietrich bonhoeffer wrote:

"happy are they who know that discipleship simply means the life which springs from grace, and that grace simply means discipleship."

discipleship is the life which springs from grace. wow.

you see, as a child i relied on my parents for everything. and oh how they loved me! they gladly fed me, sheltered me, protected me, played with me, loved me.

yet they expected me to grow up. what kind of loving parent doesn't desire for their child to mature? i am moving into a place in life where i will no longer rely on my parents. every year, every day is another step in that direction. in fact, one day (God willing) i too will have a child. and i will be the one that my child relies on. i will be a father.

this is what discipleship is. this is what so many christians are missing out on.

we preach the grace of Jesus, as we should!
grace is the seed.
yet discipleship is so poorly preached.

and so the church is made up of so many children and so few parents.

children. dependent ones. relying on others for... most everything.
unable to reproduce.
to be parents to others.


in his book pete told a story about a young gifted leader who is having a hard time praying for others. his friends tell him nice things trying to encourage him- telling him not to beat himself up. (which he was partly doing)

but pete calls the guy out. what if God really is challenging the guy to pray more? what if he just needs get on his knees and to do it? Jesus challenged his disciples by degrees as they grew in their understanding and ability to respond. as they matured. and this guy wasn't a child.


this summer i hope to get in better physical shape. i need to eat better. and i need to lift weights and run. it's always something i've dreaded. i have friends- some of you maybe- who love to work out. but i just don't.

however, just because it's unpleasant to me for a time... just because it takes extra effort to make it happen... just because part of me doesn't want to do it... does that mean it's wrong? am i being too hard on myself? of course not!

have you ever seen somebody on a diet and told them they should give up? "you like the taste of doughnuts, why are you trying? it's not what you want, just give up." cause if you did you're a jerk.

the truth is, there is something higher than the discipline itself. some greater good. some higher passion.

for it is by grace i have been saved. ephesians 2 says that God saved me because he loved me. he is rich in mercy... so he made me alive in Jesus. Jesus said that we must be born again, and paul explains that through Jesus "the old has gone and the new has come."

grace is my new beginning. new birth. new life. a new heart.
many new things.
including new desires.
new passion.

but who is born as a wise old man?
all who are born begin as children.
little children.
they must be nurtured at first.
fed milk.

and...
children must mature.
they must be taught discipline.
they must learn to take care of themselves.

don't get me wrong Jesus is forever our bread.
but they learn to get bread for themselves instead of relying on someone else to put it in their mouths.

what kind of gracious father would allow his son to go on living like a little boy forever? what kind of loving mother would breastfeed her son years after he is born? sorry for the imagery... but is that what we want from our Father? is that the kind of grace that you want to live in?

my God has given me a grace bigger than that. it is not just a grace that forgives and makes me new. it is also a grace which disciplines. teaches. rebukes. corrects. trains. it is a grace which makes me a new man- not a new boy. to paraphrase paul, it is a grace which doesn't just begin a new work, but one that carries it to completion until Jesus comes for me.


and one day... the child becomes a man. a man capable of having children of his own.

this is discipleship.
this is where grace leads.

the blessings

the poor in spirit are the lucky ones!
because the kingdom of heaven is theirs.

those who mourn are the lucky ones!
because they will find comfort.

the gentle are the lucky ones!
because the earth will be given to them.

those who are hungry and thirsty to be like Christ are the lucky ones!
because they will be filled up.

those who show mercy are the lucky ones!
because God will show them mercy.

those who have pure hearts are the lucky ones!
because they will see God face to face.

those who bring peace are the lucky ones!
because they are God's children.

those who suffer for being like Christ are the lucky ones!
because the kingdom of heaven is theirs.

(the bold ones particularly stick out to me right now)

love

i know i need you
i need to love you, lord
i love to see you, but it's been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?

now you've pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still i'm afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
lord, i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?

i hear you say:
my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you question 'is this for real?'
the times you're broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
i'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
i'm there through your heartache
i'm there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i don't care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends,
it never ends

(times by tenth avenue north)

callouses

goodness me
haven't posted this month still...
once again, sorry for the dry spell.

just got through reading some old blog posts...
remembering.

