love

i know i need you
i need to love you, lord
i love to see you, but it's been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?

now you've pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still i'm afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
lord, i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?

i hear you say:
my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you question 'is this for real?'
the times you're broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
i'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
i'm there through your heartache
i'm there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i don't care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends,
it never ends

(times by tenth avenue north)

valley of the shadow

i need a quick break.

is this... the first all-nighter i've done in college?
really?

surely not... but i don't remember actually staying up ALL night before, and into the next day.
maybe i've just forgotten?

seems like i normally give myself at least an hour of sleep even at the worst...
what's going on with me?
(insert smile mixed with curious and serious, but not overly so, expression here)

anyways...
maybe i will get a bit of shuteye before it's over... still 3 hours before my test.

i'm not terribly efficient anymore.
the sad thing is i'm more efficient than i am in the middle of the day.

i think it's the pressure.
i need pressure to motivate me.

i think i'm not very self-motivated.
sure i am with some things...
but not most. not many.


erin bought c.s. lewis' space trilogy.
for some unknown reason it's a very unknown set of books he wrote.

i got to read the first one.
it was brilliant.

i can't say much about what it was about and what it meant on here in the event that erin or chelsea or someone else who will be made to read it sees this and i spoil the book.

i love the way he can detach you from religion,
and then challenge you to think about the way you think.

i wish i could always see myself,
and the world,
and God
from such a... pure point of view.
the way He sees it.
the way he created us to see it, i think.


hm...
i guess i'm not so much on the dark side of titan...
but more...
in a shadowed valley with the slow-rising sun blocked, just behind the mountains.


part of "only a shadow" by misty edwards

i know where i came from.
i know where i am going.

my Father, He is God,
and my Maker.
He is my Husband.
eternity is my home.

His name is written on my forehead
and my name is written on the palm of His hand.

He is mine, and i am His.
He is mine, and i am His.

so take my body if you please,
and try,
try and take all of me.

but my soul He keeps.
my soul He keeps.

though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
the Lord,

He is my Shepherd.
He is my Shepherd.

i am my Beloved's and He is mine.
rightly do i love Him, though i walk through the valley of the shadow.

sigh

today i was truly resting in god.
it was wondrous.
i was just walking back from class smiling.
people were probably wondering what i thought was so funny...

and then he showed me a glimpse of my future, i think.
the brief version of the story...

i've been thinking about spending a few months with this awesome ministry called eMi.
i found it one day in high school, when we were in the library doing research for something or other. and i've thought about it randomly from time to time since. a few weeks ago i sent an email asking for more information, and i've been waiting for them to get back to me...

then this morning i went to a lecture by the guy who founded engineers without borders, another awesome organization. it reminded me/got me pretty excited about how i can use my education in really cool ways.

then i got back to my room,
and while i was gone eMi responded to me.

i definitely plan on working with them.
the only question is when...


and i let that question bother me.
started worrying about it.

then i did some homework.
and got frustrated and stressed by tricky homework problems.

and forgot that god gives me peace.
forgot how he's taking care of me...
right
in front
of my eyes!
yet i still struggled to trust him instead of myself.


this isn't utter sadness. :)
i have hope.
it's not that big a deal.

i just couldn't help but let out a sigh at how ridiculous i can be.


he made the world a grassy road before our bare, wandering feet,
and crushed the stones into the softest sand between our toes.

but we're wondering where to sleep.

come quick, you light that knows no evening
come, alone to the alone!

rejoice, the cleansing of my lips
Rejoice, salvation of my soul!

but I still have a thousand half-loves well worth leaving for to take your madness home.

dying

you're dying to live,
you're dying to know what love is.

and I'm dying to show you something more.

refreshment

some part of me has been rather dry lately...
uninspired

why?

who knows.

i'm slowly feeling more refreshed i think
and confident that the work here will be carried on to completion.

anyways
i adore Jon Foreman songs right now.

it's interesting how songs taken straight from the bible are particularly meaningful to me.

some of my favorite bits...


both of our hands
are equally skilled
at doing evil
equally skilled
at bribing the judges
equally skilled
at perverting justice
both of our hands

and both of his hands
are equally skilled
at ruining evil
equally skilled
at judging the judges
equally skilled
administring justice
both of his hands


would you create in me a clean heart, oh God
restore in me the joy of my salvation
wash me white as snow
and i will be made whole


this cross, my love, is mine, my love
to bear, my love, to die, my love
this cup, my love, this bread, my love
my life, my love, is yours, my love
come drink, my love, my blood, my love
my life, my love, in death, my love
my God, my love, my life, my love
is yours, my love, my bride, my love


all along-
thought I was learning how to take
how to bend not how to break
how to live not how to cry
but really
i've been learning how to die


baptize my mind
baptize my eyes
baptize my mind
for a seed to give birth to life
first it must die


i look at the meadow
and stare at the flowers
better dressed than any girl
on her wedding day

the kingdom of the heavens
is buried treasure.
will you sell yourself
to buy the one you've found?

