my portion

"because of the Lord's faithful love we do not perish, for his mercies never end.
they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!
i say: the Lord is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in Him."
lamentations 3:22-24

portion is not a particularly common word...
the main place i would use it is to describe the food on my plate at dinner time.

the writer declares that the Lord is his portion.
as do i.

and yet it's so easy to eye something different. something else.

the Lord is my portion.
my plate is full, with the best.
i have no reason to look elsewhere.
even if something else could satisfy, why does it matter?
my portion is in front of me.
my plate is full.
i have no reason to go elsewhere.

you can offer me more.
but i will say: no thanks, i don't really need anything else.

we often say that God is "enough" for us, in some way or another.
but do i mean that when i say it?
because if god is enough, it means i've got plenty on my plate to satisfy me.

i've got God on my plate.
you can pass me the bowl of good grades.
or offer me a piece of rest.
but i'm just going to pass it right along.
my plate is full, and i've already got more than enough to be satisfied.

i have no reason to put my hope elsewhere.
i've already got somewhere to put it.
i've already got the best place to put my hope.

my salvation lies in your love.

the blessings

the poor in spirit are the lucky ones!
because the kingdom of heaven is theirs.

those who mourn are the lucky ones!
because they will find comfort.

the gentle are the lucky ones!
because the earth will be given to them.

those who are hungry and thirsty to be like Christ are the lucky ones!
because they will be filled up.

those who show mercy are the lucky ones!
because God will show them mercy.

those who have pure hearts are the lucky ones!
because they will see God face to face.

those who bring peace are the lucky ones!
because they are God's children.

those who suffer for being like Christ are the lucky ones!
because the kingdom of heaven is theirs.

(the bold ones particularly stick out to me right now)

Free

I am free to love.
Free
to be
and to become.
Though I may reach for the stars,
You have placed them at my elbows and feet.

Take joy my Father
in what you see.
Me!
Beauty.
Bravery. Boldness.
Because I'm not just anyone,
but I'm Your son!

You give me peace and rest when I have none.
Wonderful Peace.

Free.
So that You might be glorified in me.

talking

i was just thinking about hanging out with people...

it's so troublesome!

i mean... you always have to DO things.
like eat
watch a movie
shop
get coffee
go to sport events
play a video game

you know what i mean?

am i the only one who gets tired of this?

don't get me wrong...
tonight i'm hopefully going to watch Narnia with people,
and i'm looking forward to it.

(anyone want to come over one afternoon/evening a week or two from now and watch Hook?!)

but to me
DOING things
gets pretty old pretty quickly.

it's the people that i'm interested in
not the things i do with them.

and often the DOING
distracts you from the person.


the reason all this was on my mind is because i started thinking about car rides.
i suppose because of riding to sharptop last weekend. and because my family's driving down to florida this weekend. but anyways

car rides are fantastic.
i decided they're probably one of the best ways to get to know a person.
the place where some of the best conversations happen.

you're just sitting there
strapped in
facing the same direction.

now sometimes you're worn out and need to sleep.
sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts.
and sometimes you really just want to listen to your own music.

but if you're going to interact with each other
basically all you can do is talk or listen to music together.
both of which are great.

you get to know them,
get to know yourself,
make the time memorable.

maybe you feel the same way :)


only problem
is that it's rather expensive to spend hours driving just as an excuse to hang out. :)

so
here's what it boils down to...

whoever you are,
if you ever want to...
go walking...
or even just come over to my house
and stare at the wall while we talk...
then please let me know.

there's possibly nothing i'd like more to do.

