love

i know i need you
i need to love you, lord
i love to see you, but it's been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?

now you've pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still i'm afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
lord, i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?

i hear you say:
my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you question 'is this for real?'
the times you're broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
i'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
i'm there through your heartache
i'm there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i don't care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends,
it never ends

(times by tenth avenue north)

response to failure

i've never paid much attention to the end of the Bathsheba ordeal. (2 Samuel 12)
you hear about the big time David screwed up,
and how Nathan came and pointed it out,
and perhaps how it caused a lot of problems.

but it sort of has a good ending.
certainly one to learn from.

first he confesses his sin.
brings it out. admits guilt.
this is where we have to start.

then spends time grieving the outcome.
taking it in, and asking for mercy and forgiveness.
we have to understand the weight of what we've done, i think.

and once that's over
it's over
David surprises his servants by suddenly acting normal again out of nowhere.
when God has made up his mind, when the punishment is set and when his love is poured out...
that's it.
it's finished.

time to move on.
how does he do this?
he got up from the ground.
he washed off and changed clothes.
he went to the house of the Lord (into God's presence) and worshipped.
then he went home and ate.

first he stopped asking for mercy and apologizing.
then took off his old self, got himself clean, and put on something new.
then went back to God... to worship! (that is the hardest part for me i think)

first he dealt with God.
then, he does a few more things....

like i said before,
he went home and ate.
he jumped right back into every day life.

also, it says that he comforted Bathsheba (now his wife).
his sin had seriously affected her.
he couldn't do things over. he couldn't bring back her husband or her son.
but
he could appologize and comfort her and love her.

finally, he went off to war.
remember that this is where he was supposed to be in the first place.
God had given him a mission, a purpose.
he had screwed this up before.
i think he sinned before he ever set eyes on Bathsheba! simply because he failed to make his God-given vision the highest priority.
he wasn't going to make that mistake again.
he marched back out to the battle.

and he was victorious.

release

is it not beautifully ironic that
a christian is someone who simply
realizes
that he doesn't
know God
at all?

we're so tied to ourselves.


what i want to do i do not do,
but what i hate i do.
i tear myself to pieces,
and really, i don't like it.

but then i won't even let myself be forgiven.

last night i went to write in my journal
i think i was just headed for another prayer about being sorry and frustrated with myself.
and i realized it was the same condemning part of me, which had lead me to make mistakes in the first place, who was making me feel that way now!

silly me

it's serious really,
but i think he'd also love if i made a big deal about it
(the part of joshua who tore himself up in the first place and then wouldn't let him fix himself, that is),
because his goal is just to keep me away from God.

he did it by separating me from God,
but Jesus came to fix that.

then he did it by separating me from Jesus,
but i suppose the Spirit made me realize it.

he could also do it again by getting me to spend so much time thinking about... for example, how dumb I was (in both ways now), that, once again, i get distracted from the point.

like getting stuck for a long time studying some math problem, which isn't going to be on the test.
or thinking so much about how to be a good football player that you never take time to play.


so
let's just forget about ourselves, shall we?
let's just stop trying to figure out and understand things.
let's stop feeling like we have to
accept,
and simply receive.

let's stop stopping ourselves from being blessed by God,
and let's stop stopping ourselves from letting God by too BIG to understand.
so that we can stop stopping ourselves from praising him.

hopefully that was coherent. :)

a prayer: Qanna + hebrews 2:18

i wrote this in my journal recently.
this is one of those particularly personal ones that i just felt like sharing...

God, why do I feel like you can't satisfy me?
Just yesterday I asked for just a little taste. Surely that should be enough?
But where are you then? Because right now I don't want you.
Save me!
I know that it is temptation I fight. But I feel like a starving man rejecting bread.
It's torture. It's hard. And I don't believe I can stand it forever.
God, I fall far short of you. I confess that I do not truly acknowledge your love. Your greatness. Your glory. Your perfection.
You are life. You are joy. And while I know this, I can hardly believe or accept it, right now.
That is sin.
And even more... I also doubt your power. A piece of me says it acknowledges that you made the world and everything in it. That you weigh the islands as though they were fine dust. That you could destroy everything with one word from your mouth.
But once again, my heart doubts. Because if I truly understood and believed then I would know and see that your strength is enough to deliver me. I would trust that, because Jesus himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those, like me, who are being tempted.
I am broken, messy, needy. And I want to let other gods fix it.
I am ashamed God, but honest.
This is exactly how we're supposed to come to you, right?
Why is the darkness so much more comfortable?
Why is building my own fire so much easier? And why am I so convinced that last time I made one it was warmer than yours?

