waiting

bah
i'm tired of waiting...

waiting for passion
for heart

i feel like i've been that way forever
always at the mercy of my mood, my excitement
or lack thereof.

i can just never seem to follow through with something unless my heart is in it
and until it is...
i just have to
wait.

it's a rather frustrating spot to be in
because when a flicker of passion is there
you just come to see how helpless you are.
and otherwise...
things might not seem so bad
but it's only because you're numb.

i wish my heart broke more
i wish i could love more.

i wish i could wake up every day
and remember what it felt like to walk out of that cave.

i wish energy was never in short supply
never the limiting factor.

i wish i could be as selfless as want to be.

i wish i could still remember how to give my heart away.

waiting for an answer to a feeble, whispered, faithless prayer is hard.

Gott tut's!

do you like the header i made?
(you can only see it in blogspot of course)
cause i think it's rather spiffy :)

anyways, down to business...
this'll be long...

so i'm back from germany now
though i think it'll take a while before i'm completely back.
there's a lot of unpacking and organizing to do still
and people to see
and people to call
and things to take care of that popped up while i was gone
and letters to write to supporters
and lots of thoughts and memories to digest
and so on...
which all has to fit inside of day to day life. :)

but for now i'm at work with not much to do...
so i'll summarize the trip for now
and hopefully get to things learned and whatnot by the end.


the plane ride there was an adventure...
(i flew to Paris and then to Hamburg)
for one, because i was alone. never traveled alone very far before. never on a plane. and never to foreign countries!
also, in Atlanta they only gave me one boarding pass and said it would work for both planes, which makes no sense... but i just accepted it.
well when i landed in Paris (disappointed that none of its famous landmarks were visible from the plane window) i had to move as fast as possible to get to my connecting flight. it felt like the Atlanta airport, but with no effective transit between concourses.
and then there was also a bit of trouble with no boarding pass of course, but it worked out.

to no surprise, when i got to hamburg i learned that my bag had been left in Paris. as fast as i had to move to get to my 2nd plane, i would have been blown away if it had made it as well. :)

and then there was a few minutes of panic as i went outside and there was nobody there to pick me up...
they were just running a bit late thankfully. :)

after a few hours in a bus...
Kiel!


Kiel has a population of about 250,000 and is on the baltic sea about 50 miles from denmark.
in the next week or so about 3.5 million people came through the city for the annual "Kieler Woche" (Kiel week)
Kieler Woche is part sailing competition and part summer festival.
we never actually got around to seeing any of the competition; it took place a few miles north, up the coast.

the first two days we pretty much spent getting to know each other, preparing for the next week, and learning.

our team was awesome!
all different ages... mostly college students and adults.
there was a church group from ohio (whose pastor was english),
a few other random folks from arizona, florida, and atlanta,
two guys from northern ireland,
a finnish couple,
a handful from brazil,
a south african,
and germans from all over their country.
about 40 in all- half americans.

i love my new friends. :)


the training was incredibly helpful...
they did a great job teaching us about german culture...
about the general view of religion, the way people would react to us, and so on.

i had thought most germans considered themselves christians (even if they weren't really)
but if that's true... then these cultural christians avoided us at all costs.
i met very few people who called themselves christians. and of those maybe just 1 or 2 weren't legit.
they're becoming less and less afraid to come outright and say what they believe- that they don't buy into Jesus- i think.

most were either atheist or... postmodern (all religions are the same)

poor germans :(
i think they're rather decieved by their culture.
because they so rarely had a thought out reason to believe what they did.
culture says there is no God- and you could they ate it up without questioning.

then there's the primary rule of german culture- beliefs/religion are a personal matter.
they don't like to talk about beliefs- it's none of your business.

and i felt like that reinforces the postmodern culture...
if they refuse to believe there is no God, this one tries to catch them saying... okay, there is a God, but getting to him is a personal thing for you to do your own way.

