callouses

goodness me
haven't posted this month still...
once again, sorry for the dry spell.

just got through reading some old blog posts...
remembering.

God made us to remember.
though i don't do a terribly good job at it.
i'm quick to forget the things he has done in my life.
quick to forget the things he has taught me.

it's frustrating when you read an old journal and find that the thing you are currently "learning" you supposedly had learned 2 years ago. :)

... i need to go back and reread my journals. particularly the non-sermon/bible study notes.
i need to be reminded of what God has done.
i need to see how much he loves me.


in the last couple weeks i have come to realize that i don't know God's love and grace very well.

i feel that so many people, particularly those who didn't grow up in a christian family, know God's grace. and they know his love. (maybe this is you)

many people are like this.
erin is like this.
she actually began to follow Christ when she was about the same age as me. but she went through... a change. it took many years of following Christ for her to see the change completely i think...
but her life then was very different than it is now.
back then, she saw so clearly the difference between the world she was part of and God's kingdom.
and now it's even experiential... she is part of God's kingdom and she knows it and sees it. she can see how far God had to bring her to remove her from the world.

me?
i never saw much of a change. at least not one that i remember.
i was not always part of God's kingdom i guess... but you could say i lived near the border, rather than in the heart of "the world".

don't misunderstand...
i need grace just as much as anyone else. if sin were something you could tally up, it wouldn't look pretty.

but the way i grew up...
i don't know what it's like to be without God's forgiveness and love and mercy. i have always been told about them.

so even at my very worst (which is just as bad as anyone else's worst) i knew about God's love in my head.

it's a good thing to always know God's love.

but i feel like it all got mixed up in my head.
cycles of rejecting god then running back to him have always happened so... quickly.
my heart has hardly (if ever) understood how far God has to bring me.

my heart is calloused.
the pain that sin should bring... usually feels more like a tingle.
the soft, healing touch that god brings,... i am numb to as well.

grace and love (or whatever downplayed versions that i usually accept) seem more like over-the-counter medicines.
God's grace and love should be more like surgery.

God doesn't walk next door to be with us.
he comes all the way from the heavens.

God didn't stub his toe to forgive us.
he suffered and died.

crossing from death to life isn't like crossing from america to canada.
it's like escaping from communist russia.

moving from the world to God's kindom isn't like swimming across a pool.
it's like swimming across the pacific ocean.


but my heart...
doesn't begin to grasp how tremendous this is.

i'm begging God to really help me see, know, and appreciate his Grace and Love.