callouses

goodness me
haven't posted this month still...
once again, sorry for the dry spell.

just got through reading some old blog posts...
remembering.

God made us to remember.
though i don't do a terribly good job at it.
i'm quick to forget the things he has done in my life.
quick to forget the things he has taught me.

it's frustrating when you read an old journal and find that the thing you are currently "learning" you supposedly had learned 2 years ago. :)

... i need to go back and reread my journals. particularly the non-sermon/bible study notes.
i need to be reminded of what God has done.
i need to see how much he loves me.


in the last couple weeks i have come to realize that i don't know God's love and grace very well.

i feel that so many people, particularly those who didn't grow up in a christian family, know God's grace. and they know his love. (maybe this is you)

many people are like this.
erin is like this.
she actually began to follow Christ when she was about the same age as me. but she went through... a change. it took many years of following Christ for her to see the change completely i think...
but her life then was very different than it is now.
back then, she saw so clearly the difference between the world she was part of and God's kingdom.
and now it's even experiential... she is part of God's kingdom and she knows it and sees it. she can see how far God had to bring her to remove her from the world.

me?
i never saw much of a change. at least not one that i remember.
i was not always part of God's kingdom i guess... but you could say i lived near the border, rather than in the heart of "the world".

don't misunderstand...
i need grace just as much as anyone else. if sin were something you could tally up, it wouldn't look pretty.

but the way i grew up...
i don't know what it's like to be without God's forgiveness and love and mercy. i have always been told about them.

so even at my very worst (which is just as bad as anyone else's worst) i knew about God's love in my head.

it's a good thing to always know God's love.

but i feel like it all got mixed up in my head.
cycles of rejecting god then running back to him have always happened so... quickly.
my heart has hardly (if ever) understood how far God has to bring me.

my heart is calloused.
the pain that sin should bring... usually feels more like a tingle.
the soft, healing touch that god brings,... i am numb to as well.

grace and love (or whatever downplayed versions that i usually accept) seem more like over-the-counter medicines.
God's grace and love should be more like surgery.

God doesn't walk next door to be with us.
he comes all the way from the heavens.

God didn't stub his toe to forgive us.
he suffered and died.

crossing from death to life isn't like crossing from america to canada.
it's like escaping from communist russia.

moving from the world to God's kindom isn't like swimming across a pool.
it's like swimming across the pacific ocean.


but my heart...
doesn't begin to grasp how tremendous this is.

i'm begging God to really help me see, know, and appreciate his Grace and Love.

death

oh dear :(
it's like being told your mother has terminal cancer...
(just not quite actually that bad)
or like the day you realize your favorite childhood toy is getting worn out...

this popped up tonight:

victories

again, sorry for the dry spell...
though i won't say anymore, because it's just lame if i start every post groveling :)

if you know me really well, then you probably know a bit about the way i've struggled with porn and whatnot during my life thus far.

and i have to admit, having my own room this year has made it difficult.

but God is reminding me over and over to have hope for the day when he makes all things new. he is reminding me that my spirit is a new creation already! and he is reminding me that because of this we can know each other, be with each other, interact with each other- be friends, father/son, king/servant, shepherd/sheep, lover/bride, etc. (and that is what he desires more than anything)

so for now... i'm not perfect.
my "flesh" (as the bible calls it) is not perfect.
but God is renewing me each day on the inside.
and it will creep its way out fully one day...

and it's not something i have to sit and wait for...
it's starting to happen already!
even as i type this, the new creation is spreading outward from my spirit.

God's reminders and encouragement has pushed me a bit...
urged me to not just sit by and wait.
he has given me hope for what i will be. for what we will be and what we are becoming.

and he is renewing my faith.
more times than i can count i have promised God to make changes and promised God i'll have faith that he can help me make those changes.
and i have failed God more times than i can count (particularly sexually, like i was saying...)
such promises and failure can crush faith...
but God is renewing it.

and it's great :)


anyways, all of that is pretty.... internal. sounds like a bunch of... theory. spiritual talk.
but... it's also real.

for the first time, i feel like i have finally learned how to be held accountable to a brother. it's so hard. and so good. that's a wall God has been trying to tear down for years... i don't know why i have been so hesitant to trust in such a way... but anyways... i'm finally truly learning how to do it fully i feel. and it's magnificent!

also, (again, particularly in regards to sexual sin) i have decided to make a more drastic step than i have ever made and use an internet filter.
it's... humbling for one. it's not easy to admit that it just might possibly be a good idea.
it's frustrating too... it won't even let me do a freaking normal google image search. sooo inconvenient...
it costs money.
but it's all worth it i think. it's what God was calling me to anyways.

guys,
i'm not perfect.
most of the time i feel like i'm juggling everything in my life.
and dropping most of it.

but God calls me his son. his beloved. his servant. his friend.
he calls me new. he calls me "mighty warrior."

though i am not, he calls me as though i were.
and therefore, i am.

even when i don't feel like it...
i lack nothing.
life is good :)
(even when i don't feel it!)


i've discovered something awesome.
i'm calling it bro time with Jesus, unless a better name comes to mind.
it basically consists of...
first getting away from other people, somewhere quiet and mostly dark. (like in my room at night, with a lamp on)
then obtaining an ibc rootbeer.
then getting comfortable, drinking the rootbeer, and spending time with Jesus (mainly talking and listening).

it's awesome.
and i'm gonna go have one before i go to sleep...

girl power

sorry for the dry spell.
november was a busy month.
in rough ways.
and good ones. :)

its obnoxious being too busy to write.
though... sometimes it's because i choose to be i suppose.