God made us to remember.
though i don't do a terribly good job at it.
i'm quick to forget the things he has done in my life.
quick to forget the things he has taught me.

it's frustrating when you read an old journal and find that the thing you are currently "learning" you supposedly had learned 2 years ago. :)

... i need to go back and reread my journals. particularly the non-sermon/bible study notes.
i need to be reminded of what God has done.
i need to see how much he loves me.


in the last couple weeks i have come to realize that i don't know God's love and grace very well.

i feel that so many people, particularly those who didn't grow up in a christian family, know God's grace. and they know his love. (maybe this is you)

many people are like this.
erin is like this.
she actually began to follow Christ when she was about the same age as me. but she went through... a change. it took many years of following Christ for her to see the change completely i think...
but her life then was very different than it is now.
back then, she saw so clearly the difference between the world she was part of and God's kingdom.
and now it's even experiential... she is part of God's kingdom and she knows it and sees it. she can see how far God had to bring her to remove her from the world.

me?
i never saw much of a change. at least not one that i remember.
i was not always part of God's kingdom i guess... but you could say i lived near the border, rather than in the heart of "the world".

don't misunderstand...
i need grace just as much as anyone else. if sin were something you could tally up, it wouldn't look pretty.

but the way i grew up...
i don't know what it's like to be without God's forgiveness and love and mercy. i have always been told about them.

so even at my very worst (which is just as bad as anyone else's worst) i knew about God's love in my head.

it's a good thing to always know God's love.

but i feel like it all got mixed up in my head.
cycles of rejecting god then running back to him have always happened so... quickly.
my heart has hardly (if ever) understood how far God has to bring me.

my heart is calloused.
the pain that sin should bring... usually feels more like a tingle.
the soft, healing touch that god brings,... i am numb to as well.

grace and love (or whatever downplayed versions that i usually accept) seem more like over-the-counter medicines.
God's grace and love should be more like surgery.

God doesn't walk next door to be with us.
he comes all the way from the heavens.

God didn't stub his toe to forgive us.
he suffered and died.

crossing from death to life isn't like crossing from america to canada.
it's like escaping from communist russia.

moving from the world to God's kindom isn't like swimming across a pool.
it's like swimming across the pacific ocean.


but my heart...
doesn't begin to grasp how tremendous this is.

i'm begging God to really help me see, know, and appreciate his Grace and Love.

preparation

as i struggle through a difficult week or two...

that is,
difficult in many ways:
school, work, God, life in general...
you get the idea.

as i struggle through a difficult week, i cannot help but think over and over about the future.
about my wife and my children especially.
(both of which i at least imagine having one day)

and i cannot help but think about how
good
i want to be for them.

about how i want to be a good leader, and a good lover, and a good example, and so on...

and as i struggle through a difficult week...
i see how i am not this man.

it drives me nuts.
it has been driving me nuts for the last many months really, but its times like this that it really comes out.

and don't misunderstand me...
i don't expect myself to be the perfect man.
well... at least i try not to expect that. :)

i realize that i need to focus on being faithful to God.
and faithful to them.
and that he will take care of the rest...

but
i desire to be as good as i can for them.
God will use me, no matter whether i am weak or strong.
but for his sake and theirs...
i want to be stronger.

not a man barely clinging to God, and holding them back.
but a man boldly leading them and loving them as best as God makes it possible.

see?

and as i struggle through a difficult week,
i cannot help but be frustrated by how
weak
and unprepared
i am.

how will i ever become that?


...i also know i should not dwell on the future.
two things are important:
now.
and eternity.

as i struggle through a difficult week,
like this,
how do i love and lead the people who are around me
now?

this is what is important...

i'm sorry i'm not doing a good job of this folks.
most of you don't even know it.
i apologize anyways.

i'm...
trying to try harder...

...well...
i'm in the middle of a lab report and it's already 3:30 in the morning. so i'm going to go back to it now.

i think that's all...
my head has been a mess..
so while this little glob of thoughts made sense for a few moments i had to get it out.
:)

dying

you're dying to live,
you're dying to know what love is.

and I'm dying to show you something more.

caving

last week i got to jump in as a leader on altaer's wilderness retreat. it was quite an opportunity i think. :)
certainly a lot of fun. and a perfect way to spend time with a few people i wanted to spend time with.
i actually didn't have to do very many official leader-like things. but over and over again i was reminded how most leading is done through the tiniest of actions and words.

anyways
we got to do some neat things. namely rappelling, rock climbing, hiking, swimming (in a random lake deep in the woods), caving, and rafting.


caving is by far one of the coolest things i've ever done.
i tried to describe it in my journal, but it was too hard.

it was the most foreign place i've ever been.
and you feel like an explorer. (even though we had a group of 20 and a guide)
because darkness is everywhere and with every step you were going further into this dark, hidden, mysterious place.
it was mysterious.