two things you told me
that you are strong
and you love me

(that whole song- you're love is strong- is entirely superb)

dance

expanding some thoughts from a few months ago...

so as Christians we're often quick to throw out the phrase "walk with God."
it's a cool metaphor.
walking implies you're going about it slowly. your life with him is long but steady. not a race, but a journey.
and so on

but that's just one way to look at it

i know a girl who once asked "why don't we dance with God?"

good question

what does that metaphor mean?
i'll let you think about that and figure it out for yourself.

the point of this isn't to tell you what that means exactly, or how to do it.
i will go so far as to propose that God is the lead.
and so from there... i haven't a clue what his dance with you would look like.

i simply hope to encourage you, and hopefully myself as well, to dance

one of my brother's favorite quotes:
"Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

i feel like we're always so busy trying to get on top of everything.
we want to be... ready, prepared, perfect before we start.

but things like music and dancing don't work that way.
you can't think it through all the way. can't make sense of everything.
you just have to do it. or else you'll never get around to it.

i heard this song when somebody was listening to the radio.
i think i've heard it before. i think it might be one of those songs that most people are annoyed with. but oh well :)
look at the words, cause they're excellent in my opinion. if you consider how God is involved throughout them.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone)

this week

hope your week was as great as mine!

i ate a red pickle
turns out that's a pickled plum

went swing dancing last night
by the end i was doing a decent job i think
even made up a thing or two of my own :)

today i went to Cody's
first we played a war game that i sucked at :)
then we played some cheap yet incredible awesome arcade-type game where you basically flew around in space above a planet and shot asteroids and aliens. A simple, old school game. Turns out those are still some of the best.

took some nice pictures

and got a job as a Peer Leader for next year. :)
(if you don't go to Tech, that's an RA for freshmen basically)
i'm quite excited about this.
i'll be somewhere in Freeman/Fitten/Montag. i'd originally hoped to be on east campus... but i've decided i'm quite okay with this now.
and I think my hall director is a Christian. which... will make it even better in many ways i think.


pray that I figure out what to do this summer in the next week...


I'm Not Running- Cool Hand Luke

For the message
Of the cross is
Foolishness
To those who are perishing
But to us
Being saved
It’s the power
Of God (I Corinthians 1:18)

There’s no turning back
Unless we’re turning back to you

I’m not running away from this
I’m not falling asleep
I’m not taking a bribe from anyone for anything
I’m not running away from this
I’m not falling asleep
I’m not turning back on the one thing that I know

We’re the foolish
We’re the weak ones
We’re the lowly
And despised things that are not
God will take us
He will shape us
He will make us
Nullify the things that are (I Corinthians 1:27-28)
There’s no turning back
Unless we’re turning back to you

I have given up on breathing and all I need is You
I am never going down for air again

father love

read these lyrics, it's the end of the song.
as you do picture a child and a father.
(real ones mind you. i don't mean that in some religious metaphoric whatever kind of way)

"The Stand"-by Hillsong United

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory

so this week was excellent. especially tuesday. I started volunteering at Sheltering Arms. a day care/preschool for less wealthy people's children basically. i'll let you look that up on your own if you're confused. basically i spent 3 hours playing with 4/5 year olds.

it was wonderful :)
It made my entire day perfect.
It definitely helped me be focused on God.
And definitely made me more in love with him.

And of course that night at Navs before getting to his message, Donnie pointed out some lyrics in the song we finished with...
the one I just showed you
he emphasized:
"So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all"

He pointed out the way that paints a picture of a little child reaching up then being held close by their parent. How their heart is abandoned to their dad/mom.
He said he loves being a father because it's the best way ever to understand God's love for us. He tried to describe what it's like to have your daughter or son in your arms. Their heart abandoned, surrendered.

And I thought... wow. That sounds just like this morning. Sounds like the same feeling when you simply make a kid smile or laugh. Or when they hold your hand.
So... how much more if it's your own child!
And if they're completely abandoned to you, in your arms.

And apparently that's just a reflection of God's love.
What's the real thing like!?
...

