conundrum

this tags right along with what i was saying yesterday i suppose.

this one question has been eating at me for the last year i think...

see, so often i feel incapable of doing anything without passion.
because i have no reason to do it!
maybe that's a big exaggerated...
but how do you get yourself to do something without motivation?
that's what it boils down to.

on the other hand,
sometimes i think that passion comes after the fact.
how can you be passionate about something if you haven't tried it?

it's quite a problem
a riddle.
like a key locked in a safe.
cache 22.

faith and deeds
is what this comes down to i guess.

for it is by faith that i am saved, through grace.
and yet faith without works is dead.

peter walked on water by faith.

but if faith is by grace
we must accept grace before faith comes.
in a sense, grace is accepted before faith was there to spur on the accepting.

it's a conundrum.

really i think they come together.
in the same instance.
separate things.
but they come and exist and happen simultaneously.

but that's just theological jumble or something.
it doesn't mean much to me.

all i know
is that i wish i loved Jesus more.
but half the time i just don't really care enough to do something about it.

so do i just sit here and wait for faith? for my heart to be in it?
surely not...

so do i fight for it? try to follow, seek, obey before the faith, the passion comes?
how?!

that's the predicament i find myself in way too often...


Say the words and make them count,
Say them loud without a doubt.
Give us truth and nothing more,
Leave us wanting more and more.

waiting

bah
i'm tired of waiting...

waiting for passion
for heart

i feel like i've been that way forever
always at the mercy of my mood, my excitement
or lack thereof.

i can just never seem to follow through with something unless my heart is in it
and until it is...
i just have to
wait.

it's a rather frustrating spot to be in
because when a flicker of passion is there
you just come to see how helpless you are.
and otherwise...
things might not seem so bad
but it's only because you're numb.

i wish my heart broke more
i wish i could love more.

i wish i could wake up every day
and remember what it felt like to walk out of that cave.

i wish energy was never in short supply
never the limiting factor.

i wish i could be as selfless as want to be.

i wish i could still remember how to give my heart away.

waiting for an answer to a feeble, whispered, faithless prayer is hard.

hero

i feel like i've posted the picture at the bottom before
on xanga at least
but oh well

a few things that have been on my heart lately:
vision- read Joel 2:28
prayer- read Isaiah 61 and 62 for starters
action

prayer > vision > prayer > action

might even put more prayer after action
prayer is pretty important
it's everything

we were looking at John 1...
The next day John was there again with two of his disciples. When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, "Look, the Lamb of God!"

When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus. Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, "What do you want?"
They said, "Rabbi" (which means Teacher), "where are you staying?"
"Come," he replied, "and you will see."
So they went and saw where he was staying, and spent that day with him. It was about the tenth hour.

Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, was one of the two who heard what John had said and who had followed Jesus. The first thing Andrew did was to find his brother Simon and tell him, "We have found the Messiah" (that is, the Christ).

i thought it was need that the FIRST thing Andrew did was actually to just go BE with Jesus.
that's the prayer part for us.

anyways

the hardest thing is finding the vision in the first place
the passion
the drive that praying like a madman springs from
the vision that is really quite naturally followed by action

and that is what i'm searching for.
enough passion to pay the costs that are in the way.

passion for prayer. because i realize how important and needed it is...

and passion to act.
because i want to be these people, in a way.
and i rarely feel like i am.

peace

darn
i just realized i missed my 4th xanga anniversary by about a month
a while back i planned on celebrating

how crazy
to think i can look back 4 years ago at what was going on in my life from week to week
from a sophomore in high school to a sophomore in college

anyways

i shouldn't be on here now
it's 2:20
and i'm tired
and i have German homework due at 11

i've been really really busy
not necessarily all bad busy
but busy nonetheless

i need a moment to just let out a "BLAH"
:)

it's good that God has been close to my heart this week
and my mind too!

that's the hardest part for me
having God on my mind

i wish i could sing the first part of this one Misty Edwards song with 100% honesty...

"Always On His Mind"
Lord, I will seek You
On my bed, think upon You
In the day, I'll dream of You
You're always on my mind
With my whole heart I'll love You
With my mind and my strength too
Waste my life searching for You
You're always on my mind
Though I'm poor and needy, the Lord thinks upon me
Though His name is Holy, I'm always on His mind - I'm always on His mind
Though I'm weak and lowly, the Lord thinks about me
Though He's high and lofty, I'm always on His mind - I'm always on His mind
I'm in love with god
God's in love with me
Hey - Yeah
How far will You let me go? How abandoned will You let me be?

this worked out even better than i thought :)
i think he wants me to write this

because i was just going to say next that i'm thankful he holds me close despite my crazy mind.
exactly what the 2nd half says.