Bible verses about light (i.e. "you are the light of the world") really start to mean something...

maybe that paints a bit of a picture.
caving was very fun and very exciting. :)


however
my favorite part
was coming out of the cave. :)


























seems silly maybe. but you just can't understand unless you've done it. and understood it the way i did. trust me... this picture is just a visual aid. it doesn't begin to do the experience justice.

after 3 hours in a cave, you're quite used to the world of the cave.
your eyes are used to darkness- to little light.
and the grays and browns of rock begin to feel like the only colors you've ever seen.
the noise of other people and occasional rushing water start to seem like the only sounds you've ever heard.
the damp, dirt smell is the only thing you've ever smelled.
the cold air starts to feel normal.
big rocks and the cave wall are the only thing you touch.
uneven rocky ground or dirt is the only thing you walk over.

this is a bit exaggerated perhaps.
but you get the idea.
for the time we were in there, my mind was fixed on where i was. the cave was the only world i could see. it was the reality we found ourselves in. anything else was just a memory or a thought.

"They were a mass of bruises, and the wet sticky stuff on her face appeared to be blood. And such a mass of loose earth, shingle, and larger stones was piled up round her (and partly over her) that she couldn't get up. The darkness was so complete that it made no difference at all whether you had your eyes open or shut. There was no noise. And that was the very worst moment Jill had ever known in her life."

"Presently they were given food - flat, flabby cakes of some sort which had hardly any taste. And after that, they gradually fell asleep. But when they woke, everything was just the same; the gnomes still rowing, the ship still gliding on, still dead blackness ahead. How often they woke and slept and ate and slept again, none of them could ever remember. And the worst thing about it was that you began to feel as if you had always lived on that ship, in that darkness, and to wonder whether sun and blue skies and wind and birds had not been only a dream."

(both of those from Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis)

now,
as if that isn't hard enough to picture.
imagine coming out of it.

actually, on our way out, we stopped at the last point where no sunlight reaches and our guide told us to just stare down at our feet for the rest of the way out. and as we made it to the mouth of the cave he had us look up.

you just... can't imagine.

the world outside of the cave was overwhelming.
it was beautiful.

just one tree
was enough to blow your mind.

colors were more colorful.
green was more green than it had ever been.
the sky was bluer...

and bigger.
the sky was HUGE.
just the thought that you could see so far blew my mind.

and the realization that you're not... buried...
it reminds me of what one of the gnomes (who live underground) in Silver Chair... :)
"That was the worst thing the Witch did to us. We were going to be led out into the open - on to the outside of the world. They say there's no roof at all there; only a horrible great emptiness called the sky. And the diggings have gone so far that a few strokes of the pick would bring you out to it. I wouldn't dare go near them... You can't really like it - crawling about like flies on the top of the world!"
it was terrifying! but magnificent as well. (because i'm human and not a gnome i suppose)

and the smells!
i could smell plants.
the flowers especially. i could smell them before i even saw them. and when i did it was like the most marvelous, pleasant thing i'd ever smelled.

and we could see the sun up in the sky.
beautiful.
and perfectly made.
not so bright that it hurt your eyes...
but big enough, and bright enough, and powerful enough that EVERYTHING outside was lit up and visible.
the thought that this one light illuminated everything around me (and for thousands of miles around!) was just bizarre.

and that was the greatest mystery.
being able to SEE.
to just... look wherever you wanted and see something there.

for a while i just sat there on a rock and took it all in.


a stream sort of ran into the mouth of the cave, and eventually our guide started walking up it. and we followed him to another beautiful scene...

after a minute we came to an opening...
there was a beautiful waterfall pouring down from the top of a little cliff
and the rest of our group was there waiting for us.

i wish someone had taken a picture of us when we came out. :)
because we must have looked like a mess.
most of us were covered in mud from playing around in the cave.
we were like an awkward, raggedy, tired, slightly disoriented group of gnomes. :)
strangers in the outside word.
we must have looked unfit to be where we were- surrounded by trees and sky and light.

and if there wasn't enough beauty in creation itself...
how much more that the first thing we did upon coming into it, was to head straight for this magnificent waterfall and pool to wash ourselves clean!
and on top of this, to join our friends! our brothers and sisters.

people were running around, laughing, smiling, jumping in the water.
and washing themselves off. cleaning the mud off of themselves and out of clothes. changing into new clothes.


can you see it?

we wandered around for a while in a black cave. in darkness. while inside we even talked about how screwed we'd be if our batteries all died suddenly.

but thank God, we did have lights (if only small ones). and we had a guide leading us through.

it was exciting in the cave. it was a great experience. hard for some and easy for others.

but i think all would agree, it's good that in the end we were lead out. back home. the cave was cool, but the outside is just... crazy.
if you can stop taking it for granted.

