meaning of life

well, there's a lot that i could say now
maybe i can tie it up into one thing
warning, it may be long

first a song by classic crime

who needs air

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.
{if only we desired to dance on the ashes of our plans more often}

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don't need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me. {that hurts usually...}
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don't need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild. {oh yes God, please}
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise. {...who am i then?}

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you've got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

[I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life
and give up the air that you breathe.
You don't need anything.]
{He means besides what he's got. Besides the Air of Life.}


That makes me excited.
Things like that tend to.
I read The Vision the other day and it made me cry.

Maybe you're a girl or something and you do that too often. and that's a bad thing to you.
But for me it's a good thing. it doesn't happen enough.

Anyways

But then I have to go and discourage myself.

I guess the biggest thing that discourages me is when I start trying to breathe air again. Instead of God.

But I just never see it coming until it's happened!

or maybe that's just an excuse...
i dunno

Will we ever get things right?

I mean, you're supposed to give yourself to God right?
And he works on you, making you better

But I'll never be perfect!
It seems idiotic.

It's like God's trying so hard to do something that will never happen.

It's not all God though.
My effort goes in here somewhere... right?

Again, I get discouraged
because most of the time as soon as I try harder
and put effort into doing things right
i fail

I suppose that's because... I can't do things right without God

But then we're back where we started!!

argh...

But then I realize...

i guess...
that...

That's the idea.

I never will deserve God's love.
He doesn't ask that I reach some level.
And then it's all good.

Nonono

I am eternally screwed.

And yet...
eternally loved away from death by God.
he loves me... anyways

Do you see how deep our debt is?
It's infinite.

Oh no! more discouragement
i'm so in debt!

but... he doesn't ask that we pay it back...?
(thats good, i can't...)

He just wants us to receive it.
it is... a gift i suppose

Imagine your parents gave you something that incredible for Christmas.

And now good ol' five iron
this is the thought process i've been through in all this.
my thought process every time I have to teach myself what life is.

every new day

When I was young, the smallest trick of light, Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day, I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for, And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar, {i used to be that way... But wait... maybe I still am, and I just can't see it.... read my xanga for today}

I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears, Watered Heaven with their tears,
{oh God help me}

Before words were spoken, Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you, Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher, Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach, reach, was not so high,
then, I thought the world was so much smaller, feeling I, could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies, behind infinity,
below the face of Heaven, he stoops to create me. {again, praise God}

{discouraged. again.}
Man versus himself. Man versus machine. Man versus the world. mankind versus me.
The struggles go on, the wisdom I lack,
the burdens keep piling up on my back.
So hard to breathe, to take the next step.
The mountains is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace, and hoping for peace.
Dear God... increase.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here’s my heart, let it be forever Your’s,
only you can make every new day seem so new.
{that means more than... when i wake up in the morning God makes me happy}

only you can make every new day seem so new.

(EVIL GRIN)
I leave you with an absolutely horrible
and absolutely beautiful thing I just thought of.

here is the Matlab code of God (sorry i go to Tech)
______________________
your_glory=false %I suck
your_worth=0 %therefore I'm worth nothing

Gods_love=true %but God loves me?

while Gods_love==true
your_worth= your_worth +1 %he gives me worth?
end
______________________

(by the way that just means we have no worth
but then God loves us
and gives us worth.
But there's a mistake in the code. [there must be!, we shout]
at some point after "while" Gods_love should =false.
Or else the code loops forever...)

This would give your computer an error.
It can't handle the numbers. They're too big.

Apparently God can do it.

Crazy.

So

Go
and live like God makes you worth something.
Because is trying so hard to.