after waking

so i got Braveheart for Christmas and finally got around to watching it tonight.

and like every time i watch it
i see something new or fresh

earlier this month (while i was supposed to be studying for finals) i wrote a bit about my favorite scene
"he wakes" was the name of it i believe

...that really did mean a lot to me
the first time i noticed it was...
last november I think
maybe october
not long after Megan and i split up

i was rereading Wild at Heart around then too

see i realized the trap that i had been in
it took me a bit longer than Wallace to realize i was dreaming
caught up with wanting something that i couldn't have

we all have those things
we all dream something up
something we think will satisfy
whether we realize it or not

well God pointed it out to me.
pointed out the way i was depending
on a girl in this case.
i place this dependence in many things besides him
(for me i suppose girls are just one of the easier to do that with)

so then what?
i fought to wake up
as i was saying in that earlier post

and i've done it i'd say
so far as the girl mess is concerned

ha
and i've been so impressed with myself much of the time...
and so pleased...

that i forgot about the real fighting that needs to be done now

people and christmas and reading

sorry i haven't written in a while dear Readers :)

i wanted to write many times during finals week so badly
but i was as studious as possible

and Christmas break, while full of "free time," has been slowly eaten away. between spending time with people, reading, and sleeping, i've had little other time

"spending time with people" is my favorite thing to do
Jon got Rock Band for Christmas. my brothers and I made a band. pretty much we're pretty big on the music scene these days. that was fun.
Reece, Nathan, and Jason came over last week. watched a sweet movie (Pan's Labyrinth) and talked a lot. and played with Nathan's iPhone. ^_^ we didn't fall asleep until like 6:30 the next morning. haven't done that in too long.
went and had coffee with Kate. just talking about all sorts of things. that's fun.
stayed up last night a little bit. had a sleepover in Jake's room. playing Oblivion.
hopefully going to Digger's tomorrow night for trivia?
and so on
it's the perfect way to spend time

Christmas
my favorite Christmas present was encouragement from God.

i was reminded how much he loves me.
he told me over and over again.

and he asked me to respond to this...
you can look on your own at what he said: John 21:15-19

And he also reminded me of these things...

2 Samuel 22, especially:

33 It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

34 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.

35 He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

along with Judges 6:12...

"The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

other Christmas presents include...
new bike
german bible
airsoft pistol
new Falling Up cd
4x4x4 rubik's cube
a cool necklace
journal
Braveheart
a book- The Cost of Discipleship

i've been reading that book already actually. i'm about halfway through. borrowed it from Sterling. but i wanted my own copy.
i'll talk about it when i'm done reading it. it's good.

i also started reading a book called unChristian. about the way our culture/generation views Christianity. very interesting.

i read Prince Caspian on the way up to north carolina. i love Narnia. :)

i also read Redeeming Love. an incredible book. more on this later too i suppose.

for now i'm busy spending time with people
and this is distracting :)
and i'm sleepy :)

dance

isn't it nice to
stop

stop whatever is going on
go somewhere random
and think
and listen
and sing
and dance

i know a girl who once asked:
why do we walk with God through life?
i think we should dance.

i think there's a time for both
though the dancing is largely missed out on

"how's your walk with God been?
...that's good...
what about your dance?"

I think that's all that needs to be said here.

patience

God grant me peace...

i've had so much studying and german essay writing to do this weekend...

i'm not in the mood
but "do everything without arguing or complaining," right? :)

oh wow
this font's parenthesis are perfect for smilies
anyways

what i have been in the mood to do is be with people
talk to people
love people
teach people

people at school who i don't have much time left to be with for a full month
and people at home who i'm overjoyed to spend time with soon now

i'm looking forward to the break so very much

and yet
i'm stuck
here

studying for exams
and writing this darn essay

i'm doing a rather awful job of it too

there are more productive forms of procrastination :)
like spending time with God randomly
or walking back all the way to campus after church to spend time with people
or reading the Bible in german

and less productive forms
like facebook
or wookiepedia (probably my favorite website by the way, you can go there when you're done reading this)
...I was about to model a 3D lightsaber on the computer...

but I'm always drawn back to the fact that...
I do indeed need to be studying

i'm tired of it
i'm ready for the semester to be over

however
this
is where God has me.
this is where i need to be now

we need to learn how to do what he says when he says it
we christians want him to be in control
and yet when he tells us what to do so plainly but we don't like it... we're quick to forget that we asked this upon ourselves :)

i for one need patience
to keep my head in the game.
to keep my priorities in line with God's desires
and not my own.