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." (Colossians 1:13-14)


the sweet thing is that some of us have "left the cave."

of course, our part-time job for now is to go back in...
"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?" (Matthew 18:12)





























"If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our bodies. If they will perish let them perish with our arms about their knees. Let no one GO there unwarned and unprayed for."
Charles Spurgeon

(note: the pictures aren't mine, i just found them online)

response to failure

i've never paid much attention to the end of the Bathsheba ordeal. (2 Samuel 12)
you hear about the big time David screwed up,
and how Nathan came and pointed it out,
and perhaps how it caused a lot of problems.

but it sort of has a good ending.
certainly one to learn from.

first he confesses his sin.
brings it out. admits guilt.
this is where we have to start.

then spends time grieving the outcome.
taking it in, and asking for mercy and forgiveness.
we have to understand the weight of what we've done, i think.

and once that's over
it's over
David surprises his servants by suddenly acting normal again out of nowhere.
when God has made up his mind, when the punishment is set and when his love is poured out...
that's it.
it's finished.

time to move on.
how does he do this?
he got up from the ground.
he washed off and changed clothes.
he went to the house of the Lord (into God's presence) and worshipped.
then he went home and ate.

first he stopped asking for mercy and apologizing.
then took off his old self, got himself clean, and put on something new.
then went back to God... to worship! (that is the hardest part for me i think)

first he dealt with God.
then, he does a few more things....

like i said before,
he went home and ate.
he jumped right back into every day life.

also, it says that he comforted Bathsheba (now his wife).
his sin had seriously affected her.
he couldn't do things over. he couldn't bring back her husband or her son.
but
he could appologize and comfort her and love her.

finally, he went off to war.
remember that this is where he was supposed to be in the first place.
God had given him a mission, a purpose.
he had screwed this up before.
i think he sinned before he ever set eyes on Bathsheba! simply because he failed to make his God-given vision the highest priority.
he wasn't going to make that mistake again.
he marched back out to the battle.

and he was victorious.

dancing on ashes

bah
i still haven't caught up on rest.
how come i always seem to get more energy and stay up later when i plan a specific bedtime?!

i was at sharptop cove doing work crew this weekend, as you most likely know.
and it was a blast.
it was nice to be with my dear friends.
nice to encourage and laugh with and laugh at them. :)
nice to smile and laugh about memories.

and also nice to make new ones.
i think there are some great new memories to laugh and smile about now. :)

wonderful


anyways,
the main point of me writing this is to share with you something that God reminded me of on saturday...

this weekend i spent some of my free time walking around the camp with Josh and Jason, and at one point we ended up watching a young boy do the quantum leap.
i think the quantum leap is one of the coolest things they have there. :)
it's basically a quiet spot back in the woods where they've got a wooden pole sticking out of the ground. a telephone pole basically. with metal rungs on the sides spaced out about every 4 feet so that you can climb up. you try to climb to the top (where there is a little one square foot platform) and stand up. hanging from a tree a little ways out is a bell, which you try to jump off and ring.
of course you're harnessed in, so that it's safe and you don't fall to your death after ringing the bell. :) there's a trained person on the ground who has you by a rope that goes through a number of pulleys. they could probably pull most people to the top if they wanted to.

so
like i said, we got there just as a young elementary school aged boy was harnessed in. we were pretty surprised when he made it all the way to the top! the rope guy had to help him out some because he was almost too short to even reach the next rung sometimes, but he made it and was sitting down on top.
i guess he didn't realize how high he was until he got there, because he suddenly froze up. his father and everyone watching was trying to encourage him to turn to face the bell and stand up. but he was too afraid of falling.

after about 5 or 10 minutes he decided that he wanted to come down, which there's no shame in doing. especially at this kids age. a lot of kids freak out at the top, and understandably so. standing on top of a telephone pole doesn't feel like a very secure place, even if you're being held up by a rope. it's a healthy fear.

but
the way to get down
is to jump off.
to let go.
and the rope dude slowly lowers you to the ground.
this is how the quantum leap is designed to work.

little kid had a different plan though.
he didn't feel safe doing that.
part of the time he just wanted to hang tight and not move...

and he wanted to climb down.
which he could do i suppose.
but it wouldn't be easy.
it would probably hurt a little.
it would take a lot longer.
he could end up getting hurt a little, because it's hard to keep tension in the rope if the person's headed down.
and he would miss the fun of slowly swinging to the ground!

at first, everyone was encouraging him to do it the right way. the good way. the easy way.
they told him why his way wasn't good.
but he refused to listen.
he was a child.
he couldn't understand that their plan was better and safer than his in every way.
he needed to put faith in what his father was saying to him.
but he wouldn't.