χάρις

we need to chill.

to stop working for his mercy,
because that's pride.
(working is done through him and after mercy does its work)

to stop discounting his grace,
because that's what we're doing when we don't believe it's enough for us.

and to let God love us.
because he wants to.


emotive unstable,
your like an
un
wind
ing
cable car.
listening for voices...
waiting for something? someone else?
but its the choices
that make us who we are.

so self-absorbed,
you seem to ignore
the prayers that have already come about!
go your own way,
if that's what you want...
even season have change;
just burn those new leaves over.

backing away from the problem of pain.
you never had a home.
you've been misguided.
you're hiding in shadows for so very long.
don't you see?
don't you believe that you've been decived,
that "your no better than..."?
the hair in your eyes, it never disguised
what your really thinking of.
(the lamp of the Lord searches the inmost being)

but

don't drop your arms! don't drop your arms!
I will guard your heart!
with quiet words I'll lead you in!

this
is the correlation
of Salvation and Love:

you
are so
brilliant!
don't soon forget!
you're so brilliant!
Grace
marked your heart.

don't drop your arms! don't drop your arms!
I will guard your heart!
with quiet words I'll lead you in!

you're so brilliant!
Grace
marked your heart.
don't soon forget!

release

is it not beautifully ironic that
a christian is someone who simply
realizes
that he doesn't
know God
at all?

we're so tied to ourselves.


what i want to do i do not do,
but what i hate i do.
i tear myself to pieces,
and really, i don't like it.

but then i won't even let myself be forgiven.

last night i went to write in my journal
i think i was just headed for another prayer about being sorry and frustrated with myself.
and i realized it was the same condemning part of me, which had lead me to make mistakes in the first place, who was making me feel that way now!

silly me

it's serious really,
but i think he'd also love if i made a big deal about it
(the part of joshua who tore himself up in the first place and then wouldn't let him fix himself, that is),
because his goal is just to keep me away from God.

he did it by separating me from God,
but Jesus came to fix that.

then he did it by separating me from Jesus,
but i suppose the Spirit made me realize it.

he could also do it again by getting me to spend so much time thinking about... for example, how dumb I was (in both ways now), that, once again, i get distracted from the point.

like getting stuck for a long time studying some math problem, which isn't going to be on the test.
or thinking so much about how to be a good football player that you never take time to play.


so
let's just forget about ourselves, shall we?
let's just stop trying to figure out and understand things.
let's stop feeling like we have to
accept,
and simply receive.

let's stop stopping ourselves from being blessed by God,
and let's stop stopping ourselves from letting God by too BIG to understand.
so that we can stop stopping ourselves from praising him.

hopefully that was coherent. :)

peace

darn
i just realized i missed my 4th xanga anniversary by about a month
a while back i planned on celebrating

how crazy
to think i can look back 4 years ago at what was going on in my life from week to week
from a sophomore in high school to a sophomore in college

anyways

i shouldn't be on here now
it's 2:20
and i'm tired
and i have German homework due at 11

i've been really really busy
not necessarily all bad busy
but busy nonetheless

i need a moment to just let out a "BLAH"
:)

it's good that God has been close to my heart this week
and my mind too!

that's the hardest part for me
having God on my mind

i wish i could sing the first part of this one Misty Edwards song with 100% honesty...

"Always On His Mind"
Lord, I will seek You
On my bed, think upon You
In the day, I'll dream of You
You're always on my mind
With my whole heart I'll love You
With my mind and my strength too
Waste my life searching for You
You're always on my mind
Though I'm poor and needy, the Lord thinks upon me
Though His name is Holy, I'm always on His mind - I'm always on His mind
Though I'm weak and lowly, the Lord thinks about me
Though He's high and lofty, I'm always on His mind - I'm always on His mind
I'm in love with god
God's in love with me
Hey - Yeah
How far will You let me go? How abandoned will You let me be?

this worked out even better than i thought :)
i think he wants me to write this

because i was just going to say next that i'm thankful he holds me close despite my crazy mind.
exactly what the 2nd half says.

haha
and Nate talked about peace the other night
i completely forgot about that

i have been rather peaceful this week
despite many stresses
that's good :)

i just reread what i wrote on november 11, 2007
it goes with this well






God loves me :)






The work God has given me today is finished.

thursdays

have i ever said how much i love thursdays?