of the 250,000 people who live in Kiel, the christians estimate (optimistically) that perhaps around 2000 go to a church once a week where they can hear the gospel.
less than 1%.
:(
(thankfully the good churches do a good job working together i think)

the thing is, germany is a lot like the states.
except worse. (perhaps like the north...)
they're very friendly people... :)
but you can't preach to them.
it's not like most countries we've been to on mission trips, where you can gather a bunch of people around, perform a drama, and talk about God.
people won't give you the time.
and [they think] they've heard it all before.

we described it this way...
you can't be a paperboy- zooming past people, throwing the news onto their doorstep.
you have to be bridge builders, connection makers, conversation starters, listeners.


so our mission was...
first to trigger conversations. simply by being present, and sometimes putting a question out there- something to make people think and perhaps react.

we all got shirts to wear throughout the week...
they're bright blue and say "Gott tut's!" on the front and back. It's tough to translate, but it literally means "God does it!" or "God is doing it!"
it's not a typical religious phrase in german, and it doesn't really make complete sense out of context.
our team and lots of the christians in the city wore them all week, and so many conversations were started just because people wanted to know what we were there for, or what the shirt meant.

another tactic was to do nice things for people
like offer to walk umbrella-less people around when it rained. :)

and yet another was to go into the middle of the festivities with signs...
like we had one hanging from a ladder that said "how do you get to heaven?"
and another which said "i only believe what my right neighbor believes"- a number of people would all stand in a line and each hold one (basically to show how silly it is to not think for yourself)
we made all sorts of signs...
we made heads turn like crazy
and we got every sort of reaction... laughs, frowns, smiles...
and sometimes a conversation. :)

also, some of us tried out using a survey- asking a few friendly questions about the festival and finally asking what they thought about "Gott tut's!"
it was tough to get people to do it i think, but it helped to play the american card- they're a bit more open to talk about beliefs with foreigners.

anyways,
that's what we were up against.
and that's what we did.


on a typical day i got up around 9, had a shower and quick breakfast, and then walked 10-15 minutes to the church we were using as home base.
we started off each day with some songs, a devotion/teaching time, prayer, and storytelling about the day before.
after lunch we grabbed got into groups, grabbed some signs/bibles/materials, and went down to the festival.
we'd come back for dinner at 6 and then go out once more for a few hours.
then went home and spent a bit of time with my host.
it was usually midnight by the time i made it to bed each night.

we all had hosts to stay with...
i was in a little apartment with a 30something single guy, Torsten, who was pretty cool.
he was incredibly hospitable...
bought me different yummy german breads for breakfast each day, let me use his computer whenever i wanted, and other nice things. :)


one morning we got up and he took me an hour south to an old city named Lübeck. it's on an island in the middle of the river and was a major trading city back in the middle ages. there were only 4 big bridges/gates into the city, which you can still see (one had a museum in it), and beautiful old churches and buildings. on the way back we drove past the sea and he treated me to a crazy awesome fish feast. i think that one meal doubled how many different kinds of fish i've eaten before. and possibly the amount as well... it was crazy delicious. :)

other out of the ordinary things...

the soccer games. :)
germany played in the quarterfinals and semifinals of the eurocup while i was there.
goodness gosh...
they get excited about soccer. particularly when they win.
seriously
think of the biggest sporting event you've ever been to, and imagine the home team won. think of all the people outside the stadium.
imagine that most of them don't really have somewhere to be- they're not rushing to get to their car to beat the traffic. they're pretty patient and relaxed. waving flags, honking car horns, cheering...
now imagine it's like that throughout the city, not just next to the stadium.
and now imagine that the stadium is actually hundreds of miles away in another country. but even still, this city is going crazy. along with every other city in the country!
it was nuts.

there was a little sailing boat at the festival named Elida that was working with the churches. each night one of the churches' band would play on the ship.
so we joined them there on two evenings. the church group from ohio had come prepared to perform the lifehouse skit! how cool is that? :) (this should be it, if you haven't seen)
so they did they would do that along the walkway and otherwise we'd talk to people that stopped by the boat/to see the drama.