they realized that he couldn't be reasoned with before long, and let him try to do things his way. i guess the most important thing was that he got down safely, and if he wouldn't do it the right way, they didn't have another option.

well
after quite some time
after a lot of effort and little improvement
after a lot of crying and fear
he eventually decided to
let go.

you should have seen the smile on his face when he 'danced upon the ashes of his burned up little plans.'
when he realized
how easy it's supposed to be.
how fun it's supposed to be.


well,
it could have been better,
but at least he realized it eventually, right? :)

made me think of how we're like this with God sometimes.
if only we'd give up our plans for his...
particularly at the times when it seems impossible to.

well
"something to think about later" i figured.


then i went and did my bible reading for the day,
which included 1 Samuel 8.
this is where the Israelites asked for a king...

now,
Samuel had acted as a leader for them. if you read the previous chapter or two, it tells about how he protected Israel and held it together, like the judges before him (he's named one in chapter 7 actually).
if you read about his miraculous birth and calling in the first few chapters of the book, you can see how the man is truly part of God's plan.
God chose Samuel to lead his people.
Like a shepherd finds a good sheep dog i guess. :)

in chapter 8 Samuel is getting old, and the Israelites want Samuel to pick a king to lead them before he's gone.
this is not purely bad in itself i think.
we read that Samuel's sons were not great people, and so it is good that the people desired to have a wise and just man of God leading them.

but
then we see that they are actually rejecting God as their king.
they think their security will come from a king.
they don't trust God for security.
they don't trust him to bring another man like Samuel (if that's what they need).
they don't trust God's plan. God's way.

God tells them their idea is bad, and gives them a pretty comprehensive list of reasons to prove it.
he encourages them to make him their king.
he gives them another chance to decide what they want...
but they still won't listen.

and he ended up giving them what they wanted!
he lets them do it their way, and even helps with it!

fools!
while God pursued the hearts of kings and did great things with those who loved him...
how much more if they had just accepted God as their king?!


but... what about me?
what about you?

for God's sake and yours,
the question
to which you ought to give serious thought :)
is this:

which plans of yours need to be burned to ashes?

χάρις

we need to chill.

to stop working for his mercy,
because that's pride.
(working is done through him and after mercy does its work)

to stop discounting his grace,
because that's what we're doing when we don't believe it's enough for us.

and to let God love us.
because he wants to.


emotive unstable,
your like an
un
wind
ing
cable car.
listening for voices...
waiting for something? someone else?
but its the choices
that make us who we are.

so self-absorbed,
you seem to ignore
the prayers that have already come about!
go your own way,
if that's what you want...
even season have change;
just burn those new leaves over.

backing away from the problem of pain.
you never had a home.
you've been misguided.
you're hiding in shadows for so very long.
don't you see?
don't you believe that you've been decived,
that "your no better than..."?
the hair in your eyes, it never disguised
what your really thinking of.
(the lamp of the Lord searches the inmost being)

but

don't drop your arms! don't drop your arms!
I will guard your heart!
with quiet words I'll lead you in!

this
is the correlation
of Salvation and Love:

you
are so
brilliant!
don't soon forget!
you're so brilliant!
Grace
marked your heart.

don't drop your arms! don't drop your arms!
I will guard your heart!
with quiet words I'll lead you in!

you're so brilliant!
Grace
marked your heart.
don't soon forget!

release

is it not beautifully ironic that
a christian is someone who simply
realizes
that he doesn't
know God
at all?

we're so tied to ourselves.


what i want to do i do not do,
but what i hate i do.
i tear myself to pieces,
and really, i don't like it.

but then i won't even let myself be forgiven.

last night i went to write in my journal
i think i was just headed for another prayer about being sorry and frustrated with myself.
and i realized it was the same condemning part of me, which had lead me to make mistakes in the first place, who was making me feel that way now!

silly me

it's serious really,
but i think he'd also love if i made a big deal about it
(the part of joshua who tore himself up in the first place and then wouldn't let him fix himself, that is),
because his goal is just to keep me away from God.

he did it by separating me from God,
but Jesus came to fix that.

then he did it by separating me from Jesus,
but i suppose the Spirit made me realize it.

he could also do it again by getting me to spend so much time thinking about... for example, how dumb I was (in both ways now), that, once again, i get distracted from the point.

like getting stuck for a long time studying some math problem, which isn't going to be on the test.
or thinking so much about how to be a good football player that you never take time to play.


so
let's just forget about ourselves, shall we?
let's just stop trying to figure out and understand things.
let's stop feeling like we have to
accept,
and simply receive.