okay so...
time to stop procrastinating again ;)

discipleship

i think the world has a serious lack of people for us to look up to and be encouraged by.
not enough real fathers (mothers) and brothers (sisters) and teachers.
the kind whose wisdom and confidence you respect and admire.

there's a beautiful story (in Wild at Heart I think. if you know tell me, i've been wondering about it) about a group of men during World War 2. paratroopers on D-day I believe. they come up to a house occupied by germans.
and they don't know what to do!
they went through basic training, they could fire their guns, they knew how to fight.
but when they were thrown into the reality of it, knowledge, and even ability, didn't help so much.
they were scared. they had never been in such a situation before.
like coming up to a math problem that... you have the ability to do. but you just don't know how to put your knowledge together to work out this particular one.

well, then another group of men come up, led by a veteran.
he asks why they aren't attacking. and then understands.

he doesn't get mad or discourage them. they've never done this before.
but it's a war. they can't be "children" forever...

he says two things
first: "watch."

he then signals for his men to surround the house.
a few grenades and gunshots later...
they have taken the house.

then he returns to the first group...
second: "you can do that. now go do it."

i love this story.
we need people in our lives to
teach us how to "take houses."
men who convince us we can do it too.
men who encourage and inspire us to go do it.
and i'll add one more...
men who enable us to teach others how.

i'm thankful that I have a few of those.
i think most people don't.

i want to be that for people. i hope God teaches me how to be a leader like that. one who is looked up to, who is an inspiration, who is a teacher.
goodness, only he can do that with me.

he wakes

this is probably in my top five favorite movie moments. funny, perhaps, because most people don't seem to notice it I think. in fact, if you look on movie quote websites they never have the 4th line, which changes the whole point of this scene. it's from Braveheart.

William Wallace dreams that he sees his wife, Murron. (who is dead)

William: I'm dreaming.

Murron: Yes you are, and you must wake.

William: I don't want to wake. I want to stay here with you.

Murron: And I with you. But you must wake now. Wake up, William.
Wake up. William, wake up.

(He wakes)

do you ever find yourself in places like this? caught in a dream, not wanting wake up to the "real world."

in this case it's a woman. I can identify with that sometimes.
it can be all sorts of things.
it's the peace and love and comfort that we desire in the end I suppose.

there's nothing wrong with those things.

yet she tells him to wake up.
and he does.
as we all must do.

why?
because we are called to live life. to live now.
Christ calls us to be laborers. ambassadors. heros. warriors.
these people don't lay around dreaming
they act. now.

so
despite our love of the dream
we hear the alarm clock
groan
roll out of bed
and mindlessly start living

wrong
so wrong

what is william wallace doing?!
fighting a war.
he has a mission...
and a vision,
a purpose,
a passion

and his wife?
yes, he loves her

if you recall,
it was Murron who inspired him to fight in the first place!
you see,
he doesn't choose between her and his war.

they're both part of this

just remember
that your life
your fight
your mission
should be your passion

you can have others
but let them be fuel for the race set out before you

rather than be absorbed with other desires
let them strengthen you

and then wake

perhaps that dream will be part of life one day
Wallace found love again, for example

but now...
remember
you have a mission
a vision
a passion

pursue it
run that race
fight the good fight

random things

goodness
long week
just been living it a day at a time

a few random things


i've been told something like this by two different people in the last... 2 months, i guess

"You're safe to be around because you don't demand much. People around you can often expect to be challenged, since you're willing to hold them to high standards, but you're sensitive to their weak spots and you'll support them when they're broken."

interesting

i wonder if people who don't know me well feel that way around/about me?
(whether they realize it or not)

finding a balance of challenging and understanding is tough


at the beginning of Thanksgiving break I went to a concert with my brother
mewithoutYou, Thrice, and Brand New

goodness
people worship their bands
or their music
or their lifestyle associated with their music
or just going to such concerts

it made me sad that they value something so... shallow?
something so...
lame, to be honest
compared to God :)

and on the other side it made me excited about my God
how big he is
and i don't mean in size really
when you see people absolutely adoring a man on a stage
and think of a moment that you were absolutely worshiping God
...
that man sure does seem very... human
weak, small, insignificant

yes that's the word
God is significant

"significant" doesn't begin to describe the significance, of course
but trying any harder...
maybe writing it in all caps, bold, italics, the biggest font
maybe adding some adverbs like really or super
would just be foolish
i'm just going to call him significant
and leave it at that

the slightly larger font is just to make it grab your attention, by the way
if i mess with the size or font of a word then pay attention
there's generally something important about it
(not to say the others aren't)

thanksgiving

Hope you all have as much to be thankful for as i do
blessed to the point where no amount of giving back would repay it
all you can do is express thankfulness

have a good Thanksgiving :)

(rest for goodness sake!)