on the first sunday we were there, the "evangelic alliance" (all the legit churches) had a big service planned. it was supposed to be in a park, but the threat of rain pushed it inside. basically it was about pushing the "Gott tut's!" action among the people there. we let them know about what we're doing, and how they can join. and a few of their pastors preached and told them to help us!
it was also fun because we got to sing worship songs in german. :)

one night i and the finns went to this one guy's bible study.
more singing in german.
and he asked us to talk to the guys there about what we were doing in germany. and we shared with them our testimonies. and i got to encourage them a little bit i think, from a few thoughts and an old sermon i heard.
that was a neat time.


this brings me to another huge goal of ours-
to encourage the church in Kiel.

i had thought about this before going a little, but after being there for a few days i realized that this is the biggest reason that we were there.
and it was probably my favorite part too...
i loved spending time with them, hearing their stories, and encouraging them.

we were only there for 2 weeks.
and while we might have played a huge role in the lives of some random people,
it's the home church that will bring about change in the long term.
especially in a society where time and relationships are particularly vital for real change.

so it really was a blessing to see them encouraged by us.
for them to see people give up a lot and come from around the world to help them for 2 short weeks.
hopefully for them (just as for us back home!) evangelism will become each day more of a lifestyle than an event.


so i guess that pretty much covers what happened...
now for the things i learned...

i learned a lot about germany...
what the culture is like- particularly in the north- and how to bring the gospel to it.
that a 16 year old drinking age is the dumbest idea ever. (alcohol was quite a problem)
that it's nice to walk and bike places instead of having to drive.
that eating different kinds of bread from a real bakery is nice.
and so on.

i learned that i can have a conversation in german. :)
it takes me a bit to get warmed up i think. and at this point talking too much german wears me out.
but i know i can use it, and i don't doubt that i'm capable of getting better!
most germans can speak english...
but they're not all exactly experts at it. they're german. they speak german with each other.
a few times, in the bible study for example, i was around all german speakers. so it was nice for them that they didn't to translate for me. :)
i got pretty good at understanding... mostly need to work on speaking.
(though i think i'm bad enough at forming sentences in english :))

i believe God will send me back.
for a longer period of time.
though i'm not sure how long. or when. or where...
but i don't need to know these things yet. :)
i was pretty surprised when he answered this question very clearly in the first couple days there.
i just kept getting the feeling the whole time that i was learning and practicing. that the things we were doing were incredibly important of course...
but also that, personally, i was being prepared for something bigger.

and i learned that spiritual warfare is going on even here at home like crazy!
i feel that, on previous mission trips, satan's opposition has always been at least a little bit more evident and visible than at home.
well... i guess i expected germany to be that way too... but it wasn't.
on the contrary... it was just like home!
when my alarm went off in the mornings i wanted to keep sleeping. i would get tired in the middle of the day and feel like sleeping instead of praying. i would get impatient with people. and so on.
like i said... on the trips i've done before it was like i was ready for these, and could see them coming and happening.
but in germany it took me a while ever time to realize what was happening!
... just like home....
i guess i've decided that satan's biggest tactic here in the states (and similar places) is to make us ignorant of his existence and activity.


those are the biggest things...

if you've read this whole thing, then congratulations. :)
please ask me about it still if you see me... there's plenty of details and stories to tell!
Perhaps when you do, you could ask a more detailed question to help me out. :)

anyways
make sure you see the pictures on facebook :)

Auf Wiedersehen!

hero

i feel like i've posted the picture at the bottom before
on xanga at least
but oh well

a few things that have been on my heart lately:
vision- read Joel 2:28
prayer- read Isaiah 61 and 62 for starters
action

prayer > vision > prayer > action

might even put more prayer after action
prayer is pretty important
it's everything

we were looking at John 1...
The next day John was there again with two of his disciples. When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, "Look, the Lamb of God!"