haha
and Nate talked about peace the other night
i completely forgot about that

i have been rather peaceful this week
despite many stresses
that's good :)

i just reread what i wrote on november 11, 2007
it goes with this well






God loves me :)






The work God has given me today is finished.

dance

expanding some thoughts from a few months ago...

so as Christians we're often quick to throw out the phrase "walk with God."
it's a cool metaphor.
walking implies you're going about it slowly. your life with him is long but steady. not a race, but a journey.
and so on

but that's just one way to look at it

i know a girl who once asked "why don't we dance with God?"

good question

what does that metaphor mean?
i'll let you think about that and figure it out for yourself.

the point of this isn't to tell you what that means exactly, or how to do it.
i will go so far as to propose that God is the lead.
and so from there... i haven't a clue what his dance with you would look like.

i simply hope to encourage you, and hopefully myself as well, to dance

one of my brother's favorite quotes:
"Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

i feel like we're always so busy trying to get on top of everything.
we want to be... ready, prepared, perfect before we start.

but things like music and dancing don't work that way.
you can't think it through all the way. can't make sense of everything.
you just have to do it. or else you'll never get around to it.

i heard this song when somebody was listening to the radio.
i think i've heard it before. i think it might be one of those songs that most people are annoyed with. but oh well :)
look at the words, cause they're excellent in my opinion. if you consider how God is involved throughout them.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone)

wake up

please wake up, Church...

the vision

never lose sight of the vision you God gave you.
Nehemiah 6:3

So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers

choose to loose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mold them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

inside.

On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,

they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centers.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

a healthy diet

(I wrote this a while back and have decided to share it.)

If only
we could get it in our heads...
In our hearts!
In the very core of our understanding...
That we need you.
With a need that is more vital even than food & water.
Often it seems
we are only ever thankful for such
simple
Necessities
when we realize how much they are needed.
And when they are scarce.
So it is with you.
If I need your Spirit I'll just
turn the handle
and out it pours.
Or open the door to find a shelf full of the Bread of Life.
So then why do I barely scrounge together one
decent meal each day? (if that)
The same cereal. The same sandwich.
Trading meat for snacks.
Because I'm too lazy?
Because I don't understand?
Because, ultimately, I don't think I need you.

The effects of
starvation and dehydration
are evident.
And, try as I might,
one meal won't solve the problem.

the zombie song

We’re like zombies
Like the walking dead
With X’s (excess) in our eyes
And music in our heads
We’ve forgotten
Our first love
And made it pictures
Of crosses and doves

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

We all follow
But we’re standing still
Reciting dead words
With hopeless zeal
We’re all preachers
With our mouths closed
Clothing messages
In sugar coats

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

I wanna hide beneath the pretty paint
I wanna be okay with everything
I wanna be transformed and stay the same
I wanna be dry in the rain

Remember when we were real
Back when we could feel?
Once we were in this
Now we’re of this
Jesus, turn these tables over

Running in this stupid circle
Running in the stupid circle
Our souvenirs won’t be worth a single thing
And Truth will never be “in”

by Cool Hand Luke

desperation

I'm Not Alright
Sanctus Real
If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of,
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune-I only wanna be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
and when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
Because honestly, I'm not that strong

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all i go through - it leads me to you, it leads me to you

(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved) closer to you
(and now i'm moved)

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all I go through leads me to you, leads me to you

I'm not alright - I'm not alright - I'm not alright
Thats why I need you

Captain I'm Fine And Thanks For Everything
Right Away, Great Captain
(I've added some punctuation though.)
captains glory-
the trumpets will sound.
I'm unfamiliar;
you're under the ground.
and i tried crying...
but strength was unveiled.
you left us you bastard...
you left us to sail.

and i won't, let you down.
no i won't, let you down.

and in the winters
i need you around.
i still feel sorrow
and i still write it down.
and my children there's just fine;
they'd of loved you, you know.
there fathers a captain
with a beard just like you.

and i won't, let you down
no i won't, let you down

Don't Kid Yourself, You Need a Physician
Anathalo
"In my room, in my room,
In this gospel I have made,
Salvation is a broken cistern in a handmade frame."

Some stuff from Band of Brothers...
2nd Lt. George Rice: Looks like you guys are going to be surrounded.
Richard Winters: We're paratroopers, Lieutenant, we're supposed to be surrounded.

Ronald Spiers: We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead.

Some good quotes to think about...
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dirty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
T.E. Lawrence

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

he wakes

this is probably in my top five favorite movie moments. funny, perhaps, because most people don't seem to notice it I think. in fact, if you look on movie quote websites they never have the 4th line, which changes the whole point of this scene. it's from Braveheart.