You are more beautiful
Than anyone ever
Everyday You're the same
You never change, no never

And how could I ever deny
The love of my Savior
You are to me everything
All I need forever

How could You be so good to me?

There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You

Everywhere, You are there
Earth or air, surrounding
I'm not alone, the heavens sing along
My God You're so astounding
How could You be so good to me
Eternally I believe that

There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You
You, You, You, You, You, You

How could You be so good to me?
How could You be so good to me?
We're not alone, so sing along
We're not alone, so sing along, sing along, sing along

There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There his no one like our God, yeah

flaw

i think this is more...
me trying to talk/think through this than it is me trying to explain it to you
it's fresh stuff
new ideas and thoughts

hopefully it makes a bit of sense

i learned something about myself yesterday.
perhaps i just finally got old enough to see it, i dunno.

i discovered a place that my parents made a mistake.

they never really put much responsibility on us.
never made us very disciplined.

like...
we never really had chores for example.
it's not like i was entirely spoiled or something,
i just never had much to be responsible about.

as a result i grew up with a poor... ability (?) to do things that i don't want to do.
there's more to it though...

they would give us jobs to do now and then
like bring in/out the trash or do the dishes
and we would put it off until we felt like it
often forgetting about it.

which always resulted in one of two things:
either they they handled it themselves and told me about it,
or reminded me and told me to "do it this second"

usually
it was either their threat or guilt remembered from last time that drove me to DO things.
to be responsible
to be disciplined

don't get me wrong
it wasn't exactly the threat or the guilt that got me off my butt.
but it often took those to remind me that i genuinely wanted to be a help to my parents.

i simply grew up with this... selfish, lazy immaturity
that never really learned how to
stop
and recognize that
there's something I need to get done
and if i really think about it... it is my desire to get it done

i learned to complain about it
or to downplay the importance of getting it done
or to push it off until i'm in the mood

truth is
there are things in life that we have to do
even when we're not in the mood

i also picked up the habit of not acting until after i feel bad about it

i really do care!
honest.

i'm not saying that guilt drives me
it's just that
usually something outside of myself has to remind me that i DO care

if that makes sense

anyways

i actually already realized some of this...

what i didn't see until yesterday
is that it affected my relationship with God

when trial and temptation comes...
it's hard to choose God when you're used to doing what YOU want

it's not an impossible task,
to choose God i mean
but against logic and discipline...
i disobey
because (in addition to my human nature in the first place)
i still have that heightened piece of selfish immaturity.

and of course i feel bad afterwards!
i genuinely do. just like i felt bad after ignoring and forgetting to take out the trash or mow the yard or clean my room
i regret it

but...
i'm still stuck with this... whatever
that makes the same choices next time...

i need to learn how to do his will even when i don't want to

i flop back and forth:
i fight to see God's beauty and let that determine my actions...
but i'm human
there are times i have to do his will when i don't want to
so i fail
and then i fight to be disciplined
but i fail there too

it has to become part of me

a soldier doesn't question his officer.
somewhere along the road he learned that obedience was good
and now he does it without thinking.

i never really learned that.

one thing is for sure...
only God can break it...

I am selfish.
I am wrong.

I am right,
I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along...

And I am flawed!

but [we are] cleaning up so well.

I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...
*smile*

poems

one of my poems i reread tonight and wanted to share.
i didn't name at the time.
it's sad
awful really
but separated from the second half of the story...
it is very very true
and real

They are...
tired.
Tired of thee apparent machine
that chews them up
crunches every resolve
chains their hearts.
And tired of failing to unlock them.

They are...
scary.
Each a portfolio of child-drawn
monsters and aliens:
A new hideous sketch every time,
to highlight every disgusting characteristic.

They are...
plural.
Everywhere you look, surrounding you,
In plain sight,
And in the smallest of dark corners.
Filling oceans with tears, because.....