When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus. Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, "What do you want?"
They said, "Rabbi" (which means Teacher), "where are you staying?"
"Come," he replied, "and you will see."
So they went and saw where he was staying, and spent that day with him. It was about the tenth hour.

Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, was one of the two who heard what John had said and who had followed Jesus. The first thing Andrew did was to find his brother Simon and tell him, "We have found the Messiah" (that is, the Christ).

i thought it was need that the FIRST thing Andrew did was actually to just go BE with Jesus.
that's the prayer part for us.

anyways

the hardest thing is finding the vision in the first place
the passion
the drive that praying like a madman springs from
the vision that is really quite naturally followed by action

and that is what i'm searching for.
enough passion to pay the costs that are in the way.

passion for prayer. because i realize how important and needed it is...

and passion to act.
because i want to be these people, in a way.
and i rarely feel like i am.

attitude

i took this from something written in The Vision & the Vow (which of course was inspired by Philippians 2). made some changes though...

Your attitude should be the same as the Church:

Who, being in very nature Christ's beloved,
did not consider her beauty & glory
something to be grasped,
but made herself nothing
a servant
utterly human
nothing special.

And being found in appearance as a nobody
she humbled herself further
and became obedient
through success, failure, persecution, temptation,
and ultimately death- death on a cross.

Until
God swapped her torn, bloody, grimy overalls
for the most beautiful bridal gown of all time.
He placed a ring upon her calloused finger
and gave her His name- the one above all others-
that when she walks down the aisle
her bridal procession should number thousands upon thousands
from every tribe and tongue
their hearts overflowing with joy
as the trumpet sounds
and the wedding feast begins
forever.

the vision

never lose sight of the vision you God gave you.
Nehemiah 6:3

So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers

choose to loose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mold them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

inside.

On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,

they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centers.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

this week

hope your week was as great as mine!

i ate a red pickle
turns out that's a pickled plum

went swing dancing last night
by the end i was doing a decent job i think
even made up a thing or two of my own :)

today i went to Cody's
first we played a war game that i sucked at :)
then we played some cheap yet incredible awesome arcade-type game where you basically flew around in space above a planet and shot asteroids and aliens. A simple, old school game. Turns out those are still some of the best.

took some nice pictures

and got a job as a Peer Leader for next year. :)
(if you don't go to Tech, that's an RA for freshmen basically)
i'm quite excited about this.
i'll be somewhere in Freeman/Fitten/Montag. i'd originally hoped to be on east campus... but i've decided i'm quite okay with this now.
and I think my hall director is a Christian. which... will make it even better in many ways i think.


pray that I figure out what to do this summer in the next week...


I'm Not Running- Cool Hand Luke

For the message
Of the cross is
Foolishness
To those who are perishing
But to us
Being saved
It’s the power
Of God (I Corinthians 1:18)

There’s no turning back
Unless we’re turning back to you

I’m not running away from this
I’m not falling asleep
I’m not taking a bribe from anyone for anything
I’m not running away from this
I’m not falling asleep
I’m not turning back on the one thing that I know

We’re the foolish
We’re the weak ones
We’re the lowly
And despised things that are not
God will take us
He will shape us
He will make us
Nullify the things that are (I Corinthians 1:27-28)
There’s no turning back
Unless we’re turning back to you

I have given up on breathing and all I need is You
I am never going down for air again

the zombie song

We’re like zombies
Like the walking dead
With X’s (excess) in our eyes
And music in our heads
We’ve forgotten
Our first love
And made it pictures
Of crosses and doves

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

We all follow
But we’re standing still
Reciting dead words
With hopeless zeal
We’re all preachers
With our mouths closed
Clothing messages
In sugar coats

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

I wanna hide beneath the pretty paint
I wanna be okay with everything
I wanna be transformed and stay the same
I wanna be dry in the rain

