parallel

broken open
humbled

in a hole
not at the bottom, but falling

i don't grab for anything
because there's nothing to grab

i'm trying
i'm trying
but trying is never good enough
and i don't know how to stop trying

inherent flaw
i don't know where from
it always has been
gnawing flaw

flaw leading to humility
only shameful humility

do i not know how to love?
or am i just a poor lover?
or do i just make mistakes

wall between us

if you forgive
i cannot accept
because trying isn't good enough

if you don't
i wither and toss and turn

stormy waves inside me
and i'm seasick

love

i know i need you
i need to love you, lord
i love to see you, but it's been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?

now you've pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still i'm afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
lord, i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?

i hear you say:
my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you question 'is this for real?'
the times you're broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
i'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
i'm there through your heartache
i'm there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i don't care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends,
it never ends

(times by tenth avenue north)

response to failure

i've never paid much attention to the end of the Bathsheba ordeal. (2 Samuel 12)
you hear about the big time David screwed up,
and how Nathan came and pointed it out,
and perhaps how it caused a lot of problems.

but it sort of has a good ending.
certainly one to learn from.

first he confesses his sin.
brings it out. admits guilt.
this is where we have to start.

then spends time grieving the outcome.
taking it in, and asking for mercy and forgiveness.
we have to understand the weight of what we've done, i think.

and once that's over
it's over
David surprises his servants by suddenly acting normal again out of nowhere.
when God has made up his mind, when the punishment is set and when his love is poured out...
that's it.
it's finished.

time to move on.
how does he do this?
he got up from the ground.
he washed off and changed clothes.
he went to the house of the Lord (into God's presence) and worshipped.
then he went home and ate.

first he stopped asking for mercy and apologizing.
then took off his old self, got himself clean, and put on something new.
then went back to God... to worship! (that is the hardest part for me i think)

first he dealt with God.
then, he does a few more things....

like i said before,
he went home and ate.
he jumped right back into every day life.

also, it says that he comforted Bathsheba (now his wife).
his sin had seriously affected her.
he couldn't do things over. he couldn't bring back her husband or her son.
but
he could appologize and comfort her and love her.

finally, he went off to war.
remember that this is where he was supposed to be in the first place.
God had given him a mission, a purpose.
he had screwed this up before.
i think he sinned before he ever set eyes on Bathsheba! simply because he failed to make his God-given vision the highest priority.
he wasn't going to make that mistake again.
he marched back out to the battle.

and he was victorious.

a prayer: Qanna + hebrews 2:18

i wrote this in my journal recently.
this is one of those particularly personal ones that i just felt like sharing...

God, why do I feel like you can't satisfy me?
Just yesterday I asked for just a little taste. Surely that should be enough?
But where are you then? Because right now I don't want you.
Save me!
I know that it is temptation I fight. But I feel like a starving man rejecting bread.
It's torture. It's hard. And I don't believe I can stand it forever.
God, I fall far short of you. I confess that I do not truly acknowledge your love. Your greatness. Your glory. Your perfection.
You are life. You are joy. And while I know this, I can hardly believe or accept it, right now.
That is sin.
And even more... I also doubt your power. A piece of me says it acknowledges that you made the world and everything in it. That you weigh the islands as though they were fine dust. That you could destroy everything with one word from your mouth.
But once again, my heart doubts. Because if I truly understood and believed then I would know and see that your strength is enough to deliver me. I would trust that, because Jesus himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those, like me, who are being tempted.
I am broken, messy, needy. And I want to let other gods fix it.
I am ashamed God, but honest.
This is exactly how we're supposed to come to you, right?
Why is the darkness so much more comfortable?
Why is building my own fire so much easier? And why am I so convinced that last time I made one it was warmer than yours?

I don't understand it.
We never do, do we? When we are being attacked I mean.
Do we need to?
I guess not. I just figured it would be easier if we knew where we belonged. But we do! I do. I know it when I choose to leave you.
It's the "why" that doesn't make sense.
But I don't think we need to know this. Who questions where they belong if they know they belong there?!
I belong to you.
I belong with you.
Please make me confident of this. Mark me.
Hold me.
I know you love me.
You make me whole.
You will protect me.

You just did.

a healthy diet

(I wrote this a while back and have decided to share it.)

