girl power

sorry for the dry spell.
november was a busy month.
in rough ways.
and good ones. :)

its obnoxious being too busy to write.
though... sometimes it's because i choose to be i suppose.

and i did do plenty of thinking...
just never had the time to write it down.
or didn't feel like it at least.


a lot has changed...
i have a big thing or two to write about probably.


in the meantime i've thought of something i wanted to share...

this is mostly directed to the ladies.

god made you to be very powerful i think.
do you realize what you can do to a guy?

don't get me wrong...
men ought to be strong.
not swayed by a woman who leads him astray...

like adam for example.

and yet... look at him.
the serpent didn't go for him.
maybe the fruit looked good...
but he spent plenty of time in the garden without touching it before.

he listened to eve though.
she could convince him to take it.

that's a lot of power.

eve is a bad example of how to use it...
:)


but i DO think that it can be flipped around!

encourage us.
us men that is.

imagine if...
the serpent went for adam.
but eve showed up and turned his head. :)

i heard a funny term in a book i read about a year ago...
it described what it means to be a "godly flirt".
sounds ridiculous right? :)

because the way the world is, flirting is a pretty selfish thing.
it's... just for fun really.

but if you think about it...
there's nothing inherently wrong with it.

imagine using your femininity (that's a silly word)
to bring attention to God.
(rather than to yourself)

it looks very different than worldly flirting from some angles.
but it's the same basic idea.


guys:

this is the kind of girl you want.

when you're down, she cheers you up.
when you're tired, she encourages you to push on.
when you're being selfish, she snaps you out of it.
etc.

why?
because she loves God and you
and wants this for his sake and yours.

how does she do it?
in some sense, the same way a guy friend is there for you.
but if you look at it another way...
she's being the peaceful, beautiful, soft, loving, cute woman that God made her to be.


women:

will you hand us the fruit and say nice things about it?

or will you use everything God put in you to turn our focus and dependence where it ought to be?

you can really catch our attention sometimes.
and there's a lot of potential to use that to display godliness
and to encourage the same in us.


guys:

look for the kind of girl who uses everything in herself to [intentionally] help you keep your gaze where you want it to be.


does this make sense?
thoughts?
i feel like this is tough to explain,
[and maybe dangerous if taken the wrong way :(]
so tell me if you have comments or questions. :)

best friend

i wish my best friend were here...

broke

"Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer."
why's that so hard?

it's so difficult to have a soft heart
and be tough
at the same time.

stupid, silly things make me crumble inside and out.
but then i have to fight hard to crack open the door just a little bit to let in the things that are truly incredible.

i want to be a hero, and a warrior, and a friend, and a brother, and a man.
but i can't imagine how to get there.
and with every attempt i just get pushed back harder.

and every time i try to just
be.
and to allow God to make me become...
i end up thinking about myself and waiting for him to do everything.
forgetting the gift's price.


what do i do?
and where do i find comfort?

...questions i've always known the answer to.
yet still can't seem to answer.

because i'm too scared
and too tired
to attempt the swim
from my little, bobbing wooden plank
to that ship
again.


in the meantime,
i just feel like a soldier without a gun.
a beast without a beauty.
a farmer in a drought.
an athlete with a sprained ankle.

and a simple scream for help doesn't fix it.

random things

i haven't gotten enough sleep lately.
i never feel like going to bed before midnight. i have to force myself to. even when i wake up as gosh darn early as i have to. :)
and being sleepy when you need to be working is wretched.

i was at the hove's on saturday night. played monopoly and ocarina of time.
watched the end of x-men 2 on sunday night.
and watched gladiator last night.

gladiator is a good one.

for one, it's a good ending to silence of adam.
though i guess i'm a bit funny right now, because it didn't have the emotional effect i would normally expect.

it's a movie with lots of action
but also wonderful depth and meaning.

and no sex!
not one scene
how incredible is that?!


on the topic of sex...
i've been listening to old xxxchurch podcasts the last two days while working.
they're rather entertaining.
often very interesting as well.
hmm... and a number of other good things.

i heard about this guy named...
jason harwell.
he has a song called "flowers" that's absolutely beautiful...
(xxxchurch plays the whole thing at 10:30 into podcast #63 [hahaha... of all the podcasts... if you listen to the whole thing and it's your first picture of xxxchurch prepare to be... a little weirded out? {in fact prepare to feel uncomfortable even if you do know what Craig and JR are about- for a minute or two at least}])

woohoo!
i got promoted
sort of...
i think.
my boss came and said he wanted to kick things up a bit.
most of what i do is make corrections and revisions on drawings. they give me a drawing with things that need to be changed marked in red, and i change it the way they want on the computer.
i'm not sure exactly what he's thinking... but it sounds like i'll get to do stuff that involves more thinking.
which is a good thing. :)

a good thing to do is write prayers down in journals, but instead of just using all the space for yourself... just write... a little bit. one thought, instead of a whole page long string of them. and then pause. and listen. and use a different color to write down what you think God has to say back. and have a conversation.

this has been one of those weird posts that i've been slowly adding to all day long.
the timestamp says 9 o'clock, but it's 3:30 now.
and i suppose there's not anything particularly meaningful.
but maybe you enjoyed it. :)

anyways
i need to finish drawing a concrete foundation before i leave

auf wiedersehen

fear

been rereading The Silence of Adam.

the gist...