They are...
alone.
Every single one cut off.
From each other. From every other.
From hope.
Every whispered plea either
fearfully ignored or faithlessly forgotten.


and just for your enjoyment
a poem i wrote about two years ago, in the style of William Carlos Williams
only the artistic types such as myself seem to understand and enjoy it.

the
green
pencil sharpener

it is finished

does anybody else feel worn out trying to get everything done?

if i sit down and write out a simple list of the most important things in my life
trying to do everything i feel like i need to do for those priorities in a day seems impossible!

we're never really done

and then God tells us things like...

be still
and know that I am God

he tell us to rest
slow down

he tells us sitting at his feet is better than preparing him a meal

how can he expect this?
i mean... honestly i feel like my priorities are God's heart most of the time!
i feel like God wants me to make some person a priority
i feel like he wants me to be part of this or that
how can he tell me to slow down and give it a rest if these things are his ideas!?






check this out
Jesus did the whole ministry thing for 3 years
he had just...
3 years to teach people what God's heart is
3 years to convince people of who he was
3 years to make a difference in people's lives
3 years to train a handful of disciples to the point that they were capable of changing the world

okay really now
3 years?

some of you reading this are in college or older
i know
that you realize how short 3 years is.
if you're in my class, we're a few short weeks from being halfway through that.
double the time you've been in college. that's how long Jesus had to make a complete and permanent impact on the entire world.

even if you're younger i'm sure you can understand this
3 years
is not a long time

at all.






what did he say after 3 years?
John 17:4
"I have brought you glory on earth by...
completing
the work you gave me to do"


does that even make sense?
how could he say that?

surely there's something else he could do!
there's always another person to be healed.
there's always another lesson to be taught.

but no

his work was completed

interesting
how is this?

i think it lies in our priorities
even if they're not excellent ones

we weren't created to be so task oriented

Jesus knew who he was
who he belonged to

that's the first step
to BE

then what did he do?
look at Mark 1:35-39

he sought out God
God's will
each day
and the strength to carry it out

he didn't have a list of priorities and a long to-do list of ways to meet those

it was so simple to him

and at the end of the day
he could say "everything i came to do is finished"

just think about it yourself

and seek to live in a way
that when you go to bed each night
you are at peace as you say "the work God has given me to day is complete"

meaningful

wow
so you know that thing i posted the other day? (via xanga)
poem i guess you could call it
well maybe it was a week now

i was looking through the stuff i wrote that month
after megan and i broke up
it's beautiful
often very depressing and sad at times
but straight from the heart
and beautiful language
my heart was in it
it was passionate

i wish i could always write that way...

i think i'll probably stop writing so much just about "how my day went"
and more on my thoughts
the meaningful ones

here's a good rule of thumb maybe...
if there's a good title for the post, then it's meaningful
i think that pretty much holds true
the title should be the heart behind it
if it has no such point... then it was point-less

okay, that was on the verge of pointless

sadly, i must write a bit about this
because
i decided to write on blogspot
and all firsts have to have stuff like this discussed

for now i'll copy them to xanga
but if it gets annoying i'll have to stop

i've been thinking about many things lately
God's been teaching me about how my identity comes from him, and how to him I'm something to be loved.
more specifically... how i am his bride
i'm not just loved
i'm loved
like that

but that's not why i'm writing now
(it's also not... entirely... because i'm supposed to be studying now...)

People have also been on my heart
relationships with them
close ones
meaningful ones

one thing
is how precious my time at home is
the people there...
i hope that our relationships are meaningful to as many as possible

what does that mean?

i hope they learn from me
i hope they listen
i hope they know that i listen
and care
i hope they feel loved
because they are

seems like i've read on both Keith and Brother's blogs about depth in relationships
meaning
how... so often
especially between guys
it's just...
not

i'm still trying to learn how to do this
i'm thinking this year will help a lot

even my friendships here at college don't go to deep

i like talking to girls
that usually causes problems i've seen
not that talking to girls isn't good
it's just...
that thing i wrote last week
"guys: learn to share your heart with each other before sharing it with a girl"
same goes for girls

i want to share my heart with men
i don't entirely understand why it works that way... and that's getting off topic
but it's truth

i want to come home
and share my heart with people there

i hope they see how beautiful it is
and how beautiful theirs is

men:
i hope they figure out that it's not weird to share your heart
it's rather manly actually

i hope i can be a bit of a father
so they can figure out how to be a father
our world needs fathers more than anything else besides God
so they can receive the wisdom that i've been given

i hope i can be a brother
to encourage
not in sports, or school,
or any kind of encouragement that is intended to make them feel better inside

to encourage towards Christ

i want to experience the thrill of men opening they hearts to each other and God

women:
i want you to know from me that you are beautiful and loved
by God
i want you to see it and feel it and know it through our relationship

i want you to understand that my eyes are on God
not you
and i want your eyes to be on him
not a guy

i want to be an inspiration and leader to you

back to everyone...
i'm sick of being the guy who lets people come to me
who waits from somebody to ask
before i tell who i am

it's just like me/us to write about this isn't it?
to blog about how we wish our relationships were closer and more real

you know?
i think maybe i'm gonna do something about it

(some mewithoutYou to dwell on, with emphasis)
find a friend
and stay
close.