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

Running in this stupid circle
Running in the stupid circle
Our souvenirs won’t be worth a single thing
And Truth will never be “in”

by Cool Hand Luke

desperation

I'm Not Alright
Sanctus Real
If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of,
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune-I only wanna be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
and when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
Because honestly, I'm not that strong

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all i go through - it leads me to you, it leads me to you

(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved)

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all I go through leads me to you, leads me to you

I'm not alright - I'm not alright - I'm not alright
Thats why I need you

Captain I'm Fine And Thanks For Everything
Right Away, Great Captain
(I've added some punctuation though.)
captains glory-
the trumpets will sound.
I'm unfamiliar;
you're under the ground.
and i tried crying...
but strength was unveiled.
you left us you bastard...
you left us to sail.

and i won't, let you down.
no i won't, let you down.

and in the winters
i need you around.
i still feel sorrow
and i still write it down.
and my children there's just fine;
they'd of loved you, you know.
there fathers a captain
with a beard just like you.

and i won't, let you down
no i won't, let you down

Don't Kid Yourself, You Need a Physician
Anathalo
"In my room, in my room,
In this gospel I have made,
Salvation is a broken cistern in a handmade frame."

Some stuff from Band of Brothers...
2nd Lt. George Rice: Looks like you guys are going to be surrounded.
Richard Winters: We're paratroopers, Lieutenant, we're supposed to be surrounded.

Ronald Spiers: We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead.

Some good quotes to think about...
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dirty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
T.E. Lawrence

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

my week

woohoo
hi there

i decided to fast from the internet for the week. at least besides using it for communication and school work.
to get priorities down. and spend time with people. and focus on God.
it was a good idea.
i'll probably do it again every once in a while.
you should too.

and it was a good week. :)
filled with adventures

I've done a lot of bike riding. Just going back and forth all over the place for random stuff. One big trip into the city to the Police Department for a background check. :)
I got a TB test.
Got to hang out a few random times with Cody, Nathan, and Stephen.
Had dinner with most of the bible study guys.
Rode Marta up to visit Megan and have lunch between classes on Wednesday. :)
Learned how to make gravy.
Had a sweet time in a prayer room from 2-4 am.
Watched 6 Band of Brothers episodes with guys at the house.

And more...

And I'm not behind on homework yet. :)

book update...
Still working on Cost of Discipleship... getting there though. It was put to the side over the break to read other stuff.

I mentioned Redeeming Love. It's basically Hosea turned into a fiction book that takes place during the 1800s.
You should read it.
It was simply a neat picture of what God's persistent unconditional love looks like.

And I read Prince Caspian. Not the best of them, but it's good.

And I read Starving Jesus. By the xxxchurch guys.
Very similar to Cost of Discipleship actually. The gist of the message: if you have faith then get off your butt and act on it.

Well
I'm hungry and I've other things to do
later

after waking

so i got Braveheart for Christmas and finally got around to watching it tonight.

and like every time i watch it
i see something new or fresh

earlier this month (while i was supposed to be studying for finals) i wrote a bit about my favorite scene
"he wakes" was the name of it i believe

...that really did mean a lot to me
the first time i noticed it was...
last november I think
maybe october
not long after Megan and i split up

i was rereading Wild at Heart around then too

see i realized the trap that i had been in
it took me a bit longer than Wallace to realize i was dreaming
caught up with wanting something that i couldn't have

we all have those things
we all dream something up
something we think will satisfy
whether we realize it or not

well God pointed it out to me.
pointed out the way i was depending
on a girl in this case.
i place this dependence in many things besides him
(for me i suppose girls are just one of the easier to do that with)

so then what?
i fought to wake up
as i was saying in that earlier post

and i've done it i'd say
so far as the girl mess is concerned

ha
and i've been so impressed with myself much of the time...
and so pleased...