"He's been building that boat for seven years that I know of. The blocks rotted out and he made concrete blocks. Every time he gets it nearly finished he changes it and starts over again. I think he's nuts. Seven years on a boat."

Doc was sitting on the ground pulling off his rubber boots. "You don't understand," he said gently. "Henri loves boats but he's afraid of the ocean."

"What's he want a boat for then?" Hazel demanded.

"He likes boats," said Doc. "But suppose he finishes his boat. Once it's finished people will say, 'Why don't you put it in the water?' Then if he puts it in the water, he'll have to go out in it, and he hates the water. So you see, he never finishes the boat--so he doesn't ever have to launch it."

Cannery Row
John Steinbeck

father love

read these lyrics, it's the end of the song.
as you do picture a child and a father.
(real ones mind you. i don't mean that in some religious metaphoric whatever kind of way)

"The Stand"-by Hillsong United

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory

so this week was excellent. especially tuesday. I started volunteering at Sheltering Arms. a day care/preschool for less wealthy people's children basically. i'll let you look that up on your own if you're confused. basically i spent 3 hours playing with 4/5 year olds.

it was wonderful :)
It made my entire day perfect.
It definitely helped me be focused on God.
And definitely made me more in love with him.

And of course that night at Navs before getting to his message, Donnie pointed out some lyrics in the song we finished with...
the one I just showed you
he emphasized:
"So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all"

He pointed out the way that paints a picture of a little child reaching up then being held close by their parent. How their heart is abandoned to their dad/mom.
He said he loves being a father because it's the best way ever to understand God's love for us. He tried to describe what it's like to have your daughter or son in your arms. Their heart abandoned, surrendered.

And I thought... wow. That sounds just like this morning. Sounds like the same feeling when you simply make a kid smile or laugh. Or when they hold your hand.
So... how much more if it's your own child!
And if they're completely abandoned to you, in your arms.

And apparently that's just a reflection of God's love.
What's the real thing like!?
...

(I'm glad our emotions are so limited. Otherwise we would surely explode.)

after waking

so i got Braveheart for Christmas and finally got around to watching it tonight.

and like every time i watch it
i see something new or fresh

earlier this month (while i was supposed to be studying for finals) i wrote a bit about my favorite scene
"he wakes" was the name of it i believe

...that really did mean a lot to me
the first time i noticed it was...
last november I think
maybe october
not long after Megan and i split up

i was rereading Wild at Heart around then too

see i realized the trap that i had been in
it took me a bit longer than Wallace to realize i was dreaming
caught up with wanting something that i couldn't have

we all have those things
we all dream something up
something we think will satisfy
whether we realize it or not

well God pointed it out to me.
pointed out the way i was depending
on a girl in this case.
i place this dependence in many things besides him
(for me i suppose girls are just one of the easier to do that with)

so then what?
i fought to wake up
as i was saying in that earlier post

and i've done it i'd say
so far as the girl mess is concerned

ha
and i've been so impressed with myself much of the time...
and so pleased...

that i forgot about the real fighting that needs to be done now

discipleship

i think the world has a serious lack of people for us to look up to and be encouraged by.
not enough real fathers (mothers) and brothers (sisters) and teachers.
the kind whose wisdom and confidence you respect and admire.

there's a beautiful story (in Wild at Heart I think. if you know tell me, i've been wondering about it) about a group of men during World War 2. paratroopers on D-day I believe. they come up to a house occupied by germans.
and they don't know what to do!
they went through basic training, they could fire their guns, they knew how to fight.
but when they were thrown into the reality of it, knowledge, and even ability, didn't help so much.
they were scared. they had never been in such a situation before.
like coming up to a math problem that... you have the ability to do. but you just don't know how to put your knowledge together to work out this particular one.

well, then another group of men come up, led by a veteran.
he asks why they aren't attacking. and then understands.

he doesn't get mad or discourage them. they've never done this before.
but it's a war. they can't be "children" forever...

he says two things
first: "watch."

he then signals for his men to surround the house.
a few grenades and gunshots later...
they have taken the house.

then he returns to the first group...
second: "you can do that. now go do it."

i love this story.
we need people in our lives to
teach us how to "take houses."
men who convince us we can do it too.
men who encourage and inspire us to go do it.
and i'll add one more...
men who enable us to teach others how.

i'm thankful that I have a few of those.
i think most people don't.

i want to be that for people. i hope God teaches me how to be a leader like that. one who is looked up to, who is an inspiration, who is a teacher.
goodness, only he can do that with me.

he wakes

this is probably in my top five favorite movie moments. funny, perhaps, because most people don't seem to notice it I think. in fact, if you look on movie quote websites they never have the 4th line, which changes the whole point of this scene. it's from Braveheart.