and with
a melting
heart

tell them whatever you're
most
ashamed of.

our parents have made
so many
mistakes...

but may we forgive them

and forgive ourselves

prayer

how to pray?

this is as much or more for me as anyone else

praying should be more than talking
sitting still
saying words

that's almost not real

don't get me wrong, it certainly can be

but i think it can be bigger than that
better than that

Sometimes i get off track
worried about...
trying to use the right words
or focused on listening for God
or a billion different things

But it's not supposed to be like that

because really praying
is free
i think

just sitting saying words in your head isn't always free
and at the same time
putting effort into making it different isn't free either
because it's like you're trying to make it into something you want it to be like

i tend to face two big walls when i pray
i think everybody has something or other that they have to get around

for me, first is not feeling...
close enough to God

it's proposterous I know
considering prayer is how you truly get closer to him
bible study's, church, or memorizing verses about God, doesn't bring you closer
the only thing that does that is praying to him
talking to him
being with him

thats why prayer is so important

sometimes I feel like i'm too imperfect to be with God though
i have a voice in my head that tells me i can't be as close to him as I want to
not yet at least

I used to be so much better at praying
closer to God even, i think

i lost it somewhere along the way
and now that i want it back satan keeps telling me that i can't have it
he tells me to put praying off for later
tomorrow
because maybe then i'll be more... worthy to talk to God i guess
like maybe i'll be good until then,
so then God will allow me in his presence

but that's so wrong because God says that he makes us holy
nobody is righteous but God
but
now
he makes us righteous if we come to him

The point is
it's important to know that nothing holds you back from praying

Perhaps...
You don't feel close to God.
you can still talk to him
it's just going to take effort!
do you really want to or not?

we're so lazy
we don't like doing anything that takes effort

It's not always easy to pray
but it's always possible

The other thing, for me, is not listening.
Praying doesn't have to involve listening every single time.
But I think it should some of the time

if God is real, and you're talking to him, and he loves you
i should think he wants to talk back

but i'm bad at being impatient with him
or getting distracted
or being so focused on hearing what I want
that i don't hear anything when it comes

You've got to be patient
quiet

and persistent

read Daniel 10

have patience with God
he hears your prayers
sometimes it just takes a while to get a response.
for who knows what reason

be persistent
i think God tests us that way sometimes
if we really care we keep at it
if we give up... then did it really matter to us?

And you have to have your ears wide open
apparently God can answer you audibly
i've never heard him
sometimes he just gives you a strong feeling
sometimes he puts thoughts or pictures in your head
sometimes, after you pray, he sends a person to answer you

you have to keep your ears open because you don't know how he'll answer

I love when God responds.
Because it shows how much he loves us.

I can read that he loves me in the Bible.

But when he
talks to
me
i can see the stuff that i read or heard
coming true

what an honor it is to talk to God
to pray to God

it reminds you why you are still alive
and it reminds you why you are still living

meaning of life

well, there's a lot that i could say now
maybe i can tie it up into one thing
warning, it may be long

first a song by classic crime

who needs air

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.
{if only we desired to dance on the ashes of our plans more often}

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don't need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me. {that hurts usually...}
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don't need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild. {oh yes God, please}
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise. {...who am i then?}

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you've got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

[I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life
and give up the air that you breathe.
You don't need anything.]
{He means besides what he's got. Besides the Air of Life.}


That makes me excited.
Things like that tend to.
I read The Vision the other day and it made me cry.

Maybe you're a girl or something and you do that too often. and that's a bad thing to you.
But for me it's a good thing. it doesn't happen enough.

Anyways

But then I have to go and discourage myself.

I guess the biggest thing that discourages me is when I start trying to breathe air again. Instead of God.

But I just never see it coming until it's happened!

or maybe that's just an excuse...
i dunno

Will we ever get things right?

I mean, you're supposed to give yourself to God right?
And he works on you, making you better

But I'll never be perfect!
It seems idiotic.

It's like God's trying so hard to do something that will never happen.

It's not all God though.
My effort goes in here somewhere... right?

Again, I get discouraged
because most of the time as soon as I try harder
and put effort into doing things right
i fail

I suppose that's because... I can't do things right without God

But then we're back where we started!!

argh...

But then I realize...

i guess...
that...

That's the idea.

I never will deserve God's love.
He doesn't ask that I reach some level.
And then it's all good.

Nonono

I am eternally screwed.