William Wallace dreams that he sees his wife, Murron. (who is dead)

William: I'm dreaming.

Murron: Yes you are, and you must wake.

William: I don't want to wake. I want to stay here with you.

Murron: And I with you. But you must wake now. Wake up, William.
Wake up. William, wake up.

(He wakes)

do you ever find yourself in places like this? caught in a dream, not wanting wake up to the "real world."

in this case it's a woman. I can identify with that sometimes.
it can be all sorts of things.
it's the peace and love and comfort that we desire in the end I suppose.

there's nothing wrong with those things.

yet she tells him to wake up.
and he does.
as we all must do.

why?
because we are called to live life. to live now.
Christ calls us to be laborers. ambassadors. heros. warriors.
these people don't lay around dreaming
they act. now.

so
despite our love of the dream
we hear the alarm clock
groan
roll out of bed
and mindlessly start living

wrong
so wrong

what is william wallace doing?!
fighting a war.
he has a mission...
and a vision,
a purpose,
a passion

and his wife?
yes, he loves her

if you recall,
it was Murron who inspired him to fight in the first place!
you see,
he doesn't choose between her and his war.

they're both part of this

just remember
that your life
your fight
your mission
should be your passion

you can have others
but let them be fuel for the race set out before you

rather than be absorbed with other desires
let them strengthen you

and then wake

perhaps that dream will be part of life one day
Wallace found love again, for example

but now...
remember
you have a mission
a vision
a passion

pursue it
run that race
fight the good fight

random things

goodness
long week
just been living it a day at a time

a few random things


i've been told something like this by two different people in the last... 2 months, i guess

"You're safe to be around because you don't demand much. People around you can often expect to be challenged, since you're willing to hold them to high standards, but you're sensitive to their weak spots and you'll support them when they're broken."

interesting

i wonder if people who don't know me well feel that way around/about me?
(whether they realize it or not)

finding a balance of challenging and understanding is tough


at the beginning of Thanksgiving break I went to a concert with my brother
mewithoutYou, Thrice, and Brand New

goodness
people worship their bands
or their music
or their lifestyle associated with their music
or just going to such concerts

it made me sad that they value something so... shallow?
something so...
lame, to be honest
compared to God :)

and on the other side it made me excited about my God
how big he is
and i don't mean in size really
when you see people absolutely adoring a man on a stage
and think of a moment that you were absolutely worshiping God
...
that man sure does seem very... human
weak, small, insignificant

yes that's the word
God is significant

"significant" doesn't begin to describe the significance, of course
but trying any harder...
maybe writing it in all caps, bold, italics, the biggest font
maybe adding some adverbs like really or super
would just be foolish
i'm just going to call him significant
and leave it at that

the slightly larger font is just to make it grab your attention, by the way
if i mess with the size or font of a word then pay attention
there's generally something important about it
(not to say the others aren't)

meaningful

wow
so you know that thing i posted the other day? (via xanga)
poem i guess you could call it
well maybe it was a week now

i was looking through the stuff i wrote that month
after megan and i broke up
it's beautiful
often very depressing and sad at times
but straight from the heart
and beautiful language
my heart was in it
it was passionate

i wish i could always write that way...

i think i'll probably stop writing so much just about "how my day went"
and more on my thoughts
the meaningful ones

here's a good rule of thumb maybe...
if there's a good title for the post, then it's meaningful
i think that pretty much holds true
the title should be the heart behind it
if it has no such point... then it was point-less

okay, that was on the verge of pointless

sadly, i must write a bit about this
because
i decided to write on blogspot
and all firsts have to have stuff like this discussed

for now i'll copy them to xanga
but if it gets annoying i'll have to stop

i've been thinking about many things lately
God's been teaching me about how my identity comes from him, and how to him I'm something to be loved.
more specifically... how i am his bride
i'm not just loved
i'm loved
like that

but that's not why i'm writing now
(it's also not... entirely... because i'm supposed to be studying now...)

People have also been on my heart
relationships with them
close ones
meaningful ones

one thing
is how precious my time at home is
the people there...
i hope that our relationships are meaningful to as many as possible

what does that mean?