If only
we could get it in our heads...
In our hearts!
In the very core of our understanding...
That we need you.
With a need that is more vital even than food & water.
Often it seems
we are only ever thankful for such
simple
Necessities
when we realize how much they are needed.
And when they are scarce.
So it is with you.
If I need your Spirit I'll just
turn the handle
and out it pours.
Or open the door to find a shelf full of the Bread of Life.
So then why do I barely scrounge together one
decent meal each day? (if that)
The same cereal. The same sandwich.
Trading meat for snacks.
Because I'm too lazy?
Because I don't understand?
Because, ultimately, I don't think I need you.

The effects of
starvation and dehydration
are evident.
And, try as I might,
one meal won't solve the problem.

flaw

i think this is more...
me trying to talk/think through this than it is me trying to explain it to you
it's fresh stuff
new ideas and thoughts

hopefully it makes a bit of sense

i learned something about myself yesterday.
perhaps i just finally got old enough to see it, i dunno.

i discovered a place that my parents made a mistake.

they never really put much responsibility on us.
never made us very disciplined.

like...
we never really had chores for example.
it's not like i was entirely spoiled or something,
i just never had much to be responsible about.

as a result i grew up with a poor... ability (?) to do things that i don't want to do.
there's more to it though...

they would give us jobs to do now and then
like bring in/out the trash or do the dishes
and we would put it off until we felt like it
often forgetting about it.

which always resulted in one of two things:
either they they handled it themselves and told me about it,
or reminded me and told me to "do it this second"

usually
it was either their threat or guilt remembered from last time that drove me to DO things.
to be responsible
to be disciplined

don't get me wrong
it wasn't exactly the threat or the guilt that got me off my butt.
but it often took those to remind me that i genuinely wanted to be a help to my parents.

i simply grew up with this... selfish, lazy immaturity
that never really learned how to
stop
and recognize that
there's something I need to get done
and if i really think about it... it is my desire to get it done

i learned to complain about it
or to downplay the importance of getting it done
or to push it off until i'm in the mood

truth is
there are things in life that we have to do
even when we're not in the mood

i also picked up the habit of not acting until after i feel bad about it

i really do care!
honest.

i'm not saying that guilt drives me
it's just that
usually something outside of myself has to remind me that i DO care

if that makes sense

anyways

i actually already realized some of this...

what i didn't see until yesterday
is that it affected my relationship with God

when trial and temptation comes...
it's hard to choose God when you're used to doing what YOU want

it's not an impossible task,
to choose God i mean
but against logic and discipline...
i disobey
because (in addition to my human nature in the first place)
i still have that heightened piece of selfish immaturity.

and of course i feel bad afterwards!
i genuinely do. just like i felt bad after ignoring and forgetting to take out the trash or mow the yard or clean my room
i regret it

but...
i'm still stuck with this... whatever
that makes the same choices next time...

i need to learn how to do his will even when i don't want to

i flop back and forth:
i fight to see God's beauty and let that determine my actions...
but i'm human
there are times i have to do his will when i don't want to
so i fail
and then i fight to be disciplined
but i fail there too

it has to become part of me

a soldier doesn't question his officer.
somewhere along the road he learned that obedience was good
and now he does it without thinking.

i never really learned that.

one thing is for sure...
only God can break it...

I am selfish.
I am wrong.

I am right,
I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along...

And I am flawed!

but [we are] cleaning up so well.

I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...
*smile*

poems

one of my poems i reread tonight and wanted to share.
i didn't name at the time.
it's sad
awful really
but separated from the second half of the story...
it is very very true
and real

They are...
tired.
Tired of thee apparent machine
that chews them up
crunches every resolve
chains their hearts.
And tired of failing to unlock them.

They are...
scary.
Each a portfolio of child-drawn
monsters and aliens:
A new hideous sketch every time,
to highlight every disgusting characteristic.

They are...
plural.
Everywhere you look, surrounding you,
In plain sight,
And in the smallest of dark corners.
Filling oceans with tears, because.....

They are...
alone.
Every single one cut off.
From each other. From every other.
From hope.
Every whispered plea either
fearfully ignored or faithlessly forgotten.


and just for your enjoyment
a poem i wrote about two years ago, in the style of William Carlos Williams
only the artistic types such as myself seem to understand and enjoy it.

the
green
pencil sharpener