And yet...
eternally loved away from death by God.
he loves me... anyways

Do you see how deep our debt is?
It's infinite.

Oh no! more discouragement
i'm so in debt!

but... he doesn't ask that we pay it back...?
(thats good, i can't...)

He just wants us to receive it.
it is... a gift i suppose

Imagine your parents gave you something that incredible for Christmas.

And now good ol' five iron
this is the thought process i've been through in all this.
my thought process every time I have to teach myself what life is.

every new day

When I was young, the smallest trick of light, Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day, I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for, And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar, {i used to be that way... But wait... maybe I still am, and I just can't see it.... read my xanga for today}

I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears, Watered Heaven with their tears,
{oh God help me}

Before words were spoken, Before eternity.
Dear Father, I need you, Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher, Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach, reach, was not so high,
then, I thought the world was so much smaller, feeling I, could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies, behind infinity,
below the face of Heaven, he stoops to create me. {again, praise God}

{discouraged. again.}
Man versus himself. Man versus machine. Man versus the world. mankind versus me.
The struggles go on, the wisdom I lack,
the burdens keep piling up on my back.
So hard to breathe, to take the next step.
The mountains is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace, and hoping for peace.
Dear God... increase.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here’s my heart, let it be forever Your’s,
only you can make every new day seem so new.
{that means more than... when i wake up in the morning God makes me happy}

only you can make every new day seem so new.

(EVIL GRIN)
I leave you with an absolutely horrible
and absolutely beautiful thing I just thought of.

here is the Matlab code of God (sorry i go to Tech)
______________________
your_glory=false %I suck
your_worth=0 %therefore I'm worth nothing

Gods_love=true %but God loves me?

while Gods_love==true
your_worth= your_worth +1 %he gives me worth?
end
______________________

(by the way that just means we have no worth
but then God loves us
and gives us worth.
But there's a mistake in the code. [there must be!, we shout]
at some point after "while" Gods_love should =false.
Or else the code loops forever...)

This would give your computer an error.
It can't handle the numbers. They're too big.

Apparently God can do it.

Crazy.

So

Go
and live like God makes you worth something.
Because is trying so hard to.

patience

more about friends...

how awful it is when a friend just
isn't being a friend to you

how tragic it is to lose a friend

i fear that in my life i've lost two best friends
and many other friends
in my life

whether it was because we just went different ways
or we were part of different groups
or whatever

the worst however
is when a friend changes.
and just... isn't
a friend anymore

i don't understand it

see one person in particular is on my heart
i love this person to death

but it feels like a lost cause!

like falling in love with a girl you know will never return the love

it's just friendship instead of romance

it hurts

oh yes it hurts
and it's half driving me crazy

i've no clue what insanity it would lead me to if God didn't keep my eyes on himself

how does this happen?
it doesn't make sense
why have you shut yourself off from me?
what did I do?


how can i be a friend back?
friendships take effort from both sides

i suppose it's not a friendship anymore?

maybe i'm just overdramatic

the thing is
this person needs my friend-love
so badly

i am humbled

because you see
i nearly don't want to give it

i want to say
fine.
goodbye.
see how you do without me.


but God says not to do that?

it's easy to love those who love you
and actually
i think it's not too hard to love those who hate you, much of the time

but how hard it is to love the people in between
who just don't get it

i'm nearly sick of the burden
and sick of praying for somebody who doesn't want it

but if i give that up
i am nothing

precious time

don't waste one minute
when you are around people

one day they probably won't be there anymore
one day all the influence you had on them will prove itself
one day they will be too far away to hear your words

and then...
then everything hangs upon what you did
while you were still together

see this weekend i got to spend time with people back home
i was so busy!
because there was always somebody to be doing something with

certainly i had to make time to be alone
to be by myself

but this past week i realized that...
i have been friends with (and even simply known)
so many people.

what did that matter?

it's interesting to see who i've had an impact on and who i haven't

i've been thinking about how...
there were all those people
and now they're out there on their own
like i was their parent, and now they're grown up
only... not a parent
but a friend

i'm not there anymore to tell them if something's wrong.
the thing that kills me most i think
is how i'm not there to encourage them

i can go home for the weekend
and talk to people there
but now i'm back at school

clearly this is where God wants me at
and i'm okay with that
but i still love the people i've...
left behind or parted from

and i miss them
(or depending on who you are)
i miss you

i wanted to go to the student leadership meeting
to tell them the things i think should be fixed
to laugh with them
to encourage them

but it's not...
my youth group anymore

it's hard to let go of

same thing with single friends

i got to spend some time with...
my brother, for example
and i can love him
and have fun with him
and encourage him

but now...
i'm not there with him anymore

when i go to.. church for example
i feel like I'm on a mission
to find certain people that i know
and talk to them
see what's going on with them

i spent some time with one person in particular
and it was nice
i hope it helped
But...