i hope they learn from me
i hope they listen
i hope they know that i listen
and care
i hope they feel loved
because they are

seems like i've read on both Keith and Brother's blogs about depth in relationships
meaning
how... so often
especially between guys
it's just...
not

i'm still trying to learn how to do this
i'm thinking this year will help a lot

even my friendships here at college don't go to deep

i like talking to girls
that usually causes problems i've seen
not that talking to girls isn't good
it's just...
that thing i wrote last week
"guys: learn to share your heart with each other before sharing it with a girl"
same goes for girls

i want to share my heart with men
i don't entirely understand why it works that way... and that's getting off topic
but it's truth

i want to come home
and share my heart with people there

i hope they see how beautiful it is
and how beautiful theirs is

men:
i hope they figure out that it's not weird to share your heart
it's rather manly actually

i hope i can be a bit of a father
so they can figure out how to be a father
our world needs fathers more than anything else besides God
so they can receive the wisdom that i've been given

i hope i can be a brother
to encourage
not in sports, or school,
or any kind of encouragement that is intended to make them feel better inside

to encourage towards Christ

i want to experience the thrill of men opening they hearts to each other and God

women:
i want you to know from me that you are beautiful and loved
by God
i want you to see it and feel it and know it through our relationship

i want you to understand that my eyes are on God
not you
and i want your eyes to be on him
not a guy

i want to be an inspiration and leader to you

back to everyone...
i'm sick of being the guy who lets people come to me
who waits from somebody to ask
before i tell who i am

it's just like me/us to write about this isn't it?
to blog about how we wish our relationships were closer and more real

you know?
i think maybe i'm gonna do something about it

(some mewithoutYou to dwell on, with emphasis)
find a friend
and stay
close.

and with
a melting
heart

tell them whatever you're
most
ashamed of.

our parents have made
so many
mistakes...

but may we forgive them

and forgive ourselves

church bells

song lyrics....
they're incredibly perfect
sorry i put up song lyrics so often
God just really speaks to me a lot through things i read. whether that's books, poems, songs, whatever.
i'll try to be better at commenting on them myself...

' asleep in the chapel'
by thursday

three chalk outlines sleep in the dirty street
and in our beds, under the sheets
they're the halo of guilt hanging around your neck
next to the rosary you count, falling asleep

and we're praying
these are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope

since we can't compete with martyred saints
we'll douse ourselves in gasoline
and hang our bodies from the lampposts
so that our shadows turn into bright lights

'white light, white heat' we'll make
as we're blacking out in the center lane
(we swerve) to the beat, (spill) all the ink
(no revisions) do you hear the church bells ringing?

wake up!! wake up in an outline and try to speak
with the shattered voice of the lives we lead...
have we slept too long
between the bullet holes in a stained-glass window state?

and we're praying
these are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope
(when we repent)
and we're praying
(we fall on the page, read in the margins)
we are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope

someday we'll be complete like modern saints
baptize our kids in gasoline
and hang our doubts up in cathedrals
so that they turn to faith in the colored sunlight

'red rain, red rain' we'll make
as we're blacking out in the center lane
(we swerve) to the beat, (spill) all the ink
(no revisions) do you hear the church bells ringing?

they ring for you.

we woke up this morning to a sky with no air in it
and all the streets are filled with a thousand burning crosses
and what we thought was the sunrise, just passing headlights
still the choir girls sing, 'oh lord, can you save us? oh lord, sing hallelujah'

they are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope...
we're falling asleep with open eyes
falling asleep inside the chapel
falling asleep in chalk outlines
falling asleep as the headlights pass us by...


there are a few things to notice
things i like

first is the gasoline baptism
what a beautiful picture
John baptized with water
what does that mean? my understanding has always been like a washing off of sin
you confess your dirtiness to God and he forgives you
the baptism is symbolic of what's going on
is that what baptism is today?

God changed things a bit
he baptizes us with the Holy Spirit it says
with himself
in Acts he came into our hearts
we use that phrase a lot
i like the way it says it in 'The Vision': we've had a blood transfusion with Jesus
that's what it means

he came upon them like fire!
why do we have cuddly happy baptisms
let us stop baptizing with water
and smiling at our friends about how happy it is
let us come to God ready for him to ignite us on fire
and let us spread this idea
to our friends
and one day to our children
why must we be "Christians"
why can't we be modern saints
modern Stephens
modern Peters
modern Pauls

see
so many are asleep
i would drop the word Christian if it was possible
Christians, as defined by the world today, are asleep
maybe in church, but very asleep
they disagree over every other thing
many go to church just once or twice a year
heck, many go to church every week
and are still asleep

wake up!! wake up!
the church bells ring for you
church bells were created to let the people around know that they needed to stop what they were doing
and come to church
come to God
can you hear them ringing for you?

or are you so distracted by school,
your girlfriend,
a cute boy,
your weight,
your friends,
your problems (as real as they may be),
video games,
sports,
marching band,
that you don't even realize that they are ringing?

and
when you do hear
and you are stunned
and you vow to not go back to sleep...
do you lay in bed just one more minute
and fall back asleep in its warmth and comfort?

i see that happening all around me
i do it too i know
how sad

just because you're eyes are open and you're alive
doesn't mean you are awake
are you falling asleep, in a chalk outline?
are you in the church, but still sleeping?

wake up