they're wonderful
mainly because... i don't have much to do on them
which means free time
time that i don't have something planned
time in which i can justify not doing things with an innocent conscience :)

today i was particularly reminded that i love life

i think the weather had a bit to do with it
there's something nice about not having to wear a jacket
something nice about breezes that don't make you shiver
breezes which sometimes even feel nice

the coming of spring break also helped
i'm basically on it now
i have one class tomorrow, and considering we had a test yesterday, i'm sure we won't be doing anything really

i just feel very free
i should always feel that way i think

"the truth will set you free"
which makes perfect sense
because i'm awful at remembering the truth

you know i realized a few weeks ago that i don't rest enough
God himself even commanded us to
and even the world recognizes that rest is awesome :)
so then why is it so hard to rest?

it really is a tough thing to do
i think resting requires God
i mean, even sleep doesn't really help. while it might help you be a bit less physically tired, you get up and everything you need to do comes back and you're right back in the middle of it.

it's quite true that peace is rest and order in the middle of chaos rather than escape.

make sure you take time to rest

father love

read these lyrics, it's the end of the song.
as you do picture a child and a father.
(real ones mind you. i don't mean that in some religious metaphoric whatever kind of way)

"The Stand"-by Hillsong United

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory

so this week was excellent. especially tuesday. I started volunteering at Sheltering Arms. a day care/preschool for less wealthy people's children basically. i'll let you look that up on your own if you're confused. basically i spent 3 hours playing with 4/5 year olds.

it was wonderful :)
It made my entire day perfect.
It definitely helped me be focused on God.
And definitely made me more in love with him.

And of course that night at Navs before getting to his message, Donnie pointed out some lyrics in the song we finished with...
the one I just showed you
he emphasized:
"So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all"

He pointed out the way that paints a picture of a little child reaching up then being held close by their parent. How their heart is abandoned to their dad/mom.
He said he loves being a father because it's the best way ever to understand God's love for us. He tried to describe what it's like to have your daughter or son in your arms. Their heart abandoned, surrendered.

And I thought... wow. That sounds just like this morning. Sounds like the same feeling when you simply make a kid smile or laugh. Or when they hold your hand.
So... how much more if it's your own child!
And if they're completely abandoned to you, in your arms.

And apparently that's just a reflection of God's love.
What's the real thing like!?
...

(I'm glad our emotions are so limited. Otherwise we would surely explode.)

people and christmas and reading

sorry i haven't written in a while dear Readers :)

i wanted to write many times during finals week so badly
but i was as studious as possible

and Christmas break, while full of "free time," has been slowly eaten away. between spending time with people, reading, and sleeping, i've had little other time

"spending time with people" is my favorite thing to do
Jon got Rock Band for Christmas. my brothers and I made a band. pretty much we're pretty big on the music scene these days. that was fun.
Reece, Nathan, and Jason came over last week. watched a sweet movie (Pan's Labyrinth) and talked a lot. and played with Nathan's iPhone. ^_^ we didn't fall asleep until like 6:30 the next morning. haven't done that in too long.
went and had coffee with Kate. just talking about all sorts of things. that's fun.
stayed up last night a little bit. had a sleepover in Jake's room. playing Oblivion.
hopefully going to Digger's tomorrow night for trivia?
and so on
it's the perfect way to spend time

Christmas
my favorite Christmas present was encouragement from God.

i was reminded how much he loves me.
he told me over and over again.

and he asked me to respond to this...
you can look on your own at what he said: John 21:15-19

And he also reminded me of these things...

2 Samuel 22, especially:

33 It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

34 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.

35 He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

along with Judges 6:12...

"The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

other Christmas presents include...
new bike
german bible
airsoft pistol
new Falling Up cd
4x4x4 rubik's cube
a cool necklace
journal
Braveheart
a book- The Cost of Discipleship

i've been reading that book already actually. i'm about halfway through. borrowed it from Sterling. but i wanted my own copy.
i'll talk about it when i'm done reading it. it's good.

i also started reading a book called unChristian. about the way our culture/generation views Christianity. very interesting.

i read Prince Caspian on the way up to north carolina. i love Narnia. :)

i also read Redeeming Love. an incredible book. more on this later too i suppose.

for now i'm busy spending time with people
and this is distracting :)
and i'm sleepy :)

patience

God grant me peace...

