flaw

i think this is more...
me trying to talk/think through this than it is me trying to explain it to you
it's fresh stuff
new ideas and thoughts

hopefully it makes a bit of sense

i learned something about myself yesterday.
perhaps i just finally got old enough to see it, i dunno.

i discovered a place that my parents made a mistake.

they never really put much responsibility on us.
never made us very disciplined.

like...
we never really had chores for example.
it's not like i was entirely spoiled or something,
i just never had much to be responsible about.

as a result i grew up with a poor... ability (?) to do things that i don't want to do.
there's more to it though...

they would give us jobs to do now and then
like bring in/out the trash or do the dishes
and we would put it off until we felt like it
often forgetting about it.

which always resulted in one of two things:
either they they handled it themselves and told me about it,
or reminded me and told me to "do it this second"

usually
it was either their threat or guilt remembered from last time that drove me to DO things.
to be responsible
to be disciplined

don't get me wrong
it wasn't exactly the threat or the guilt that got me off my butt.
but it often took those to remind me that i genuinely wanted to be a help to my parents.

i simply grew up with this... selfish, lazy immaturity
that never really learned how to
stop
and recognize that
there's something I need to get done
and if i really think about it... it is my desire to get it done

i learned to complain about it
or to downplay the importance of getting it done
or to push it off until i'm in the mood

truth is
there are things in life that we have to do
even when we're not in the mood

i also picked up the habit of not acting until after i feel bad about it

i really do care!
honest.

i'm not saying that guilt drives me
it's just that
usually something outside of myself has to remind me that i DO care

if that makes sense

anyways

i actually already realized some of this...

what i didn't see until yesterday
is that it affected my relationship with God

when trial and temptation comes...
it's hard to choose God when you're used to doing what YOU want

it's not an impossible task,
to choose God i mean
but against logic and discipline...
i disobey
because (in addition to my human nature in the first place)
i still have that heightened piece of selfish immaturity.

and of course i feel bad afterwards!
i genuinely do. just like i felt bad after ignoring and forgetting to take out the trash or mow the yard or clean my room
i regret it

but...
i'm still stuck with this... whatever
that makes the same choices next time...

i need to learn how to do his will even when i don't want to

i flop back and forth:
i fight to see God's beauty and let that determine my actions...
but i'm human
there are times i have to do his will when i don't want to
so i fail
and then i fight to be disciplined
but i fail there too

it has to become part of me

a soldier doesn't question his officer.
somewhere along the road he learned that obedience was good
and now he does it without thinking.

i never really learned that.

one thing is for sure...
only God can break it...

I am selfish.
I am wrong.

I am right,
I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along...

And I am flawed!

but [we are] cleaning up so well.

I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...
*smile*