(I'm glad our emotions are so limited. Otherwise we would surely explode.)

the zombie song

We’re like zombies
Like the walking dead
With X’s (excess) in our eyes
And music in our heads
We’ve forgotten
Our first love
And made it pictures
Of crosses and doves

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

We all follow
But we’re standing still
Reciting dead words
With hopeless zeal
We’re all preachers
With our mouths closed
Clothing messages
In sugar coats

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

I wanna hide beneath the pretty paint
I wanna be okay with everything
I wanna be transformed and stay the same
I wanna be dry in the rain

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

Running in this stupid circle
Running in the stupid circle
Our souvenirs won’t be worth a single thing
And Truth will never be “in”

by Cool Hand Luke

desperation

I'm Not Alright
Sanctus Real
If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of,
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune-I only wanna be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
and when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
Because honestly, I'm not that strong

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all i go through - it leads me to you, it leads me to you

(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved)

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all I go through leads me to you, leads me to you

I'm not alright - I'm not alright - I'm not alright
Thats why I need you

Captain I'm Fine And Thanks For Everything
Right Away, Great Captain
(I've added some punctuation though.)
captains glory-
the trumpets will sound.
I'm unfamiliar;
you're under the ground.
and i tried crying...
but strength was unveiled.
you left us you bastard...
you left us to sail.

and i won't, let you down.
no i won't, let you down.

and in the winters
i need you around.
i still feel sorrow
and i still write it down.
and my children there's just fine;
they'd of loved you, you know.
there fathers a captain
with a beard just like you.

and i won't, let you down
no i won't, let you down

Don't Kid Yourself, You Need a Physician
Anathalo
"In my room, in my room,
In this gospel I have made,
Salvation is a broken cistern in a handmade frame."

Some stuff from Band of Brothers...
2nd Lt. George Rice: Looks like you guys are going to be surrounded.
Richard Winters: We're paratroopers, Lieutenant, we're supposed to be surrounded.

Ronald Spiers: We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead.

Some good quotes to think about...
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dirty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
T.E. Lawrence

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

church bells

song lyrics....
they're incredibly perfect
sorry i put up song lyrics so often
God just really speaks to me a lot through things i read. whether that's books, poems, songs, whatever.
i'll try to be better at commenting on them myself...

' asleep in the chapel'
by thursday

three chalk outlines sleep in the dirty street
and in our beds, under the sheets
they're the halo of guilt hanging around your neck
next to the rosary you count, falling asleep

and we're praying
these are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope

since we can't compete with martyred saints
we'll douse ourselves in gasoline
and hang our bodies from the lampposts
so that our shadows turn into bright lights

'white light, white heat' we'll make
as we're blacking out in the center lane
(we swerve) to the beat, (spill) all the ink
(no revisions) do you hear the church bells ringing?

wake up!! wake up in an outline and try to speak
with the shattered voice of the lives we lead...
have we slept too long
between the bullet holes in a stained-glass window state?

and we're praying
these are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope
(when we repent)
and we're praying
(we fall on the page, read in the margins)
we are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope

someday we'll be complete like modern saints
baptize our kids in gasoline
and hang our doubts up in cathedrals
so that they turn to faith in the colored sunlight

'red rain, red rain' we'll make
as we're blacking out in the center lane
(we swerve) to the beat, (spill) all the ink
(no revisions) do you hear the church bells ringing?

they ring for you.

we woke up this morning to a sky with no air in it
and all the streets are filled with a thousand burning crosses
and what we thought was the sunrise, just passing headlights
still the choir girls sing, 'oh lord, can you save us? oh lord, sing hallelujah'

they are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope...
we're falling asleep with open eyes
falling asleep inside the chapel
falling asleep in chalk outlines
falling asleep as the headlights pass us by...


there are a few things to notice
things i like

first is the gasoline baptism
what a beautiful picture
John baptized with water
what does that mean? my understanding has always been like a washing off of sin
you confess your dirtiness to God and he forgives you
the baptism is symbolic of what's going on
is that what baptism is today?

God changed things a bit
he baptizes us with the Holy Spirit it says
with himself
in Acts he came into our hearts
we use that phrase a lot
i like the way it says it in 'The Vision': we've had a blood transfusion with Jesus
that's what it means

he came upon them like fire!
why do we have cuddly happy baptisms
let us stop baptizing with water
and smiling at our friends about how happy it is
let us come to God ready for him to ignite us on fire
and let us spread this idea
to our friends
and one day to our children
why must we be "Christians"
why can't we be modern saints
modern Stephens
modern Peters
modern Pauls

see
so many are asleep
i would drop the word Christian if it was possible
Christians, as defined by the world today, are asleep
maybe in church, but very asleep
they disagree over every other thing
many go to church just once or twice a year
heck, many go to church every week
and are still asleep

wake up!! wake up!
the church bells ring for you
church bells were created to let the people around know that they needed to stop what they were doing
and come to church
come to God
can you hear them ringing for you?

or are you so distracted by school,
your girlfriend,
a cute boy,
your weight,
your friends,
your problems (as real as they may be),
video games,
sports,
marching band,
that you don't even realize that they are ringing?

and
when you do hear
and you are stunned
and you vow to not go back to sleep...
do you lay in bed just one more minute
and fall back asleep in its warmth and comfort?

i see that happening all around me
i do it too i know
how sad

just because you're eyes are open and you're alive
doesn't mean you are awake
are you falling asleep, in a chalk outline?
are you in the church, but still sleeping?

wake up