here i am
at school

then there are my friends who have also left home
who have dispersed across the state and country
i love them
but i hardly get to see them now

ANYWAYS

what i'm getting at
is...

what did i mean to those people?

because...
now the influence i have on them is so limited
i'm not there every day, every week

and it's not that at some point i controlled their lives
like some overprotective parent

but God used me to do something in those people

did i use my time wisely?

how much more could God have done with me if i realized how precious my time with them was?

people and friends aren't just problems to solve
"things" to "work on"

don't get the wrong idea

it's just that...
i sort of realized what it's like to be... a parent
what it's like to see the people that you invested so much in...
on their own

they have to make their own mistakes
figure things out without me there

everyone is quite capable of that ^_^
i don't claim to be mr. fix-it

but i wish i could be there to help everybody along

and i can't be

time is up

Do I,
Do you
love people
like time is running out?

he'll make the rivers and rocks sing his praise

Why does God use people?
like me?

don't you hate guilt?
it kills you
i mean, i feel bad for everything i've done wrong
but, for me i know, the devil is really good
at letting it crush me

have you ever felt bad for something you did forever ago?
yeah,
it shouldn't be that way
if you've been forgiven by the Forgiver

or even something yesterday
or this morning
or 10 minutes ago

anyways
that's not what this is about
because once you overcome that hurdle
when you know and feel forgiven...

there's yet another hurdle.

it's rather odd too
like an oxymoron

it is
that we feel too small
or awesome

or perhaps both
one now
the other in just a moment

so why does God use people?
is it because something good in us?

sometimes i really doubt that

i'm really shy
it's one of many things that makes me weak
one of the things that prevents or slows me
when God asks me to do something.

there are plenty such things wrong with me

i am humbled by it
like Paul's thorn perhaps
i realize that i'm no good at much anything sometimes

but apparently...
he uses the weak to overcome the strong?

'"But I'm so small I can barely be seen
how can this great love be inside of me?"
Look at your eyes
they're small in size
but they see enormous things'

i found something incredible in Luke the other day
John said something in chapter 3

'For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham.'

I decided this means a few things
being God's children does not make you special
it comes from God.
stones?!
God can use... stones
to beat our best attempts...
ouch

so...
like i wrote on my xanga/facebook this last weekend i think
...
THAT
is why we shouldn't try to do things
God can do so much

you know...
he really doesn't even need us if that's the case
there's plenty of rocks for him to use

But wait..
he doesn't does he?
how come?
the rocks never did anything to him
and
i... can't claim that



God made us both...
when he made the rocks he said
it is good
when he made me
he said
it is very good

that's pretty cool

how odd it is
that he chooses you
above the stones

there's too parts to us
there's something inside us that God made which is good
and there's the rest.
that is the mess of our handiwork.
the sin we started,
and the failed attempts to fix it.

God made something good in us
that is why he uses us
not because of who we have made ourselves to be
but because of who we could be
of who we were made to be

you have no claim on that glory.
it was given to you
and can be given again though

so maybe the stones have not failed God
but we
are very good

if we just let us be how he made us to


well...

I don't know about you
but if God chooses me like that
I will try to love better

i will try to be the very good that I am
instead of that which i have been.

there's no way I'm gonna let a freaking rock
outlove me

Not that i'm competing with rocks to worship God ^_^

but you know what i mean

sea in a fish

A fish swims through the sea
while the sea is, in a certain sense, contained within the fish!
Oh, what am I to think of what the writing of a thousand life times could not explain
if all the forest trees were pens and all the oceans, ink?
{more mewithoutYou}

how insignificant is a fish in the sea?
aren't there trillions of fish?
yet the ocean is so big that there are vast places of just water

you are a fish
and the sea is God's love

do you swim in such great love?

but the second line gets the exclamation point!

the ocean is not contained in a fish
that's preposterous.
that's like something they'd tell you when you're doing quantum physics or nuclear chemistry

and yet
all that love
in me

sounds absurd
but you know it's true
or at least it could be

you know those illustrations they give in church?
you're a glass and God's a pitcher and he fills you up so much you overflow

how cute

please realize that to suggest God's love is like a pitcher of water is a sad disproportion
granted it's hard to bring the ocean inside to make a point
i guess they can't really do that

but that's the point!

and please realize that to suggest God fills you up so that water starts trickling over the side
is also a sad disproportion

no no
it would be more correct to throw the cup in the ocean

you
insignificant fish
can swim in a big ocean

and the ocean can be contained inside of you


and now...
it makes sense to say that in all their lifetimes
1000 people
with all the pens and paper in the world
could not begin to explain or grasp that

church bells

song lyrics....
they're incredibly perfect
sorry i put up song lyrics so often
God just really speaks to me a lot through things i read. whether that's books, poems, songs, whatever.
i'll try to be better at commenting on them myself...