let's stop stopping ourselves from being blessed by God,
and let's stop stopping ourselves from letting God by too BIG to understand.
so that we can stop stopping ourselves from praising him.

hopefully that was coherent. :)

grace

grades finally came

Ephesians 6:7
Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men...

i don't do a good job of this i think.
based on the effort i put in and grades for individual assignments...

i did not do school work wholeheartedly very often this Spring

and i hardly remembered to do it all for God,
rather than myself
or my parents
or my professors

i TOLD him to give me what i deserved...
i think God said "no" to that prayer.

i am unworthy of the grades God gives me.

and he deserves better.

grace like rain
falls down on me

a prayer: Qanna + hebrews 2:18

i wrote this in my journal recently.
this is one of those particularly personal ones that i just felt like sharing...

God, why do I feel like you can't satisfy me?
Just yesterday I asked for just a little taste. Surely that should be enough?
But where are you then? Because right now I don't want you.
Save me!
I know that it is temptation I fight. But I feel like a starving man rejecting bread.
It's torture. It's hard. And I don't believe I can stand it forever.
God, I fall far short of you. I confess that I do not truly acknowledge your love. Your greatness. Your glory. Your perfection.
You are life. You are joy. And while I know this, I can hardly believe or accept it, right now.
That is sin.
And even more... I also doubt your power. A piece of me says it acknowledges that you made the world and everything in it. That you weigh the islands as though they were fine dust. That you could destroy everything with one word from your mouth.
But once again, my heart doubts. Because if I truly understood and believed then I would know and see that your strength is enough to deliver me. I would trust that, because Jesus himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those, like me, who are being tempted.
I am broken, messy, needy. And I want to let other gods fix it.
I am ashamed God, but honest.
This is exactly how we're supposed to come to you, right?
Why is the darkness so much more comfortable?
Why is building my own fire so much easier? And why am I so convinced that last time I made one it was warmer than yours?

I don't understand it.
We never do, do we? When we are being attacked I mean.
Do we need to?
I guess not. I just figured it would be easier if we knew where we belonged. But we do! I do. I know it when I choose to leave you.
It's the "why" that doesn't make sense.
But I don't think we need to know this. Who questions where they belong if they know they belong there?!
I belong to you.
I belong with you.
Please make me confident of this. Mark me.
Hold me.
I know you love me.
You make me whole.
You will protect me.

You just did.

holy sonnet 15

by John Donne

Wilt thou love God as he thee? then digest,
My soul, this wholesome meditation,
How God the Spirit, by angels waited on
In heaven, doth make His temple in thy breast.
The Father having begot a Son most blest,
And still begetting—for he ne'er begun—
Hath deign'd to choose thee by adoption,
Co-heir to His glory, and Sabbath' endless rest.
And as a robb'd man, which by search doth find
His stolen stuff sold, must lose or buy it again,
The Sun of glory came down, and was slain,
Us whom He had made, and Satan stole, to unbind.
'Twas much, that man was made like God before,
But, that God should be made like man, much more.

thanksgiving

Hope you all have as much to be thankful for as i do
blessed to the point where no amount of giving back would repay it
all you can do is express thankfulness

have a good Thanksgiving :)

(rest for goodness sake!)

You are more beautiful
Than anyone ever
Everyday You're the same
You never change, no never

And how could I ever deny
The love of my Savior
You are to me everything
All I need forever

How could You be so good to me?

There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You

Everywhere, You are there
Earth or air, surrounding
I'm not alone, the heavens sing along
My God You're so astounding
How could You be so good to me
Eternally I believe that

There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You
You, You, You, You, You, You

How could You be so good to me?
How could You be so good to me?
We're not alone, so sing along
We're not alone, so sing along, sing along, sing along

There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There his no one like our God, yeah

prayer

how to pray?

this is as much or more for me as anyone else

praying should be more than talking
sitting still
saying words

that's almost not real

don't get me wrong, it certainly can be

but i think it can be bigger than that
better than that

Sometimes i get off track
worried about...
trying to use the right words
or focused on listening for God
or a billion different things

But it's not supposed to be like that

because really praying
is free
i think

just sitting saying words in your head isn't always free
and at the same time
putting effort into making it different isn't free either
because it's like you're trying to make it into something you want it to be like

i tend to face two big walls when i pray
i think everybody has something or other that they have to get around

for me, first is not feeling...
close enough to God

it's proposterous I know
considering prayer is how you truly get closer to him
bible study's, church, or memorizing verses about God, doesn't bring you closer
the only thing that does that is praying to him
talking to him
being with him

thats why prayer is so important

sometimes I feel like i'm too imperfect to be with God though
i have a voice in my head that tells me i can't be as close to him as I want to
not yet at least