i've had so much studying and german essay writing to do this weekend...

i'm not in the mood
but "do everything without arguing or complaining," right? :)

oh wow
this font's parenthesis are perfect for smilies
anyways

what i have been in the mood to do is be with people
talk to people
love people
teach people

people at school who i don't have much time left to be with for a full month
and people at home who i'm overjoyed to spend time with soon now

i'm looking forward to the break so very much

and yet
i'm stuck
here

studying for exams
and writing this darn essay

i'm doing a rather awful job of it too

there are more productive forms of procrastination :)
like spending time with God randomly
or walking back all the way to campus after church to spend time with people
or reading the Bible in german

and less productive forms
like facebook
or wookiepedia (probably my favorite website by the way, you can go there when you're done reading this)
...I was about to model a 3D lightsaber on the computer...

but I'm always drawn back to the fact that...
I do indeed need to be studying

i'm tired of it
i'm ready for the semester to be over

however
this
is where God has me.
this is where i need to be now

we need to learn how to do what he says when he says it
we christians want him to be in control
and yet when he tells us what to do so plainly but we don't like it... we're quick to forget that we asked this upon ourselves :)

i for one need patience
to keep my head in the game.
to keep my priorities in line with God's desires
and not my own.

okay so...
time to stop procrastinating again ;)

thanksgiving

Hope you all have as much to be thankful for as i do
blessed to the point where no amount of giving back would repay it
all you can do is express thankfulness

have a good Thanksgiving :)

(rest for goodness sake!)

You are more beautiful
Than anyone ever
Everyday You're the same
You never change, no never

And how could I ever deny
The love of my Savior
You are to me everything
All I need forever

How could You be so good to me?

There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You

Everywhere, You are there
Earth or air, surrounding
I'm not alone, the heavens sing along
My God You're so astounding
How could You be so good to me
Eternally I believe that

There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You
You, You, You, You, You, You

How could You be so good to me?
How could You be so good to me?
We're not alone, so sing along
We're not alone, so sing along, sing along, sing along

There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There his no one like our God, yeah

it is finished

does anybody else feel worn out trying to get everything done?

if i sit down and write out a simple list of the most important things in my life
trying to do everything i feel like i need to do for those priorities in a day seems impossible!

we're never really done

and then God tells us things like...

be still
and know that I am God

he tell us to rest
slow down

he tells us sitting at his feet is better than preparing him a meal

how can he expect this?
i mean... honestly i feel like my priorities are God's heart most of the time!
i feel like God wants me to make some person a priority
i feel like he wants me to be part of this or that
how can he tell me to slow down and give it a rest if these things are his ideas!?






check this out
Jesus did the whole ministry thing for 3 years
he had just...
3 years to teach people what God's heart is
3 years to convince people of who he was
3 years to make a difference in people's lives
3 years to train a handful of disciples to the point that they were capable of changing the world

okay really now
3 years?

some of you reading this are in college or older
i know
that you realize how short 3 years is.
if you're in my class, we're a few short weeks from being halfway through that.
double the time you've been in college. that's how long Jesus had to make a complete and permanent impact on the entire world.

even if you're younger i'm sure you can understand this
3 years
is not a long time

at all.






what did he say after 3 years?
John 17:4
"I have brought you glory on earth by...
completing
the work you gave me to do"


does that even make sense?
how could he say that?

surely there's something else he could do!
there's always another person to be healed.
there's always another lesson to be taught.

but no

his work was completed

interesting
how is this?

i think it lies in our priorities
even if they're not excellent ones

we weren't created to be so task oriented

Jesus knew who he was
who he belonged to

that's the first step
to BE

then what did he do?
look at Mark 1:35-39

he sought out God
God's will
each day
and the strength to carry it out

he didn't have a list of priorities and a long to-do list of ways to meet those

it was so simple to him

and at the end of the day
he could say "everything i came to do is finished"

just think about it yourself

and seek to live in a way
that when you go to bed each night
you are at peace as you say "the work God has given me to day is complete"