' asleep in the chapel'
by thursday

three chalk outlines sleep in the dirty street
and in our beds, under the sheets
they're the halo of guilt hanging around your neck
next to the rosary you count, falling asleep

and we're praying
these are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope

since we can't compete with martyred saints
we'll douse ourselves in gasoline
and hang our bodies from the lampposts
so that our shadows turn into bright lights

'white light, white heat' we'll make
as we're blacking out in the center lane
(we swerve) to the beat, (spill) all the ink
(no revisions) do you hear the church bells ringing?

wake up!! wake up in an outline and try to speak
with the shattered voice of the lives we lead...
have we slept too long
between the bullet holes in a stained-glass window state?

and we're praying
these are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope
(when we repent)
and we're praying
(we fall on the page, read in the margins)
we are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope

someday we'll be complete like modern saints
baptize our kids in gasoline
and hang our doubts up in cathedrals
so that they turn to faith in the colored sunlight

'red rain, red rain' we'll make
as we're blacking out in the center lane
(we swerve) to the beat, (spill) all the ink
(no revisions) do you hear the church bells ringing?

they ring for you.

we woke up this morning to a sky with no air in it
and all the streets are filled with a thousand burning crosses
and what we thought was the sunrise, just passing headlights
still the choir girls sing, 'oh lord, can you save us? oh lord, sing hallelujah'

they are the symptoms of letting go of all our hope...
we're falling asleep with open eyes
falling asleep inside the chapel
falling asleep in chalk outlines
falling asleep as the headlights pass us by...


there are a few things to notice
things i like

first is the gasoline baptism
what a beautiful picture
John baptized with water
what does that mean? my understanding has always been like a washing off of sin
you confess your dirtiness to God and he forgives you
the baptism is symbolic of what's going on
is that what baptism is today?

God changed things a bit
he baptizes us with the Holy Spirit it says
with himself
in Acts he came into our hearts
we use that phrase a lot
i like the way it says it in 'The Vision': we've had a blood transfusion with Jesus
that's what it means

he came upon them like fire!
why do we have cuddly happy baptisms
let us stop baptizing with water
and smiling at our friends about how happy it is
let us come to God ready for him to ignite us on fire
and let us spread this idea
to our friends
and one day to our children
why must we be "Christians"
why can't we be modern saints
modern Stephens
modern Peters
modern Pauls

see
so many are asleep
i would drop the word Christian if it was possible
Christians, as defined by the world today, are asleep
maybe in church, but very asleep
they disagree over every other thing
many go to church just once or twice a year
heck, many go to church every week
and are still asleep

wake up!! wake up!
the church bells ring for you
church bells were created to let the people around know that they needed to stop what they were doing
and come to church
come to God
can you hear them ringing for you?

or are you so distracted by school,
your girlfriend,
a cute boy,
your weight,
your friends,
your problems (as real as they may be),
video games,
sports,
marching band,
that you don't even realize that they are ringing?

and
when you do hear
and you are stunned
and you vow to not go back to sleep...
do you lay in bed just one more minute
and fall back asleep in its warmth and comfort?

i see that happening all around me
i do it too i know
how sad

just because you're eyes are open and you're alive
doesn't mean you are awake
are you falling asleep, in a chalk outline?
are you in the church, but still sleeping?

wake up

meaning

this is more of a test than anything else...but

part of a mewithoutYou song says this:
'or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken, open seed
If I come without a thing, I come with all I need'

crowns are absolutely nothing without a king
they're not even crowns really

broken, open seeds die
well, they were never alive
after that it never will be

interestingly enough
that is how we are to come to God

he makes us the crown on his head
he does the impossible and gives us life

he gives me life

when plants grow
they spread more life
maybe he'll use me to do that

another thing
a Classic Crime song says:
'A warrior poet once said
You're not dead yet so live like you could be
A warrior poet said
Have no regrets when you're old'

i like that idea
a warrior poet
poets write and say powerful things
warriors do powerful things

all very beautiful