I don't understand it.
We never do, do we? When we are being attacked I mean.
Do we need to?
I guess not. I just figured it would be easier if we knew where we belonged. But we do! I do. I know it when I choose to leave you.
It's the "why" that doesn't make sense.
But I don't think we need to know this. Who questions where they belong if they know they belong there?!
I belong to you.
I belong with you.
Please make me confident of this. Mark me.
Hold me.
I know you love me.
You make me whole.
You will protect me.

You just did.

attitude

i took this from something written in The Vision & the Vow (which of course was inspired by Philippians 2). made some changes though...

Your attitude should be the same as the Church:

Who, being in very nature Christ's beloved,
did not consider her beauty & glory
something to be grasped,
but made herself nothing
a servant
utterly human
nothing special.

And being found in appearance as a nobody
she humbled herself further
and became obedient
through success, failure, persecution, temptation,
and ultimately death- death on a cross.

Until
God swapped her torn, bloody, grimy overalls
for the most beautiful bridal gown of all time.
He placed a ring upon her calloused finger
and gave her His name- the one above all others-
that when she walks down the aisle
her bridal procession should number thousands upon thousands
from every tribe and tongue
their hearts overflowing with joy
as the trumpet sounds
and the wedding feast begins
forever.

holy sonnet 15

by John Donne

Wilt thou love God as he thee? then digest,
My soul, this wholesome meditation,
How God the Spirit, by angels waited on
In heaven, doth make His temple in thy breast.
The Father having begot a Son most blest,
And still begetting—for he ne'er begun—
Hath deign'd to choose thee by adoption,
Co-heir to His glory, and Sabbath' endless rest.
And as a robb'd man, which by search doth find
His stolen stuff sold, must lose or buy it again,
The Sun of glory came down, and was slain,
Us whom He had made, and Satan stole, to unbind.
'Twas much, that man was made like God before,
But, that God should be made like man, much more.

meaning of life

well, there's a lot that i could say now
maybe i can tie it up into one thing
warning, it may be long

first a song by classic crime

who needs air

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.
{if only we desired to dance on the ashes of our plans more often}

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don't need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me. {that hurts usually...}
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don't need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild. {oh yes God, please}
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise. {...who am i then?}

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you've got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

[I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life
and give up the air that you breathe.
You don't need anything.]
{He means besides what he's got. Besides the Air of Life.}


That makes me excited.
Things like that tend to.
I read The Vision the other day and it made me cry.

Maybe you're a girl or something and you do that too often. and that's a bad thing to you.
But for me it's a good thing. it doesn't happen enough.

Anyways

But then I have to go and discourage myself.

I guess the biggest thing that discourages me is when I start trying to breathe air again. Instead of God.

But I just never see it coming until it's happened!

or maybe that's just an excuse...
i dunno

Will we ever get things right?

I mean, you're supposed to give yourself to God right?
And he works on you, making you better

But I'll never be perfect!
It seems idiotic.

It's like God's trying so hard to do something that will never happen.

It's not all God though.
My effort goes in here somewhere... right?

Again, I get discouraged
because most of the time as soon as I try harder
and put effort into doing things right
i fail

I suppose that's because... I can't do things right without God

But then we're back where we started!!

argh...

But then I realize...

i guess...
that...

That's the idea.

I never will deserve God's love.
He doesn't ask that I reach some level.
And then it's all good.

Nonono

I am eternally screwed.

And yet...
eternally loved away from death by God.
he loves me... anyways

Do you see how deep our debt is?
It's infinite.

Oh no! more discouragement
i'm so in debt!

but... he doesn't ask that we pay it back...?
(thats good, i can't...)

He just wants us to receive it.
it is... a gift i suppose

Imagine your parents gave you something that incredible for Christmas.

And now good ol' five iron
this is the thought process i've been through in all this.
my thought process every time I have to teach myself what life is.

every new day

When I was young, the smallest trick of light, Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day, I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for, And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar, {i used to be that way... But wait... maybe I still am, and I just can't see it.... read my xanga for today}

I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears, Watered Heaven with their tears,
{oh God help me}

Before words were spoken, Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you, Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher, Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach, reach, was not so high,
then, I thought the world was so much smaller, feeling I, could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies, behind infinity,
below the face of Heaven, he stoops to create me. {again, praise God}

{discouraged. again.}
Man versus himself. Man versus machine. Man versus the world. mankind versus me.
The struggles go on, the wisdom I lack,
the burdens keep piling up on my back.
So hard to breathe, to take the next step.
The mountains is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace, and hoping for peace.
Dear God... increase.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here’s my heart, let it be forever Your’s,
only you can make every new day seem so new.
{that means more than... when i wake up in the morning God makes me happy}

only you can make every new day seem so new.