I used to be so much better at praying
closer to God even, i think

i lost it somewhere along the way
and now that i want it back satan keeps telling me that i can't have it
he tells me to put praying off for later
tomorrow
because maybe then i'll be more... worthy to talk to God i guess
like maybe i'll be good until then,
so then God will allow me in his presence

but that's so wrong because God says that he makes us holy
nobody is righteous but God
but
now
he makes us righteous if we come to him

The point is
it's important to know that nothing holds you back from praying

Perhaps...
You don't feel close to God.
you can still talk to him
it's just going to take effort!
do you really want to or not?

we're so lazy
we don't like doing anything that takes effort

It's not always easy to pray
but it's always possible

The other thing, for me, is not listening.
Praying doesn't have to involve listening every single time.
But I think it should some of the time

if God is real, and you're talking to him, and he loves you
i should think he wants to talk back

but i'm bad at being impatient with him
or getting distracted
or being so focused on hearing what I want
that i don't hear anything when it comes

You've got to be patient
quiet

and persistent

read Daniel 10

have patience with God
he hears your prayers
sometimes it just takes a while to get a response.
for who knows what reason

be persistent
i think God tests us that way sometimes
if we really care we keep at it
if we give up... then did it really matter to us?

And you have to have your ears wide open
apparently God can answer you audibly
i've never heard him
sometimes he just gives you a strong feeling
sometimes he puts thoughts or pictures in your head
sometimes, after you pray, he sends a person to answer you

you have to keep your ears open because you don't know how he'll answer

I love when God responds.
Because it shows how much he loves us.

I can read that he loves me in the Bible.

But when he
talks to
me
i can see the stuff that i read or heard
coming true

what an honor it is to talk to God
to pray to God

it reminds you why you are still alive
and it reminds you why you are still living

meaning of life

well, there's a lot that i could say now
maybe i can tie it up into one thing
warning, it may be long

first a song by classic crime

who needs air

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.
{if only we desired to dance on the ashes of our plans more often}

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don't need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me. {that hurts usually...}
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don't need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild. {oh yes God, please}
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise. {...who am i then?}

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you've got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

[I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life
and give up the air that you breathe.
You don't need anything.]
{He means besides what he's got. Besides the Air of Life.}


That makes me excited.
Things like that tend to.
I read The Vision the other day and it made me cry.

Maybe you're a girl or something and you do that too often. and that's a bad thing to you.
But for me it's a good thing. it doesn't happen enough.

Anyways

But then I have to go and discourage myself.

I guess the biggest thing that discourages me is when I start trying to breathe air again. Instead of God.

But I just never see it coming until it's happened!

or maybe that's just an excuse...
i dunno

Will we ever get things right?

I mean, you're supposed to give yourself to God right?
And he works on you, making you better

But I'll never be perfect!
It seems idiotic.

It's like God's trying so hard to do something that will never happen.

It's not all God though.
My effort goes in here somewhere... right?

Again, I get discouraged
because most of the time as soon as I try harder
and put effort into doing things right
i fail

I suppose that's because... I can't do things right without God

But then we're back where we started!!

argh...

But then I realize...

i guess...
that...

That's the idea.

I never will deserve God's love.
He doesn't ask that I reach some level.
And then it's all good.

Nonono

I am eternally screwed.

And yet...
eternally loved away from death by God.
he loves me... anyways

Do you see how deep our debt is?
It's infinite.

Oh no! more discouragement
i'm so in debt!

but... he doesn't ask that we pay it back...?
(thats good, i can't...)

He just wants us to receive it.
it is... a gift i suppose

Imagine your parents gave you something that incredible for Christmas.

And now good ol' five iron
this is the thought process i've been through in all this.
my thought process every time I have to teach myself what life is.

every new day

When I was young, the smallest trick of light, Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day, I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for, And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar, {i used to be that way... But wait... maybe I still am, and I just can't see it.... read my xanga for today}

I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears, Watered Heaven with their tears,
{oh God help me}

Before words were spoken, Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you, Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher, Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach, reach, was not so high,
then, I thought the world was so much smaller, feeling I, could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies, behind infinity,
below the face of Heaven, he stoops to create me. {again, praise God}

{discouraged. again.}
Man versus himself. Man versus machine. Man versus the world. mankind versus me.
The struggles go on, the wisdom I lack,
the burdens keep piling up on my back.
So hard to breathe, to take the next step.
The mountains is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace, and hoping for peace.
Dear God... increase.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here’s my heart, let it be forever Your’s,
only you can make every new day seem so new.
{that means more than... when i wake up in the morning God makes me happy}

only you can make every new day seem so new.

