death

oh dear :(
it's like being told your mother has terminal cancer...
(just not quite actually that bad)
or like the day you realize your favorite childhood toy is getting worn out...

this popped up tonight:

victories

again, sorry for the dry spell...
though i won't say anymore, because it's just lame if i start every post groveling :)

if you know me really well, then you probably know a bit about the way i've struggled with porn and whatnot during my life thus far.

and i have to admit, having my own room this year has made it difficult.

but God is reminding me over and over to have hope for the day when he makes all things new. he is reminding me that my spirit is a new creation already! and he is reminding me that because of this we can know each other, be with each other, interact with each other- be friends, father/son, king/servant, shepherd/sheep, lover/bride, etc. (and that is what he desires more than anything)

so for now... i'm not perfect.
my "flesh" (as the bible calls it) is not perfect.
but God is renewing me each day on the inside.
and it will creep its way out fully one day...

and it's not something i have to sit and wait for...
it's starting to happen already!
even as i type this, the new creation is spreading outward from my spirit.

God's reminders and encouragement has pushed me a bit...
urged me to not just sit by and wait.
he has given me hope for what i will be. for what we will be and what we are becoming.

and he is renewing my faith.
more times than i can count i have promised God to make changes and promised God i'll have faith that he can help me make those changes.
and i have failed God more times than i can count (particularly sexually, like i was saying...)
such promises and failure can crush faith...
but God is renewing it.

and it's great :)


anyways, all of that is pretty.... internal. sounds like a bunch of... theory. spiritual talk.
but... it's also real.

for the first time, i feel like i have finally learned how to be held accountable to a brother. it's so hard. and so good. that's a wall God has been trying to tear down for years... i don't know why i have been so hesitant to trust in such a way... but anyways... i'm finally truly learning how to do it fully i feel. and it's magnificent!

also, (again, particularly in regards to sexual sin) i have decided to make a more drastic step than i have ever made and use an internet filter.
it's... humbling for one. it's not easy to admit that it just might possibly be a good idea.
it's frustrating too... it won't even let me do a freaking normal google image search. sooo inconvenient...
it costs money.
but it's all worth it i think. it's what God was calling me to anyways.

guys,
i'm not perfect.
most of the time i feel like i'm juggling everything in my life.
and dropping most of it.

but God calls me his son. his beloved. his servant. his friend.
he calls me new. he calls me "mighty warrior."

though i am not, he calls me as though i were.
and therefore, i am.

even when i don't feel like it...
i lack nothing.
life is good :)
(even when i don't feel it!)


i've discovered something awesome.
i'm calling it bro time with Jesus, unless a better name comes to mind.
it basically consists of...
first getting away from other people, somewhere quiet and mostly dark. (like in my room at night, with a lamp on)
then obtaining an ibc rootbeer.
then getting comfortable, drinking the rootbeer, and spending time with Jesus (mainly talking and listening).

it's awesome.
and i'm gonna go have one before i go to sleep...