(EVIL GRIN)
I leave you with an absolutely horrible
and absolutely beautiful thing I just thought of.

here is the Matlab code of God (sorry i go to Tech)
______________________
your_glory=false %I suck
your_worth=0 %therefore I'm worth nothing

Gods_love=true %but God loves me?

while Gods_love==true
your_worth= your_worth +1 %he gives me worth?
end
______________________

(by the way that just means we have no worth
but then God loves us
and gives us worth.
But there's a mistake in the code. [there must be!, we shout]
at some point after "while" Gods_love should =false.
Or else the code loops forever...)

This would give your computer an error.
It can't handle the numbers. They're too big.

Apparently God can do it.

Crazy.

So

Go
and live like God makes you worth something.
Because is trying so hard to.

patience

more about friends...

how awful it is when a friend just
isn't being a friend to you

how tragic it is to lose a friend

i fear that in my life i've lost two best friends
and many other friends
in my life

whether it was because we just went different ways
or we were part of different groups
or whatever

the worst however
is when a friend changes.
and just... isn't
a friend anymore

i don't understand it

see one person in particular is on my heart
i love this person to death

but it feels like a lost cause!

like falling in love with a girl you know will never return the love

it's just friendship instead of romance

it hurts

oh yes it hurts
and it's half driving me crazy

i've no clue what insanity it would lead me to if God didn't keep my eyes on himself

how does this happen?
it doesn't make sense
why have you shut yourself off from me?
what did I do?


how can i be a friend back?
friendships take effort from both sides

i suppose it's not a friendship anymore?

maybe i'm just overdramatic

the thing is
this person needs my friend-love
so badly

i am humbled

because you see
i nearly don't want to give it

i want to say
fine.
goodbye.
see how you do without me.


but God says not to do that?

it's easy to love those who love you
and actually
i think it's not too hard to love those who hate you, much of the time

but how hard it is to love the people in between
who just don't get it

i'm nearly sick of the burden
and sick of praying for somebody who doesn't want it

but if i give that up
i am nothing

he'll make the rivers and rocks sing his praise

Why does God use people?
like me?

don't you hate guilt?
it kills you
i mean, i feel bad for everything i've done wrong
but, for me i know, the devil is really good
at letting it crush me

have you ever felt bad for something you did forever ago?
yeah,
it shouldn't be that way
if you've been forgiven by the Forgiver

or even something yesterday
or this morning
or 10 minutes ago

anyways
that's not what this is about
because once you overcome that hurdle
when you know and feel forgiven...

there's yet another hurdle.

it's rather odd too
like an oxymoron

it is
that we feel too small
or awesome

or perhaps both
one now
the other in just a moment

so why does God use people?
is it because something good in us?

sometimes i really doubt that

i'm really shy
it's one of many things that makes me weak
one of the things that prevents or slows me
when God asks me to do something.

there are plenty such things wrong with me

i am humbled by it
like Paul's thorn perhaps
i realize that i'm no good at much anything sometimes

but apparently...
he uses the weak to overcome the strong?

'"But I'm so small I can barely be seen
how can this great love be inside of me?"
Look at your eyes
they're small in size
but they see enormous things'

i found something incredible in Luke the other day
John said something in chapter 3

'For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham.'

I decided this means a few things
being God's children does not make you special
it comes from God.
stones?!
God can use... stones
to beat our best attempts...
ouch

so...
like i wrote on my xanga/facebook this last weekend i think
...
THAT
is why we shouldn't try to do things
God can do so much

you know...
he really doesn't even need us if that's the case
there's plenty of rocks for him to use

But wait..
he doesn't does he?
how come?
the rocks never did anything to him
and
i... can't claim that



God made us both...
when he made the rocks he said
it is good
when he made me
he said
it is very good

that's pretty cool

how odd it is
that he chooses you
above the stones

there's too parts to us
there's something inside us that God made which is good
and there's the rest.
that is the mess of our handiwork.
the sin we started,
and the failed attempts to fix it.

God made something good in us
that is why he uses us
not because of who we have made ourselves to be
but because of who we could be
of who we were made to be

you have no claim on that glory.
it was given to you
and can be given again though

so maybe the stones have not failed God
but we
are very good

if we just let us be how he made us to


well...

I don't know about you
but if God chooses me like that
I will try to love better

i will try to be the very good that I am
instead of that which i have been.

there's no way I'm gonna let a freaking rock
outlove me

Not that i'm competing with rocks to worship God ^_^

but you know what i mean