that i forgot about the real fighting that needs to be done now

discipleship

i think the world has a serious lack of people for us to look up to and be encouraged by.
not enough real fathers (mothers) and brothers (sisters) and teachers.
the kind whose wisdom and confidence you respect and admire.

there's a beautiful story (in Wild at Heart I think. if you know tell me, i've been wondering about it) about a group of men during World War 2. paratroopers on D-day I believe. they come up to a house occupied by germans.
and they don't know what to do!
they went through basic training, they could fire their guns, they knew how to fight.
but when they were thrown into the reality of it, knowledge, and even ability, didn't help so much.
they were scared. they had never been in such a situation before.
like coming up to a math problem that... you have the ability to do. but you just don't know how to put your knowledge together to work out this particular one.

well, then another group of men come up, led by a veteran.
he asks why they aren't attacking. and then understands.

he doesn't get mad or discourage them. they've never done this before.
but it's a war. they can't be "children" forever...

he says two things
first: "watch."

he then signals for his men to surround the house.
a few grenades and gunshots later...
they have taken the house.

then he returns to the first group...
second: "you can do that. now go do it."

i love this story.
we need people in our lives to
teach us how to "take houses."
men who convince us we can do it too.
men who encourage and inspire us to go do it.
and i'll add one more...
men who enable us to teach others how.

i'm thankful that I have a few of those.
i think most people don't.

i want to be that for people. i hope God teaches me how to be a leader like that. one who is looked up to, who is an inspiration, who is a teacher.
goodness, only he can do that with me.

he wakes

this is probably in my top five favorite movie moments. funny, perhaps, because most people don't seem to notice it I think. in fact, if you look on movie quote websites they never have the 4th line, which changes the whole point of this scene. it's from Braveheart.

William Wallace dreams that he sees his wife, Murron. (who is dead)

William: I'm dreaming.

Murron: Yes you are, and you must wake.

William: I don't want to wake. I want to stay here with you.

Murron: And I with you. But you must wake now. Wake up, William.
Wake up. William, wake up.

(He wakes)

do you ever find yourself in places like this? caught in a dream, not wanting wake up to the "real world."

in this case it's a woman. I can identify with that sometimes.
it can be all sorts of things.
it's the peace and love and comfort that we desire in the end I suppose.

there's nothing wrong with those things.

yet she tells him to wake up.
and he does.
as we all must do.

why?
because we are called to live life. to live now.
Christ calls us to be laborers. ambassadors. heros. warriors.
these people don't lay around dreaming
they act. now.

so
despite our love of the dream
we hear the alarm clock
groan
roll out of bed
and mindlessly start living

wrong
so wrong

what is william wallace doing?!
fighting a war.
he has a mission...
and a vision,
a purpose,
a passion

and his wife?
yes, he loves her

if you recall,
it was Murron who inspired him to fight in the first place!
you see,
he doesn't choose between her and his war.

they're both part of this

just remember
that your life
your fight
your mission
should be your passion

you can have others
but let them be fuel for the race set out before you

rather than be absorbed with other desires
let them strengthen you

and then wake

perhaps that dream will be part of life one day
Wallace found love again, for example

but now...
remember
you have a mission
a vision
a passion

pursue it
run that race
fight the good fight

meaningful

wow
so you know that thing i posted the other day? (via xanga)
poem i guess you could call it
well maybe it was a week now

i was looking through the stuff i wrote that month
after megan and i broke up
it's beautiful
often very depressing and sad at times
but straight from the heart
and beautiful language
my heart was in it
it was passionate

i wish i could always write that way...

i think i'll probably stop writing so much just about "how my day went"
and more on my thoughts
the meaningful ones

here's a good rule of thumb maybe...
if there's a good title for the post, then it's meaningful
i think that pretty much holds true
the title should be the heart behind it
if it has no such point... then it was point-less

okay, that was on the verge of pointless

sadly, i must write a bit about this
because
i decided to write on blogspot
and all firsts have to have stuff like this discussed

for now i'll copy them to xanga
but if it gets annoying i'll have to stop

i've been thinking about many things lately
God's been teaching me about how my identity comes from him, and how to him I'm something to be loved.
more specifically... how i am his bride
i'm not just loved
i'm loved
like that

but that's not why i'm writing now
(it's also not... entirely... because i'm supposed to be studying now...)