(EVIL GRIN)
I leave you with an absolutely horrible
and absolutely beautiful thing I just thought of.

here is the Matlab code of God (sorry i go to Tech)
______________________
your_glory=false %I suck
your_worth=0 %therefore I'm worth nothing

Gods_love=true %but God loves me?

while Gods_love==true
your_worth= your_worth +1 %he gives me worth?
end
______________________

(by the way that just means we have no worth
but then God loves us
and gives us worth.
But there's a mistake in the code. [there must be!, we shout]
at some point after "while" Gods_love should =false.
Or else the code loops forever...)

This would give your computer an error.
It can't handle the numbers. They're too big.

Apparently God can do it.

Crazy.

So

Go
and live like God makes you worth something.
Because is trying so hard to.

he'll make the rivers and rocks sing his praise

Why does God use people?
like me?

don't you hate guilt?
it kills you
i mean, i feel bad for everything i've done wrong
but, for me i know, the devil is really good
at letting it crush me

have you ever felt bad for something you did forever ago?
yeah,
it shouldn't be that way
if you've been forgiven by the Forgiver

or even something yesterday
or this morning
or 10 minutes ago

anyways
that's not what this is about
because once you overcome that hurdle
when you know and feel forgiven...

there's yet another hurdle.

it's rather odd too
like an oxymoron

it is
that we feel too small
or awesome

or perhaps both
one now
the other in just a moment

so why does God use people?
is it because something good in us?

sometimes i really doubt that

i'm really shy
it's one of many things that makes me weak
one of the things that prevents or slows me
when God asks me to do something.

there are plenty such things wrong with me

i am humbled by it
like Paul's thorn perhaps
i realize that i'm no good at much anything sometimes

but apparently...
he uses the weak to overcome the strong?

'"But I'm so small I can barely be seen
how can this great love be inside of me?"
Look at your eyes
they're small in size
but they see enormous things'

i found something incredible in Luke the other day
John said something in chapter 3

'For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham.'

I decided this means a few things
being God's children does not make you special
it comes from God.
stones?!
God can use... stones
to beat our best attempts...
ouch

so...
like i wrote on my xanga/facebook this last weekend i think
...
THAT
is why we shouldn't try to do things
God can do so much

you know...
he really doesn't even need us if that's the case
there's plenty of rocks for him to use

But wait..
he doesn't does he?
how come?
the rocks never did anything to him
and
i... can't claim that



God made us both...
when he made the rocks he said
it is good
when he made me
he said
it is very good

that's pretty cool

how odd it is
that he chooses you
above the stones

there's too parts to us
there's something inside us that God made which is good
and there's the rest.
that is the mess of our handiwork.
the sin we started,
and the failed attempts to fix it.

God made something good in us
that is why he uses us
not because of who we have made ourselves to be
but because of who we could be
of who we were made to be

you have no claim on that glory.
it was given to you
and can be given again though

so maybe the stones have not failed God
but we
are very good

if we just let us be how he made us to


well...

I don't know about you
but if God chooses me like that
I will try to love better

i will try to be the very good that I am
instead of that which i have been.

there's no way I'm gonna let a freaking rock
outlove me

Not that i'm competing with rocks to worship God ^_^

but you know what i mean

sea in a fish

A fish swims through the sea
while the sea is, in a certain sense, contained within the fish!
Oh, what am I to think of what the writing of a thousand life times could not explain
if all the forest trees were pens and all the oceans, ink?
{more mewithoutYou}

how insignificant is a fish in the sea?
aren't there trillions of fish?
yet the ocean is so big that there are vast places of just water

you are a fish
and the sea is God's love

do you swim in such great love?

but the second line gets the exclamation point!

the ocean is not contained in a fish
that's preposterous.
that's like something they'd tell you when you're doing quantum physics or nuclear chemistry

and yet
all that love
in me

sounds absurd
but you know it's true
or at least it could be

you know those illustrations they give in church?
you're a glass and God's a pitcher and he fills you up so much you overflow

how cute

please realize that to suggest God's love is like a pitcher of water is a sad disproportion
granted it's hard to bring the ocean inside to make a point
i guess they can't really do that

but that's the point!

and please realize that to suggest God fills you up so that water starts trickling over the side
is also a sad disproportion

no no
it would be more correct to throw the cup in the ocean

you
insignificant fish
can swim in a big ocean

and the ocean can be contained inside of you


and now...
it makes sense to say that in all their lifetimes
1000 people
with all the pens and paper in the world
could not begin to explain or grasp that