William Wallace dreams that he sees his wife, Murron. (who is dead)

William: I'm dreaming.

Murron: Yes you are, and you must wake.

William: I don't want to wake. I want to stay here with you.

Murron: And I with you. But you must wake now. Wake up, William.
Wake up. William, wake up.

(He wakes)

do you ever find yourself in places like this? caught in a dream, not wanting wake up to the "real world."

in this case it's a woman. I can identify with that sometimes.
it can be all sorts of things.
it's the peace and love and comfort that we desire in the end I suppose.

there's nothing wrong with those things.

yet she tells him to wake up.
and he does.
as we all must do.

why?
because we are called to live life. to live now.
Christ calls us to be laborers. ambassadors. heros. warriors.
these people don't lay around dreaming
they act. now.

so
despite our love of the dream
we hear the alarm clock
groan
roll out of bed
and mindlessly start living

wrong
so wrong

what is william wallace doing?!
fighting a war.
he has a mission...
and a vision,
a purpose,
a passion

and his wife?
yes, he loves her

if you recall,
it was Murron who inspired him to fight in the first place!
you see,
he doesn't choose between her and his war.

they're both part of this

just remember
that your life
your fight
your mission
should be your passion

you can have others
but let them be fuel for the race set out before you

rather than be absorbed with other desires
let them strengthen you

and then wake

perhaps that dream will be part of life one day
Wallace found love again, for example

but now...
remember
you have a mission
a vision
a passion

pursue it
run that race
fight the good fight

meaningful

wow
so you know that thing i posted the other day? (via xanga)
poem i guess you could call it
well maybe it was a week now

i was looking through the stuff i wrote that month
after megan and i broke up
it's beautiful
often very depressing and sad at times
but straight from the heart
and beautiful language
my heart was in it
it was passionate

i wish i could always write that way...

i think i'll probably stop writing so much just about "how my day went"
and more on my thoughts
the meaningful ones

here's a good rule of thumb maybe...
if there's a good title for the post, then it's meaningful
i think that pretty much holds true
the title should be the heart behind it
if it has no such point... then it was point-less

okay, that was on the verge of pointless

sadly, i must write a bit about this
because
i decided to write on blogspot
and all firsts have to have stuff like this discussed

for now i'll copy them to xanga
but if it gets annoying i'll have to stop

i've been thinking about many things lately
God's been teaching me about how my identity comes from him, and how to him I'm something to be loved.
more specifically... how i am his bride
i'm not just loved
i'm loved
like that

but that's not why i'm writing now
(it's also not... entirely... because i'm supposed to be studying now...)

People have also been on my heart
relationships with them
close ones
meaningful ones

one thing
is how precious my time at home is
the people there...
i hope that our relationships are meaningful to as many as possible

what does that mean?

i hope they learn from me
i hope they listen
i hope they know that i listen
and care
i hope they feel loved
because they are

seems like i've read on both Keith and Brother's blogs about depth in relationships
meaning
how... so often
especially between guys
it's just...
not

i'm still trying to learn how to do this
i'm thinking this year will help a lot

even my friendships here at college don't go to deep

i like talking to girls
that usually causes problems i've seen
not that talking to girls isn't good
it's just...
that thing i wrote last week
"guys: learn to share your heart with each other before sharing it with a girl"
same goes for girls

i want to share my heart with men
i don't entirely understand why it works that way... and that's getting off topic
but it's truth

i want to come home
and share my heart with people there

i hope they see how beautiful it is
and how beautiful theirs is

men:
i hope they figure out that it's not weird to share your heart
it's rather manly actually

i hope i can be a bit of a father
so they can figure out how to be a father
our world needs fathers more than anything else besides God
so they can receive the wisdom that i've been given

i hope i can be a brother
to encourage
not in sports, or school,
or any kind of encouragement that is intended to make them feel better inside

to encourage towards Christ

i want to experience the thrill of men opening they hearts to each other and God

women:
i want you to know from me that you are beautiful and loved
by God
i want you to see it and feel it and know it through our relationship

i want you to understand that my eyes are on God
not you
and i want your eyes to be on him
not a guy

i want to be an inspiration and leader to you

back to everyone...
i'm sick of being the guy who lets people come to me
who waits from somebody to ask
before i tell who i am

it's just like me/us to write about this isn't it?
to blog about how we wish our relationships were closer and more real

you know?
i think maybe i'm gonna do something about it

(some mewithoutYou to dwell on, with emphasis)
find a friend
and stay
close.

and with
a melting
heart

tell them whatever you're
most
ashamed of.

our parents have made
so many
mistakes...

but may we forgive them

and forgive ourselves