People have also been on my heart
relationships with them
close ones
meaningful ones

one thing
is how precious my time at home is
the people there...
i hope that our relationships are meaningful to as many as possible

what does that mean?

i hope they learn from me
i hope they listen
i hope they know that i listen
and care
i hope they feel loved
because they are

seems like i've read on both Keith and Brother's blogs about depth in relationships
meaning
how... so often
especially between guys
it's just...
not

i'm still trying to learn how to do this
i'm thinking this year will help a lot

even my friendships here at college don't go to deep

i like talking to girls
that usually causes problems i've seen
not that talking to girls isn't good
it's just...
that thing i wrote last week
"guys: learn to share your heart with each other before sharing it with a girl"
same goes for girls

i want to share my heart with men
i don't entirely understand why it works that way... and that's getting off topic
but it's truth

i want to come home
and share my heart with people there

i hope they see how beautiful it is
and how beautiful theirs is

men:
i hope they figure out that it's not weird to share your heart
it's rather manly actually

i hope i can be a bit of a father
so they can figure out how to be a father
our world needs fathers more than anything else besides God
so they can receive the wisdom that i've been given

i hope i can be a brother
to encourage
not in sports, or school,
or any kind of encouragement that is intended to make them feel better inside

to encourage towards Christ

i want to experience the thrill of men opening they hearts to each other and God

women:
i want you to know from me that you are beautiful and loved
by God
i want you to see it and feel it and know it through our relationship

i want you to understand that my eyes are on God
not you
and i want your eyes to be on him
not a guy

i want to be an inspiration and leader to you

back to everyone...
i'm sick of being the guy who lets people come to me
who waits from somebody to ask
before i tell who i am

it's just like me/us to write about this isn't it?
to blog about how we wish our relationships were closer and more real

you know?
i think maybe i'm gonna do something about it

(some mewithoutYou to dwell on, with emphasis)
find a friend
and stay
close.

and with
a melting
heart

tell them whatever you're
most
ashamed of.

our parents have made
so many
mistakes...

but may we forgive them

and forgive ourselves

patience

more about friends...

how awful it is when a friend just
isn't being a friend to you

how tragic it is to lose a friend

i fear that in my life i've lost two best friends
and many other friends
in my life

whether it was because we just went different ways
or we were part of different groups
or whatever

the worst however
is when a friend changes.
and just... isn't
a friend anymore

i don't understand it

see one person in particular is on my heart
i love this person to death

but it feels like a lost cause!

like falling in love with a girl you know will never return the love

it's just friendship instead of romance

it hurts

oh yes it hurts
and it's half driving me crazy

i've no clue what insanity it would lead me to if God didn't keep my eyes on himself

how does this happen?
it doesn't make sense
why have you shut yourself off from me?
what did I do?


how can i be a friend back?
friendships take effort from both sides

i suppose it's not a friendship anymore?

maybe i'm just overdramatic

the thing is
this person needs my friend-love
so badly

i am humbled

because you see
i nearly don't want to give it

i want to say
fine.
goodbye.
see how you do without me.


but God says not to do that?

it's easy to love those who love you
and actually
i think it's not too hard to love those who hate you, much of the time

but how hard it is to love the people in between
who just don't get it

i'm nearly sick of the burden
and sick of praying for somebody who doesn't want it

but if i give that up
i am nothing

church bells

song lyrics....
they're incredibly perfect
sorry i put up song lyrics so often
God just really speaks to me a lot through things i read. whether that's books, poems, songs, whatever.
i'll try to be better at commenting on them myself...