and i did do plenty of thinking...
just never had the time to write it down.
or didn't feel like it at least.


a lot has changed...
i have a big thing or two to write about probably.


in the meantime i've thought of something i wanted to share...

this is mostly directed to the ladies.

god made you to be very powerful i think.
do you realize what you can do to a guy?

don't get me wrong...
men ought to be strong.
not swayed by a woman who leads him astray...

like adam for example.

and yet... look at him.
the serpent didn't go for him.
maybe the fruit looked good...
but he spent plenty of time in the garden without touching it before.

he listened to eve though.
she could convince him to take it.

that's a lot of power.

eve is a bad example of how to use it...
:)


but i DO think that it can be flipped around!

encourage us.
us men that is.

imagine if...
the serpent went for adam.
but eve showed up and turned his head. :)

i heard a funny term in a book i read about a year ago...
it described what it means to be a "godly flirt".
sounds ridiculous right? :)

because the way the world is, flirting is a pretty selfish thing.
it's... just for fun really.

but if you think about it...
there's nothing inherently wrong with it.

imagine using your femininity (that's a silly word)
to bring attention to God.
(rather than to yourself)

it looks very different than worldly flirting from some angles.
but it's the same basic idea.


guys:

this is the kind of girl you want.

when you're down, she cheers you up.
when you're tired, she encourages you to push on.
when you're being selfish, she snaps you out of it.
etc.

why?
because she loves God and you
and wants this for his sake and yours.

how does she do it?
in some sense, the same way a guy friend is there for you.
but if you look at it another way...
she's being the peaceful, beautiful, soft, loving, cute woman that God made her to be.


women:

will you hand us the fruit and say nice things about it?

or will you use everything God put in you to turn our focus and dependence where it ought to be?

you can really catch our attention sometimes.
and there's a lot of potential to use that to display godliness
and to encourage the same in us.


guys:

look for the kind of girl who uses everything in herself to [intentionally] help you keep your gaze where you want it to be.


does this make sense?
thoughts?
i feel like this is tough to explain,
[and maybe dangerous if taken the wrong way :(]
so tell me if you have comments or questions. :)

preparation

as i struggle through a difficult week or two...

that is,
difficult in many ways:
school, work, God, life in general...
you get the idea.

as i struggle through a difficult week, i cannot help but think over and over about the future.
about my wife and my children especially.
(both of which i at least imagine having one day)

and i cannot help but think about how
good
i want to be for them.

about how i want to be a good leader, and a good lover, and a good example, and so on...

and as i struggle through a difficult week...
i see how i am not this man.

it drives me nuts.
it has been driving me nuts for the last many months really, but its times like this that it really comes out.

and don't misunderstand me...
i don't expect myself to be the perfect man.
well... at least i try not to expect that. :)

i realize that i need to focus on being faithful to God.
and faithful to them.
and that he will take care of the rest...

but
i desire to be as good as i can for them.
God will use me, no matter whether i am weak or strong.
but for his sake and theirs...
i want to be stronger.

not a man barely clinging to God, and holding them back.
but a man boldly leading them and loving them as best as God makes it possible.

see?

and as i struggle through a difficult week,
i cannot help but be frustrated by how
weak
and unprepared
i am.

how will i ever become that?


...i also know i should not dwell on the future.
two things are important:
now.
and eternity.

as i struggle through a difficult week,
like this,
how do i love and lead the people who are around me
now?

this is what is important...

i'm sorry i'm not doing a good job of this folks.
most of you don't even know it.
i apologize anyways.

i'm...
trying to try harder...

...well...
i'm in the middle of a lab report and it's already 3:30 in the morning. so i'm going to go back to it now.

i think that's all...
my head has been a mess..
so while this little glob of thoughts made sense for a few moments i had to get it out.
:)

best friend

i wish my best friend were here...

hidden

presently, i'm awfully emotional.

i haven't figured out why yet.
heck, there might not even be a reason.

i think maybe i hide it.
but then again, maybe i'm not so transparent as i think.

i like to think i'm a person with nothing to hide.
but i'm reminded that's far from true.

which is sad.

i wish it were true.

though...
maybe i'm not hiding because i'm afraid...

maybe it's just because i don't know what i'm hiding.

or maybe it's just because it's not fair for other people to deal with it.

i think i want pity.
though i frown at myself for that.
why so selfish?

how can i know this or that SO well,
and not feel it in my heart?


i want to be completely open
for every part of me to be seen.
every secret.
every feeling.

though...
maybe i want it for a good reason for a second or two...
but then suddenly it's just because i want attention.


then...
i want to hide.
everything.
who i am, what i've done, how i feel.
all of it.

because...
if i'm going to be so selfish,
i'll just starve myself from attention.

but this doesn't work well,
and the desire to be cracked open doesn't leave.
i'm hungry for encouragement.

truth is, i think i don't have the slightest idea how to deal with a lot of things.
all i know how to do is bury them.

until i explode
and look for comfort in a thousand things
then find God when they fail me
then forget it all.

forget it.

i'm so good at forgetting.
especially the things that shouldn't be forgotten.


i am lonely.
but i won't let myself be held.

i want to cry to someone.
but nobody will come to me.

and i have a feeling that's not what i need anyways.

it's like starving yourself because all you have is junk food.


if any of that made sense to you, then i'm impressed. :)
if you think you put all the puzzle pieces together and it made something...
then you're either crazy. because that was straight out of an ADD heart.
or else you're a genious. you should grow up and be a psychologist and help me make sense of myself.

basically what all of this says is...
what in the world is going on?