' asleep in the chapel'
by thursday

three chalk outlines sleep in the dirty street
and in our beds, under the sheets
they're the halo of guilt hanging around your neck
next to the rosary you count, falling asleep

and we're praying
these are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope

since we can't compete with martyred saints
we'll douse ourselves in gasoline
and hang our bodies from the lampposts
so that our shadows turn into bright lights

'white light, white heat' we'll make
as we're blacking out in the center lane
(we swerve) to the beat, (spill) all the ink
(no revisions) do you hear the church bells ringing?

wake up!! wake up in an outline and try to speak
with the shattered voice of the lives we lead...
have we slept too long
between the bullet holes in a stained-glass window state?

and we're praying
these are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope
(when we repent)
and we're praying
(we fall on the page, read in the margins)
we are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope

someday we'll be complete like modern saints
baptize our kids in gasoline
and hang our doubts up in cathedrals
so that they turn to faith in the colored sunlight

'red rain, red rain' we'll make
as we're blacking out in the center lane
(we swerve) to the beat, (spill) all the ink
(no revisions) do you hear the church bells ringing?

they ring for you.

we woke up this morning to a sky with no air in it
and all the streets are filled with a thousand burning crosses
and what we thought was the sunrise, just passing headlights
still the choir girls sing, 'oh lord, can you save us? oh lord, sing hallelujah'

they are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope...
we're falling asleep with open eyes
falling asleep inside the chapel
falling asleep in chalk outlines
falling asleep as the headlights pass us by...


there are a few things to notice
things i like

first is the gasoline baptism
what a beautiful picture
John baptized with water
what does that mean? my understanding has always been like a washing off of sin
you confess your dirtiness to God and he forgives you
the baptism is symbolic of what's going on
is that what baptism is today?

God changed things a bit
he baptizes us with the Holy Spirit it says
with himself
in Acts he came into our hearts
we use that phrase a lot
i like the way it says it in 'The Vision': we've had a blood transfusion with Jesus
that's what it means

he came upon them like fire!
why do we have cuddly happy baptisms
let us stop baptizing with water
and smiling at our friends about how happy it is
let us come to God ready for him to ignite us on fire
and let us spread this idea
to our friends
and one day to our children
why must we be "Christians"
why can't we be modern saints
modern Stephens
modern Peters
modern Pauls

see
so many are asleep
i would drop the word Christian if it was possible
Christians, as defined by the world today, are asleep
maybe in church, but very asleep
they disagree over every other thing
many go to church just once or twice a year
heck, many go to church every week
and are still asleep

wake up!! wake up!
the church bells ring for you
church bells were created to let the people around know that they needed to stop what they were doing
and come to church
come to God
can you hear them ringing for you?

or are you so distracted by school,
your girlfriend,
a cute boy,
your weight,
your friends,
your problems (as real as they may be),
video games,
sports,
marching band,
that you don't even realize that they are ringing?

and
when you do hear
and you are stunned
and you vow to not go back to sleep...
do you lay in bed just one more minute
and fall back asleep in its warmth and comfort?

i see that happening all around me
i do it too i know
how sad

just because you're eyes are open and you're alive
doesn't mean you are awake
are you falling asleep, in a chalk outline?
are you in the church, but still sleeping?

wake up

meaning

this is more of a test than anything else...but

part of a mewithoutYou song says this:
'or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken, open seed
If I come without a thing, I come with all I need'

crowns are absolutely nothing without a king
they're not even crowns really

broken, open seeds die
well, they were never alive
after that it never will be

interestingly enough
that is how we are to come to God

he makes us the crown on his head
he does the impossible and gives us life

he gives me life

when plants grow
they spread more life
maybe he'll use me to do that

another thing
a Classic Crime song says:
'A warrior poet once said
You're not dead yet so live like you could be
A warrior poet said
Have no regrets when you're old'

i like that idea
a warrior poet
poets write and say powerful things
warriors do powerful things

all very beautiful